EPTIntroduction
Pop culture has been bombarded by zombie movies for the past 40 years. Ever since Romero came out with Night of the Living Dead, people have been copying his formula to make terrifying (and not so terrifying) movies based on the “zombie apocalypse”. Based on these movies, we’re now able to take away lessons of what to do (and not do) when a zombie invasion comes. In the following pages, I will define terms, describe scenarios, and outlines the actions that you should take in case you are met by a zombie apocalypse, ensuring your survival…For a little bit. This guide is intended to give you some kind of plan for the initial stages of an invasion, not a long term, end game plan.
Terms
The first thing I will do is outline key terms for the readers. These are terms that I will refer to throughout the guide and that you will run into after you read through this.
Zombie: The quintessential being to any zombie apocalypse (duh). This is a rather generic terms for a number of beings. These beings all have a key thing in common: they are brainless, mindless killing machines that only want to kill you. There is absolutely no communication with them and there is no mercy. Aggression is their only emotion and you would be damn smart to avoid them at all costs. There are two main classifications of zombies that I will be using throughout this guide:
-The Romero Zombie: This zombie was originally popularized by our legendary director, hence its name. The most telling characteristic of a Romero Zombie is the guttural groaning sound it makes any time it sees pretty much anything - a slow, low, dull groaning sound like it just got out of bed. The 2nd main characteristic of this kind of zombie is the fact that they are stupid - painfully stupid. These dumb bastards move at the speed of snails and have the motor skills to match. They’re extremely dull, slow-minded, and can be avoided quite easily. They are only really effective in large numbers where your bullets can’t match the number of zombies. They also have an overwhelming tendency to bite as their main form of attacking. This zombie’s main drive is to eat.
-The 28 Days Later Zombie (A.K.A. the “Oh Shit” Zombie): This zombie is aptly named because it is the zombie that make you go “oh shit”. The two main characteristics of this zombie are 1) the high pitched, super-freaky, hyper-aggressive growls and screams it will issue forth upon seeing you and 2) the fact that it has largely intact motor skills, meaning it can run at basically full speed indefinitely and it will punch, kick, and scratch over biting. This zombie’s main drive is to inflict harm. This zombie was made popular by things such as 28 Days (and Weeks) Later, the recent Resident Evil games, Left4Dead, and the more modern zombie horror films. This is, quite obviously, the much more dangerous of the two zombies, mostly because it has a tendency to crash and bash itself through any barricade, obviously (as no zombies do) not caring about any physical harm it causes to itself.
-The Boss Zombie: This zombie is presented in quite a few random pop culture references, the most obvious being Left4Dead and any of the Resident Evil games. This zombie is the sole reason why you should carry a heavy weapon with you 100% of the time. You should also not tackle this zombie in a group of less than 10. This ensures that you 1) have lots of firepower and 2) have enough people to cover your escape.
Infection: A generic term to refer to the “disease” which causes zombie-ness. This can be some kind of biological disease, ala 28 Days Later or Resident Evil’s T-virus, or it can be magical mumbo-jumbo that just randomly happens and really isn’t explained ala Night of the Living Dead. The infection can be spread in two ways; 1) By direct contact - being bitten or scratched by the infected, which includes the transmission of bodily fluids (see 28 Days Later and the need to avoid getting blood in the eye/mouth/open wounds) or 2) it can be airborne and can be inhaled (see the original Resident Evil movie). Obviously, the 2nd one is just slightly more dangerous, but the 1st one is pretty much universally true - no matter what kind of zombies you run into, expect the disease to be communicable.
Zombie Apocalypse (sometimes called a Zombocalypse): This is the generic term used to refer to the widespread sightings of zombies. If zombies aren’t isolated to a single area and are multiplying in any way, it’s a zombie apocalypse, and you need to follow your emergency procedure.
Weapon: Absolutely anything that will give you distance between you and a zombie. This can include anything from a 50 cal to a fork, as long as it prevents direct contact and exposure to the infection.
