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I'm in tears right now. Fuck, no matter how manly I like to think I am, I admit it.
My university requires its students to take a writing test called the Writing Proficiency Exam (WPE) which is a mandatory test required for graduation, regardless of one's major.
I took the test late May and just got my grade back: I didn't pass it.
The worst thing is that I was asked to write about computers, which is my field of study (Computer Science major). To me that was a piece of cake and I was the first guy to leave the room that day, with five pages worth of my mind to turn in.
This is what I wrote, if you're interested:
+ Show Spoiler [MY PAPER] +Write about the possible effects of AI (Artificial Intelligence) systems in the future.
What will be the future of human civilization? That's a question worth pondering over.
Fifty years ago, the notion that daily human life would be greatly defined by the extensive usage of a world-wide communications web, namely the World Wide Web and associated telecommunication entities, was something that didn’t once cross our ancestors’ minds, and if it did, it most likely didn’t go beyond the epoch’s science-fiction notion; what the children back then thought the year 3,000 would look like, yet little did they know these changes were right over the horizon.
Morse code, expensive phone calls, trains, ferries, horses and cars for the upper-middle class were commonplace. Traveling to a different country was a slow, expensive and tedious process; not something you saw very often. International communication was a luxury restricted to certain individuals. It was more often than not performed using Morse code and a noticeable amount of time was needed to get a sentence over to the other end.
To us right now this is a process we aren’t even conscious of anymore; we expect it to be that way and to happen whenever and however we want it to. Instant messaging with a person on the other end of the globe happens in a matter of milliseconds, and if for any reason it starts to bug out, we will find ourselves startled and annoyed on the fact; we expect these things to work flawlessly. Furthermore, international travel happens on a daily basis by the thousands and it has become very possible to visit a different continent over the weekend and be back for class in time the following day.
Humanity has been changing dramatically over time and the most beautiful reality about it is that we’re not even conscious of it.
To your ancestors back in the day, the notion of having an artificial or replacement organ to be surgically embedded into a human being was something worth a big controversy on, whether it being on moral or ethical issues, it was something an enormous number of people considered outrageous. Nowadays, this is common trend and a widely accepted practice all over the world.
The idea of us having artificially “alive” creatures made out of silicon and metal living amongst us in the near future and possibly having their own set of rights, may be something that irks you on the back of the head, yet it will be something that will become part of your everyday life and an accepted norm whether it is against your will or not. This being a current ideology, it is something that is already forming world-wide controversy, much like transplants and artificial organs once were.
But sadly, robots with an artificial intelligence at the human level should be the least of our concerns.
Modern science is currently aiming towards the creation, or “growing” of artificial organs for medical use in the near future; an “organ farm” per se, and they have already been successful in the growing of certain, simple muscles from a single cell, and feeding them sugars.
Science is also aiming towards the creation of various implants, such as the already-common cochlea implant for deaf patients. Work is also being done in the progress of retinal implants for blind patients. But ultimately, implant research will be focusing in the making and development of neural implants, which will allow us to “attach” external, artificial members to our own body much the same way we buy accessories for our computers or cars. We will soon be having extra arms or more powerful legs. Maybe a set of additional eyes and will be able to project ourselves into a robot, or “avatar” on the other side of the world, being able to control them and “feel” them the same way we do when we drive our cars and feel them as being an extension of ourselves.
The future of human life doesn’t revolve around the simple and happy fact that we will be having more stuff to help us do things faster and easier, but it centers itself on the reality that we will, eventually, become the robots themselves.
It is just a matter of time before we start decomposing and formalizing the entire universe we live in whilst using our own, self-made models (such as mathematics and physics). The human drive to fulfill its internal curiosity about how everything around it works will slowly overtake us and get us to a point where we will become omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent.
Possibly leading us to our own end.
I did not know how to stand in front of my parents and tell them that I had failed an exam they were convinced would make it into The Dateline (School's newspaper). I did not know where to run to if it ever happened that my Phy Kappa Phy Honor's Society mentor found out about this idiocy. For the first time in many years, I felt like a total failure. No, let me rephrase: I was made feel like a total failure.
Down the drain go my graduation plans for this Fall as well as the invitations I sent to my relatives in South America to come to my graduation. Especially that of my ninety-four year old grandfather, whom I haven't seen for almost seven years. I now have to put up with the thought of me taking one class during the Spring semester of 2011 to finally get out of this place. All of this, of course, courtesy of my university's useless WPE piece of shit.
