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This is a very long post. The last few paragraphs hold the most importance, if you feel like skipping around. However, I'm going to start this from the beginning.
I have no motivation. My sleep cycle is screwed up beyond any reasonable semblance to society. Often days, I do not have the energy to get out of bed for a number of hours. I don't enjoy the things that I've always enjoyed. The only time I've left my house in the last month is to see my therapist or pick up medication. I take freezing cold showers solely for the purpose of self punishment- for what, I do not know. My relationships have crumbled and my grades have fallen.
Despite all this, this blog isn't meant to be a whine blog. My objective here is one of self discovery- that by being able to type what I have scrambled in my mind, I may be able to collect and organize it in a way it makes more sense. I could very well do this in a notepad instead of a forum but, under the veil of internet semi-anonymity, I figure some people may have words to aid this journey as well.
In the past, I have written blog posts regarding a lack of motivation and extremely poor sleep cycles, of which often lacked direction and, thus, results. Months later (weeks ago) after a mental breakdown that has caused me to withdraw from school until Spring, I've started a course of recovery to attempt to discover and define these unknown issues, in the hopes of developing coping mechanisms or life skills to prevent such breakdowns in the future.
I first started seeing a psychiatrist a year ago, hoping to discover that my issues were simply a chemical imbalance and that I could avoid therapy. My hopes were that they would take a blood test, discover my problem and simply inject the quick-fix in to my blood stream. Unfortunately, the blood test done was simply to make sure there was no physical health issues, and in December 2009, I started the trial and error for medication.
To those unaware, the science behind antidepressants is pretty lackluster. Try new medications is a scary experience. When I started Prozac in December 2009, I was at a period in time when I slept too much. After cutting Prozac, I started having insane insomnia, awake for 90 hour periods before getting lucky enough to close my eyes for maybe 3. I started EffeXor (many months later, after losing hope in Prozac and ditching my psychiatrist) in hopes to get me to sleep more, ignoring the fact that oversleeping was initially the big concern. I started oversleeping again, and we eventually noticed that, while it was seemingly having no effect, my sleep pattern continued shifting from oversleeping to sleep deprivation every few weeks. He suspected it might be a sign of Bipolar disorder, but I didn't seem to fit those symptoms aside from sleeping. Combine this trial and error madness with the fact that every medication runs the risk of worsening your chemical imbalance where you may have increased suicidal thoughts, and it's not a fun experience. 3 days ago I started a new drug, Wellbutrin, which is supposed to give me more energy after the last month of oversleeping so we'll see where this takes me. This time, I have the added side effect of being more prone to seizures- let's just hope that doesn't become an issue.
I eventually gave in to the idea of therapy. I'm currently out of school until April on medical leave for this whole fiasco and figured that, if anything, it would get me out of the house once a week.
In our first week, we started off with a psych test in attempt to rule out such things as Bipolar Disorder and PTSD, and the early diagnosis suggests that I have Single Episode Major Depression Disorder. I'm still not quite sure what "Single Episode" means in this regard, but the impression I got was that, by figuring out the current issues and thoughts in my mind that have broken me, I can follow the road to recovery (as opposed to lifelong recurring trauma.)
The second week was pretty open-book. I didn't know what to talk about. I have an ideal family who loves and supports me. I have friends who I trust. I have goals in life that are within reach. My bank account could be larger, but I have no debt. There are things in this world that annoy me, but to no level at which seems outside what I conceive to be normal. It was a week of elimination, I guess- wherein I simply talked for an hour about what my life was all about. It eventually escalated to a point wherein I expressed guilt for being a dependent of my family. I don't necessarily know if it was guilt, or if I simply enjoy the prospect of independence more. I'm still debating in my mind exactly what this session yielded, but after this last Tuesdays session, I have something a little more important on my mind.
You may or may not have read this post that I made in the long-dead "Contemplating suicide" thread (written by someone else). If you haven't, I'll give you the short version- 2 of my significant others have died, I've attempted suicide, yada yada yada. Now, I'll give you the real version- it was complete bullshit.
