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In the last few years, my life has been a bit of a struggle. Throughout college I battled with procrastination problems, and ended up with a lower GPA than I wanted. But everyone thought I was a smart person - what was the problem? I'd also stress out over small things like talking to professors (even over email). Recently, I have had problems applying to jobs. Yes, problems applying to jobs, not getting jobs. I procrastinate on the simple act of sending in an application (even when my resume doesn't need to be changed).
I've tried to figure out what the problem is with myself. Earlier, I looked into symptoms of ADHD. Though I shared some symptoms, I now think that would be a little far-fetched. Recently though, I think I've figured it out:
Perfectionism
I didn't really come to this conclusion in one mind-blowing revelation, but it came to me over a long period of time. My problems primarily occurred in areas where I was uncomfortable or afraid of failure. I am simply trying to be too perfect, and that is stopping me from even trying at all. No, I am not anywhere close to perfect, but I really wish I could be.
Let me try to explain how I feel to someone who might not be able to relate:
I feel PAIN whenever I make a mistake or realize that I am wrong. This psychological harm extends beyond all boundaries of reason. Why should the act of being wrong hurt me this much?
I recently read an article about raising children while telling them that they are intelligent. It turns out that this is often harmful to their growth. A child who is supposed to be intelligent will become frustrated when he meets an obstacle that is challenging or difficult to him. On the other hand, telling a child that they are hard-working will motivate the child to work through difficult problems rather than be confused as to why they are having such difficulty.
I suppose this is how the problem of perfectionism grew on me: most people thought I was the most intelligent child they had ever seen. I breezed through assignments without a sweat. Even in college, people thought I was pretty smart. But maybe that's the stuff that is hampering my progress. I've grown to feel like I should be smart, and failure shouldn't be an option.
Yep, I realize that being too afraid to make is mistake is the worst thing that I can do, but it is really difficult for me to change that about myself. I can't simply pick myself up and say, I am going to do something and I don't care if I screw it up (because I really do care). So I figure I have to start small.
So anyways, I guess I made this blog to see if other people suffer the same problem. How do I overcome this fear of being wrong? And keep in mind, that in my current state, it is absolutely unbearable to be making a mistake. A change in mindset isn't going happen overnight.
+ Show Spoiler [tl;dr] +I am a perfectionist in a very bad way and I need to fix it. Advice? + Show Spoiler +
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Some people wish that we had perfectionism, as we're content with completing shit-level results.
There's always pros and cons to that.
I have respect for perfectionists...
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On March 25 2011 05:38 mizU wrote:
Some people wish that we had perfectionism, as we're content with completing shit-level results.
There's always pros and cons to that.
I have respect for perfectionists...
It isn't that great, I recognize a lot of OP's problems since I'm really perfectionistic myself and it's really frustrating if you're so obsessed with doing everything perfectly that you become afraid to undertake new things.
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As obvious and dumb as it sounds, just try putting yourself out there and see what happens. Send in applications, do assignments, etc. I'm sure you will succeed somewhere and I'm sure that you will fail in other respects, but that's the point. Messing up isn't the end of the world and you just need to make sure you know that.
It's like when you ask a girl out for the first time. You're terrified that she'll reject you and you will feel foolish and depressed. From experience, I know that it does feel foolish and depressing to get rejected, but I also know that it isn't the end of the world. In fact, I got rejected not once, but three times.
Sure, it feels shitty to fail, and putting yourself out there can be a terrifying experience, but it's not that bad. Will your life end if you dont get a job? No. Will your parents hate you if you mess up? No. Honestly, no one will judge you for these things except yourself, so it doesn't matter. When you do succeed, be happy about it, but when you fail, find something to learn from. You'll gain far more from failure than success, so you just need to take some time after you mess something up and figure out how to learn from it, or even how it made you a better person.
After all, it's impossible to win life. All you can do is get better at it.
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On March 25 2011 05:44 Saechiis wrote:Show nested quote +On March 25 2011 05:38 mizU wrote:
Some people wish that we had perfectionism, as we're content with completing shit-level results.
There's always pros and cons to that.
I have respect for perfectionists... It isn't that great, I recognize a lot of OP's problems since I'm really perfectionistic myself and it's really frustrating if you're so obsessed with doing everything perfectly that you become afraid to undertake new things.
Yeah, that is my problem exactly. There are some upsides to perfectionism, and I am glad to have them, but the downsides are really messing me up.
Example: Huge essay due. I just put it off until I only have a couple hours to write the whole thing. If my grades aren't that good, it's okay because "if I tried harder, I would've done fine." Putting no effort into work, or not working at all is like a coping mechanism to avoid admitting that I can fail even when I try at something.
Another example: I have to email a prof about whatever. I often really don't want to mess up my email and make a bad impression. I can end up sending the email really late, or not sending an email at all.
