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In the last few years, my life has been a bit of a struggle. Throughout college I battled with procrastination problems, and ended up with a lower GPA than I wanted. But everyone thought I was a smart person - what was the problem? I'd also stress out over small things like talking to professors (even over email). Recently, I have had problems applying to jobs. Yes, problems applying to jobs, not getting jobs. I procrastinate on the simple act of sending in an application (even when my resume doesn't need to be changed).
I've tried to figure out what the problem is with myself. Earlier, I looked into symptoms of ADHD. Though I shared some symptoms, I now think that would be a little far-fetched. Recently though, I think I've figured it out:
Perfectionism
I didn't really come to this conclusion in one mind-blowing revelation, but it came to me over a long period of time. My problems primarily occurred in areas where I was uncomfortable or afraid of failure. I am simply trying to be too perfect, and that is stopping me from even trying at all. No, I am not anywhere close to perfect, but I really wish I could be.
Let me try to explain how I feel to someone who might not be able to relate:
I feel PAIN whenever I make a mistake or realize that I am wrong. This psychological harm extends beyond all boundaries of reason. Why should the act of being wrong hurt me this much?
I recently read an article about raising children while telling them that they are intelligent. It turns out that this is often harmful to their growth. A child who is supposed to be intelligent will become frustrated when he meets an obstacle that is challenging or difficult to him. On the other hand, telling a child that they are hard-working will motivate the child to work through difficult problems rather than be confused as to why they are having such difficulty.
I suppose this is how the problem of perfectionism grew on me: most people thought I was the most intelligent child they had ever seen. I breezed through assignments without a sweat. Even in college, people thought I was pretty smart. But maybe that's the stuff that is hampering my progress. I've grown to feel like I should be smart, and failure shouldn't be an option.
Yep, I realize that being too afraid to make is mistake is the worst thing that I can do, but it is really difficult for me to change that about myself. I can't simply pick myself up and say, I am going to do something and I don't care if I screw it up (because I really do care). So I figure I have to start small.
So anyways, I guess I made this blog to see if other people suffer the same problem. How do I overcome this fear of being wrong? And keep in mind, that in my current state, it is absolutely unbearable to be making a mistake. A change in mindset isn't going happen overnight.
+ Show Spoiler [tl;dr] +I am a perfectionist in a very bad way and I need to fix it. Advice? + Show Spoiler +
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Some people wish that we had perfectionism, as we're content with completing shit-level results.
There's always pros and cons to that.
I have respect for perfectionists...
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On March 25 2011 05:38 mizU wrote:
Some people wish that we had perfectionism, as we're content with completing shit-level results.
There's always pros and cons to that.
I have respect for perfectionists...
It isn't that great, I recognize a lot of OP's problems since I'm really perfectionistic myself and it's really frustrating if you're so obsessed with doing everything perfectly that you become afraid to undertake new things.
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As obvious and dumb as it sounds, just try putting yourself out there and see what happens. Send in applications, do assignments, etc. I'm sure you will succeed somewhere and I'm sure that you will fail in other respects, but that's the point. Messing up isn't the end of the world and you just need to make sure you know that.
It's like when you ask a girl out for the first time. You're terrified that she'll reject you and you will feel foolish and depressed. From experience, I know that it does feel foolish and depressing to get rejected, but I also know that it isn't the end of the world. In fact, I got rejected not once, but three times.
Sure, it feels shitty to fail, and putting yourself out there can be a terrifying experience, but it's not that bad. Will your life end if you dont get a job? No. Will your parents hate you if you mess up? No. Honestly, no one will judge you for these things except yourself, so it doesn't matter. When you do succeed, be happy about it, but when you fail, find something to learn from. You'll gain far more from failure than success, so you just need to take some time after you mess something up and figure out how to learn from it, or even how it made you a better person.
After all, it's impossible to win life. All you can do is get better at it.
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On March 25 2011 05:44 Saechiis wrote:Show nested quote +On March 25 2011 05:38 mizU wrote:
Some people wish that we had perfectionism, as we're content with completing shit-level results.
There's always pros and cons to that.
I have respect for perfectionists... It isn't that great, I recognize a lot of OP's problems since I'm really perfectionistic myself and it's really frustrating if you're so obsessed with doing everything perfectly that you become afraid to undertake new things.
