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One night, I was in bed, beating my wife, when phone ring. I beat

phone, then pick it up. I hear voice. Voice says;

"What you do with my daughter?!"

I turn to wife and demand to know why her father interrupt me beating

her. But she say, her father is dead!

Then, KGB break into house and arrest me for illegal possession of phone.

Such is life in Moscow.

­

I check into small hotel a few kilometers from Kiev. It is late. I am tired. I tell woman at desk I want a room. She tells me room number and give key. "But one more thing comrade; there is one room without number and always lock. Don't even peek in there." I take key and go to room to sleep.

Night comes and I hear trickling of water. It comes from the room across. I cannot sleep so I open door. It is coming from room with no number. I pound on door. No response. I look in keyhole. I see nothing except red.

Water still trickling. I go down to front desk to complain. "By the way who is in that room?" She look at me and begin to tell story.

There was woman in there. Murdered by her husband. Skin all white, except her eyes, which were red.

I tell her I don't give a shit. Stop the water trickling or give me refund. She gave me 100 ruble credit and free breakfast.

Such is life in Moscow

­

Toys are made by loyal factory for amusement of the children of the motherland.

Toys are of baby, and have realistic crying function.

Soon, it becomes difficult to distinguish baby and toy.

Both are burned for warmth.

Such is life in mother Russia

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Babysitter home with young boy and young girl. She get call parents, who are working night shift in factory asking if everything is fine. She tells them da, but the large statue of Lenin in daughter's room is unsettling.

Later, she is arrested by KGB for calling great father of motherland "unsettling". She is sent to count trees in Siberia.

Such is life in Moscow.

­

Mother and father got a little tired from building Communism, so they want to go to Moscow to buy vodka. They call their most trusted babysitter. When the babysitter arrives, children already sleep in beds. Babysitter just sits around and make sure everything good with children. Later that night, babysitter gets bored and goes to read Marx, but she can't read it downstairs because there's no electricity (the parents didn't want children reading Marx all night long).

So, she calls them and asks if she can get candles to read Marx in their room. Of course, the parents say it's okay, but the babysitter has one final request... she asked if she could cover up the Lenin statue outside the bedroom window with a blanket or cloth, because it maeks her nervous.

The phone line is silent for a moment, and the father who says, "Take the children and get out of the house... we will call milita. We do not have an Lenin statue."

The militia found all three of the house occupants dead because KGB killed them for trying to cover Lenin's statue. And militia arrested parents for not having a Lenin statue.

Such is life in Moscow.

­

Man goes to house. No one there. Open door, enter large factory. Go out. Normal house. Man enters, dust everywhere.

"You are now in USA"

­

In Russia, coffin has pipe for air, and bell with string. If man is true Soviet, he does not die. When buried, yells for undertaker and rings bell.

Bell rings. Is no wind.

Undertaker asks - "Are you lady Gorbochev?"

Voice says "Yes!"

"Born winter of 1927?"

"Yes!"

"Gravestone says 'Died 20 February, 1957"

"Niet, am still living!"

"Am sorry, but is August. In June, ground will thaw. You must wait for June."

And woman is true Soviet, waits for June.

­

You are home to watch Pravda on televisir about degenerate murderer who is on the loose. You look out the window door to beet field, and you notice Man standing in the snow. He look like foto on televisir and he smile at you. You gulp vodka, picking up fone to your right and dialing Local Militia Precinct Commissar. Back out the glass you look, pressing fone to ear. Notice he now closer to you. You drop vodka in shock.

No footprints in snow. It was reflection. You dullard!

Your apartment is bulldozed down to make way for glorious tractor factory.

­

It was cold snowstorm in summer of 1958 in Stalingrad, little child on street freezing to dead.. little girl on corner suck american cock for money to provide money build glorious communism, suddenly loud noise.. people look they not see thing, suddenly big eagle strikes down shouting words: "EMBRACE DEMOCRACY, OR YOU WILL BE ERADICATED."

KGB kill bird have feast drink vodka and everyone rape little girl.

such is life in Soviet Russia

­

Walking home one night, you notice all the candles in personal shack are lit.

You finish vodka bottle as you approach your door.

House is empty, and you made sure not to feed guard dog, but candles still go out.

You check your pocket watch, small hand on 4, big hand on 1. You relise you'll be late for unpaid community service.

At service, you find letter on floor. It's signed to you, from you. You open the letter, confused.

Inside reads "the out for watch watch"

You look at pocket watch. big hand on 4, little hand on one. You look at note again, it appears the 4th and 1st words have swapped places.