The Buddy System: This is probably the single most important aspect of zombie survival. As soon as you finish reading this guide, you must come to a mutual agreement with another human being to become “zombie buddies” for the rest of your life. If a zombie apocalypse hits, the first thing that you MUST do is call your zombie buddy and meet up with him. You then commence all of your safety plans with your zombie buddy. Futhermore, if you are ever going anywhere that could even have the slightest possibility of contact with a zombie, you go with your zombie buddy (or a stand-in if he or she isn’t available). This is absolutely critical - if you’ve ever watched ANY zombie movie, you should know what happens to heroes when they go it solo.
Your Company: This refers to your larger group of people that you are holed up with in your safe house. It includes not only your buddies, but anyone in your extended network and anyone that you’ve taken in to live with you in your safe house because of the invasion. Your company is your family - you rely on them for safety and they rely on you as well. Get over your petty differences. If there’s someone that won’t shut up, put in earplugs. Killing them or kicking them out means that the zombies have one less person to kill before they get to you.
Your Safehouse: This is your sanctuary, your one place of safety. As I will explain later, it is the place that you will designate as your go-to place in case of a zombie invasion. It will be stocked full of food and ammo (and completely secured and boarded up). If it isn’t, you’re a complete failure and deserve to be bitten. An ideal place for a safe house is a place with very few entrances (this includes any kind of opening in the house - windows, doors, vents, anything). Try to make it a place with only two ground entrances (main and escape). Also make sure that it doesn’t have too many windows, has blinds, but you are able to get on the roof in case you need to snipe zombies or escape in a helicopter or whatever the situation is. Try to not make it in a dense urban area.
Your Network: Your network Is the extended list of people that you should be contacting in the event of a zombie apocalypse. This includes any of your friends or people you can tolerate in the relative vicinity of your chosen safe house. They are your team that will become your Company. They will help you stock and fortify your safe house and they help you agree on where your safe house will be.
The 10 Do’s and Don’ts of a Zombie Invasion
1) DO NOT GO SOLO.
This is the number one rule of any kind of zombie invasion. You should NEVER, EVER be alone when there is the slightest chance of you running into a zombie. All it takes is for you to be flanked by two zombies and you’re pretty much done. You’ll be bitten or infected in some way unless you have someone covering you (see The Buddy System).
I don’t care if you’re a fucking black ops veteran of 10 years, you aren’t invincible. Without someone covering you, you WILL be bitten and you WILL be screwed.
2) DO NOT IGNORE THE SIGNS.
If you even hear the faintest hint of the possibility of a zombie invasion, you need to check it out (AND DON’T GO ALONE). If you’ve watched any zombie movies, you’ll see what happens to you if you ignore the signs (a good example is Night of the Living Dead).
3) SHOOT THE DAMN THING IN THE HEAD.
Zombies only have one weakness - the brain. This is because if you destroy the brain, it stops all motor functions. This means that you should be aiming 99% of your shots, with a gun or any other kind of weapon, to the head. The only time you shouldn’t is in pure desperation when you need to shoot them to give yourself room.
4) ALWAYS MEET STRANGERS WITH A GUN.
This is mainly put in here in case your family is infected. The number one reaction that people have if they see their family as a zombie is “omg nonononono *tears roll, zombies kill you, the end*” Watch Night of the Living Dead, and near the end you’ll see Barbra get herself killed because she leaps into her zombie-brother’s arms. This is pretty much the definition of stupidity. If there is a zombie invasion and you’re my father coming at me as a zombie, I will shoot your ass right between the eyes and this is how you should react to ANYONE you know that has been turned. It is a fucking apocalypse, grow some iron balls and learn to deal with losses. Also, you should train yourself so that your first reaction, if you’re ever the least bit surprised, is to draw your gun and point it at your new guest. You should also remember to meet any new stranger by prompting them to say something - zombies can’t talk, and this is the most telltale sign that they are infected. This includes anything that isn’t human, in pretty much every zombie horror film to date, animals are able to be infected as well.