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On March 25 2011 05:49 oxidized wrote:
Example: Huge essay due. I just put it off until I only have a couple hours to write the whole thing. If my grades aren't that good, it's okay because "if I tried harder, I would've done fine." Putting no effort into work, or not working at all is like a coping mechanism to avoid admitting that I can fail even when I try at something.
Think about it this way, even though it sounds quite cheesy: as long as you are happy with your work, you have succeeded. Thinking like this will nullify the opinions of others and external grades. Work hard writing an essay that you are proud of, regardless of whether it is actually relevant to the assignment and turn it in. It may get a great grade, or it may not, but you will still be happy with it. I think doing this once could help a little.
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As a perfectionist, I can tell you it's hard to do something because you're always afraid of being wrong.
However, it is very useful in music because you always push yourself farther than you expect.
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Thanks redoxx. I'll definitely try, but a complete change in mentality isn't that easy. I somehow need to force myself not to worry about the results.
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On March 25 2011 06:00 oxidized wrote:
Thanks redoxx. I'll definitely try, but a complete change in mentality isn't that easy. I somehow need to force myself not to worry about the results.
I dealt with stuff like you're dealing with now, except it was strictly a confidence issue. You kinda have to just take a risk and go for it. If you've seen Fight Club, it's like that, and if you havn't, go see it cus it's awesome.
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I can sympathize with this since I've had similar issues at one point.
When trying to get through your work, don't think about the big picture. Shrink your problem into a smaller and more tangible goal. If you worry about career and whether or not an industry is going to do well in the current economy and promotion options, etc., etc., it's easy to become FROZEN and then you are not applying to any jobs at all, not getting any work done at all, etc. But a smaller goal that's easier to handle should be less of a problem.
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On March 25 2011 05:28 oxidized wrote:
I recently read an article about raising children while telling them that they are intelligent. It turns out that this is often harmful to their growth. A child who is supposed to be intelligent will become frustrated when he meets an obstacle that is challenging or difficult to him. On the other hand, telling a child that they are hard-working will motivate the child to work through difficult problems rather than be confused as to why they are having such difficulty.
This is exactly what happened to me. I went through school up until the age of 16 being told I was gifted by my teachers, and therefore being praised by my parents. I knew back then it was nothing more than above average intelligence, and that quickly became apparent when I went to university and confirmed that I wasn't gifted when I saw that most people there are very intelligent.
I literally cannot work until the last possible minute, same as you. I never associated my procrastination with needing to achieve perfection, rather I knew I had been conditioned to think that I didn't have to work hard because things came naturally to me. Now I just call my procrastination laziness, and know where it stemmed from. I procrastinate with everything that is a slight chore. And I stress a little about it and know I will feel better if I just do it, but I leave it and leave it and leave it till the last possible time I can do it. It's a ridiculous feeling to have, and my thought process is so illogical while I am procrastinating.
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I share this problem. When I was in the third grade my parents went through a divorce. As is the custom, the school provided a counselor since my demeanor had changed in class. They soon realized I was very intelligent and had a grasp of the world around me much keener than most kids. Shortly after an IQ test was administered, and I tested higher than anyone who had been given the test up until that time in my area. After that everyone found out, and my mother in particular always told me how intelligent I was. This led to the extreme procrastination via perfectionism. Fucking sad really, I'm gonna change this shit.
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Ah yes, this describes me quite well. Which university did you attend oxidized?
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I'm going to start with not correcting my spellign 
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On March 25 2011 07:09 phosphorylation wrote:
Ah yes, this describes me quite well. Which university did you attend oxidized? Caltech
On March 25 2011 07:24 Saechiis wrote:I'm going to start with not correcting my spellign Haha nice, I'll try to start small as well.
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I feel you OP, I have slowly been trying to figure out what exactly is causing me to act in the ways I have been and I am pretty damn sure you describe me as well as yourself in the OP.
It's actually kind of funny, how being a perfectionist makes you make such imperfect decisions in very key areas.
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I'm quite similar to you.
Although my skills are well developed in many areas, I often feel less confident doing certain tasks than other people - ending hesitating(missing the window of opportunity).
I've realized that the solution to my problem is to think less and act more, but how to achieve that?
One of the ways is to keep busy all the time so you don't have the time to think, like having a lot of activities, tasks...
This way your rational brain will optimize in favor of not over-thinking all possibilities but doing practical, real-time decisions.
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Maybe you guys just have OCD? I'm sure there is medicine to help you relax and not care so much about the little things.
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You can't solve your problem because you don't undrestand what your problem is. Saying that you want to be perfect because you're a perfectionist is not an explanation, it's simply describing the state of affairs. The key is in why you are a perfectionist. A most basic human need is to feel socially accepted, and you've grown into the thought that your primary means of achieving this is by being better than anyone else at your chosen activity/activities(what you call perfect) You want to be perfect not because you want to be perfect, but because you want people to see you as perfect. Stop focusing on being what you think will make people like/aprecciate you, and start focusing on being what you are.
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