"Watch out for the watch."

You look at pocket watch again.

You realise watch is broken, and decide you must get it fixed. You also decide to cut back on vodka, so as to not send letters to yourself anymore.

Such is life in mother Russia.

­

In small Ukrainian village, mother works hard to get work permit for daughter to work in Russia. Mother works hard every day. One day mother work so hard she faint, but continued working when recovered. Mother keeps fainting and gets sicker, but keeps working like true comrade. On deathbed, mother gives daughter locket. She tells daughter to only open it when she believes she can't continue with life.

Mother dies. Daughter gets work permit for Russia and works in screw factory. Years pass and one of daughter's comrades in factory asks about locket. Daughter tells him. Comrade asks her to open it. Years have passed and daughter is productive worker. Daughter finally opens it. In it was piece of paper that says:

Only through hard work can the workers over throw the Capitalist fascists that threaten glorious Mother Land.

­

Once I hear story about girl in Chaplygin. She was asleep in her bed, when she feel lick on her hand. She thinks it is dog and goes to sleep. Next morning, she finds note on dresser with dead head of dog. It says "Capitalists can lick too." She screams.

The girl was sent for re-education in Estonia, her parents sent to labor in Siberia. One must always be watchful and never let American spies into one's house.

­

Is said in Stalingrad, in poor sector where prole lives, there is house. If comrade will knock on door, it will open. Beautiful girl lead comrade inside by hand. She have sexy bottom if comrade thinks like American pig.

She lead comrade deep in to the house, past door with secret sign for getting in, make promise of lustful treachery in exchange for ruble, surpassing comrade's love for motherland! Comrade rejoices.

She-bitch kills comrade. She is vile serpent from the dark places and feasts on steaming entrails. This is proper punishment for one who would compete with glorious government rape camps.

­

Once there was a small boy who went to school to become proud Russian Communist. He found of a picture of a pretty American girl with smile and two fingers into peace sign. He takes the photo around and no on is knowing her.

One night he hears tapping on window. He looks outside and it is the girl. "Fuck you American" he screams, and throws potatoes at her.

She keeps this up for several nights until boy is out of potatoes. He leaves his house to kill girl but is hit by a car instead. Driver gets out and takes the boy's photo. Girl is now holding a potato and has 3 fingers raised with a smile.

Old soviet woman is driving down road in husbands car. She is very scared, for woman cannot drive well. She hits a stump; Soviet state must sacrifice silly backroads for glorious highway.

­

Man in red and white and evil fascist blue emerges from woods. Offers assistance. Woman accepts, and is killed.

This is penance for trusting Capitalist commando. commando rapes corpse repeatedly and offers blood to Satan. Never speak to these pigs, child. Always shoot first with strong Russian-made weapon.

­

One night small children is awaking and approaches parents bed. She is saying she is having a nightmare. Comrade father is tired for long day working for greater glory of Soviet Party, but allows girl to be climbing into bed with him and comrade mother.

But child is saying no and father, being becoming angry asks why and child responds "because in nightmare I'm having, when I'm telling comrade father about nightmare, the Pig Capitalist using comrade mother's skin is sitting up in bed".

Father is becoming afraid and denouncing wife to KGB. Wife being send to gulag for being Capitalist Pig.

­

"Father, I had a bad dream"

You take a sip of vodka and roll over. You stare at the clocktower on Sobornaya Square it's 3:23. "Go back to sleep, there is work tomorrow."

"No, Father."

The familiar warm buzz of vodka starts to sink in. You can barely make out your daughter's pale form in the darkness. "Why is that, devochka moya?"

"Because in my dream, when I was about to go back to sleep, the thing wearing Mother's skin sat up."

You pause, and face your daughter and look at her intensely. The figure behind you begins to stir.

"Don't talk that way about your brother, it is not his fault we have no money for coats. Such is life in Moscow."

­

Soviet scientists conducting experiment about comrade test subjects following squares with eyes across screen. It being curious how big variations on landscape being unnoticed by comrade test subject following square on the screen. Similarity is found on how the Capitalist is now entering your room as you are reading this.

­

Girl is being given gift of very old matroshka doll. Girl opening matroshka doll and finding inside doll after doll of family and friends. The last doll is being image of girl herself. Inside last doll, girl is finding evidence of treason against the Soviet Party. Girl is surrendering herself to Party for treason and being executed.

­

Legend is being going like this.