Yeah, that is my problem exactly. There are some upsides to perfectionism, and I am glad to have them, but the downsides are really messing me up.
Example: Huge essay due. I just put it off until I only have a couple hours to write the whole thing. If my grades aren't that good, it's okay because "if I tried harder, I would've done fine." Putting no effort into work, or not working at all is like a coping mechanism to avoid admitting that I can fail even when I try at something.
Another example: I have to email a prof about whatever. I often really don't want to mess up my email and make a bad impression. I can end up sending the email really late, or not sending an email at all.
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On March 25 2011 05:49 oxidized wrote:
Example: Huge essay due. I just put it off until I only have a couple hours to write the whole thing. If my grades aren't that good, it's okay because "if I tried harder, I would've done fine." Putting no effort into work, or not working at all is like a coping mechanism to avoid admitting that I can fail even when I try at something.
Think about it this way, even though it sounds quite cheesy: as long as you are happy with your work, you have succeeded. Thinking like this will nullify the opinions of others and external grades. Work hard writing an essay that you are proud of, regardless of whether it is actually relevant to the assignment and turn it in. It may get a great grade, or it may not, but you will still be happy with it. I think doing this once could help a little.
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As a perfectionist, I can tell you it's hard to do something because you're always afraid of being wrong.
However, it is very useful in music because you always push yourself farther than you expect.
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Thanks redoxx. I'll definitely try, but a complete change in mentality isn't that easy. I somehow need to force myself not to worry about the results.
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On March 25 2011 06:00 oxidized wrote:
Thanks redoxx. I'll definitely try, but a complete change in mentality isn't that easy. I somehow need to force myself not to worry about the results.
I dealt with stuff like you're dealing with now, except it was strictly a confidence issue. You kinda have to just take a risk and go for it. If you've seen Fight Club, it's like that, and if you havn't, go see it cus it's awesome.
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I can sympathize with this since I've had similar issues at one point.
When trying to get through your work, don't think about the big picture. Shrink your problem into a smaller and more tangible goal. If you worry about career and whether or not an industry is going to do well in the current economy and promotion options, etc., etc., it's easy to become FROZEN and then you are not applying to any jobs at all, not getting any work done at all, etc. But a smaller goal that's easier to handle should be less of a problem.
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On March 25 2011 05:28 oxidized wrote:
I recently read an article about raising children while telling them that they are intelligent. It turns out that this is often harmful to their growth. A child who is supposed to be intelligent will become frustrated when he meets an obstacle that is challenging or difficult to him. On the other hand, telling a child that they are hard-working will motivate the child to work through difficult problems rather than be confused as to why they are having such difficulty.
This is exactly what happened to me. I went through school up until the age of 16 being told I was gifted by my teachers, and therefore being praised by my parents. I knew back then it was nothing more than above average intelligence, and that quickly became apparent when I went to university and confirmed that I wasn't gifted when I saw that most people there are very intelligent.
I literally cannot work until the last possible minute, same as you. I never associated my procrastination with needing to achieve perfection, rather I knew I had been conditioned to think that I didn't have to work hard because things came naturally to me. Now I just call my procrastination laziness, and know where it stemmed from. I procrastinate with everything that is a slight chore. And I stress a little about it and know I will feel better if I just do it, but I leave it and leave it and leave it till the last possible time I can do it. It's a ridiculous feeling to have, and my thought process is so illogical while I am procrastinating.
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I share this problem. When I was in the third grade my parents went through a divorce. As is the custom, the school provided a counselor since my demeanor had changed in class. They soon realized I was very intelligent and had a grasp of the world around me much keener than most kids. Shortly after an IQ test was administered, and I tested higher than anyone who had been given the test up until that time in my area. After that everyone found out, and my mother in particular always told me how intelligent I was. This led to the extreme procrastination via perfectionism. Fucking sad really, I'm gonna change this shit.
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Ah yes, this describes me quite well. Which university did you attend oxidized?
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I'm going to start with not correcting my spellign 
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On March 25 2011 07:09 phosphorylation wrote:
Ah yes, this describes me quite well. Which university did you attend oxidized? Caltech
On March 25 2011 07:24 Saechiis wrote:I'm going to start with not correcting my spellign Haha nice, I'll try to start small as well.