This last Tuesday with my therapist, I came out and expressed that I believe myself to be a compulsive liar. For years, the greatest of my friendships and relationships were forged in mutual pain. By finding someone as broken as me, I find that I can relate to them the most. My closest friends have always said that I am a good listener more than anything- maybe because my depression enables me a higher understanding of the troubled mind, I don't really know.
So why, then, do I lie, and lie so extravagantly as the previously linked post? Why would I claim to have had 2 dead significant others and many suicide attempts when the truth is that I have had 1 childhood crush, 1 online significant other that I met twice before we broke up and have never attempted suicide? Why have I told this lie to just about everyone whom I am close friends with?
The strange part is, I have told these lies for so long that I had often begun to believe them, in the fucked up mind that is mine. Nights would pass where I would sleep on half a bed, draping my arm across the other side as if someone was missing, when, in fact, I have never shared a bed with such a person. I would look at photos and weep, not for a regretful end to a relationship but for a dead person, whom is very much alive last I checked.
I cannot explain this phenomenon or how I came to use it so naturally. After explaining this to my therapist, he says that it may be a defense mechanism, developed either to put myself on the same level as those who call me a 'good listener', inventing drama in my life so that I can be on the same page as someone who has sincere drama. He also says that maybe these lost loves may have felt like death, to the point where my mind could not tell the difference.
I understand what he is trying to tell me- that it may not be my fault- but I cannot, in my right mind, justify such lies with excuses. The fact is, aside from whatever unknown issue is screwing with my head, I have had a fairly ideal life, one which should be full of social prosperity without the use of nonsensical lies.
What's done is done, unfortunately. Right now, I'm trying to figure out what can be done about it and clear my head on the issue. I feel like telling the world of my lies, but I fear that somehow, some way, my friendships would not be as potent or strong without this lie in place, and that by telling people, I may be doing more damage than I am clearing my head. To some people, I've given a generic apology, citing that "I may have told some shitty lies in the past, which I dare not repeat, but I did so with no ill intentions and I hope you can forgive me." I have not actually told anyone directly other than my therapist what these lies were (until now) and still find myself in a constant state of debate as of how to handle this situation.
However, that's enough of a wall of text for now. I hope this is well received- as I said, my intention for writing this was more-so to form my thoughts in to words as a form of self-help. However, if anyone has any input or bright ideas, I'd be more than happy to hear it.
Edit: Also, I may make new posts in here as an outlet for forthcoming therapy sessions, if I have any new discoveries or epiphanies worth mentioning.
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No matter how steep or massive the hurdle is I feel everyone is capable of overcoming hardships in life. I can't even begin to imagine the things that have happened to you Nokarot but I believe in you and hope the best for you in recovering from insomnia/other issues that affect your daily life.
Plus I know you're a good guy! Keep up the photography too dude. Whenever I read posts of yours that dwell or talk on the negative aspects of your life or attempting suicide I always find myself thinking of the positives that I know from meeting/knowing you, primarily an amazing artist/photographer. Like I'm dead serious when I say you are probably one of the best photographers I've ever met. Not just anyone can take pictures like you do and also you have a eye for what pictures to present. You really have a talent there. You're also a really friendly person to be around despite everything that you deal with.
So basically what I'm trying to say here is no matter what happens u better know I'm always behind ya!
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Canada3953 Posts
Damn I see a lot of myself in this blog. 86.5 hours straight was the worst my insomnia got but for two months I was on a cycle of being awake from inbetween 48-72 hours and then sleeping the remainder of the week (like 5 hours a night probably which shit after true insomnia is godsent). I got put on seroquil and rememeron and that fixed my sleep schedule instantly.
just keep going, you're probably insane though. I can't say anything other than from what I've read, I understand.
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im being serious right now dont take me for a troll
do you watch porn?
i want you to try not jerking off for a period of time. maybe a week or two, or maybe a month.
i think give urself some time then release and you'll feel really good 
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That sounds pretty scary, especially with the medication not working and the imsomnia.
I wish I had a solution as simple and as elegant as jgreen's but really I don't.
