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I haven't gotten any useful feedback from my english teachers cause they're plagued with essays, teacher recs, and the stuff they gotta do in class.
You guys mind taking a peep? It's the UC prompt btw.
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Prompt #1 (freshman applicants)
Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Prompt #2 (all applicants)
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
__________________________________________________
The day I got my first pair of glasses was my absolute worst. People couldn’t stop laughing at a short, scrawny, Asian kid with glasses in the hallways; I can still remember every detail of every finger, face, and facade of every person that laughed at me. These glasses cursed me with an awkward social life and tan lines, but I was still blind to the world around me and the sliding glass doors that I never saw. It wasn’t until my junior year of high school that I could see and understand the world that I have lived in for 17 years.
I never cared much to leave the house because my parents refused to let me out of the house in the first place. I never cared much about friends because I had no real friends. I never cared about anything because couldn’t see the value of hard work and dedication. Middle school was a terrible experience for me; not only was I trapped in the darkness of my own creation, but I never even put forth the effort to bumble around and find a light switch.
I started moving around to find that light switch my freshman year of high school, with little success. I started using my sight, but to no avail. I tried my best to blend in, to be funny, to socialize with the people around me, but it didn’t feel right. I would end up retreating to the comforts of my video games and my books, only reaching out to people that needed help on their homework. It was this same year, however, that I started using my other senses to find my way around. I could taste the bitterness of busy work in biology, the warm feeling of a real conversation, and the sound of music. The enveloping darkness didn’t feel like darkness anymore; it was more like a vivid dream than a nightmare.
Junior year was when I started waking up. I’ve played my violin since I turned 5 years old, but I’ve only been a musician for 2 years. I only played notes, rhythms, and dynamics until I realized that music was beyond the notes on the page. I started using my heart, my soul to express myself in music. I instantly improved my tone and my work habits, jumping from second to last stand in the second violins the year before to 3rd stand in the firsts. I even reached out to my friends and interacted with the foreign specie known to geeks and nerds as “girl”.
Senior year was a rude awakening, much like how I have to wake up at 6 in the morning to go to 0 period every day. I finally realized how many friends I’ve made over the years, even though they were nothing more than shadows a few years ago. I uncovered a hidden passion in my life that previously felt like a burden. I’ve finally woken up from my deep slumber, finally embracing reality for the first time in 17 years. “Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now am found, was blind but now I see.”
 
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Um..how do I say this..
The way you wrote your paper asks for way too much self-pity. The way you ended it is about as cliche as you can get, and constantly stabbing the reader with the fact that you are a nerdy-asian who is stereotypically [ not by choice ] bad with girls, introverted, and playing the violin does not help at all.
Sorry if it is harsh but you should try to re-write this without any of those things. I've helped a lot of people with their essays and they seem to be happy. You can take this advice or not, just trying to provide feedback as you asked.
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Papua New Guinea152 Posts
its ok i guess
btw your id "imBLIND" implies u still cant see the light...
just throwing that out there...
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Well I'm trying to show that I've gone through a lot of crap, starting with barely anything and ending up with a lot...
I debated writing about how music affected my life, but that essay didn't go so well.
I tried writing about how I try to be a normal kid raised by extreme parents, but that's even more cliche
I know my essay is missing something...but do I really have to scrap everything?
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I got this from a flyer:
Don't
-Use a dry, uncreative title. This signals to the readers that they're in for an equally boring essay.
-Tell your readers about your experience. That ensures an immediate loss of interest.
-Stretch beyond your normal vocabulary. An admission board will be able to tell right away if you're using "five-dollar words" unnecessarily.
- Skimp on editing. Even small grammatical errors can give admission reps the wrong idea about your commitment to academics.
-Describe the experiences of another person. This does little to showcase your own experiences and accomplishments.
-Give readers a boring laundry list of accomplishments - there is a place for this information elsewhere in the application materials.
-Speak in vague terms and generalities
-Fell like you have to take the "standard" approach to essay writing - introduction, supporting points, conclusion.
gl
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On October 21 2010 12:28 TitleRug wrote:
I got this from a flyer:
Don't
-Use a dry, uncreative title. This signals to the readers that they're in for an equally boring essay.
