EPTTwo days ago, I went on a date. This isn't unusual for me, as I like to explore my options constantly, and usually don't have many problems with women. I think somewhat highly of myself, especially in my knowledge of women, and so I went into it expecting another good time. My expectations held very true. My expectations held too true. I told her I was going to surprise her as to where I was taking her, and brought her to one of my favorite sushi places. We started talking, and the more I talked to her, the more I realized something; we were exactly the same. I felt like I was talking to the female mirror of myself. Our upbringing was similar; I grew up in multiple families, she was a foster child that was eventually adopted. We both loved to excel at whatever we did. We both had a wide variety of interests. As the night went on, I found out she even played Starcraft for a long time. My mind was blown. After the date, I took her home, walked her to her door, and gave her a kiss on the cheek, suggesting another date whenever she wanted it. Up to this point, I was my standard self - a chivalrous gentlemen that knew how to talk, show a woman a good time, and followed all the standard rules of "taking it slow, but showing interest". Up to this point, I was fine. Then I did something that you should almost never do immediately after a first date; I texted her. Right after pressing send, I had a little arguement with myself, "Why did you do that!? You know you're not supposed to do that!". Luckily for me, she replied positively, and receptively. So we finished our little text conversation, and I got in bed, and fell asleep. At least that's what I would have done, had I not been kept up by my constant thoughts, and just awe at this girl, that was so similar to myself. After about 2 hours of keeping myself up, I finally dozed off.
The next morning, I awoke, and found myself with the biggest urge to text her. A quick lesson in dating: Always let the girl make the first text or callback. However, I was on tilt. This girl had me so ruffled that I texted her first. To put the icing on the cake, I texted "I hope you're happy, I couldn't fall asleep for 2 hours thanks to you". If you aren't reading that thinking "Wow, you are the biggest idiot ever", you should be, as I am now looking back on it. This is about the creepiest text you can receive as a female after only going on one date. Even if she doesn't immediately take something creepy from it, there's a huge "clingy" vibe it gives off. I pretty much knew I had fucked up what could have been a pretty fun girl to at minimum hang out with, let alone have a relationship with. She actually did end up replying back in confusion, but then ceased any further response. For the rest of the day, I was beating myself up, asking myself how I could have been so stupid. This was such a big, and abnormal fuck up for me. I was baffled by, and indescribably frustrated with myself. As the night drew to a close, I was just thinking about the conversation with her, and the things I told her about myself, as well as the things I learned about her. Periodically, the text would type itself out in my head, and I would cringe each time I watched myself press send. Eventually, as this continued on to me getting in to bed, I thought myself to sleep. Mental exhaustion is quite the sedative.
Upon awaking, I still felt like crap, and just kept forcing myself to doze back off. This continued until I couldn't do so anymore, which ended up being around 13 hours of sleep. Finally, I forced myself out of bed, went into the bathroom, and turned on the shower. As it warmed up, my thoughts picked up from where they left off.
Showers have always been an interesting place for me. The warm water, the steam, the closed space, the soothing sound - it generates a lot of thought. The dangerous part is, time goes by quickly, and I often lose track of it. As I stood under the water, enjoying the warmth and beading, I thought about what I told her about myself. I have quite a few accomplishments in my life, a lot of them very random, and I realized that I had told her most of them. I then began to think about other dates I've had, and the conversations that took place. In those, I had often listed a lot of my random accomplishments in life as well. I began to question why I did this. Was I just trying to brag? Was I trying to add some novelty to myself? Then something hit me from left field. I take myself way too seriously. Not only that, I'm taking life way too seriously. Here I am, beating myself up over such a wide range of things. Not only that, but I have a whole approach to dating that I stay so consistently with. And now that I finally broke it, and watched it backfire, I'm letting it get deep under my skin. Puzzle pieces were starting to piece together like never before. My general approach on life is so serious, and I want to win everything so badly. Why? When I talk to people, I do it so lightheartedly, and even criticize people for being so serious, and in the end, I'm the one that's taking everything so seriously. I've always prided myself on being impossible to offend, and having no shame. The truth is though, while I may not get offended by racial slurs, or sexual prodding, I take subtle offense to so much in life. When I don't win, at life, I take offense. Who am I? God? No. I can't expect everything to go my way. I can't expect to be the best, and to be honest, I shouldn't even really try to, at least respectively. I'm not being the best I can be, because I'm so busy trying to be the best everyone can be. I want to win so bad, and prove myself so convincingly, but in the end I'm only hurting myself. I have grown up with so much competition, and so much encouragement to "be the best", that I have lost life in translation. Suddenly I came to. The water was borderline cold. I hadn't even touched any sort of soap. I washed up, and got out of the shower, realizing I had been in for almost an hour.
TL, I am no better than anyone else. I have taken myself so seriously, and have been borderline arrogant for so much of my life. I need more humility, and I need to be a lot more light-hearted about life. It's too short to take everything so seriously.
In the words of The Joker, "Why so serious?"
