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Tough story to read.
The fact is, you are in a grief phase. You have experienced a very painful loss; a great shock to your life. The mistake is in thinking there is any cure for it. A much greater mistake is trying to forget your pain via drugs and alcohol.
You should be good to yourself. Part of that is realizing that you are in a grieving phase, and that means you have to experience fully your loss, and let the pain subside. Another part of being good to yourself is taking care of your health, staying away from drugs and alcohol. Yet another part is not wildly jumping into shoddy relationships with all kinds of people. Even if you were to find a good person now, it seems likely that you aren't ready for them.
You mentioned, in a dismissive tone, finding all kinds of hobbies and the like. Actually, I think that is a great idea. Exercise, hike, explore, play games, learn new things. You said your life has this big gaping hole left by your ex... Well, a good idea would be to try to fill some of that emptiness with new things. Find friends, do new things, etc. I don't recommend trying to fill the gap with a new woman right away. The pain from the failure of your marriage is still too great, and it sounds like you aren't ready for a fresh start.
I also think it could be good to move somewhere else.
My answer is probably pretty textbook, which is what you wanted to avoid, but I think it would be irresponsible for anyone to tell you that numbing out with drugs and alcohol is at all a good solution, considering such a path is just going to lead to greater psychological and physical damage, and consequently much greater hardship. Chasing all kinds of easy women, alcoholic women, etc, is just going to confuse you and cause you to feel even greater emptiness than you do now, as you gradually lose hope (or have your lack of hope reinforced).
In short, I really do think giving up drugs and alcohol and focusing on building your health and finding new hobbies is part of a great plan to get your life moving in a good direction.
Also, try to see your failed marriage as a painful step on the path to a better life. There are undoubtedly lessons that you have learned and can learn from what has happened thus far that will help you select a better mate, and help you be a better person.
I wish you the best! It's hard now, and probably will be for some time, but the only way through it is right through the middle. Recognize your mourning for what it is, and let it run its course. Meanwhile, take care of yourself and be good to yourself.
InkMeister / Nick
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What city are you in? Is there a significant foreigner population? Do you speak any languages other than English? Do you have any friends in China? How much money do you have saved up? Do you have a job?
I think the ideas presented about women in China in this by Rezo are generally true, but that doesn't make them anything other than stereotypes. You can't classify 600 million people in a few paragraphs. Some women are just what you describe. Others less so in various ways. And the same is true of what Chinese people think of Westerners.
I'm of the opinion that marriage is just a longer relationship. I know it can be a little different, but both my wife and I really had no inclination to get married, if it weren't for US law making it basically impossible for her to live here without us getting married. I completely understand what you were saying though about marriage starting to define you. You start thinking of your whole life in terms of you and your wife. Your thoughts of the future take on those thoughts too, and so do the things you do as part of your everyday routine.
Frankly, like others have said, I don't think you're in any position to look for a girlfriend. And unfortunately China doesn't have a lot of women who just 'want to have fun', though I hear there are more of those in the more international cities. You sound like you need some friends, do you have any inside China?
Like you I'm 28 and I would be completely lost as to who I am if my wife and I were to get divorced. She's been visiting her family for the past few weeks and its difficult for me to be alone for so long, so I can't imagine what you must be feeling.
One thing I do when I'm feeling down is I go for a walk in the city. Sometimes all I really want is to be absolutely exhausted so I can go to sleep peacefully and just not think about things so much anymore. Luckily, I live in New York so there's plenty of walking to be done once I build up the motivation to actually do it. I suggest you do something similar. Find something you can lose yourself in for a while. It doesn't really matter what it is so long as you can focus on it and see some progress. Set some goals and then accomplish them.
Recently I decided to learn to make some Thai curry, since I really like it. So I decided to do the following things:
"Walk around Chinatown"
"Get something to eat"
"Find a Thai Grocery store"
"Buy things to make curry"
"Make Curry"
Those are all simple things and easy to accomplish, but the point was that I had nothing to do that day and those are all things I've wanted to do for some time. So I did them all. And while doing them I had some small opportunity to ignore my loneliness. So give that a try, find something small you've been wanting to do and actually do it.
Edit: If you're thinking of moving. What do you want from where you move to? Bigger/Smaller city? Weather difference? Cultural difference? etc.
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Thanks again for the replies. I hope I didn't "argue back" too much. Of course I'm a little moody and who knows when I'll get on the internet. Everything people are telling me is good advice in general, and there's just no way for me to tell you everything I've already heard/thought or really give you a 100% accurate idea of where I'm at in my "grieving" etc. Everybody here might be 100% right, 90% right, etc. And if less than that, it's only because the communication has been pretty approximate on both sides, so I really am just grateful for everybody's participation, and I apologize if I gave anyone any different impression.
I feel like after 6 months of this I've seen where I'm at change significantly, a number of times. As far as "getting back to being the way I was before her", I agree that's impossible, and stupid. Being married for 7 years changes what you expect, what you are accustomed to, what you want, etc. And of course every marriage was different. I'm not saying mine was healthy or good in every way, just that it was really deep emotionally. I honestly feel like if she had died tragically I would have had an easier time dealing with it, than to know she's right there, going her separate business. That drove me nuts for a while, but this past month or so I've really seen it subside a lot.
As far as hobbies goes, I've been dismissive about them my whole life... I don't get it, never will. If they aren't fun, they aren't fun. I like talking with people, and some drinks or w/e can increase the fun occasionally. I also like flirting, and I like some girls, being nice to them, having them be nice to me, etc. With the rest of my time, I either rest, or study things, but only in the amounts that I can take (per day). I'd love to add some more physical things to that, and maybe I will. One of the girls wants to play basketball with me, also go travel with me for a day (somewhere cheap, don't worry, I've been in China almost 2 years, and I've put more effort into understanding it than a lot of these expats--not saying I'm an expert, just saying don't assume the most basic level of naivete).