It might be painful but I think you really need to take an honest look at how much you hurt those you lied to. Did you actually cause any damage or is it just your mind playing tricks with you. I can't talk for anyone else but I don't see your post in the other thread a big deal. I mean it's not a good thing but given the story behind it I don't think it makes you a terrible a person and it probably didn't hurt anyone in any significant way.
Excessive guilt can be a symptom of depression. Same with low self-esteem. I mean, if people knew you for who you actually are, what would they think? Would they really reject you or would they actually find you interesting?
You need to realize that your mind isn't really objective at the moment. You see the world, yourself, your actions as worse than they actually are. That's just what depression does. You might not be able to change that by force of will alone, but at least keep some doubt in your mind whenever these negative thoughts prop up.
Other than that keep up with the therapy and hopefully something starts working. You could also look into CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). It focuses on identifying and questioning distorted negative thinking. Look up "Feeling Good, the New Mood Therapy" by David Burns. It's basically a self-help book and can be done along side talk therapy and medication.
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I think we need to find you a nerdy asian girlfriend to distract you at every possible opportunity. She has to be needy and annoying.
I find that being annoyed or angered by someone is the best way to cure depression, at least in the short term. 
No matter what, know that the DC nerds support you !
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I suggest a bit of exercise to get the Endorphins pumping! Endorphins are the bodies "feel-good" chemicals and also since you mentioned that you had over-weight issues, which often directly negatively impacts depression, I'm confi it'll be good for you!
Please try and force yourself to exercise just 5-10mins a day to begin with gradually ending with 30 mns to 45 mins a day, over a period of 1-2 months. Therapy is pretty awesome too.
From your blogpost you seem a pretty standup guy so I shouldn't worry too much that you'll remain like this for long. Am quite sure you'll pull yourself up. Keep us posted.
Much love.
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man, all I can really say is that I understand. I have sleeping problems which stem from other problems, namely my illness which keeps me completely confined to the house and unable to exercise. Basically, the blood circulation in my body is messed up so whenever I try to do anything or even when I'm not doing anything I feel a lot of pain and lightheaded and tired. Being basically confined to the house for three years so far has really killed my mental health. Be very careful with medication as I take a ton and have firsthand experience with what withdrawals or overdoses of meds can do to you, and it's not pretty. and also I used to take antidepressants but I stopped, and without a doubt I feel no worse than normal. none of them helped, and it's this way for alot of people. If in doubt, take nothing. Exercise will help you a lot more.
Hope this helps & sorry if it's kinda incoherent as my illness messes up blood flow to my brain and makes things like this far more difficult than it should be.
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What you've described sounds a lot like Borderline Personality Disorder, though that is in general a pretty broad diagnosis. I do know that therapists have a history of hiding that sort of diagnosis from their patients, because it's very difficult to treat.
Anyway, I recommend finding a therapist skilled in CBT, like hypercube mentioned. Overall, it's a pretty powerful form of therapy that has helped a lot of people with very severe levels of depression.
I've never had depression on the level you've described, but I can sympathize. The worst are people that tell you to buck up, like it's really that simple.
My advice? Force yourself to do just one thing each day, even if it's just walking around the park, visiting the library, cleaning your room, or something of that nature. It's a drag, but I can guarantee that you'll feel better afterward. You'll feel less like your life is completely pointless and directionless.
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Oh wow, after reading this post I find that you're a lot like me. I have sleeping problems, create non-existent dramas in my mind, make my life harder than it needs to be, try to make others feel sorry for me, etc.
I've never bothered to see a psychiatrist or therapist though. Are you finding it helpful at all?
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I've been where you are. My path of medication has been celexa > prozac > effexor > welbutrin > mirtazipine. I had a particularly bad run with the welbutrin, I was fine with it at lower doses, but after it was jacked up I definitely had at least one seizure where I got admitted to the ER. I think I may have had one more; it's hard to say because unless you're with someone you might not notice it happening, there was no forewarning in my case anyway. Thankfully it happened about 5 minutes before I would've gotten into a car...needless to say, Im off wellbutrin now.
