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A Man In Need

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BroOd
Profile Blog Joined April 2003
Austin10831 Posts
March 26 2007 19:34 GMT
#1
I post before you, my fellow TeamLiquidians, not a man today, but a miserable husk, relegated to the smothering shadow of my own potential. Long has great Apollo taunted me, blinding the world around me as I sit facing the ceaseless eclipse, crying laments that echo solely off the barren cavern of my hollow existence.

What, you ask, could merit such abject despair?

It’s simple, friends. I can’t grow a decent god damned beard.

It grows in fine under my chin and on most of my neck, but there are patches on both sides of my face where the “beard” simply won’t meet my sideburns. It grows in hideously patchy, like I’m afflicted with some bizarre localized mange, or like part of my face has been grafted with hairless cat skin.

I want my words to cannon out of my mouth, like barbs of lava out of my gorgeously hairy facial volcano. Instead, they putter out like farts from a baboon’s ass. I want my opponents to be so mesmerized by my glorious visage that their penises recoil into their bodies as a sign of respect.

How am I supposed to channel my inner Hemingway, my inner Shaw, my inner Leonidas, when all my pathetic face can muster is a glorified clump of eyelashes?

As such, I throw myself on the mercy of you, brothers! Share with me your secrets, your facial hair witchcraft. Spells, prayers, ritualistic animal sacrifices, nothing is too much. I’m willing to go the distance to achieve the full potential of my latent manliness.
ModeratorSIRL and JLIG.
Rekrul
Profile Blog Joined November 2002
Korea (South)17174 Posts
March 26 2007 19:36 GMT
#2
Hahahahahahahahaha nice post. I have no idea though : [
why so 진지해?
Kennigit *
Profile Blog Joined October 2006
Canada19447 Posts
March 26 2007 19:36 GMT
#3
i only grow hair on the right side of my neck. I'm not sure whats wrong with the left side. Maybe some of us were just meant to be Leonidas's accomplish with the long blond hair
Smurg
Profile Blog Joined November 2004
Australia3818 Posts
March 26 2007 19:37 GMT
#4
SUPPLEMENTARY PUBES.
Liquid`Drone
Profile Joined September 2002
Norway28689 Posts
March 26 2007 19:40 GMT
#5
man
I could grow a decent beard if I wanted to but fuck i have the exact opposite problem
I fucking hate the fuck out of fucking facial hair and the shaving that goes with it
if I could take some kind of pill to leave my splendid face as soft and hairless as a baby's bottom I would be overjoyed
=[
Moderator
PanoRaMa
Profile Blog Joined June 2003
United States5069 Posts
March 26 2007 19:41 GMT
#6
Eh, I only grow facial hair on my chin and above my mouth (stache), if it grows anywhere else it's just a couple strands or so that are kinda thin and thus transparent anyway.

But my excuse here is that I'm Asian. Doesn't look like you have one, so have fun living the life of a pansy man, nancy.
BroOd
Profile Blog Joined April 2003
Austin10831 Posts
March 26 2007 19:43 GMT
#7
Well Smurg, in my darkest hour, this option presented itself to me. "Shaves us, glue us to your face!" they cried at me. Even now, I have to shower with boxers on, lest they leer at me, jeering me with their playful, carefree waving.

Oh, and Eri, there is such a pill. It's called Estrogen.
ModeratorSIRL and JLIG.
BroOd
Profile Blog Joined April 2003
Austin10831 Posts
March 26 2007 19:45 GMT
#8
Fuck you panorama. One day you'll wake up, and my smiling face will be framed by a blindingly handsome beard, hovering over you.

It will be the last thing you ever see.
ModeratorSIRL and JLIG.
Jathin
Profile Blog Joined February 2005
United States3505 Posts
Last Edited: 2007-03-26 19:53:41
March 26 2007 19:53 GMT
#9
--- Nuked ---
BroOd
Profile Blog Joined April 2003
Austin10831 Posts
Last Edited: 2007-03-26 19:56:45
March 26 2007 19:56 GMT
#10
That man is my father. For seven years he had his beard fashioned into a crude whip, and his face molded into a disapproving scowl.

My beard was just never good enough. Now you know my private shame.
ModeratorSIRL and JLIG.
HumbleZealot
Profile Joined February 2006
Canada508 Posts
March 26 2007 19:57 GMT
#11
BroOd, some people weren't meant to grow facial hair and have beards. Why don't you just accept the fact that your not a Man and move on with the knowledge you are an independent Woman.
Bond(i2)
Profile Blog Joined June 2006
Canada926 Posts
March 26 2007 20:00 GMT
#12
Did you just finish reading an incredibly epic book or something?
roses are red violets are blue, Im schitzophrenic and so am i
BroOd
Profile Blog Joined April 2003
Austin10831 Posts
March 26 2007 20:03 GMT
#13
The only thing epic here is my struggle.
ModeratorSIRL and JLIG.
BroOd
Profile Blog Joined April 2003
Austin10831 Posts
Last Edited: 2007-03-26 20:07:58
March 26 2007 20:07 GMT
#14
On March 27 2007 04:57 HumbleZealot wrote:
BroOd, some people weren't meant to grow facial hair and have beards. Why don't you just accept the fact that your not a Man and move on with the knowledge you are an independent Woman.


We'll see who's a woman when I show up on your doorstep flaunting a brilliant mane of pure manliness.

All you will remember is being hit by a wrecking ball covered in brillo pads.
ModeratorSIRL and JLIG.
Deleted User 3420
Profile Blog Joined May 2003
24492 Posts
March 26 2007 20:12 GMT
#15
On March 27 2007 04:56 BroOd wrote:
That man is my father. For seven years he had his beard fashioned into a crude whip, and his face molded into a disapproving scowl.


this was pretty fucking hilarious
FakeSteve[TPR]
Profile Blog Joined July 2003
Valhalla18444 Posts
March 26 2007 20:12 GMT
#16
well brood i

dunno what to do to

help you heh you're

kinda shit outta

luck sorry i have to

type like this i gotta

shave between words some

times
Moderatormy tatsu loops r fuckin nice
BroOd
Profile Blog Joined April 2003
Austin10831 Posts
March 26 2007 20:18 GMT
#17
One day, Steve, I'll keep you in a little cage, where you'll groom my beard like one of those chimps picking bugs out of the other chimp's back.

You'll ask to be let free, and I'll laugh heartily, before slapping you into a respectful silence with my man beard.
ModeratorSIRL and JLIG.
ilovezil
Profile Blog Joined August 2006
United States4143 Posts
March 26 2007 20:23 GMT
#18
Beards suck man; be glad you don't have to shave so often!
FakeSteve[TPR]
Profile Blog Joined July 2003
Valhalla18444 Posts
March 26 2007 20:26 GMT
#19
anyways a man with weed is better
Moderatormy tatsu loops r fuckin nice
BroOd
Profile Blog Joined April 2003
Austin10831 Posts
March 26 2007 20:37 GMT
#20
On March 27 2007 05:23 ilovezil wrote:
Beards suck man; be glad you don't have to shave so often!


I have to endure all the drawbacks of shaving without ever experiencing the glory that is a rugged, handsome beard.

It's like jerking off every day and never having an orgasm.
ModeratorSIRL and JLIG.
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