You entering bathroom and standing in front of mirror. Turning candles off and, while being in front of mirror, spinning rapidly, you chanting "Leon Trotsky" "Leon Trotsky" "Leon Trotsky" "Leon Trotsky", several times, while catching glimpses of self on mirror. It is said that eventually you be seeing image of Leon Trotsky on mirror.

Upon exiting bathroom you are being arrested by KGB for believing in existence of Leon Trotsky, whom the party as proven never existed

­

.

Unpopular state worker becomes butt of many joke. Day after unfortunate tractor accident, comrades from her village place severed arm in unpopular state worker's bed, and wait for morning to laugh. Morning comes and they enter room to find her eating arm. Horror results, because arm is enough to feed three comrades, and she will not share!

­

Try this. Turn off music. Turn off TV. If you are greedy capitalist and have machine, turn off computer. Go to next room, and sit, do not dance, do not drink, be as quiet as Jew during pogrom. Does Comrade Russian hear sound? Itsy bitsy ringing? Glorious People say it is brain making up a sound to explain reason why Russian is not drinking or dancing.

People lied.

Silly Americans can not tell you what making sound, Smart Russians can because are not silly bourgeoise with book and film.

It is wail of gypsy. If gypsy is planning to steal item in house, evil gypsy wail alerts holy Russian Orthodox Church. Find gypsy, hit gypsy with hand, then drink Vodka until sound go away. Then hit gypsy child until child is no longer gypsy.

Such is life for gypsy in Russia.

And no amount of running will save you.

­

In any Russian town seek out House for Reeducation of Mentally Unfit. Ask House Direktor to speak with Holder of End. Direktor will take you down, past root cellar, past beet storage, until you reach small room. Inside will be comrade of continuous talking to self. Language will possibly be inferior Czech or filthy American. If talking cease, say 'Da, comrade. Here for speaking'. If talking to self stop, share vodka with Direktor and fear not, for you are proud Soviet.If talking to self continue, ask mentally unfit 'What happen when all come together, in perfect Communist Union?'. Retard will then answer, but due to inferior Reeducation facility, answer will be incorrect. Report Direktor to KGB at once.

Also, mentally unfit will have tchotke in hands. Take from them and deliver to KGB. Possession is not an ideal for mentally unfit. If you have farm, you may take retard to works fields, after sterilization.

There are 2,538 retards of such. KGB is wishing to recover all.

­

Once I hear story about girl in Chaplygin. She was asleep in her bed, when she feel lick on her hand. She thinks it is dog and goes to sleep. Next morning, she finds note on dresser with dead head of dog. It says "Comrades can lick too." She screams.

Father comes upstairs, takes belt off and beats her. Moral of story is daughters should not yell in house like peasant. House is not Siberian pigsty. I worry daughter will never find good Russian husband.

­

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Item #: SCP-173

Object class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-173 is to be kept in shed behind farm. Three strong communist men must drink liter of vodka before enter. Two must stare at item, one must continue drink vodka.

Description: Moved to shed after wooden pen freeze and break during cold Soviet winter. Shed is also wood, but with paint sometimes. SCP-173 is extremely hostile, like red faced Americans. Is also coward. Neither will make move while strong Soviet men have watchful eye. No one blink, on punishment of beating with cold leather. Object enjoy snap neck, like American commando pig. If object allowed to move, all will be sent to cold Siberia for reeducation.

Personnel report sound of stone scraping when creature is alone. This is dutiful Russian work ethic. If sound stops, subject to be beaten with iron rods, like child.

Floor is covered in shit and blood, like normal Soviet household. Shed must be cleaned every two weeks. Kept much cleaner than most Soviet household.

­

One night man tries escape from gulag.

Makes his way to cabin in middle of tundra. Inside is plain, but many family pictures on walls. He falls asleep. In middle of night he is put in sack and dragged out. The next morning he is shot like dog.

Pictures are windows. KGB always watching.

­

I am fearing I'm not going making it. Everything being dark now. That is being how it liking it, dark. I being dead before sun coming up over glorious Mother Russia. Only light I having left is coming from screen. Candles are being not lasting long here, it being worse now. Candles are being put off as soon as comrade lights them. Once this battery being dead, so is this comrade being dead. Why did comrade ignoring signs? I thinking I being stronger, as Mother Russia is stronger than Capitalist Pig Nations. But comrade not being as strong. Comrade knowing it can not physically hurting him, but being unable to taking another night of tormenting. Comrade will being breaking tonight. Comrade having thoughts of suicide. The sounds are being starting. They penetrating comrade's mind. Comrade knowing what those sounds being, they are being Capitalist propaganda being propagated in microwaves from CIA. I knowing I can not win.