I hesitated to write this post, because I don't want to discourage you from taking your meds. I come from a family full of healthcare practitioners so I could go on for hours about biochemistry. But I decided to post this anyways, because even if you can't do anything about it, it's still better to know than not know (IMHO)
On the lying thing. I don't think your experience is unusual at all. We human beings lie to each other and ourselves every day in one way or another. It's perfectly rational that people who are Depressed (with a capital D) lie more often than those who are not. Even "normal" people are more likely to lie when they're in a depressive mood, however temporary. Compulsive lying is completly different; that would require you to gain immense amounts of pleasure from the act of lying itself...and that wasn't the impression I got from your post, it seems more guilt-ridden than anything else.
To me it sounds more like your mind is having difficulty rationalizing where you are right now with how you got to be this way, and the lies are the brain's natural (if clumsy) attempts to invent an answer that will allow you to function as a "normal" human being. To use the adreneline analogy from Day9 daily #100, it's not you, it's just some stupid chemicals inside you.
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Skipping the "Don't watch porn for 2 weeks" comment because, frankly, I'm pretty sure that the cure to all kinds of clinical depression has very little to do with 14 days of self-abstinence.
To Luckyfool/Sadistx and any other lurking DC nerds, I appreciate the support. I missed Cyberground #2 and the pre-party because I was overridden with guilt for trying to find a single car ride and place to stay for 1 night (despite it being an insignificant request to most people). When I actually get somewhere, though, I am easily able to focus in participating in normal social activities, thankfully. It just takes a bit of work to get that far, is all.
On December 18 2010 12:18 MiniRoman wrote:
I got put on seroquil and rememeron and that fixed my sleep schedule instantly.
My doctors have recommended certain sleep medications, but the fact that my sleep pattern goes from insomnia (~3 hours in ~4 days) to oversleeping (16 hours a day and still tired and cant get out of bed) every few weeks, it's unclear what exactly the problem is. Insomnia may be the main problem, wherein I eventually accumulate so much sleep "debt" that I'm forced in to another cycle. We're still exploring possibilities before putting me on any medication that may throw it for a loop even more.
At this moment in time, thankfully, I'm doing just fine. However, there was always a period of normality between these issues in the past, so we'll see.
On December 18 2010 12:53 hypercube wrote:
It might be painful but I think you really need to take an honest look at how much you hurt those you lied to. Did you actually cause any damage or is it just your mind playing tricks with you. I can't talk for anyone else but I don't see your post in the other thread a big deal. I mean it's not a good thing but given the story behind it I don't think it makes you a terrible a person and it probably didn't hurt anyone in any significant way.
Excessive guilt can be a symptom of depression. Same with low self-esteem. I mean, if people knew you for who you actually are, what would they think? Would they really reject you or would they actually find you interesting?
Posting what I did in that thread I linked was small-time, as far as I'm concerned. A singular lie to strangers and keeping up a lie for months and years as a way of growing a strong relationship/friendship are two wildly different things. The former doesn't phase me; I simply linked it to explain the lie. Using that lie on my friends, however, troubles me quite a bit.
The few people who I've spoken to about it seem to be unhurt by it. I do fear that the truth may cause damage- and I believe it to be a completely rational fear- but in the end, I also trust that my true friends would find a way to understand or forgive. The guilt comes from wishing they wouldn't have to. It may be an excessive level, but I refuse to forgive myself or accept the doctors reasoning (no matter how potentially logical) as a means of making an excuse.
On December 18 2010 13:13 Firereaver wrote:
I suggest a bit of exercise to get the Endorphins pumping! Endorphins are the bodies "feel-good" chemicals and also since you mentioned that you had over-weight issues, which often directly negatively impacts depression, I'm confi it'll be good for you!
Yeah, I definitely need to, especially with all the free time I have nowadays. Overweight or not, I think I'm at a pretty healthy level (described maybe as "overweight like a football lineman") but I could certainly lose some weight, gain some muscle, or just be a bit more active.