/rant
Poll: Did I write a "proficient" paper?No (75) 93% Yes (6) 7% 81 total votes Your vote: Did I write a "proficient" paper? (Vote): Yes
(Vote): No
Edit: I fucked up the question they asked me.
 
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Dude relax. If this the first paper that you did not pass or are you just pissed because it is mandatory to graduate? I wouldn't make a huge deal about it, when can you retake the test?
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What's the benchmark for passing? It would be unfair for a humanities professor to grade you considering your major.
I thought the paper is good enough, you might have spelling or grammar mistakes but clearly we understood what you wrote, which imo is all that you need for computer science.
EDIT: I re-read it, honestly you probably didn't put in a serious effort in answer the question and got owned.
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Dude I'm so sorry, that's terrible
but DON'T beat yourself up like that. doing that thing where you pile everything on top of each other until it culminates into one large "everything is going wrong" ball will just plow through you
you can get over this. you could've seen your grandfather any time you wanted, your relatives will understand the change of plans, classes will suck but what're ya gonna do?
It sucks, but just remember that there is more to the road after the speed bump, even if you can't see over it.
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Can't you just go to commencement anyway and just pretend you graduated as a show for your relatives?
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ok well, I just graduated high school. The problem that I see with your paper, however good, is not answering what the original question is.
The topic:
Write about the effects of computerization in modern day's society and yourself.
You start off with: What will be the future of human civilization? That's a question worth pondering over.
I did read it, what follows does not answer the topic either.
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Yeah, just look into retaking it.
However, when reading though it, you didn't really talk about the computerization of society and the effects. I would interpret it literally as computers, not artificial organs, math and physics, science, or much of anything else, but computers. You brushed on it in the first paragraph with the web, but never really came back to actual computers doing the things they do now. You looked into the future, rather than talked about what society is like today.
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No offense, but that's pretty poorly written and doesn't really address the question too well...
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Science is also aiming towards the creation of various implants, such as the already-common cochlea implant for deaf patients. Work is also being done in the progress of retinal implants for blind patients.
don't go 'also, also, also, also' like that. there are other things but that's the first thing that came to mind.
i wouldn't worry about it to much, it's one more class. sure it's a kick in the balls to have to tell your family but shit happens.
also you focused to much on science rather than computers. you grazed the topic briefly then shot off in a different direction.
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On June 24 2010 13:33 Apexplayer wrote:ok well, I just graduated high school. The problem that I see with your paper, however good, is not answering what the original question is. The topic: Show nested quote +Write about the effects of computerization in modern day's society and yourself. You start off with: Show nested quote + What will be the future of human civilization? That's a question worth pondering over. I did read it, what follows does not answer the topic either.
This is pretty much it. As much as it sucks that you didnt pass, and trust me, I feel for you, you didnt answer the question. There is a fairly large gap between computerization and claiming that we will all become robots.
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It is just a matter of time before we start decomposing and formalizing the entire universe we live in whilst using our own, self-made models (such as mathematics and physics). The human drive to fulfill its internal curiosity about how everything around it works will slowly overtake us and get us to a point where we will become omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent.
I feel for you, but that is an outlandish prediction.
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You obviously just took it for granted that you'd pass and didn't prepare. You will ace it next time.
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Wait did you change the question there? It says AI now, but before it definitely was asking about computerization.
Cause yeah, you didn't really answer the question man. So the paper wasn't proficient in that regard at all. Also your first paragraph:
Fifty years ago, the notion that daily human life would be greatly defined by the extensive usage of a world-wide communications web, namely the World Wide Web and associated telecommunication entities, was something that didn’t once cross our ancestors’ minds, and if it did, it most likely didn’t go beyond the epoch’s science-fiction notion; what the children back then thought the year 3,000 would look like, yet little did they know these changes were right over the horizon.
Is all one sentence, with a semi colon near the end to try and break it up.
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On June 24 2010 13:32 haduken wrote:
What's the benchmark for passing? It would be unfair for a humanities professor to grade you considering your major.
I thought the paper is good enough, you might have spelling or grammar mistakes but clearly we understood what you wrote, which imo is all that you need for computer science.
EDIT: I re-read it, honestly you probably didn't put in a serious effort in answer the question and got owned.
