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For starters, I can't even tell which prompt you are answering. You start with the paragraph about glasses, to descriptions of social awkwardness, to the violin part. With a charitable reading, I can sort of tell where you're going with this, but its generally not a good idea to assume you'll get the benefit of the doubt.
Alright, I'll try to organize the rest of my thoughts:
-The self-pity radiates quite clearly through your words--I count a total of 7 sentences that basically bemoan your current or past condition. As it is, that's a bad thing, except the silver lining is that you can communicate some sort of authenticity with your words. I'm not sure how to change this--if you read your own piece honestly I hope you will see this, and change this.
-Statements like this seem quite forced and out-of-place:
I could taste the bitterness of busy work in biology, the warm feeling of a real conversation, and the sound of music. The enveloping darkness didn’t feel like darkness anymore; it was more like a vivid dream than a nightmare.
I can imagine a reader responding to this with an emphatic "wat?". Seeing as these sentences advance no particular point, it seems almost as you're trying to pull a fast one with pretty language. Don't do it!
You're trying to convey that your temporary isolation from others in your class helped you to understand the difficulties/essence of your other studies (that's my reading of it, at least). Try to be concise here. There is no reason to go post-modernist, or Edgar Allen Poe--this isn't an imagery competition.
-The third paragraph. I like this, and it convinces me that you've got something good to work with here. I guess you could play prompt #2 into an essay about how your glasses/social difficulties helped you understand music, your studies, etc. A bit of a stretch, for sure, but I'm sure everyone sprinkles a little bit of BS into their essay.
-A bit of personal opinion ahead. I personally think that the semicolon is one resort of the lazy writer. The semicolon is very 'indecisive'--either decide that your two sentences are different enough to warrant their own idea, or that they are similar and can be combined into a concise single sentence. By no means is this an iron rule--just something to consider.
-Senior year was a rude awakening, much like how I have to wake up at 6 in the morning to go to 0 period every day.
That analogy reads like a bad joke on paper. Sorry sir, just calling them as I see em.
-I instantly improved my tone and my work habits, jumping from second to last stand in the second violins the year before to 3rd stand in the firsts.
I don't think jumping is the right word here, maybe a milder term like "improvement" is more suitable here? Improvement has a more positive connotation too.
-Middle school was a terrible experience for me; not only was I trapped in the darkness of my own creation, but I never even put forth the effort to bumble around and find a light switch.
Self-pity alert in the first part of the sentence. Also "darkness of [your] own creation" sounds way too forced. But the idea is good.
That said, good luck. It takes a brave person to post their writing publically for sure. I hope this was helpful.
More to come later. I guess I'm restoring the karmic balance for never having to write these terribly prompted essays (hello, affirmative action magnet).
EDIT (#1?):
The fact that you consider any of that significant compared to the thousands of kids that will be writing essays about their dead father who fought off an alien invasion so that their child could go to this particular school-- despite the extra limb, gimp hand, and irrational love for British poets-- shows that you really haven't been taught about what a college essay is.
**Whiteknight mode activate**
Its not like the population of ~good schools~ (as the Asian term goes) isn't full of extremely mediocre students.
So, no, not all of them will:
-Have 30 extracurricular activities and be president of all the clubs.
-Volunteer 200 hours a week.
-Come from an abusive home of crack addicts and alcoholics, only to graduate high school while working two part-time jobs to feed themselves and their family.
-Be African-American.
-Play football well.
etc.
So in response to:
You have to make yourself stand out.
Whatever you do, don't sacrifice your credibility to elevate yourself to ridiculously heights in the mind of the reader. Chances are you'll lose both.
Moving on.
The word facade in second sentence is redundant and awkward. Definitely ditch the amazing grace part. Sorry to be so critical. Turn it more into about discovering your self respect instead of ruminating on how much of a loser you were (you really paint yourself as one and that's not helpful).
Quoting for emphasis. Seeing as your life experience doesn't meet the aforementioned criteria, the best you can do is show how awesome you are.