On December 18 2010 13:31 Creation85 wrote:
man, all I can really say is that I understand. I have sleeping problems which stem from other problems, namely my illness which keeps me completely confined to the house and unable to exercise. Basically, the blood circulation in my body is messed up so whenever I try to do anything or even when I'm not doing anything I feel a lot of pain and lightheaded and tired. Being basically confined to the house for three years so far has really killed my mental health. Be very careful with medication as I take a ton and have firsthand experience with what withdrawals or overdoses of meds can do to you, and it's not pretty. and also I used to take antidepressants but I stopped, and without a doubt I feel no worse than normal. none of them helped, and it's this way for alot of people. If in doubt, take nothing. Exercise will help you a lot more.
I forgot to mention that I did have to have a forced withdrawal off of EffeXor, which I am only just now getting over. My psychiatrist was at a conference for a week, thanksgiving the next week, then I was sick the next week and he was sick the following week. Near the end of all that I ran out of pills and, considering I was on the maximum dosage, it threatened illness if I didn't ween off of it. Considering the EffeXor wasn't working after a few-months period, I decided to force myself through withdrawal to speed up the process so I could get on to the next thing. Wasn't the greatest week of my life, but I just started Wellbutrin so we'll see.
All I have to do is be patient and talk to someone once a week- sounds like your problems prevent you from even getting out the door. That really sucks. I think my mind is confined to this house, but my body isn't, and for that I'm semi-grateful. I hope you get better.
On December 18 2010 14:59 Baby_Seal wrote:
I've never had depression on the level you've described, but I can sympathize. The worst are people that tell you to buck up, like it's really that simple.
My advice? Force yourself to do just one thing each day, even if it's just walking around the park, visiting the library, cleaning your room, or something of that nature. It's a drag, but I can guarantee that you'll feel better afterward. You'll feel less like your life is completely pointless and directionless.
Yeah, it really is no help when people tell you to cheer up. My mind is simply too scattered to be happy- something which my psychiatrist and therapist have described to be a propellant of my racing thoughts (which, in turn, are one of many reasons I find myself unable to sleep).
As silly as it sounds, my emotions create false truths even though the logic inside my mind is against it. Bare with me, because this will sound ridiculous. For example, I look to the sky. The logic in my mind says that this sky is blue, with a bit of white for the clouds. No matter how much absolute sense this makes to me, my emotional side tells me that maybe there's a little red or green somewhere that I just can't see, even though this makes absolutely no sense and is borderline impossible (under the conditions of looking at a bright blue sky, anyway, not a sunset).
I don't quite know how to describe this phenomenon past that, other than that my emotional mind is always disobeying my logical mind, when I, personally, have always run as a being who thrived on logic and reasoning. It doesn't matter what question I ask myself; I always invent doubt. That is, except when I ask myself whether I'm happy or not- that one always seems to get a straight answer. If my mind can't decide the color of a blue sky, then "cheering up" is much easier said than done.
On December 18 2010 15:07 Umbrella wrote:
Oh wow, after reading this post I find that you're a lot like me. I have sleeping problems, create non-existent dramas in my mind, make my life harder than it needs to be, try to make others feel sorry for me, etc.
I've never bothered to see a psychiatrist or therapist though. Are you finding it helpful at all?
For a while I avoided therapy, having had too much pride to talk to someone about my problems. I think I'd still be without therapy if my mother didn't require it as a trade from acquiring medical leave in school. The first two weeks didn't seem to reveal too much- it seemed more like he was collecting a back story to go off of for future therapy sessions. When I finally confessed my guilt for the lying, though, there was a strange sense of relief. I've yet to have any epiphanies that will solve all of life's problems, but supposedly that will take time. In the meantime, I find myself curious of what will come out of it. As for the psychiatrist/medicine, as I said, it's trial and error. I haven't found my medical solution yet, and I may never, but it's worth a shot.
However, I'd like to clarify that having sleeping problems, lying and all this aren't necessarily depression. Until it starts effecting your life in a way where yourself unable to reliably operate in modern society, I'd classify it simply as stress. Stress is bad, of course, but I wouldn't assume the worst if I were you. Normal people have sleeping problems, too.