As a side note, always meet strangers with a weapon (preferably a gun). Don’t do something stupid and meet them with a video camera (ala Diary of the Dead).
5) DON’T TRUST ANYONE WHO IS NOT PART OF YOUR COMPANY.
Take a look at Resident Evil: Extinction. Near the beginning, Alice responds to a distress call (going solo because she’s a psychic badass, unlike you) in a radio station and is promptly captured and is planned to use as a sex toy before being turned over to the chained up, infected dogs. This is why you don’t trust anyone that isn’t in your company. When a zombie apocalypse hits, humanity will revert to its natural form - greedy, evil, and selfish. People will do horrible things to you just because they can, and they can because there’s no law enforcement. People will also be perfectly ready to hold you at gunpoint while they take all of your supplies, so watch for that, too. I don’t care if it’s the damn military in uniforms, they’re just as likely to strip your ass down to your boxers as anyone else. If you’ve seen Diary of the Dead or 28 Days Later, you should know what I’m talking about. Just because it’s the National Guard doesn’t mean they’re all nice and noble.
6) DON’T WALL UP IN A MALL.
While we all watched Dawn of the Dead and thought that it was funny and possibly a good idea, unless you have a helicopter on the roof readily available to escape, DO NOT MAKE YOUR SAFE HOUSE YOUR TOMB. You must ALWAYS have an escape route - there is not a single place in the world that is truly impregnable when zombies are concerned. All it takes is one zombie to get into your fortress, and as you can see in any movie (Night of the Living Dead, 28 Weeks Later, etc…) that zombies will somehow, defying any logic, even if you have trained soldiers guarding your compound, infect multiple people and compromise the entire place.
7) DON’T ENTER THE DAMN QUARANTINED ZONE.
You all know I’m referring to 28 Weeks Later. If there’s a zone that is off limits by your saviors (if the government doesn’t completely collapse and does save you), don’t fucking enter. As we all know, you will manage to find a way to fuck things up and bring back the zombies into the “safe zone”, making it not-so-safe.
8) QUARANTINE ANY SURVIVORS.
If you find any survivors, the first thing you need to do is quarantine these survivors. Look at 28 Weeks Later. If you find your wife after seeing her be attacked by zombies, don’t fucking kiss her. You know damn well that the infection is communicable and there’s NO WAY she escaped being scratched/bitten, so she’s obviously a carrier. The best way to test out a survivor is have them bite some kind of small rodent, like a rat (or a guinea pig, heh) and if it isn’t infected, you should be good. I don’t give a damn if it’s nasty - its my company’s survival over yours, so bite the damn guinea pig.
9) DON’T BRING STUPID KIDS IN YOUR COMPANY.
You should know damn well if you’ve met a kid that’s too stupid to follow the basic rules of zombie survival. Look at 28 Weeks Later. If you have one of these kids, either ditch ‘em in the street or ditch ‘em with another company. You can’t afford to have people who are going to drag the infection into your compound needlessly. Obviously, this extends to adults. Be careful though. You need to be able to accurately discern between stupid people who will drag the infection in and stupid people that you can use as meat shields.
10) DON’T STRAND YOURSELF ON AN ISLAND.
Look at the remake of Dawn of the Dead. Zombies can walk underwater and, through other illogical means, get to any island. If you trap yourself on an island, you’re fucked. You’re an idiot. You deserve to die. This is pretty simple.
The Plan
This segment will outline the plan that you should set up in case of a zombie invasion. It will go through the basics of getting your safe house set up and stocked.
1) CONFIRM THE APOCALYPSE.
The first thing you’ll want to do is confirm that there is in fact a zombie apocalypse coming. Grab a weapon, grab a partner, and go to wherever the supposed incident was. If you see the telltale signs of a zombie, go to step two. If it’s a false alarm. Smack whoever told you about it and move on with your life. This is the time when you want to see which kind of zombies are attacking; the Romero zombies or the 28 Days Later kind.