The problem was that he didn't answer the question, he didn't have a thesis, and he didn't back up any of his claims. He just kind of spouted science fiction cliches and called it a day.
What was the grader supposed to do? Be more careful next time, plan out a few points, and then write. It's a hard lesson you should have learned a long time ago, but better now than when you've got a job and you could get fired.
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oh man, i feel ya. its devastating to underestimate some aspect of college work and then have it come back and rape you . I wont let it happen to me again though, and neither should you!
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Ya several problems:
1) didn't actually answer the question
2) there was no thesis or central plan
3) pretty basic vocabulary and use of filler words like "also"
4) other grammatical errors, comma usage, etc.
5) asking rhetorical questions, using the word "you" - are oftentimes frowned upon in formal essays (this is a bit more subjective though)
6) you had a few random one sentence paragraphs that seemed out of place
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The test is called the Writing Proficiency Exam though, not the Reading Proficiency one T__T
I'm obviously showing that I can write. If they want to punish me for not addressing the question, then they should make a R&WPE or something...
...and yes, I copied the wrong question from their shit-ass list of retarded questions.
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you didn't even come close to answering the question, nor did you have a well structured paper in the slightest T_T
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heh, well hope u graduate soon enough. whats past is past,u just gotta move on 
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On June 24 2010 13:42 EsX_Raptor wrote:
The test is called the Writing Proficiency Exam though, not the Reading Proficiency one T__T
I'm obviously showing that I can write. If they want to punish me for not addressing the question, then they should make a R&WPE or something...
...and yes, I copied the wrong question from their shit-ass list of retarded questions.
Being able to write out a sentence/paragraph is not the same as being able to actually write in an academic sense. They were testing your ability to proficiently write an appropriate response to a prompt. Unfortunately your response was insufficient, and hence the failing grade. It sucks and I really feel for you, but that's the case unfortunately.
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Sigh.
I'm sorry guys, I'm just very angry at myself right now :'(
I truly appreciate your comments on this matter. I'm jotting down the tips and mistakes you guys are pointing out so that I don't make them again when I retake the test.
Hopefully I will pass it this time.
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On June 24 2010 13:42 EsX_Raptor wrote:
The test is called the Writing Proficiency Exam though, not the Reading Proficiency one T__T
I'm obviously showing that I can write. If they want to punish me for not addressing the question, then they should make a R&WPE or something...
...and yes, I copied the wrong question from their shit-ass list of retarded questions.
Well there's a difference between "writing" as in stringing words together to form sentences and writing an academic paper. IMO you're not showing that you can write in an academic sense.
I guess I was lucky enough to have a great English teacher in high school so I've never had a problem with writing. But I can see how if you didn't get such a good writing background this would be very difficult. You should probably look into taking a writing class (unless that's what you were talking about in the spring semester).
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Well, I went through something very similar before my graduation (computer science major).
Now, I'm absolutely awful at writing essays (English is my second language).
My professor's advice was to write something in the manner of explaining a concept (which computer scientist should know as programmers needs to document stuff).
I read up some Linus Torvald's blogs and other computer scientist journals and learned how they approach a concept and the way they explains things. That worked well.
For your essay topic, you could've start with explaining Allen Newell's works and the overlap between cognitive science and AI...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turing_Award
It helps if you know the history of computer science.
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To be frank - it reads like something you'd find on blogs on TL, not a college level paper.
It doesn't really address the prompt - the effects of computerization in society and yourself, unless you were to title it "My Thoughts on The Future." Even then your piece is just a rambling rant, which anyone with a computer and an internet connection can do these days, and it's addressed to an audience that cares more for how you structure your argument and little for the actual content.
In some ways your paper seems like it's trying to be like literary non-fiction, what with your thesis at the very end of the paper trying to be a sweeping, dramatic proclamation; and obviously the WPE isn't a test of how well you can write creative non-fiction.
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United States269 Posts
Okay man, this is certainly not the end of the world. Your best option is to come clean to your family, don't try to lie to them you'll just dig yourself a deeper hole to address later. If you don't graduate immediately your life won't end, you have a clear option to just delay your exit from college. Sure, your family will be disappointed but that's a part of life and they will understand. Don't try to run away from this situation, it'll only make it worse.
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1. you don't 'ponder over', you ponder.
2. the whole first paragraph is 1 sentence.