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On October 21 2010 13:04 bbq ftw wrote:For starters, I can't even tell which prompt you are answering. You start with the paragraph about glasses, to descriptions of social awkwardness, to the violin part. With a charitable reading, I can sort of tell where you're going with this, but its generally not a good idea to assume you'll get the benefit of the doubt. Alright, I'll try to organize the rest of my thoughts: -The self-pity radiates quite clearly through your words--I count a total of 7 sentences that basically bemoan your current or past condition. As it is, that's a bad thing, except the silver lining is that you can communicate some sort of authenticity with your words. I'm not sure how to change this--if you read your own piece honestly I hope you will see this, and change this. -Statements like this seem quite forced and out-of-place: Show nested quote +I could taste the bitterness of busy work in biology, the warm feeling of a real conversation, and the sound of music. The enveloping darkness didn’t feel like darkness anymore; it was more like a vivid dream than a nightmare. I can imagine a reader responding to this with an emphatic "wat?". Seeing as these sentences advance no particular point, it seems almost as you're trying to pull a fast one with pretty language. Don't do it! You're trying to convey that your temporary isolation from others in your class helped you to understand the difficulties/essence of your other studies (that's my reading of it, at least). Try to be concise here. There is no reason to go post-modernist, or Edgar Allen Poe--this isn't an imagery competition. -The third paragraph. I like this, and it convinces me that you've got something good to work with here. I guess you could play prompt #2 into an essay about how your glasses/social difficulties helped you understand music, your studies, etc. A bit of a stretch, for sure, but I'm sure everyone sprinkles a little bit of BS into their essay. -A bit of personal opinion ahead. I personally think that the semicolon is one resort of the lazy writer. The semicolon is very 'indecisive'--either decide that your two sentences are different enough to warrant their own idea, or that they are similar and can be combined into a concise single sentence. By no means is this an iron rule--just something to consider. - Show nested quote +Senior year was a rude awakening, much like how I have to wake up at 6 in the morning to go to 0 period every day. That analogy reads like a bad joke on paper. Sorry sir, just calling them as I see em. - Show nested quote +I instantly improved my tone and my work habits, jumping from second to last stand in the second violins the year before to 3rd stand in the firsts. I don't think jumping is the right word here, maybe a milder term like "improvement" is more suitable here? Improvement has a more positive connotation too. - Show nested quote +Middle school was a terrible experience for me; not only was I trapped in the darkness of my own creation, but I never even put forth the effort to bumble around and find a light switch. Self-pity alert in the first part of the sentence. Also "darkness of [your] own creation" sounds way too forced. But the idea is good. That said, good luck. It takes a brave person to post their writing publically for sure. I hope this was helpful. More to come later. I guess I'm restoring the karmic balance for never having to write these terribly prompted essays (hello, affirmative action magnet).
Most helpful post by far. Thanks for putting your reasons!
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I don't have much time to give constructive criticisms, but I didn't like it. It kind of made me feel sad while/after reading it, and that's not a good thing.
Where are you sending your applications btw?
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Sorry, but I agree with the above comment about removing the amazing grace quote. Also, I feel like your ratio of how bad you used to be : how good you are now is too high; given the extremely limited space you have, I think you should take out the part about the glasses, and definitely fluff out the part about how much you've grown. Yes, the essay is supposed to show who you are. However, if who you are is an antisocial nerd who will not contribute to the culture of the school, then you should lie.
Also, I think you need to narrow down the topic of your essay. An essay is defined as a story with a point. What you have here is an extremely abridged biography. It would be better to highlight one specific scenario; for example, the first time you fought a bully, the first time you asked out a girl, the first time you helped someone who truly needed you, or the first time you realized you had a close friend. Tell the story (using sexy adjectives and similes) and then show who you are through your reactions to that scenario. Show that you are human. Show that specific moment when you grew. Show that you would be a cool guy to have around. Use every detail that you bring up. If you're going to bring up the fact that you used to be an antisocial nerd, then you have to explain how those experiences helped you grow into the total bawse that you are today. If you bring up music, talk about that one time music saved your life, etc. GL, and once you finish applying, cut some classes and hang out with your friends. When high school is over, that'll be what you regret the most.
