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Austin10833 Posts
I post before you, my fellow TeamLiquidians, not a man today, but a miserable husk, relegated to the smothering shadow of my own potential. Long has great Apollo taunted me, blinding the world around me as I sit facing the ceaseless eclipse, crying laments that echo solely off the barren cavern of my hollow existence.
What, you ask, could merit such abject despair?
It’s simple, friends. I can’t grow a decent god damned beard.
It grows in fine under my chin and on most of my neck, but there are patches on both sides of my face where the “beard” simply won’t meet my sideburns. It grows in hideously patchy, like I’m afflicted with some bizarre localized mange, or like part of my face has been grafted with hairless cat skin.
I want my words to cannon out of my mouth, like barbs of lava out of my gorgeously hairy facial volcano. Instead, they putter out like farts from a baboon’s ass. I want my opponents to be so mesmerized by my glorious visage that their penises recoil into their bodies as a sign of respect.
How am I supposed to channel my inner Hemingway, my inner Shaw, my inner Leonidas, when all my pathetic face can muster is a glorified clump of eyelashes?
As such, I throw myself on the mercy of you, brothers! Share with me your secrets, your facial hair witchcraft. Spells, prayers, ritualistic animal sacrifices, nothing is too much. I’m willing to go the distance to achieve the full potential of my latent manliness.
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Korea (South)17174 Posts
Hahahahahahahahaha nice post. I have no idea though : [
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Kennigit
Canada19447 Posts
i only grow hair on the right side of my neck. I'm not sure whats wrong with the left side. Maybe some of us were just meant to be Leonidas's accomplish with the long blond hair
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Australia3818 Posts
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Norway28865 Posts
man
I could grow a decent beard if I wanted to but fuck i have the exact opposite problem
I fucking hate the fuck out of fucking facial hair and the shaving that goes with it
if I could take some kind of pill to leave my splendid face as soft and hairless as a baby's bottom I would be overjoyed
=[
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Eh, I only grow facial hair on my chin and above my mouth (stache), if it grows anywhere else it's just a couple strands or so that are kinda thin and thus transparent anyway.
But my excuse here is that I'm Asian. Doesn't look like you have one, so have fun living the life of a pansy man, nancy.
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Austin10833 Posts
Well Smurg, in my darkest hour, this option presented itself to me. "Shaves us, glue us to your face!" they cried at me. Even now, I have to shower with boxers on, lest they leer at me, jeering me with their playful, carefree waving.
Oh, and Eri, there is such a pill. It's called Estrogen.
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Austin10833 Posts
Fuck you panorama. One day you'll wake up, and my smiling face will be framed by a blindingly handsome beard, hovering over you.
It will be the last thing you ever see.
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Austin10833 Posts
That man is my father. For seven years he had his beard fashioned into a crude whip, and his face molded into a disapproving scowl.
My beard was just never good enough. Now you know my private shame.
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BroOd, some people weren't meant to grow facial hair and have beards. Why don't you just accept the fact that your not a Man and move on with the knowledge you are an independent Woman.
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Did you just finish reading an incredibly epic book or something?
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Austin10833 Posts
The only thing epic here is my struggle.
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Austin10833 Posts
On March 27 2007 04:57 HumbleZealot wrote:
BroOd, some people weren't meant to grow facial hair and have beards. Why don't you just accept the fact that your not a Man and move on with the knowledge you are an independent Woman.
We'll see who's a woman when I show up on your doorstep flaunting a brilliant mane of pure manliness.
All you will remember is being hit by a wrecking ball covered in brillo pads.
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On March 27 2007 04:56 BroOd wrote:
That man is my father. For seven years he had his beard fashioned into a crude whip, and his face molded into a disapproving scowl.
this was pretty fucking hilarious
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Valhalla18444 Posts
well brood i
dunno what to do to
help you heh you're
kinda shit outta
luck sorry i have to
type like this i gotta
shave between words some
times
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Austin10833 Posts
One day, Steve, I'll keep you in a little cage, where you'll groom my beard like one of those chimps picking bugs out of the other chimp's back.
You'll ask to be let free, and I'll laugh heartily, before slapping you into a respectful silence with my man beard.
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Beards suck man; be glad you don't have to shave so often!
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Valhalla18444 Posts
anyways a man with weed is better
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Austin10833 Posts
On March 27 2007 05:23 ilovezil wrote:
Beards suck man; be glad you don't have to shave so often!
I have to endure all the drawbacks of shaving without ever experiencing the glory that is a rugged, handsome beard.
It's like jerking off every day and never having an orgasm.
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EPT