3. 'ancestors' + '50 years ago' doesn't really make sense
4. your next paragraph starts by stating that those things were commonplace, then you spend the rest of it explaining how they weren't commonplace at all
5. 'bug out' isn't a verb in real english
6. 'startled and annoyed on the fact' isn't english
7. 'international travel happens on a daily basis by the thousands' - your word associations are off
8. 'back in the day' OK, there's no way this is a serious post anymore...
9. 'something worth having a big controversy on' REALLY?!
10. 'irks you on the back of the head'
11. etc etc
Anyways, if we assume (long shot) that this is a serious post, your writing is really pretty bad, and it blows me away that University students write this poorly. I see it all the time and it's sad, but often the TAs and occasionally even professors have equally bad writing.
Revise your work, take out unnecessary words (this could have been 25% shorter), be concise. Make sure your word associations match. Saying 'international travel happens by the thousands' doesn't make any more sense than 'cheese gets eaten by the thousands'.
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My school does this also, and I failed the 1st time. I thought I wrote a decent paper, good enough for me to pass but I guess not. So when I took it a 2nd time the question was a lot more difficult for me to write about but I passed somehow. xD
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Don't get too discouraged. I know people that took it 6 times before they passed.
My ex-gf taught me some very unique tricks to writing better especially on exams.
1. Before you write anything, write on scratch paper a general outline for what you want to talk about. A simple 5 paragraph essay is good.
2. Make the first paragraph all about your thesis.
3. Follow the guide for writing a paragraph.
*Introduction to paragraph.
*Supporting evidence
*conclusion about evidence
*supprting evidence
*conclusion about evidence
*conclusion including main point of paragraph
4. Repeat that 3 times for each of your three main points
5. Conclude by repeating most of what you have said in the opening paragraph using your evidence.
Also, some little things I noticed.
"What will be the future of human civilization? That's a question worth pondering over." is not a opening paragraph. Don't be cute, they just want to make sure you can write.
Use clear evidence, don't write a story. Also write in the present tense or past tense. Don't switch between them.
Avoid unneccesary phrases like "To your ancestors back in the day"
Never use the word "you" or "us" or "we" in a formal essay.
No need for quotes around “attach”.
Too many unnecesary words.
It seems like you might spend too much time reading the forums on TL I recommend reading some essays to get an understanding of what is considered a good essay.
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I'm guessing that you saw the prompt, thought "hey this is about technology, I know all about that!" and started writing immediately with no plan. The best approach is to brainstorm, quickly outline an answer, and then structure your points before you begin writing. It's probably what you would have done for an unfamiliar topic, but it's easy to get carried away when a prompt is interesting to you. Reading the question and answering it is by far the most important aspect of any writing task. You can write the best paper ever, but if it doesn't answer the question, you're going to fail.
I would have brainstormed a list of foreseeable AI advancements and the possible positive/negative effects they may have. Like:
1. Robots replace humans in menial and service jobs
a. Positive: Lower labor costs make products and services cheaper. Humans freed to perform more creative tasks.
b. Negative: Teenagers and unskilled workers have limited job opportunities. Less human interaction leads to less empathetic society.
2. Wars fought with robots and intelligent systems
a. Positive: No more human lives lost in combat.
b. Negative: Losing human lives is the biggest deterrent to war. Countries with big robot armies bully lesser countries. Big robot wars waste natural resources that could be used to advance humanity.
Etc.
You could then write a paper going point-by-point laying out the positives and negatives of each advancement. Slap an intro and conclusion on it, make sure each point transitions into the next one to some degree, and you're done. Alternatively, you could paint a rosy picture of a Utopian AI-controlled society in the first half and then smash it to pieces with all the scary possibilities. The first would probably be more academic, but the second would be more fun.
Oh dear I didn't mean to write this much. I was a computer science major too. 
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Doesn't answer anything, uses every scifi cliche ever and it's not exactly well written.
Just take your time when you do it! Outlines help too.
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Is english your native language? I don't mean to be an ass, but this paper screamed of style over substance - as in someone trying to get way to fancy with words and phrases that they clearly do not understand. In the end, it's all fluff. It's a Steve Jobs product launch.
When writing a formal paper, succinct, direct, and to the point is always the way to go. They aren't asking you to be Cormac McCarthy and suck in the reader with your elegant prose; they're ensuring you can make a goddamn point and back it up it written form.