On December 18 2010 15:32 RoboBob wrote:
I've been where you are. My path of medication has been celexa > prozac > effexor > welbutrin > mirtazipine. I had a particularly bad run with the welbutrin, I was fine with it at lower doses, but after it was jacked up I definitely had at least one seizure where I got admitted to the ER. I think I may have had one more; it's hard to say because unless you're with someone you might not notice it happening, there was no forewarning in my case anyway. Thankfully it happened about 5 minutes before I would've gotten into a car...needless to say, Im off wellbutrin now.
I hesitated to write this post, because I don't want to discourage you from taking your meds. I come from a family full of healthcare practitioners so I could go on for hours about biochemistry. But I decided to post this anyways, because even if you can't do anything about it, it's still better to know than not know (IMHO)
Yeah, I'm aware of the seizure risks. It's a scary thought that I'm hoping to be able to avoid, but we'll see. Every medication seems to have a risk of some variety- if this is one of the worse ones, I'd rather test it now than to test it when I resume school. However, I'm curious, how exactly do you know if you're having a seizure? Nowadays I'm pretty isolated in my bedroom through the large majority of the day, eating all my meals alone and really only going upstairs to do essentials (shower, etc). The only time I'm ever really with someone is on Tuesdays when I'm getting a ride from my mother to/from my therapist.
On December 18 2010 16:40 Faranth wrote:
I can relate significantly to your situation, Nokarot. Although the therapist I've been seeing for a month now hasn't explicitly mentioned any disorder/illness, I'm suffering from some sort of depression too. Over the past few years I have become lethargic and lifeless, such that I barely do anything at all now. Mostly, I sleep until I can't, though that isn't long sometimes.
For some reason I still continue to do class work for university, though I had to drop a course earlier on because I couldn't write a research paper. In the remaining courses my marks are ridiculously good, but I hardly care about it. As most have said in some way, I am quickly becoming a wasted talent, and have been intensely suicidal for years. Anyways, that's enough about me.
With regards to the compulsive lying: friendships sustained by false foundations will eventually show their weakness, and lead to some sort of conflict. In saying that I do not mean to say that there will be a shouting match, but people do tend to be confused and hurt by dishonesty. At the same time, the only way to effectively remedy that, at least in an immediate fashion is to be frank about what you've been doing. Those who have seen you through this far would hopefully appreciate the effort and disclosure, though that is only my assumption and slightly idealistic view on the matter. The alternative is to keep it a secret and let it pass, but at least from the perspective of a friend I would much rather think those horrible things you've mentioned are lies rather than the actual reality.
Friendships built on trust and honesty are difficult at first, but they are ultimately far more potent than those sustained by lies. The feeling of trust is a mutual feeling and at least in my mind trumps the one-way street of someone receiving sympathy based on untruths. For most of my life I have put myself below others, and without that parity many of my friendships have been seriously problematic. The most functional and enjoyable are those where my friend and I feel like equals. I would encourage you to seek that parity and see how it goes.
Sorry to hear about your depression, as well. I find it strange that someone can function through school and yet be lethargic and suicidal, while I cannot function at all in school and am completely non-suicidal. I suppose that's just how it works, though- it rips through each person in such random ways. I just hope we both pull through.
Regarding friendships, that is basically exactly what has been going through my head. I don't wish to live a friendship based around lies. However, I fear that the awkward conversation of explaining the lie will cause more damage than it really should. On the other hand, I trust that the friends I have will understand or sympathize. I've told people this lie, but I'm not so sure my relationships are formed off of it. It's just a matter of whether I should risk any disappointment from my friends or clear my head.
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On December 18 2010 17:55 Nokarot wrote:Show nested quote +On December 18 2010 12:53 hypercube wrote:
It might be painful but I think you really need to take an honest look at how much you hurt those you lied to. Did you actually cause any damage or is it just your mind playing tricks with you. I can't talk for anyone else but I don't see your post in the other thread a big deal. I mean it's not a good thing but given the story behind it I don't think it makes you a terrible a person and it probably didn't hurt anyone in any significant way.
Excessive guilt can be a symptom of depression. Same with low self-esteem. I mean, if people knew you for who you actually are, what would they think? Would they really reject you or would they actually find you interesting? Posting what I did in that thread I linked was small-time, as far as I'm concerned. A singular lie to strangers and keeping up a lie for months and years as a way of growing a strong relationship/friendship are two wildly different things. The former doesn't phase me; I simply linked it to explain the lie. Using that lie on my friends, however, troubles me quite a bit.
