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If there's one thing that holds true in life, it's that people rarely change. This has held very true for me for the majority of my life, until today. Today, my world got turned upside down. No one died, my heart wasn't torn into pieces, I didn't have any life threatening experiences. What I did have, however, was a shower - a 55 minute one at that.
Two days ago, I went on a date. This isn't unusual for me, as I like to explore my options constantly, and usually don't have many problems with women. I think somewhat highly of myself, especially in my knowledge of women, and so I went into it expecting another good time. My expectations held very true. My expectations held too true. I told her I was going to surprise her as to where I was taking her, and brought her to one of my favorite sushi places. We started talking, and the more I talked to her, the more I realized something; we were exactly the same. I felt like I was talking to the female mirror of myself. Our upbringing was similar; I grew up in multiple families, she was a foster child that was eventually adopted. We both loved to excel at whatever we did. We both had a wide variety of interests. As the night went on, I found out she even played Starcraft for a long time. My mind was blown. After the date, I took her home, walked her to her door, and gave her a kiss on the cheek, suggesting another date whenever she wanted it. Up to this point, I was my standard self - a chivalrous gentlemen that knew how to talk, show a woman a good time, and followed all the standard rules of "taking it slow, but showing interest". Up to this point, I was fine. Then I did something that you should almost never do immediately after a first date; I texted her. Right after pressing send, I had a little arguement with myself, "Why did you do that!? You know you're not supposed to do that!". Luckily for me, she replied positively, and receptively. So we finished our little text conversation, and I got in bed, and fell asleep. At least that's what I would have done, had I not been kept up by my constant thoughts, and just awe at this girl, that was so similar to myself. After about 2 hours of keeping myself up, I finally dozed off.
The next morning, I awoke, and found myself with the biggest urge to text her. A quick lesson in dating: Always let the girl make the first text or callback. However, I was on tilt. This girl had me so ruffled that I texted her first. To put the icing on the cake, I texted "I hope you're happy, I couldn't fall asleep for 2 hours thanks to you". If you aren't reading that thinking "Wow, you are the biggest idiot ever", you should be, as I am now looking back on it. This is about the creepiest text you can receive as a female after only going on one date. Even if she doesn't immediately take something creepy from it, there's a huge "clingy" vibe it gives off. I pretty much knew I had fucked up what could have been a pretty fun girl to at minimum hang out with, let alone have a relationship with. She actually did end up replying back in confusion, but then ceased any further response. For the rest of the day, I was beating myself up, asking myself how I could have been so stupid. This was such a big, and abnormal fuck up for me. I was baffled by, and indescribably frustrated with myself. As the night drew to a close, I was just thinking about the conversation with her, and the things I told her about myself, as well as the things I learned about her. Periodically, the text would type itself out in my head, and I would cringe each time I watched myself press send. Eventually, as this continued on to me getting in to bed, I thought myself to sleep. Mental exhaustion is quite the sedative.
Upon awaking, I still felt like crap, and just kept forcing myself to doze back off. This continued until I couldn't do so anymore, which ended up being around 13 hours of sleep. Finally, I forced myself out of bed, went into the bathroom, and turned on the shower. As it warmed up, my thoughts picked up from where they left off.
Showers have always been an interesting place for me. The warm water, the steam, the closed space, the soothing sound - it generates a lot of thought. The dangerous part is, time goes by quickly, and I often lose track of it. As I stood under the water, enjoying the warmth and beading, I thought about what I told her about myself. I have quite a few accomplishments in my life, a lot of them very random, and I realized that I had told her most of them. I then began to think about other dates I've had, and the conversations that took place. In those, I had often listed a lot of my random accomplishments in life as well. I began to question why I did this. Was I just trying to brag? Was I trying to add some novelty to myself? Then something hit me from left field. I take myself way too seriously. Not only that, I'm taking life way too seriously. Here I am, beating myself up over such a wide range of things. Not only that, but I have a whole approach to dating that I stay so consistently with. And now that I finally broke it, and watched it backfire, I'm letting it get deep under my skin. Puzzle pieces were starting to piece together like never before. My general approach on life is so serious, and I want to win everything so badly. Why? When I talk to people, I do it so lightheartedly, and even criticize people for being so serious, and in the end, I'm the one that's taking everything so seriously. I've always prided myself on being impossible to offend, and having no shame. The truth is though, while I may not get offended by racial slurs, or sexual prodding, I take subtle offense to so much in life. When I don't win, at life, I take offense. Who am I? God? No. I can't expect everything to go my way. I can't expect to be the best, and to be honest, I shouldn't even really try to, at least respectively. I'm not being the best I can be, because I'm so busy trying to be the best everyone can be. I want to win so bad, and prove myself so convincingly, but in the end I'm only hurting myself. I have grown up with so much competition, and so much encouragement to "be the best", that I have lost life in translation. Suddenly I came to. The water was borderline cold. I hadn't even touched any sort of soap. I washed up, and got out of the shower, realizing I had been in for almost an hour.
TL, I am no better than anyone else. I have taken myself so seriously, and have been borderline arrogant for so much of my life. I need more humility, and I need to be a lot more light-hearted about life. It's too short to take everything so seriously.