Good luck with whatever happens from here. Learning experience +1.
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On June 24 2010 15:41 darmousseh wrote:Don't get too discouraged. I know people that took it 6 times before they passed. My ex-gf taught me some very unique tricks to writing better especially on exams. 1. Before you write anything, write on scratch paper a general outline for what you want to talk about. A simple 5 paragraph essay is good. 2. Make the first paragraph all about your thesis. 3. Follow the guide for writing a paragraph. *Introduction to paragraph. *Supporting evidence *conclusion about evidence *supprting evidence *conclusion about evidence *conclusion including main point of paragraph 4. Repeat that 3 times for each of your three main points 5. Conclude by repeating most of what you have said in the opening paragraph using your evidence. Also, some little things I noticed. "What will be the future of human civilization? That's a question worth pondering over." is not a opening paragraph. Don't be cute, they just want to make sure you can write. Use clear evidence, don't write a story. Also write in the present tense or past tense. Don't switch between them. Avoid unneccesary phrases like "To your ancestors back in the day" Never use the word "you" or "us" or "we" in a formal essay. No need for quotes around “attach”. Too many unnecesary words. It seems like you might spend too much time reading the forums on TL I recommend reading some essays to get an understanding of what is considered a good essay.
Thisis a good basic outline that will help you.
In general, your sentence structure was pretty horrible.
Read your paper again and just look for how many commas and semi colons you are using. One of your paragraphs was a run on sentence that went on for about 4-5 lines.
I would avoid using semi colons at all. It's not really worth it try to combine two related sentences because if you use it wrong you look like a douche bag to the graders.
Use more periods and less commas in general. Cut out the excess explanations and just make your point... You used a lot of commas when they shouldn't have been used as well.
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mandatory test required for graduation; graduation plans for this Fall
I'm glad my school made us take them early; I failed twice.
Are you at UHD?
Their site says they offer the WPE "several times each semester, including summer".
If your school only offers it once a year, look into taking it at another school within the university system.
You shouldn't have to wait until next spring to take it again.
P.S. Does your honor society misspell Phi on purpose?
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I'm not breaking any new ground here by telling you the paper is bad. It's bad. Certainly not university level. I'd even have my doubts that it would pass in an advanced high school English class. That said, calm down. You can totally pass this thing, just be a bit more careful next time.
Don't make run on sentences. Don't use slang. Answer the right question, regardless of how shit-ass retarded it is. This was easily your biggest mistake: you were asked to comment on computer sciences and you rambled on about cool sci-fi movies. Even with your lackluster grammar and sentence structure, had you at least shown some regard for the topic at hand your odds of passing would have doubled.
Good luck in the future.
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Horses? Morse code? You do realize that "50 years ago" was the 60s, right?
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Your paper wasn't that great. I wouldn't have passed it either. You didn't really answer the topic. You kind of did, but really didn't. It's like you took keywords from the question and wrote about that instead of answering the question. Some of your sentences were terrible. If you took the time to reread your paper and not walk out of the classroom first you'd probably would have caught a lot of this. Just take the course in 2011 and go on with your life.
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yeah you broke one of the golden rules of writing essays. you could have written the first harry potter book but still would have been wrong because you didn't follow the prompt.
just learn from the mistake and move on with your life.
you're still alive, right?
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I think a lot of what I wanted to say has already been noted, but I would just suggest that you take a small writing course. I'm in engineering it really helped me out... I think the big things are:
1) Your mechanics are absolutely horrible for a college level paper. Sorry, but its true. There are run on sentences, sentence fragments, missing commas, redundancies and some really awkward phrasing in general.
2) You need to read up about the "standard" essay format. That is to say: 1) Introduction and "thesis" -> 2) Supporting evidence 3) Conclusion and restate thesis.
Although I completely understand that you'll probably never have to deal with anything like this in CompSci again, good writing is a useful skill to have, in general.
Best of luck though!
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Be glad that you failed because you really need to improve your writing skills. Just use this as an opportunity to learn from your mistakes; don't sweat it.
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Calgary25979 Posts
I believe the point of that test is to show you know basic English vocabulary and grammar. Instead of trying to write a fantastic essay, you should have written a simple piece that demonstrated accurate vocabulary, punctuation and grammar. Just retake it (my university offered it twice a year I think?) and focus on simplicity and accuracy. You'll do fine.