Yeah, that makes sense.
The few people who I've spoken to about it seem to be unhurt by it. I do fear that the truth may cause damage- and I believe it to be a completely rational fear- but in the end, I also trust that my true friends would find a way to understand or forgive. The guilt comes from wishing they wouldn't have to. It may be an excessive level, but I refuse to forgive myself or accept the doctors reasoning (no matter how potentially logical) as a means of making an excuse.
I wonder how you would react if a friend of yours did the same to you. Would you forgive them? Would you feel that they needed to be punished for what they did? Or would you react with sympathy and compassion?
What if someone you actually dislike did this to their friends (for similar reasons)? Would you go out of your way to tell him he's a terrible person? Maybe kick him a few times while he's down?
I'm not saying this to imply that your friends should forgive you. That's their decision to make. But when I feel guilty about something I often find it helpful to ask myself these questions.
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I guess I never quite thought of that. I guess it really depends on how well they explained it. When I type, I have a lot of time to reflect on what I'm going to say. When I try to explain my problems to people in person, therapist included, I lose my train of thought constantly and fail to make sense in many ways, ending every sentence with "... or something, I don't know."
I don't think I'd be the type of person to kick someone when they're down, but if they failed to explain it properly then I'd probably be really hurt. The more and more people I talk to about this, though (as well as posting on this forum) the more practice I'm getting in being able to form these words. Eventually I hope to come clean to everyone, but its easier and easier to find the proper words the longer I wait.
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Sorry to be so blunt. There is no thing such as mental illness. The brain and therefore mind are directly connected to the body. There is only physical degeneration. You're physically degenerated to the point of your brain functioning less than optimally. The only way to fix that is eat less and eat healthier.
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On December 19 2010 00:18 HowitZer wrote:
Sorry to be so blunt. There is no thing such as mental illness. The brain and therefore mind are directly connected to the body. There is only physical degeneration. You're physically degenerated to the point of your brain functioning less than optimally. The only way to fix that is eat less and eat healthier.
Hey um HowitZer is really wrong, please ignore any comments from people like him. Mental illness does exist, genetic and epigenetic (environmental) issues can lead to problems in the balance of neurotransmitters in the brain, but it is not very well understood and is highly linked to stressful events in your life, etc. In any case, saying that the brain = the body = eating is one of the dumbest and least helpful things I have ever seen posted on TL.
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On December 19 2010 00:18 HowitZer wrote:
Sorry to be so blunt. There is no thing such as mental illness. The brain and therefore mind are directly connected to the body. There is only physical degeneration. You're physically degenerated to the point of your brain functioning less than optimally. The only way to fix that is eat less and eat healthier.
http://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mental_illness_(alphabetical_list)
Yep, every single thing on the list can be fixed by having a nutritionist and a gym membership + fitness coach.
I do agree that mental illness might be over diagnosed (depression and ADHD are 2 big ones) but saying "mental illness" doesn't exist is pretty dumb.
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On December 19 2010 00:18 HowitZer wrote:
Sorry to be so blunt. There is no thing such as mental illness. The brain and therefore mind are directly connected to the body. There is only physical degeneration. You're physically degenerated to the point of your brain functioning less than optimally. The only way to fix that is eat less and eat healthier.
Frankly, it all depends on your definitions for mental and physical. If you're one of those by-the-book dictionary digging people, you could probably find reasons to draw relations between them. Neurotransmitters are a physical entity, too, composed of matter, however microscopic they are. Genetic and environmental issues don't work against you like magic, they simply erode your system through different often-unseen, undetected and/or dormant physical abnormalities.
However, I'm pretty sure the cure to serious cases of depression, psychosis and other diseases labeled as mental illnesses is not to eat less and eat healthier. To say such a thing, much less believe it, is absurd. While I may or may not be one of them, there are people who are physically healthy and considered mentally ill.