In the words of The Joker, "Why so serious?"
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I don't normally post in blogs like these (in fact, I relatively rarely post here full stop), but you reminded me of myself back in the day.
My advice to you is to make sure you communicate clearly to this girl. Silence and keeping apart is generally a bad idea. If you've made a mistake, or you think you've made a mistake, talk to her about it. That's all I have to say.
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I like the advice ssj114, but if I'm reading this correctly he is more concerned with himself than the girl right now.
As for your thoughts on being too competitive and serious. It's really hard to tell from your post if that ever was an issue for the girl, but if you regret being like that now, her opinion doesn't matter anyway. When someone strive for perfection all the time, especially when doing so although they give the impression they are relaxed, I find they are often very concerned with the opinions people hold of them. You know better than me if this is true for you, but if it is the case you will probably want to allow yourself to "disappoint" people (most likely only disappointing yourself by doing so) every now and then. Don't want to go all psychoanalytical on you, but perhabs I can get away with a simple suggestion: Try to make a habit of asking yourself "why" whenever you set out to do something. Are you doing this to prove you are better than others? To look good in the eyes of someone else? Or do you simply want to?
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forgotten0ne
Thanks for sharing your epiphany. I suppose in many ways I can relate to what you're experiencing. I hope we can all learn from your wisdom.
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I think it's always important to keep reevaluating yourself, you shouldn't just take life like it's a joy ride because eventually you'll get sick of crashing, and you'll look back and say "wow, why didn't I learn from that the 7th time.." Holding yourself in a "god" status as you implied just helps you approach that status, that perfection, where as holding yourself in a "normal guy" status will just help you become that, a normal guy. Personally, I think life is all about the striving for perfection, and I've had a lot of shower experiences like you've had. But in the end, I always come back to trying to be perfect, because not caring just doesn't cut it for who I think I am. It's like playing Starcraft, if you never level with yourself and realize your mistakes, you'll never overcome them. Hope you feel better, sometimes it's just better to turn off your phone and sit in the shower to get some good thinking done.
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You probably aren't better than everyone else but certainly more clean now. 
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This was actually fairly entertaining to read compared to some of the other girl blogs (with there being a ton of these lately). Everything is fun and games, why so serious, is exactly what I think when it comes to girls lol
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This isn't even a girl blog guys. The fact that fucking up after a random first date was the trigger for this is incidental. This is about learning something about himself, just because there happens to be a girl involved at the beginning of the story doesn't mean that she's automatically the point of the whole thing lol.
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This is actually a realization I've had recently as well. Though you seem to have it a bit better figured out than I have, and it's nice to see I am not alone feeling this. So yeah, thank you I guess? And good luck.
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This "why so serious" thing is actually something that hits me every single day. Every day I hear some big argument and drama about... stuff... Most of the time, people get crazy about something they won't even think about two days later.
Btw, the girl part of your blog reminded me of the awesome "relationship game" posted on smbc a few days ago:
http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2091#comic
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but sometimes taking things seriously can be fun lol.
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Just as long as you know you're doing it on purpose of course.
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silly me, I came in here thinking it was another dumb girl blog and I'd play the asian game, but it was actually an interesting read!
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Canada9720 Posts
so did you hear from her again? or did you cut your losses? lol
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wow you are really mature. nice read.
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On December 21 2010 23:39 CTStalker wrote:
so did you hear from her again? or did you cut your losses? lol
I pretty much just cut my losses and moved on. Maybe if I send a random humility text in a week or so I might have a chance.
I'm glad a good majority of you got that the focus of this blog wasn't the girl. I think a lot of people get so wrapped up in their lives, they forget to just enjoy it. My goal here was to help people realize that through my story.
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Dont text wait for her. If she has your number a text will pop up eventually even if it takes a year or two. Trust me it has happend to me. Just live on and wait. Don´t text her she will eventually remember you if you did a real impact. just dont text ever.
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...why is it so wrong to text the girl first? I could understand not doing it immediately after the date, but why would it be so bad to tell you had a good time?
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On December 22 2010 07:43 forgotten0ne wrote:Show nested quote +On December 21 2010 23:39 CTStalker wrote:
so did you hear from her again? or did you cut your losses? lol I pretty much just cut my losses and moved on. Maybe if I send a random humility text in a week or so I might have a chance. I'm glad a good majority of you got that the focus of this blog wasn't the girl. I think a lot of people get so wrapped up in their lives, they forget to just enjoy it. My goal here was to help people realize that through my story.
Now you sound exactly like a friend of mine. There's a difference between "enjoying life" and "taking life as a joke". Perhaps you'll fully understand this one day. I still don't.
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I had the same realisation too, once. I think it's small world syndrome (I just made that up). Not having enough things to think about, so you think a lot about the only things going on. Gotta keep busy busy busy, then you don't sweat the small stuff. I know that's not what you're saying, but I think that's the truth behind people who take things too seriously.
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That's totally true. When you keep busy you simply don't have time to give a shit about stupid, insignificant stuff.
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EPT