When I think about whether I'm ready for a relationship (or whether it will be good for me), I think it has to be more complicated than simply saying I'm not, because it's too soon, or I'm not good enough on my own yet. I wanna know what's going to be the problem. Why can't a good relationship just start. You may think it's unlikely, and be right, but aren't most relationships that way anyways? Is it really my situation dragging down the odds, and if so, is the drag even significant? If you were single what's the chance you start a great relationship via any given attempt? 10%? 5%? Whatever it is, so maybe mine is 1%? or 3%? idk, just speculating, maybe you can see what I mean.
I know I've been figuring this out really slowly in these 6 months, and I'm not done yet, but I do think I've made improvements as far as getting past the "just wanting another relationship" stage. That kind of pattern has led to me to girls I actually wasn't interested in. But the other ones, where the real feelings are, I think one of those could be really nice and innocent, and all the "serious" parts that come along with it wouldn't even be a big deal for me. I know i'm not the best match for many girls, but that's not because of a phase I'm going through. I don't expect this to change significantly, so really if I find a girl for me now, I see that as being as good a shot as it will be later. So why waste time, and miss opportunities. If there's a great girl in front of me, I shouldn't just turn away and be like, oh, I'm not ready. Time to hobby up and get healthy, stay in school and don't do drugs Mr. T style.
/rant aborted, length reasonability exceeded
edit: oh and moving to a different city would just let me not run into my ex or have that be so possible, also the relationships and friendships I started out during my early grieving phase could be more put behind me. kind of reset/throw away the mess i've made here. i thnk i'd rather stay in this city though, but those would be some "temporary" assistances (potentially). i could just become more forced to truly start as an individual, for myself, etc. and not have everyone view me as this grieving guy who got fucked over.
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Just regarding that girl you were married to...I am sorry that you did not find out sooner about what a douche she is but at least you found out and now know what kind of person she is. Better late then never.
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This last post of yours sound better to my ears, less whine and actually a step into the right direction.
I would like just to say again you may want to think a bit less about girls for the time being, give you a few months to recover, see more clearly what you want in this area too and resume when you feel like it.
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I would say the problem with starting another relationship so soon is that you're kind of starting it on false pretenses. Right now you're probably lonely and willing to compromise on a lot of things because of it. I know I would be lonely in your circumstances. So, if you begin a new relationship the issue is that you may start the relationship more because you want someone than because you want that specific person.
Without some time to yourself and some time to get over things (6 months is a good start!) you really aren't in a good position to even decide what you want. Maybe right now the most important thing to you is to find someone you're absolutely sure won't ever cheat on you or leave you. And who could blame you for feeling that way? But in the end finding someone loyal won't lead to a good relationship if you later realize you don't really like that person. Just an example, but that's the thought process behind it.
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Cauld, that's def the danger, and I'm learning by trial and error how to deal with this. I think I see my interest in girls evaporate really quickly, so while I get these false starts looking for something, it does seem to click that oh, I don't actually want her, I was just trying too hard. I think I am starting to see the difference between the girl(s) that actually interest me, and the ones where I'm just looking for something, compromising, etc.
Another question though is, when exactly am I supposed to get "unlonely" enough to start a relationship? I was pretty lonely when I met my (now) ex-wife. So how exactly do I get to a state of mind where I can want to be in a relationship without it being biased by... the desire to be in a relationship? Or if I could do that, why even have a relationship? This seems like a kind of paradox.
And I do compare girls to my ex-wife, but it's not just about whether they will leave me. It's more like, why didn't me and my ex-wife work as well as we wanted to begin with. I am sometimes on good terms with her still, and we both kind of feel the same way, that while we were/are kind of these weird soulmates in a lot of ways, it just seems too obvious that both of us could be much happier with other people. Lots of people respectively are just innately happier for each of us to be around, and able to share the kinds of activities/lives we want (respectively), but with my ex, we are only good when we're by ourselves. It's like we wouldn't date, but we can be married. Plenty of guys fit her better than that, and that should make her happier, and it's the same with me. I've met girls who I can go shopping with, or go to a party with, without feeling tortured by the experience, and yeah my ex is not one of them. Just some examples oof the little things that don't add up.
I met a Chinese girl that just made me ridiculously happy to be around, for no apparent reason. She saw me as this great guy, because somehow she made me that way. And even though it didn't work out, because she had to marry this Chinese guy, it made me realize, I should want something closer to that... that would have been much better than my ex. I need to hold out for someone that is a little innately happier for me, because they are out there. I'm not shitty around everybody, just a lot of people.
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Gonna bump this with a link to more details from another thread: http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/viewpost.php?post_id=7232807
Last nite an old coke whore told me she really wants to help me break my addiction, she'll talk to me any time, hang out with me just help me not use any more.  i should be the one offering her help, not the other way around. so nice to me, really wish she didnt work 6 nights a week, with a kid in another town, ex husband, and cant live in that town cuz her heart is broken by a foreigner boyfriend there. ugh. i dont even know if i'm addicted, mayb i just bored. i mean, if you have nothing you want to do, then u gonna do the only things you remember liking, or the only things with the possibility of shaking things up, or being fun. i think mayb that's pre-addiction. it's like, i don't drink every day do i. anyways... gonna finally try going out with this girl i been avoiding.
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EPT