However, looking through your post history I see some "The FDA is a conspiracy" and "Eat less denatured foods and more raw/processed foods" stuff. If you're going to talk like you know everything, being the ~30 year old Einstein with a PHD in Health related issues, specifically regarding how that Mental Health "doesn't exist" despite years of worldly research from some of the smartest people, both dead and alive, I'd love to see some evidence. To get your doctorate you usually need a little more, up to a few hundred pages even, rather than than telling people to "eat less and eat healthier."
But it's cool, you're the expert.
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On December 18 2010 20:00 Nokarot wrote:
I guess I never quite thought of that. I guess it really depends on how well they explained it. When I type, I have a lot of time to reflect on what I'm going to say. When I try to explain my problems to people in person, therapist included, I lose my train of thought constantly and fail to make sense in many ways, ending every sentence with "... or something, I don't know."
I don't think I'd be the type of person to kick someone when they're down, but if they failed to explain it properly then I'd probably be really hurt. The more and more people I talk to about this, though (as well as posting on this forum) the more practice I'm getting in being able to form these words. Eventually I hope to come clean to everyone, but its easier and easier to find the proper words the longer I wait.
That sounds reasonable. And there's a huge contrast between this attitude and saying "I'll never forgive myself". I still think you are being extremely harsh to yourself. More than you would to anyone else. And I just don't think it's fair.
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On December 19 2010 03:01 crazeman wrote:Show nested quote +On December 19 2010 00:18 HowitZer wrote:
Sorry to be so blunt. There is no thing such as mental illness. The brain and therefore mind are directly connected to the body. There is only physical degeneration. You're physically degenerated to the point of your brain functioning less than optimally. The only way to fix that is eat less and eat healthier. http://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mental_illness_(alphabetical_list)Yep, every single thing on the list can be fixed by having a nutritionist and a gym membership + fitness coach. I do agree that mental illness might be over diagnosed (depression and ADHD are 2 big ones) but saying "mental illness" doesn't exist is pretty dumb.
this post is quite on the money. You cant sleep its cause you really arent tired your body and most importantly your brain keeps on going. You really need to get tired by doing exercise and getting tired and forcing your body to sleep cause you are too tired. The lack of sleep and the lack of Phisical training makes your mind into a mush of self hatred and the sense of not living your own life. You become a shell of your own self and you think everything is not real, you are just a fake going towards nowhere and your life seems pointless. The best you can do is force yourself into Phisical exercise and proper dieting. Stay away from any prescription drugs they only cover the problem they dont solve it. You have to shut down your brain that tells you that you are a failiure you have to think you ae the best thing in the world and believe it no matter what. That will pull you through. I had some kind of depressive cycle or experience. Last year nothing seemed to matter but I pushed on Through I kept living searching for something better and I learnt I should just think that everything will be better no matter what. After a I found out a Friend had died I thought to my self Damm life is too fucking short to be thinking everyday sucks I will believe from now on that every day is a fucking miracle Which if you think about it, it is. So yeah You can Improve man and what ever are your regrets and your fears Think that you are better than all that, you can overcome anything if you really really want it. GL man and hold on!
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Korea (South)11591 Posts
Well, like you said before, what is done is done. There are things that you simple cannot take back. However we as people learn to forgive. I can forgive you for telling me that you had a loved one pass. That is not really an issue. When we are faced with a trauma so sincere, we don't want to hurt others any more. And where you are is serious.
It's obvious that you don't enjoy being who/what you are at the moment. I also get the feeling that you are filled with insecurity and do not have enough confidence for yourself. What I feel that would help tremendously is if you somehow sat for a while and thought about what is truly getting at you that makes you have a lack of self-confidence. Is it the lack of love in your life?
Then you have to figure out what you DO like about yourself. Do you enjoy your photos that you have made? Other art you have spent countless hours making it perfect? Maybe its something else, like a paper or story you wrote. Possibly its an ability you have, such as relating to others, or connecting with people on an emotional level? Do you like the kindness and gentleness you have for others?
I was watching the movie Angel-A a few days ago, and found this scene beautiful. Maybe you might relate with it or enjoy it.
+ Show Spoiler +
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wow that's a really great clip makes me want to watch the movie... T_T
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EPT