2) CALL YOUR ZOMBIE-BUDDY.
If you confirm that there are in fact zombies walking around killing people, you should immediately call your zombie-buddy and inform them. Meet up with them and then call your network to let everyone know what’s going on.
3) MEET AT YOUR SAFE HOUSE.
Obviously, you need to decide where your safe house is. Quickly consult your zombie-buddy and your closest network friends, and then decide where to go. Send out a mass text or something and make sure everyone that you can get gets to your safe house.
4) MAKE AND EXECUTE A STOCKING PLAN.
This is an extremely important part of the plan. You should split your company into smaller teams and go stock places. This includes raiding your friendly neighborhood armory for weapons, raiding the local Cub for stocks of food, raid your local ACE Hardware for tools (barbed wire, hammers, saws, wood, etc…), going anywhere that you can get basic first-aid supplies, and raiding the local Walmart for a TV, radio, and accessories (pillows, basic hygiene stuff, etc…). Make sure that you have teams of AT LEAST 4 going to each place and that they each have a vehicle and a weapon with them at all times. You also might want to send a team to steal some gas, you’ll probably need it.
5) MEEET BACK AT THE SAFE HOUSE AND FORTIFY IT.
Make sure all your teams gets back to the safe house with your supplies. This is the time to fortify your safe house. Set up fences, barbed wire, land mines, 50-cal turrets, firing stations, and board up your safe house adequately. Set up your TV and radio so you can hear any kind of news from the outside world. Also set all your supplies in a safe spot that you can get to in case zombies get in. You don’t want to be cut off from your supplies.
6) MAKE YOUR HOUSE RULES.
Gather your company together and set up rules; the buddy system, where to go when, curfew, places that are off limits, and inform everyone of the situation and remind them not to come in direct contact with zombies, ever. Also inform them as to which kind of zombies are around.
7) SET UP YOUR ESCAPE ROUTE.
Set up your escape plan with your company. Have a vehicle ready at all times at your escape entrance and make sure everybody knows where to go and when. You should have designated people to grab certain supplies if your safe house is breached, and you should have everyone immediately move towards the escape exit as a team.
The Must Have List for Any Zombie Apocalypse
Here I will list out the must-haves in terms of supplies in case of a zombie apocalypse.
1) Food. doesn’t matter what, just something edible.
2) Water. Duh. Grab as many packs of water bottles you can find at Walmart/your grocery store and stock up. Also, your running water shouldn’t stop for at least a week or two.
3) Weapons. Preferably guns. Must haves include a pistol for each person, several assault rifles and shotguns, some basic rifles. Other weapons include grenades, chainsaws, axes, bats, C4, flamethrowers, 50-cals, and any other weapons you can find.
4) Hygiene supplies. I don’t care if an apocalypse comes, I don’t want the stank all over my safe house because you don’t take a shower and brush your teeth.
5) A TV. You’ll need so you can see emergency broadcasts.
6) A radio. See TV.
7) Vehicles. Pool your Company’s vehicles. Have several at hand at all times. Preferably, you’ll want at least one (if not several) open-topped vehicles so you can shoot out of them more easily.
8) Gas. Get a pool of gas for your cars. You don’t want to run out of gas and be fucked in the middle of no where on a road surrounded by zombies.
9) Medical supples. It's always good to have a basic first-aid kit with.
Zombie Tactics
I will now analyze the tactics you should use to fight each type of zombie.
The Romero Zombie
The Romero zombie is slow, dumb, and not too powerful. Their main power is in numbers and this is how you should fight them. You should stock your safe house full of weapons that can do mass carnage - namely, lots of explosives. Grenades, rocket launchers, C4, RPG’s, napalm, land mines, they all work. The next thing on your list should be should be flamethrowers and fully automatic guns (machine guns, assault rifles, SMG’s, etc…). It is much easier to take out mass zombies with these weapons. Flames work especially well because they are surely going to cripple or immobilize your target before they get to you and flames spread very quickly. Try to stay away from shotguns, snipe rifles, and hard hitting individual weapons. While the boomstick is nice, loud and shiny and everyone loves it, it’s not as effective against a massive horde as a fully automatic gun is.