I should have being returning American Capitalist Corrupting Propagandist Computer when I first found it mysteriously being on farm.

­

You are being awake due to some noise in distance. You taking sip of vodka. You looking trough hole in roof, it seeming to be midnight. You hearing noise again. Someone being knocking at door, which being very weird since door being use for timber last week. "There is being no reason to being afraid" you telling yourself, you are being strong soviet man. But you are being unable to imagining any reason a comrade will be up this late, since it would affect his working performance next morning. You quietly being walking over to the hole where door used to have being.

"Hello?"

"Flap flap flap", is the sound coming from cloth over door hole.

“H-hello? Are you being home comrade?”

"Flap flap flap"

“I… Please be being home comrade… Hello?”

Woman being mumbling something.

“I being needing your help comrade!”

"Flap flap flap"

You recognizing her voice and looking out the window. It being girl from nearest farm. She is wearing potato sack and shining pendant around her neck. She is seeing you.

“Oh!”

She is looking afraid at first, and then she is putting a worried smile.

“I.. am being in need of using your phone", she is saying? "I needing to come in.”

You becoming suspicious since you having only once seeing a phone in your life.

She pausing.

“…I thinking someone is being inside my shed”

You are pausing for a moment and looking at puny fear on her face.

When you are taking cloth away from door hole, it slowly dawning on you…

Whoever it is, it isn't being inside her shed, and she is not being wearing a shining pendant. He is being behind her. It is invading American agent intent on taking over Mother Russia. You being strong soviet man instantly kill American Capitalist Pig. Next day you denouncing woman for helping American agent in trying to take over Mother Russia. Woman being sent to gulag.

­

You with woman comrade. Phone ring and man answer saying, "Why you with woman? Why you not work?

Woman comrade say her father taken by KGB to gulag.

You have no time to ask question about phone as KGB has already arrived and is now taking woman to gulag as well.

­

Vladimir was reaching for towel when he saw it. Something in mirror, darting out of his line of vision. He stared at mirror for a while, trying to work out what he'd seen, drinking vodka from bottle in meantime. There was nothing but reflection. He beginning to dry himself, and he saw it again. Flickering out the corner of his eye, something in mirror! He stepped out of the shower and towards the mirror.

Vladimir's wife, Tatyana, arrive home later that evening, but Vladimir is nowhere to be found. After searching shack, all she could find of him was towel lying on floor. Tatyana phone KGB like good Soviet woman.

KGB inform Tatyana that Vladimir saw gypsy in mirror, and that Vladimir give chase like strong comrade should. Glorious Communist State give Vladimir award for catching gypsy; two bottles of vodka.

Two days after gypsy-catching, Tayana disappeared from face of Earth. Unfaithful capitalist whore executed for wasting valuable KGB time.

­

It was dark rainy morning when the Jews came. Prebetschnaya village was overrun at first, but strong workers repelled Jews and defended women and potatoes with rusty spike and many rocks. Many dead Jews everywhere. Much rejoicing.

Except wicked Jews haunted village! Many reported seeing of large nose that night. It was Meschnaghast, Jewish Nose Monster formed from MANY dead Jew.

Entire town, except political officer, have vodka confiscated by People's Health Ministry. No such thing as Jew ghost; Jews not have souls. Jew bodies were taken and sent to glorious processing plant for feeding of all Soviet State.

­

Vladimir Stalvernisky waited. Oil lamps above head blinked and sparked out of air. Capitalist pigs were in base. He did not see them, but they were there. Capitalist pigs should be expected everywhere. Warnings to KGB officer Josonsky not listened to and now it was too late. Far too late for now, anyway.

Vladimir was Kosmonaut soldier for fourteen years. When small, he watched rockets and said to father "Comrade father, I want to be on rockets."

Comrade father say, "NYET! You will be kill by Capitalist pig-dogs!"

He believed him when small. Then older Vladimir stopped. But now in glorious Mir space station base he knew were Capitalists.

"Josonsky here", phone line crackered. "Kill Capitalist pigs!"

Vladimir get palsma rifle and blow up wall section.

"He kill us all!" Capitalist pigs shout.

"I kill him!" Cybercapitalist pig say and fire rocket. Vladimir plasma him and try kill him. Then ceiling section implode and trap them so they could not kill.

"NYET!!!! Must kill Capitalist pigs!" he shouted.

Radio say, "Nyet, Vladimir. You are the Capitalist pigs."

And then Vladimir was a Fascist.