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Luckily my university makes students take the mandatory writing exam in their first week at the university. A bunch of my friends failed hard the first time and several retook it multiple times. The highschool English curriculum in Ontario really doesn't prepare students well for academic writing.
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Calgary25979 Posts
On June 25 2010 07:24 Jyvblamo wrote:
The highschool English curriculum in Ontario really doesn't prepare students well for academic writing.
I strongly disagree with this.
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I dunno, I've read some of my engineering friends' and their engineering friends' mandatory writing class assignments before that were just completely abysmal. I'm not talking about those Asian math geniuses that don't know English that well but people that have been born and raised in Canada their entire life being unable to write coherently. Another high school friend has to edit the shit out of his brother's work when he started university last year because he just has no writing skills. If we look back to high school I'm pretty sure we could all remember people that passed that mandatory language test thing and passed their grade 12 higher English class but still couldn't write if their life depended on it.
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Did you read the question that was given? YDI
At first I thought you didn't understand what artificial inteligence (I assumed from the poor writing style that English was not your first language), but:
"robots with an artificial intelligence at the human level should be the least of our concerns"
convinced me otherwise. Maybe taking a couple of writing or basic English courses wouldn't hurt while you wait to graduate....
Better luck next time.
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Hey man, I know how you feel. I just bombed my math final. I was so fucking close to an A+ and now I'll probably get a B+ or A-. I know those are good marks, but it just pisses me off knowing how hard I worked and how badly I wanted that A+.
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On June 25 2010 09:19 rushz0rz wrote:
Hey man, I know how you feel. I just bombed my math final. I was so fucking close to an A+ and now I'll probably get a B+ or A-. I know those are good marks, but it just pisses me off knowing how hard I worked and how badly I wanted that A+.
hahaha nice troll
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United States22883 Posts
Is there any way you can petition to take it over summer school or something? If it's only that one exam, it seems absurd that you'd have to wait a full year to do it again. I think my school offers it at least 3 times a year, but it's an actual proctored test.
On the plus side, at least you've still got a big dick.
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I assume you took the SAT since you're from the US? Don't they teach you to write very formulaic essays? Usually it goes like this: intro with main idea/position you take, 3 supporting ideas and examples to back them up each being a paragraph, and conclusion (almost like restating the intro). All paragraphs need to have about 4 sentences in them.
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Text is off topic unless you're fantasizing about a distant future.
Your text is basically
1: Extremely lengthy opening given the size of the text.
2: Science fiction which has nothing to do with modern AI or anything we can do anytime soon.
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On June 25 2010 09:44 Djzapz wrote:
Text is off topic unless you're fantasizing about a distant future.
Your text is basically
1: Extremely lengthy opening given the size of the text.
2: Science fiction which has nothing to do with modern AI or anything we can do anytime soon.
Took the words out of my mouth!
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On June 25 2010 09:19 rushz0rz wrote:
Hey man, I know how you feel. I just bombed my math final. I was so fucking close to an A+ and now I'll probably get a B+ or A-. I know those are good marks, but it just pisses me off knowing how hard I worked and how badly I wanted that A+.
lol
Person A: "Oh man, I bombed my final. I think I'm going to fail!"
Person B: "I know EXACTLY how you feel! I'm probably going to walk away with ONLY a A- myself!"
Person A: "...."
And yeah, I agree that your essay seemed unfocused and incoherent. This is the sort of paper I used to turn in to fool my High School English teachers. I think you know what I mean: a lot of fluff and style, making sweeping remarks like "Mankind has always been this and that" in the form of deep revelations, going off on irrelevant tangents because it sounds nice and has a vague connection to the topic question, etc. I learned the hard way that this sort of writing doesn't hold well with University professors.
Be concise. Be direct. Don't write something just because it sounds cool. Make sure that the main point you're attempting to make is clear and explored thoroughly.
Seems rather extreme to be withheld from graduating though. You have my sympathies.
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IMO, listen to the advice that Xeris and TimmyMac gave.
Papers with prompts like these are way too subjective for graders to grade based on actual content (Your thoughts and ideas, ie: the possible effects of AI systems in the future). So the only way they can grade is based on a certain rubric system.
You just have to give them what they are looking for. State a thesis ("Blah blah i believe that AI systems will/will not bring a significant change in our future.") Then, the most important thing to do is to SUPPORT your claims.