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I feel you OP, I have slowly been trying to figure out what exactly is causing me to act in the ways I have been and I am pretty damn sure you describe me as well as yourself in the OP.
It's actually kind of funny, how being a perfectionist makes you make such imperfect decisions in very key areas.
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I'm quite similar to you.
Although my skills are well developed in many areas, I often feel less confident doing certain tasks than other people - ending hesitating(missing the window of opportunity).
I've realized that the solution to my problem is to think less and act more, but how to achieve that?
One of the ways is to keep busy all the time so you don't have the time to think, like having a lot of activities, tasks...
This way your rational brain will optimize in favor of not over-thinking all possibilities but doing practical, real-time decisions.
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Maybe you guys just have OCD? I'm sure there is medicine to help you relax and not care so much about the little things.
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You can't solve your problem because you don't undrestand what your problem is. Saying that you want to be perfect because you're a perfectionist is not an explanation, it's simply describing the state of affairs. The key is in why you are a perfectionist. A most basic human need is to feel socially accepted, and you've grown into the thought that your primary means of achieving this is by being better than anyone else at your chosen activity/activities(what you call perfect) You want to be perfect not because you want to be perfect, but because you want people to see you as perfect. Stop focusing on being what you think will make people like/aprecciate you, and start focusing on being what you are.
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On March 25 2011 08:14 Myrkul wrote:
You can't solve your problem because you don't undrestand what your problem is. Saying that you want to be perfect because you're a perfectionist is not an explanation, it's simply describing the state of affairs. The key is in why you are a perfectionist. A most basic human need is to feel socially accepted, and you've grown into the thought that your primary means of achieving this is by being better than anyone else at your chosen activity/activities(what you call perfect) You want to be perfect not because you want to be perfect, but because you want people to see you as perfect.
Yeah actually, it was silly of me to leave this out in my post, but I did come across this in reading about perfectionism, and it does apply to me.
The whole idea of perfectionism comes about from trying to be accepted by everyone. I think I can start just by submitting my work without worrying what the receiving person might think of it.
Stop focusing on being what you think will make people like/aprecciate you, and start focusing on being what you are. This part is a little weird to me though. It's not like I am pretending to be something I am not. I am being who I am, but only trying to be the best at it - that part comes from trying to be socially accepted I guess, which is what I need to cut down on. But the whole idea of social acceptance is a little high level, and I don't think the solution to perfectionism is to "be yourself," but rather focus on cutting down perfectionism itself, until you don't feel the need to be perfect in the eyes of others.
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On March 25 2011 08:01 Xinliben wrote:
Maybe you guys just have OCD? I'm sure there is medicine to help you relax and not care so much about the little things.
I don't think it's OCD, because there is not really any repetitive action involved. But maybe there is medicine for whatever I am experiencing. Still, a non-medicine solution would probably be best.
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Holy smokes; through reading this blog I've actually realised I may too "suffer" from perfectionism.
At University I didn't do as well as I should due to procrastination and thinking the course was too easy for my knowledge levels, leading to sub-par results.
I also get this with SC2 although in a different manner.. Being an ex-professional FPSer, I feel that my skill level in SC2 should be seriously high to a good competitive level; yet I find myself not actually playing the game to improve, because I am trying to perfect my "mental" mechanics. For instance, I am picturing myself playing the game in my head perfectly; watching pro games and seeing "ah this is what I should do" or "I can actually do that", but then never actually playing any SC2 because I am afraid of making a mistake...
Good read. Though I am afraid to say, I currently have no idea on a "cure"... perhaps we need to chill out a bit ? Heh
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On March 25 2011 08:34 1OneLovE wrote:
Holy smokes; through reading this blog I've actually realised I may too "suffer" from perfectionism.
At University I didn't do as well as I should due to procrastination and thinking the course was too easy for my knowledge levels, leading to sub-par results.
I also get this with SC2 although in a different manner.. Being an ex-professional FPSer, I feel that my skill level in SC2 should be seriously high to a good competitive level; yet I find myself not actually playing the game to improve, because I am trying to perfect my "mental" mechanics. For instance, I am picturing myself playing the game in my head perfectly; watching pro games and seeing "ah this is what I should do" or "I can actually do that", but then never actually playing any SC2 because I am afraid of making a mistake...