Then Glorious Motherland fire nuclear missile to Mir space station. This is how Soviet Union deal with capitalist pigs and fascist dogs.

­

It is said, when one goes to bar in certain British city, you order vodka for yourself and bottle for captain. KGB then black bags for not buying bottle for the Boss.

­

In Saint Petersburg there is small warehouse were comrades can drink vodka and eat pototato all night long. If you wait teal 9:11 and you order drink for "savior of mankind" (worry not comrade bartender will know of whom you speak of) a man wearing possibly middleeastern clothes will walk in and sit down next to you. If you ask him "durka? durka?" he shall tell you the future event. Before the year 2000 he told many tings. but when asked about 2001 he only laugh. If you give him oral pleasure he will tell you about 2012...then only ting he say is....Obama....

­

There is house in Chechnya. One day police come by to find woman's body badly burnt in oven.

Little girl, you should obey your husband if he tell you something.

­

So I Am in the process of making out with my boyfriend yes?

When suddenly,telephone rings,"NIKO IT'S YOUR COUSIN,LET'S GO SEE SOME BEEG AMERICAN TITTIES".I say to my boyfriend,"Niko,it's your cousin"

Haha,my cousins dead.

So I ask you comrades,WHO WAS TELEPHONE?

­

Russian man is at work alone. Copy machine begins making copies. Man did not make copies. He goes to look. Copies show him dead at desk.

He curses bad Swedish machines. Shoots copier, and begins making all copies by hand.

Early in the morning of a burning hot day in the land of Destination, a small tribe were forging crystals. Each member of this tribe was hard working, and devoted to their collective.



On this day however, a new member of the tribe appeared from the holy temple at which they prayed. It looked just like them in every respect, but immediately knew it was meant for a higher purpose than simply mining crystals. On the charge of the great flying cursor, it was sent to civillize the rest of the world with the art and culture of the tribe. And so Proberto set out.



A profound sense of pride spilled into Proberto's spirit. It alone was being chosen and guided by the great cursor by which all must obey. With the great cursor on its side, it would overcome any obstacle, it would forever be safe, and it would become famous for its pious deeds. Leaving the tribes grounds would make a weaker member of their tribe feel homesick, but Proberto had been chosen because it is strong. So it believed.



So Proberto continued, and when it reached the bridge, it realised that it had now gone further from the temple than any other member of the tribe before it. Such a fearful honour that the great cursor had bestowed upon it. And yet, where was the great cursor now? Proberto had not heard the great cursor's influence since he was first told to go forth. But the great cursor is busy, Proberto knew. The great cursor must attend to its other activities, and then the time is right, will guide Proberto again.



Across the great valleys, Proberto's journey kept on. Sometimes Proberto saw strange creatures. A gigantic flying thing in the corner of its eye. But before Proberto could civillize it, it was gone. Proberto hoped the great cursor was watching over it. Flying seemed an atrocity, mocking the very nature of the great cursor. One should only serve the great cursor, not attempt to immitate it. If the great cursor were here, he could have made it explode, Proberto was sure.



Eventually Proberto came across another creature. Thankfully, this one seemed to respect the flying domain of the great cursor. Proberto decided to feed it some gravel as a gift from the tribe, that it might one day obey the cursor's will as well, instead of wandering aimlessly like a souless beast. The creature grunted, but did not seem entirely converted. Proberto was about to chastise it, when Proberto suddenly felt the presence of the great cursor willing it forward. There must be more pressing uses for myself, Proberto thought, and so Proberto and the creature went their separate ways across the great river's bridges.



More valleys and rivers later without any sense of the great cursor, Proberto suddenly felt its presence again. The great cursor commanded Proberto to build great pieces of art that would represent the tribe and show uncivilized beings the path of light. Proberto obeyed, and then continued his journey, such that he might expand the tribe's influence, and thus the great cursor's will.



Finally the day came when Proberto found many uncivilized beings all in a bunch. Proberto could feel the great cursors influence heavily now, and knew that its purpose had been found. The strange beings weaved in and out between crystals and what must have been some kind of false temple. Proberto tried to talk to the savages, but they did not understand.



In its infinite wisdom, the great cursor ordered Proberto to build some art where the savages would be most likely to see it. So Proberto built it where they most went.



But the savages did not like Proberto's artwork. The savages began destroying it, and setting it aflame.



The great cursor had changed its mind. If the savages would not become civilized, the savage must be killed. Proberto gathered the finest soldiers of his tribe, and bravely fought the savages with them. But Proberto was no warrior, and quickly became weak.



BLAAARRRHHHHHGGG!