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Yeah... I'd say scrap this essay. I was kind of like you when I was writing my essays, pretty bland life and ect. I wrote quirky essays, tried to present a unique pov. Just my two cents but Tell us about a personal quality is where I'd start
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On October 21 2010 13:10 Cambium wrote:
I don't have much time to give constructive criticisms, but I didn't like it. It kind of made me feel sad while/after reading it, and that's not a good thing.
Where are you sending your applications btw?
This essays for the UC system. I'm also making a USC essay, but that one is not as important as the one I'm sending to the UCs.
I'ma change the tone of the essay due to all these comments about the self-pity lol. I honestly didn't know it came off that way; it just seemed really natural after the first paragraph...
On October 21 2010 13:15 n.DieJokes wrote:
Yeah... I'd say scrap this essay. I was kind of like you when I was writing my essays, pretty bland life and ect. I wrote quirky essays, tried to present a unique pov. Just my two cents but Tell us about a personal quality is where I'd start
Lol yea...this sucks i'm a generic asian kid T_T
On October 21 2010 13:15 DSun wrote:
Sorry, but I agree with the above comment about removing the amazing grace quote. Also, I feel like your ratio of how bad you used to be : how good you are now is too high; given the extremely limited space you have, I think you should take out the part about the glasses, and definitely fluff out the part about how much you've grown. Yes, the essay is supposed to show who you are. However, if who you are is an antisocial nerd who will not contribute to the culture of the school, then you should lie.
Also, I think you need to narrow down the topic of your essay. An essay is defined as a story with a point. What you have here is an extremely abridged biography. It would be better to highlight one specific scenario; for example, the first time you fought a bully, the first time you asked out a girl, the first time you helped someone who truly needed you, or the first time you realized you had a close friend. Tell the story (using sexy adjectives and similes) and then show who you are through your reactions to that scenario. Show that you are human. Show that specific moment when you grew. Show that you would be a cool guy to have around. Use every detail that you bring up. If you're going to bring up the fact that you used to be an antisocial nerd, then you have to explain how those experiences helped you grow into the total bawse that you are today. If you bring up music, talk about that one time music saved your life, etc. GL, and once you finish applying, cut some classes and hang out with your friends. When high school is over, that'll be what you regret the most.
Oki doke. Basically a summary of what everyone else is saying
So far, I gotta change the tone and the topic of the essay..I was expecting a lot worse lol
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wait, are you medically blind?
because if you are, you have so much potential for a spectacular essay
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On October 21 2010 12:51 Ndugu wrote:
You have to make yourself stand out. What this essay does is paint you as the most generic person ever with the most generic set of problems imaginable. If a college is deciding between you and someone with similar grades and that person writes an essay that actually makes it seem like they will contribute to the social and cultural life of that college, you're done for.
In general, you want to avoid the pity essay altogether if you can.
Yeah, this. Sorry. You can definitely make good things happen with the whole "my passion for music paints the world in a brand new light" deal, but good things are not currently happening. Basically all your essay says is that you're not terribly social, but have recently gotten serious about the violin. Good for you? Not only does this make you seem fairly one-dimensional (which is more or less the opposite of your goal here), the language seems very forced (e.g. "face and facade", "darkness of my own creation", "embracing reality for the first time in 17 years" -- what are you, a locust?). The giant senses extended metaphor? Okay, I get it, but it's really awkward, and just comes across as an excuse for needlessly flowery diction, rather than something clever that ties the piece together, as you intended. Girls as a foreign species and your alarm clock as rude? Don't hold your breath waiting for an admissions committee to find this funny.