-Tell your readers about your experience. That ensures an immediate loss of interest.
-Stretch beyond your normal vocabulary. An admission board will be able to tell right away if you're using "five-dollar words" unnecessarily.
- Skimp on editing. Even small grammatical errors can give admission reps the wrong idea about your commitment to academics.
-Describe the experiences of another person. This does little to showcase your own experiences and accomplishments.
-Give readers a boring laundry list of accomplishments - there is a place for this information elsewhere in the application materials.
-Speak in vague terms and generalities
-Fell like you have to take the "standard" approach to essay writing - introduction, supporting points, conclusion.
gl
uhh...i wrote my essay with those thoughts in mind, except for the editing part, which im doing right now.
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On October 21 2010 12:30 imBLIND wrote:Show nested quote +On October 21 2010 12:28 TitleRug wrote:
I got this from a flyer:
Don't
-Use a dry, uncreative title. This signals to the readers that they're in for an equally boring essay.
-Tell your readers about your experience. That ensures an immediate loss of interest.
-Stretch beyond your normal vocabulary. An admission board will be able to tell right away if you're using "five-dollar words" unnecessarily.
- Skimp on editing. Even small grammatical errors can give admission reps the wrong idea about your commitment to academics.
-Describe the experiences of another person. This does little to showcase your own experiences and accomplishments.
-Give readers a boring laundry list of accomplishments - there is a place for this information elsewhere in the application materials.
-Speak in vague terms and generalities
-Fell like you have to take the "standard" approach to essay writing - introduction, supporting points, conclusion.
gl uhh...i wrote my essay with those thoughts in mind, except for the editing part, which im doing right now.
ok, just in case. it's a decent essay so far.
edit: another thing
- numbers generally are spelled out
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This will sound odd, but how honest would you like the feedback?
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On October 21 2010 12:32 Volshok wrote:
This will sound odd, but how honest would you like the feedback?
rip it apart. i need a good essay
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I feel confused about which prompt you're addressing. First paragraph feels like you're addressing the community prompt which is the 1st one, up until you started mentioning your musical inspiration/talent which is the 2nd prompt.
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On October 21 2010 12:39 iKill[ShocK] wrote:
I feel confused about which prompt you're addressing. First paragraph feels like you're addressing the community prompt which is the 1st one, up until you started mentioning your musical inspiration/talent which is the 2nd prompt.
I'm addressing both of them. My english teacher said I could address the one required for freshman undergrads or both that prompt and the one for all applicants
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On October 21 2010 12:41 imBLIND wrote:Show nested quote +On October 21 2010 12:39 iKill[ShocK] wrote:
I feel confused about which prompt you're addressing. First paragraph feels like you're addressing the community prompt which is the 1st one, up until you started mentioning your musical inspiration/talent which is the 2nd prompt. I'm addressing both of them. My english teacher said I could address the one required for freshman undergrads or both that prompt and the one for all applicants
Are you sure you can do that? My teacher said to pick and choose one that you feel will give you the best essay. (i'm also applying to U.C)
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On October 21 2010 12:44 iKill[ShocK] wrote:Show nested quote +On October 21 2010 12:41 imBLIND wrote:On October 21 2010 12:39 iKill[ShocK] wrote:
I feel confused about which prompt you're addressing. First paragraph feels like you're addressing the community prompt which is the 1st one, up until you started mentioning your musical inspiration/talent which is the 2nd prompt. I'm addressing both of them. My english teacher said I could address the one required for freshman undergrads or both that prompt and the one for all applicants Are you sure you can do that? My teacher said to pick and choose one that you feel will give you the best essay. (i'm also applying to U.C)
The part I left out on my teacher's website :
"
-Respond to both prompts, using a maximum of 1,000 words total.
-You may allocate the word count as you wish. If you choose to respond to one prompt at greater length, we suggest your shorter answer be no less than 250 words.