The main tactic you should use against these zombies is the team push. Wherever you’re going, be it scoping out a supposedly abandoned house or fighting a horde in a field, make sure your team is close together and work together to cover all sides. The way these zombies get you is to surround you and outnumber you. As long as all your flanks are covered, you should be good. Remember - aim for the heads and always be watching your buddies. You shouldn’t lose a teammate because you’re lollygagging. Also, keep up. If you’ve ever played Left4Dead, you know how annoying it is when 1 team member lags behind and won’t keep up. You MUST keep moving (although don’t move too fast, you do NOT want to split up, EVER). If you stay in one spot, you’ll draw the entire county’s zombies to that one location.
The Oh Shit Zombie
This is the zombie that will make you shit your pants if you see a lot of them. They most fast, hit hard, and are relentlessly brutal. There’s plenty of them, so don’t be fooled by the fact that each of them is a serious threat by themselves. Your number one weapon should be an assault rifle. It hits hard enough and it shoots frequently enough that it can stop this zombie in its tracks and take several of them out at the same e. While assault rifles are the best, any fully automatic weapon will do. Explosives are also pretty good to have. Grenades, C4, RPG’s and rocket launchers can take out clusters of them, just keep the explosive away from you as it explodes. You can also mix in a few shotguns and high powered rifles. These are good for keeping these quick bastards back, especially when they run at you in a full sprint. Keep one or two of each in your team along with your fully automatic weapons. You really should stay away from fire with these zombies. Unless you know that the attacking zombies will immediately stop and flail in pain if they are set on fire, DON’T SET THEM ON FIRE. The last thing you want is a flaming Hunter (ala Left4Dead) leaping on top of you and setting you on fire while ripping you apart at the same time.
The main strategy you should use here is the mixed push. The number one rule here is MOVE FAST and keep moving together. Like I said, mix your group with high powered weapons and fully automatic weapons and push as a group, watching your flanks. Move to your location fast and purposefully, and don’t stop. Unless you are in a powerful fortification, these zombies will rip you apart if you stay in one place. Also, make sure you use LOTS of cover. This will help cover your backs and will also mean that you aren’t being hit at all angles at the same time.
The Boss Zombie
This is the zombie that makes you restart your games, that makes you waste all your ammo, that leaves you at 1 life every time when there’s a horde of other zombies coming. The main weapons you should use are high powered weapons. Shotguns, high powered rifles, rocket launchers, 50-cals, nukes, whatever you can get your hands on that does a LOT of damage. Fully automatic weapons can work if the boss zombie is phased by them, but if not, you probably want to stick to hard hitters. Flames are also very bad for this same reason. If they don’t phase the boss monster, then he’ll just set you on fire.
The main tactic here is to separate so your team can’t be hit all at once and try to trap the boss zombie in a place where it’s hard to get to you. A nice spot for this is a rooftop or rafter above where the boss zombie is. For the love of God, you do not want to stop moving at any point because if you do, that’s just asking the zombie to wind up and give you a nice punch to the face. This also applies to any Licker or Hunters types that are fast and will rip you up.
That’s the end of my essential guide. I hope it was helpful to you. If you have any more questions, just ask and I’ll add it to the guide!
COMMUNITY ADVICE
1) STAY AWAY FROM RELIGIOUS PEOPLE
This is a fantastic rule. Religious people will probably rant about how the world is going to end and how this is what we deserve and yadayadayada. They are extremely likely to get you killed in any kind of serious event and will probably do it on purpose if they're any kind of devout fanatic. It's just safer to stay away from these types.
2) TRY TO GET MEDICAL PERSONNEL
While it may be hard to do so, it's definitely a bonus if you can get someone who's medically trained in your company. They can help with any serious medical problems.
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. Im going to read that book one day though.
