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My name is Christopher. I’m 18 years old, 6’3” 216 lb, and I was born in Porterville, CA. I grew up in relative poverty. I never knew my father but I know of him. What I know is that he was a drug addict, that he was abusive, and that he loved me very much. Regardless, my mother feared his irresponsibility and we ran away from him. I was apparently kidnapped as an infant and there was a small ordeal surrounding this.
My mother and grandmother raised me. I was a gifted child, learning to read at the age of 2. Despite my “brilliant” mind, I had a lot of social difficulties. Due to the lack of a male role model, severe medical issues involving my kidneys during my young childhood, and hormonal/chemical abnormalities in my biology I was pretty maladjusted. I was very outgoing and active but to an extreme extent that made it very difficult to socialize with other children. I didn't make many friends.
These problems were mostly managed by Ritalin until my mother married my emotionally abusive stepfather. Throughout my childhood my stepfather convinced me I was worthless, retarded, and unloved. He called me a faggot and retard almost daily, telling me I'd never be normal, telling me I couldn't fit in. When I acted out, he beat me. I remember once I spazzed out in the car and he started slapping me over and over in the face. If I'd cry he'd hit me harder calling me a faggot and telling me crying was for girls. Once he followed me into my room and punched me over and over and I hid under the blankets then he bragged to my mother that he hurt his knuckles "punching that "little shit".
School was hard for me. I was years ahead of my peers in academic intelligence and years behind in social skills and maturity. I skipped a grade due to high test scoring. In my schooling career, shit happened that is almost too much to go into and I caught up to myself later on in high school. To keep things short I was expelled, homeschooled, then put in a program for the severely emotionally disturbed. I left special education in the 10th grade and became quite popular and gained a huge amount of confidence which fell apart when:
my best friend died of leukemia
my relationship of 1.2 years fell apart on very bitter and hateful terms
my friends mostly abandoned me after graduation
i fell ill and had to drop out of college
i became addicted to opiates
So now I’m here. I’m almost 19 and I live in the city of Oceanside. I’m a musician and I play drums/mallets with high proficiency, bass quite well, and guitar with extreme mediocrity. I enjoy writing, cooking, hiking, bicycling, reading, and horror films. I’m obsessed with history and I read mostly non-fiction history books, my dream is to be a professor of history at a top university in the US. Or a well paid performing artist.
I suffer from chronic depression and severe social anxiety. I struggle with suicidal thoughts that are quite serious and am debating seeking in-patient treatment. Despite the pain I bear I try my best not to take it out on others and I fail on occasion.
What scares me most is that i won’t really find it in myself to want to change. That for the most part, i’ve accepted my life as it is and have no will and no motivation to make friends or to find happiness
I've lost that self-determination that led me to better myself as a child and I'm worried I'll never get it back. I don't want to die at the moment, but I'm not too excited to be alive. I'm scared of what will happen during my next mood drop.
 
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wow you are really opening your heart here. at least you didn't commit suicide
you can only win by making new experiences. i don't know how you could achieve that though
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What do you do for money?
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Man, just go see your doctor. They can give you referrals to psychiatrists who can help you with the mental aspect of your conditions, and as required, can give you medications that will help alter the chemical imbalances that could be playing a part in your depression.
And if you have anyone close to you, share what you feel with them. Having a person to lean on during difficult times can make all the difference in the world.
Best of luck
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Jesus.....no one should have the right to complain after reading this. :/
I cannot even describe how little I can sympathize because I can't imagine someone going through so many tragic experiences. 
I really do hope that you find something/someone that will help you through this. I'm not the entire community, but for what you've done for it, I'm sure TL is rooting you and your wallpapers on! :D
fighting!
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Would just like you to know I read this in its entirety, for whatever that is worth.
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Life will inevitably beat the shit out of you at times, and leave you not wanting to fight back. But you do. You CAN become a history professor if you work for it. You are interested and successful in the arts, which is something (myself included) many people admire. You have numerous interests which you can focus on instead of worrying about the problems in your life.
If I could suggest something, get the fuck out of your house. Your life isn't going to improve if you are surrounded by what drags you down. Your past is over; let it go. Focusing on the future will make you realize how valuable life is.
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You've made it this long. That shows the mental, physical, and emotional strength that you have. That's something any person can admire. Don't let anyone tell you that's not something worth little- it shows you've got character.
/respect
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You couldn't pay me enough to be a teenager again. Hang in there dude!
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If you've got anything you're passionate about (seems to me you do, but how do I know), just go with that. The rest will come naturally, I think. If drumming, cooking, reading and all those things make you happy, that's great.
I think the biggest problem is you wanting social contact too much and therefore stressing out about it. I don't know anything about severe social anxiety though so please treat my ignorant adivce lightly.
Would love to jam/write with an experienced drummer/bass player.
Anyway, good luck to you and may you find what you want.
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On June 06 2011 12:43 Chef wrote:
Would just like you to know I read this in its entirety, for whatever that is worth.
as did I. helvetica, you're a really strong person. the skys the limit for you, you've already suceeded in getting this far and that shows how much you are worth (a hell of a lot).
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You seem like you're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit. Just keep reminding yourself that in your weakest moments. I like reading when you write like this. It's worrisome when you ignore punctuation and capitalization. I think it's a big reflection on your state of mind.
I hope things work out for you. Great minds are rare in the world.
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A strong passion is definitely fuel for the soul. A lot of us are still looking for ours, and honestly I can't find complacency to be a bad thing. Not all of us need a super respectable profession or money to be happy.
I feel for you (for the most part, not going to claim I've been through nearly as much), stay strong buddy!
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On June 06 2011 12:39 sob3k wrote:
What do you do for money?
Nothing, I don't have any.
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Bury yourself in books. They make for lasting friends.
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No matter what happens, remember that the TL community is always there for you! Though looking at your post count, I don't know why I'm the one telling you this.
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On June 06 2011 12:56 DoctorHelvetica wrote:Nothing, I don't have any.
Wait, do you live alone? I'm just wondering how you have money for necessities; i.e. food, water, and shelter >< That really was an emotional outpouring, and I'm sure that everyone here is with you.
Also, something I noticed: did the mods rename your blog to "The Happy Sunshine Blog", or did you sort of name it that sarcastically? D:
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I've gone through similar things as you, though I prefer to not share my story.
You seem worried that you will never be able to get your life back on track, but you have to remember that you are barely 19 (as am I). I know it sounds cliche, but you've got a shitton of time to take a step back, chill the fuck out, and then start focusing on your dreams again. A lot of changes can take place too within few years, whether they be good or bad. I've even seen people who became successful after getting focused in their 30s and 40s. Life hasn't even started for you, and it won't until you decide to join the race. It's up to you to give yourself a chance to see what you can achieve in life.
I sincerely hope that you realize you don't throw away your life. A person might get a chance to live life for several decades, but he sure as hell will be dead until the end of time, so why not stick around for a bit?
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On June 06 2011 13:08 Z3kk wrote:Show nested quote +On June 06 2011 12:56 DoctorHelvetica wrote:On June 06 2011 12:39 sob3k wrote:
What do you do for money? Nothing, I don't have any. Wait, do you live alone? I'm just wondering how you have money for necessities; i.e. food, water, and shelter >< That really was an emotional outpouring, and I'm sure that everyone here is with you. Also, something I noticed: did the mods rename your blog to "The Happy Sunshine Blog", or did you sort of name it that sarcastically? D:
I live with my parents and my blog has been named that for quite a while by my own choosing.
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EPT