In my opinion, just stick to a basic essay structure, such as a thesis paragraph stating your claim (Someone else mentioned, your first paragraph was only 1 sentence... Try to make it at least 4 or 5). Then write your following paragraphs with support.
Good luck.
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Are you a foreign student? Sounds like you write in typical spanish to english translation haha.
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On June 25 2010 08:06 koreasilver wrote:
I dunno, I've read some of my engineering friends' and their engineering friends' mandatory writing class assignments before that were just completely abysmal. I'm not talking about those Asian math geniuses that don't know English that well but people that have been born and raised in Canada their entire life being unable to write coherently. Another high school friend has to edit the shit out of his brother's work when he started university last year because he just has no writing skills. If we look back to high school I'm pretty sure we could all remember people that passed that mandatory language test thing and passed their grade 12 higher English class but still couldn't write if their life depended on it.
The literacy test is just 'can you read and write?' It's not a test of skill, but the basic ability to prove you can read and respond (not the finesse with which you do it). My high school made a huge deal of it and even had assemblies to tell us about it, but it's joke. A 6th grader could pass it.
Grade 12 English I can assume they're very forgiving because they want you to graduate. It's a bit of a drain of the public school system to make you repeat a year. On the other hand, the university makes money off of you, and has a reputation to uphold (so that their degrees will still hold value). Lots of high school teachers just want to know that you're 'trying' and most people can fake that and those bleeding hearts will think 'oh it's so hard for him, and he's not going to be a writer.' On the other hand, they can be absolute terrorists with giving out A's or even B's. I remember in grade 11 thinking I should just do an apprenticeship for a trade or something because getting back papers with '62%' or whatever on them clearly meant I was stupid. Now I get A's on my essays in university. I think English high school teachers really get trapped in their own little world of what they think writing should be, and if you don't happen to meet that ideal they shit all over your paper with 'awk' scribbles for things most professors think is fine. But then again, it was really just a sour experience with one or two English teachers I had, because I remember liking my grade 9 one.
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Well, of course you failed. You pretty much ignored the subject matter in favour of making weird statements like "Humanity has been changing dramatically over time and the most beautiful reality about it is that we’re not even conscious of it." which somehow manages to be both blatantly obvious and ridiculous at the same time.
You could have talked about stuff like AI in cars or would people be willing to allow an AI to drive them around, diagnose their illnesses, what public reaction might be if an AI failed in some way, mass unemployment due to AIs being far more capable than humans or anything really.
How did you get from "Write about the possible effects of AI (Artificial Intelligence) systems in the future" to "We will soon be having extra arms or more powerful legs"? I'm not really seeing the link here.
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Hey; i hope that you will graduate soon! best of luck!!
some tips to work on; some of your language is too colloquial for this type of writing.
"To your ancestors back in the day"-- back in the day is an idiom, it is hugely open to interpretation depending on the readers context especially because you addressed the reader with to YOUR
structure needs to be improved upon;;
Try and have this as a concluding sentence to a paragraph rather than a paragraph on its on so it summarises the point you are trying to make in the paragraph.
"Humanity has been changing dramatically over time and the most beautiful reality about it is that we’re not even conscious of it."
same with this sentence
"But sadly, robots with an artificial intelligence at the human level should be the least of our concerns."
You have excellent ideas; but possibly try to focus on a few rather than have many sprawled over the place.
I like your essay though; just needs a few touch ups!!
Good luck in the future
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On June 24 2010 13:42 EsX_Raptor wrote:
The test is called the Writing Proficiency Exam though, not the Reading Proficiency one T__T
I'm obviously showing that I can write. If they want to punish me for not addressing the question, then they should make a R&WPE or something...
...and yes, I copied the wrong question from their shit-ass list of retarded questions.
On the contrary, it shows that you're inadequate at writing.
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On June 25 2010 07:24 Jyvblamo wrote:
The highschool English curriculum in Ontario really doesn't prepare students well for academic writing.
What about the Grade 10 Literacy Test? I don't know what High School you went to but at my High School, it's really the opposite of what you're saying.
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As has been said, it's really effective to think over the question a minute, decide on an answer, and jot down a few arguments+supportive points before you start writing. Now my problem is that I do that but I absolutely suck at "fluff" so my essays are usually pathetically short.
Also, most graders don't particularly look at content, but just read through and give you a check for like point made, support1, support2, etc a few times over.
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