If you want to write about music, START this essay when you started getting really good, NOT when you were in middle school. These people have to read hundreds and thousands of essays, most of them utterly generic crap, and they really just do not care that people laughed at you when you were little. Is there one particular piece that you find particularly invigorating to play? Take your senses metaphor in that direction, perhaps. Take the reader on a whirlwind tour through the highs and lows of the piece as you see them, perhaps in parallel with some sort of exposition of what you want out of life. That sort of thing. ALSO -- what prompt is this even supposed to be for? I would assume the second one, as this has absolutely nothing to do with how your world has been shaped by the things around you, but you've also said absolutely nothing about why this "makes you proud", and relatively little about how it relates to the person you are. Do those things.
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CA10828 Posts
i was going to help you but then i read this
On October 21 2010 13:16 imBLIND wrote:
This essays for the UC system. I'm also making a USC essay, but that one is not as important as the one I'm sending to the UCs.
-_________-;;;;
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On October 21 2010 13:26 LosingID8 wrote:i was going to help you but then i read this Show nested quote +On October 21 2010 13:16 imBLIND wrote:
This essays for the UC system. I'm also making a USC essay, but that one is not as important as the one I'm sending to the UCs. -_________-;;;;
LOL...ooooopsss
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On October 21 2010 13:26 LosingID8 wrote:i was going to help you but then i read this Show nested quote +On October 21 2010 13:16 imBLIND wrote:
This essays for the UC system. I'm also making a USC essay, but that one is not as important as the one I'm sending to the UCs. -_________-;;;;
Well seeing as you don't even have a good football team this year, I can see his point.
As to all the people saying "your life is generic!" well, that may be true, but you can only help yourself with a well-written essay. Again, there are no rhetorical tricks that can conjure up interesting life experiences (well, besides paging Jayson Blair), so I'm not sure why they think mentioning this is relevant.
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CA10828 Posts
our team is actually pretty good fyi
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I can't hear you over the sound of your defense collapsing under the awesomeness of Andrew Luck.
(Sorry about the derail, but I must defend the honour of my statements)
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Dude, you need to paint yourself in a good light. You basically just talk about how crappy your life is. Why would they want to bring you to your school? Don't aim for honesty, just make yourself look good. Talk about your passion for music, or interest in poetry. Make yourself sound like an intelligent, interesting kid who works hard, or something.
I remember the dude who critiqued my essay would change words like "difficult" to "challenging" as "challenging" had a more positive ring to it.
In mine, I talked about my imagination as a child, my love of reading and learning, and how building a website for a high school poker league got me into computer science, and I got into all of the schools I applied to (then again, I also went to a CC first).
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Since I told you to scrap this, I figured I'd try and help present an alternative.
I'll describe my essay to you, as an example of an essay a somewhat generic person can write to get into college. Not that I'm generic, and I actually could have written quite the baller pity essay. But it was either pity essay, or pull something fairly crazy.
I started my essay off with something along the lines of "Brontosaurus. I still have trouble restraining myself when I hear someone misname this magnificent sauropod." (It's real name is Apatosaurus, in case you're a fucking n00b)
"Brontosaurus." as my first sentence caught the attention of whoever just got finished reading twelve essays about how bad being a middle-class teenager is.
I then went on to talk about how much I fucking loved dinosaurs when I was a kid. So much so that when I was 5 and I heard about there being a book version of Jurassic Park (<3 Michael Chrichton), I decided I would read it. My parents told me it was too hard, but I told them to fuck off. I sat down with a dictionary and worked my way through the book cover to cover, barely understanding one word in seven without the dictionary's help.
I then concluded on some happy note about how happy I was when I finished reading Jurassic Park, how much better it was-- even better than the movie! This desire to learn and read has never left me... yadayada.  It painted a picture of mas a) A cute five year old, bonus points b) someone who's hard working and doesn't give up. Make sure you have a subliminal message in your essay that you kick ass. Overall it had a really upbeat, positive, happy, successful tone. Imagine your job is to read these pieces of shit all day and night.