Good read. Though I am afraid to say, I currently have no idea on a "cure"... perhaps we need to chill out a bit ? Heh Yup, I've definitely had frustrations with SCBW, and I also don't bother playing SC2 until I'm ready to destroy my way into masters. I don't feel like playing without lots of preparation haha.
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I feel PAIN whenever I make a mistake or realize that I am wrong.
I think I have this with starcraft.
I love to watch it, but playing is too frustrating to be fun 
I think playing cards with friends could be a good way to work through some of this. Something to show you that opening yourself up to failure can be a worthwhile endeavor.
+ Show Spoiler +It also takes me half an hour to make a four line post LOL
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On March 25 2011 08:27 oxidized wrote:Show nested quote +On March 25 2011 08:14 Myrkul wrote:
You can't solve your problem because you don't undrestand what your problem is. Saying that you want to be perfect because you're a perfectionist is not an explanation, it's simply describing the state of affairs. The key is in why you are a perfectionist. A most basic human need is to feel socially accepted, and you've grown into the thought that your primary means of achieving this is by being better than anyone else at your chosen activity/activities(what you call perfect) You want to be perfect not because you want to be perfect, but because you want people to see you as perfect. Yeah actually, it was silly of me to leave this out in my post, but I did come across this in reading about perfectionism, and it does apply to me. The whole idea of perfectionism comes about from trying to be accepted by everyone. I think I can start just by submitting my work without worrying what the receiving person might think of it. Show nested quote +Stop focusing on being what you think will make people like/aprecciate you, and start focusing on being what you are. This part is a little weird to me though. It's not like I am pretending to be something I am not. I am being who I am, but only trying to be the best at it - that part comes from trying to be socially accepted I guess, which is what I need to cut down on. But the whole idea of social acceptance is a little high level, and I don't think the solution to perfectionism is to "be yourself," but rather focus on cutting down perfectionism itself, until you don't feel the need to be perfect in the eyes of others.
Yea it came across a bit strange. I don't mean to say you're not being who you are, in fact everyone's identity in some part relies on what he thinks people think of him, it's just that in your particular case it relies a bit too much. The right aproach in my opinion is: "what I do, I do the way I think it should be done, and the way I'm satisfied with it being, and if someone doesn't like it, well boo hoo, they're wrong.
Anyhow, you're on the right path I think.
Good luck
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On March 25 2011 08:14 Myrkul wrote:
You can't solve your problem because you don't undrestand what your problem is. Saying that you want to be perfect because you're a perfectionist is not an explanation, it's simply describing the state of affairs. The key is in why you are a perfectionist. A most basic human need is to feel socially accepted, and you've grown into the thought that your primary means of achieving this is by being better than anyone else at your chosen activity/activities(what you call perfect) You want to be perfect not because you want to be perfect, but because you want people to see you as perfect. Stop focusing on being what you think will make people like/aprecciate you, and start focusing on being what you are.
I don't see how this helps anyone, I'm quite sure we're all aware people want to be good at things as a means of climbing the social ladder. If it were as easy as "stop focusing on being what you think will make people like/aprecciate you, and start focusing on being what you are", this world would be a much better place.
Unfortunately 99,9% of people care what other people think about them, even your posting on this site is probably because you want other people to care about what you think. Humans are social, you can't tell them to just be solitary selfsustaining creatures.
Admittedly, being perfectionistic to such a level is unhealthy, but I doubt we're going to find a solution in "just don't be perfectionistic or care what other people think".
Edit: I'm afraid that there's no suave (perfect?) solution to the problem, which makes dealling with it a problem in itself.
As for SC2, anyone on EU can add me (Saechiis.654) for some fun based non-judgmental games 
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Thank you for making this blog, at first I didn't think I was a perfectionist. It's hard to diagnose yourself as a perfectionist because you want to think that you don't believe in "silly made up conditions". Then I thought about how you said things like "procrastinate to email professors" "to find jobs" and I thought... "That's a me!" "Mario!"
By making this blog you've made me aware of an issue that I have, and have motivated me to work against it, and to minimize it's effects just through the knowledge of knowing that I am a perfectionist.
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