-Stay within the word limit as closely as you can. A little over — 1,012 words, for example — is fine.
"
either or =p
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My college counselor says UC essay wants you to be a douchebag and flaunt your accomplishments in whatever activity you are into. This essay seems to talk too much about how bad things were and doesn't highlight a specific aspect of your high school experience.
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This is gonna be mean. I'm sorry.
Scrap this essay completely. The fact that you consider any of that significant compared to the thousands of kids that will be writing essays about their dead father who fought off an alien invasion so that their child could go to this particular school-- despite the extra limb, gimp hand, and irrational love for British poets-- shows that you really haven't been taught about what a college essay is.
You have to make yourself stand out. What this essay does is paint you as the most generic person ever with the most generic set of problems imaginable. If a college is deciding between you and someone with similar grades and that person writes an essay that actually makes it seem like they will contribute to the social and cultural life of that college, you're done for.
In general, you want to avoid the pity essay altogether if you can.
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uh don't you need to write two essays, one for each prompt?
Directions
All applicants must respond to two essay prompts — the general prompt and either the freshman or transfer prompt, depending on your status.
Responses to your two prompts must be a maximum of 1,000 words total.
Allocate the word count as you wish. If you choose to respond to one prompt at greater length, we suggest your shorter answer be no less than 250 words.
From:
http://www.universityofcalifornia.edu/admissions/how-to-apply/personal-statement/index.html
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On October 21 2010 12:50 omahahowitzer wrote:
My college counselor says UC essay wants you to be a douchebag and flaunt your accomplishments in whatever activity you are into. This essay seems to talk too much about how bad things were and doesn't highlight a specific aspect of your high school experience.
...? Thats what transcripts are for....essays show who you are, not what you do.
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It's way too negative. Stuff like "absolute worst" "parents never let me" "never cared about anything" just makes it sound like you're harboring a grudge. Even if your experience was very shit, you have to turn it into positive for essay. I would get rid of flourishes like "enveloping darkness", "darkness of my own creation" and "taste the bitterness of busy work". Just write as you would talk. The strong part I felt was the music. Focus on how it changed you for the better and made you taste pride and success.
The word facade in second sentence is redundant and awkward. Definitely ditch the amazing grace part. Sorry to be so critical. Turn it more into about discovering your self respect instead of ruminating on how much of a loser you were (you really paint yourself as one and that's not helpful).
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On October 21 2010 12:51 Ndugu wrote:
This is gonna be mean. I'm sorry.
Scrap this essay completely. The fact that you consider any of that significant compared to the thousands of kids that will be writing essays about their dead father who fought off an alien invasion so that their child could go to this particular school-- despite the extra limb, gimp hand, and irrational love for British poets-- shows that you really haven't been taught about what a college essay is.
You have to make yourself stand out. What this essay does is paint you as the most generic person ever with the most generic set of problems imaginable. If a college is deciding between you and someone with similar grades and that person writes an essay that actually makes it seem like they will contribute to the social and cultural life of that college, you're done for.
In general, you want to avoid the pity essay altogether if you can.
I can't think of other topics that have had a significant affect on me...
Music = very generic
Asian parents = even more generic
Crappy social life = not as generic
Clubs/grades = extremely generic
..so i chose the least generic one out of all of them.
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On October 21 2010 12:58 Mothra wrote:
It's way too negative. Stuff like "absolute worst" "parents never let me" "never cared about anything" just makes it sound like you're harboring a grudge. Even if your experience was very shit, you have to turn it into positive for essay. I would get rid of flourishes like "enveloping darkness", "darkness of my own creation" and "taste the bitterness of busy work". Just write as you would talk. The strong part I felt was the music. Focus on how it changed you for the better and made you taste pride and success.
The word facade in second sentence is redundant and awkward. Definitely ditch the amazing grace part. Sorry to be so critical. Turn it more into about discovering your self respect instead of ruminating on how much of a loser you were (you really paint yourself as one and that's not helpful).
Don't be sorry for being so mean lol. I appreciate the comments and I'll try to fix this in a revision (or a totally different essay)
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WCS