For the record, I got into a college that I had absolutely no right to. I didn't send in a sheet with my extracurricular activities because it would have been less impressive than nothing at all. I only sent one recommendation. I'm pretty sure someone liked my essay :D
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On October 21 2010 12:53 imBLIND wrote:Show nested quote +On October 21 2010 12:50 omahahowitzer wrote:
My college counselor says UC essay wants you to be a douchebag and flaunt your accomplishments in whatever activity you are into. This essay seems to talk too much about how bad things were and doesn't highlight a specific aspect of your high school experience. ...? Thats what transcripts are for....essays show who you are, not what you do.
I'm telling it like it is... This is coming from a school where we have to attend mandatory college counseling classes once a week, and all the counselors have worked as admissions officers.
Of course it should show who you are, but isn't what you do and what you accomplish part of who you are..?
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1. It's too general, it's just an overview of your life, in a very boring way for your, as you suggest, boring life. Use specific points in your life, specific people, specific events that changed you.
2. You use motifs, but the essay won't be long enough for them to have any deep rooted impact.
3. I'm guessing you're answering prompt 1. Notice that I use the word guessing. Read the prompt.
Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
You did little to describe your family, other than relying on a boring stereotype, or your community/school, which you basically gave no insight about your thoughts, other than you were borderline depressed and a loner, which may seem impossible to provide any interesting commentary, but I, as one who enjoys my solitude, can provide a lot of interesting commentary about my surroundings despite not being particularly popular. Those are just the basics examples, you need more to describe. You also did not connect any of those previously mentioned things with your dreams and aspirations.
4. It's too "beggy", the essay sounds desperate, and you sound spineless and still lost. It's too vague to show any real changes that happened in your life.You basically said "I was a nerd, now I'm happy + some motif about darkness and light" except you used, as I'm estimating, 200 extra words to say. No change is shown, and as I read it, I feel that you haven't really changed at all.
I just read that it's for the UCs. This probably describes the lives for a significant portion of the applicants there. Unfortunately, honesty is not very welcomed when in comes to describing life in an Asian household.
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I'm not going to review this particular essay if you have already decided to scrap it. I would be more than happy, however, to review and proofread your next attempt, but I'm going to need to know which prompt you're responding to and what UC expects your wordcount to be.
In the meanwhile, as you're rewriting, keep the following in mind:
1) Make sure that you respond to the prompt. Academic writing typically requires a thesis, especially at the undergraduate level. UC has worded these prompts to assess your ability to write one.
That means, in the case of prompt 1, you'll need to explain the way in which your upbringing shaped your aspirations in life. You won't need to ramble on about various aspects of your childhood and various goals you might be considering. You should produce one answer. You should shape your recollections and your self-reflections to flesh out and substantiate that answer.
That means, in the case of prompt 2, you'll need to focus on one talent/accomplishment/experience/whatever. You'll need to give that one talent/accomplishment/experience/whatever a thorough treatment, explaining both why it makes you feel fuzzy inside and what it says about you as an individual.
Thesis, thesis, thesis. Don't ramble. Make your one point, as clearly and as sincerely as you can. And, on that note. . .
2) Write on something about which you actually give a shit. It's hard to do, I know. But I speak from experience when I say that the topics that generally make it into a college application essay (lessons learned from a life of rich cultural diversity, spiritual strength gained from overcoming adversity, poor old grandpa dying without ever going to college or seeing Paris--all that horseshit) make the person evaluating those essays (oftentimes just a hapless grad student) want to hang him or herself by about fifteen minutes into the workday. The topics that you think would be good for an application essay--they're actually like little spikes of pure, crystallized tedium that you're jamming into the eyes of your grader. Spare your grader. For the love of God, spare your grader.
Pick something that interests you and write about it as straightforwardly as you can. Bottom line is if you don't care about your final product, the individual reading it for UC sure as hell won't.
Here's a post from a previous thread on college essays that you might check out. Wrote this shit a while ago so I like to think that I have sophisticated my understanding of writing in the interim, but it'll definitely sort you out for the task at hand:
http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/viewmessage.php?topic_id=32579#14
Anyway, go back to the old drawing board and write us up something to workshop.
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EPT![[image loading]](http://img34.imageshack.us/img34/5228/smugface.gif)
