Per fakesteve's request, I'll make a thread on quotes I transcribed (from his 2 CDs, and the Comedy Central special) from one of the greatest comedians to ever live. Read a few, have a good laugh, etc.
I like an escalator man, because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an "ecalator out of order" sign, only an "escalator temporarily stairs... sorry for the convenience."
I rent a lot of cars because I go on the road, and when I drive a rental car I don't know what's going on with it right... so a lot of times I drive for like 10 miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the *emergency* *brake*.
You can't please all the people all the time, and last night, all those people were at my show.
I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, 'cause then I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation... zipper it up really quick? *zip* *zip* "Fuck you."
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's like the only disease you can get yelled at for having. "Damnit Otto, you're an alcoholic." "Damnit Otto, you have Lupis." One of those two doesn't sound right.
I play golf, I'm not good at golf, I never got good, I never got a hole-in-one... but I did hit a guy. And that's waaaaay more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "Fore", but I was too busy mumbling, "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him."
It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven, sometimes I just throw one in there, even if I don't want one. And by the time it's done... who knows.
My friend did this to me, he came up to me and he said "Hey you know what I like? Mashed potatoes." It's like "Dude, you gotta give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there."
I was at a casino, I was standing by the door, and a security guard came up and said "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking the fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store and stand in the lunchmeat section for too long you start to get pissed off at turkeys. You see like Turkey-Ham, Turkey-Pastromi, Turkey-Balogna... somebody needs to tell the turkeys "Man... just be yourself."
Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers, and when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it's kind've like they're saying "Here... you throw this away."
I was at a bar, I was minding my own business, no one was talking to me cause I had just did a show. This guy bumped into me which is cool, but he didn't apologize, he said "Move", and I thought that was rude so I said "Go to hell", and then I started to run. He caught up with me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earings, a pair of sunglasses, his hair was in a ponytail, and he was wearing a hat. Hey said "Hey, you got a lot of nerve." I said "Hey, you got a lot of... cranium accessories." *crowd laughs* This is a smart crowd here, when I play the dumb crowd, I gotta say "You got a lot of shit on your head."
Acid was my favorite drug, acid expanded my mind. Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margerine. I saw through the bullshit.
When I was on acid, I would see things, like Beams of Lights. And I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like Car Horns.
I think Pringle's initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. And Pringles is a laid back company, they said "Fuck it, cut 'em up!"
I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said fuck that, I'll just make a copy.
My hotel doesn't have a 13th floor because of superstition, but come on man, people on the 14th floor, you know what floor you're really on. "What room are you in?" "1401" "No you're not! Jump out the window, you will die earlier!" Because 13 is an unlucky number, right? Well that's what the letter B should be right, because B looks like a scrunched together 13. "Hello, what is your name?" "Bob" "Get the fuck away!"
They say the recipe for sprite is lemon and lime, I tried to make it at home, but there's more to it than that.
I order a club sandwhich all the time, but I'm not even a member man, I don't know how I get away with it.
I saw this whino, he was eating grapes... it's like, Dude, you have to wait.
I was gonna have my teeth whitened, but then I said fuck that, I'll just get a tan instead.
Fish are always eating other fish, if fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going "Ahh fuck! I thought I looked like that rock!"
I went to a Doctor, all he did was suck blood from my neck, don't ever go see Dr. Acula.
I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box, I want my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. Snap, Krackel, Mitch, and Pop. "Hey, how the fuck did he do that?" Hey, in Hollywood it's all about who you know, and I know Krackel.
I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match, they said "It's a fight to the finish"... that's a good place to end.
I had a paper route when I was a kid, I was a paper boy, I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses... or 2 dumpsters.
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
I tried to walk into Target, but I missed.
I'd like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks... it would be so damn literal!
You know, I'm sick of following my dreams man... I'm just gonna ask where they're going, and hook up with 'em later.
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure he did not start to load shit into a truck.
I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.
You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
On a traffic light, green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana, it's just the opposite... green means hold on. Yellow means go ahead. And red means, "Where the fuck did you get that banana at?"
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
I know a lot about cars... I could look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I say the word "totally" too much, I need to change it, I need to use a word that is different but means the same... "Mitch, do you like submarine sandwhiches?" "All encompassingly."
This shirt is dry-clean only, which means it's dirty.
I've seen a human pyramid before... it was very unnecessary.
My lucky number is 4 billion, that doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on 4 billion... fuck, 7. Not even close. I need some more dice."
I was in a park, I saw a kid flying a kite, he was so excited his kite was in the sky, I dunno why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now had he had a chair on the other end of that string, I woulda known... imagine trying to fly a chair, you'd have to run like a motherfucker.
If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker and you were walking down the sidewalk with him, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I used to do drugs... I still do, but I used to, too.
I think Pringle's initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. And Pringles is a laid back company, they said "Fuck it, cut 'em up!"
uhh, wtf? Second half of the jokes I have never heard before. I have seen his TV special and the CD which chuck on it. Not all the jokes, but some I havn't heard before..
"Don't fuck up the beat chuck"
Where are the second half of the jokes from?
"My appartment is infested with koala bears, it's the cutest infestation ever"
If 13 is an unlucky number, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association. Mitch: 12, I know I saw you with 13. Twelve: No I wasn't, I was with 11. You talk to 14 about that shit. Mitch: What do you have to say, 14? Fourteen: Me divided by 2 equals 7... alright, I was with 13, shit.
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I have an oscillating fan at home; it looks like it's saying 'Noo...' so I like to ask it questions that a fan would say 'no' to. Mitch: Do you keep my hair in place? *fan turns from side to side, meaning no* Mitch: Do you keep my documents in order? *fan turns from side to side, meaning no* Mitch: Do you have three settings? *fan turns from side to side, meaning no* Mitch: Liar! My fan fuckin' lied to me! Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin' shit!
Maybe im missing him telling the jokes, but i found only a couple remotely funny. Many are far-fetched word jokes (Dr.Akula), which aren't even funny when you're drunk. Other are just stupid dumb, like the 2 ones above this.
On March 27 2006 13:19 Eniram wrote: "I saw this whino, he was eating grapes... it's like, Dude, you have to wait."
I never got this. Can someone explain it to me?
You make wine from grapes...
On March 27 2006 18:00 aseq wrote: Maybe im missing him telling the jokes, but i found only a couple remotely funny. Many are far-fetched word jokes (Dr.Akula), which aren't even funny when you're drunk. Other are just stupid dumb, like the 2 ones above this.
His jokes are really about the delivery, more than the content. You have to hear them, really.
I've had that girlfriend joke in my sig for a long time, it's one of my favorite ones, and the only one that'd fit.
i totally agree.. when i read these I have mitch in my head so they're funny... because I've seen so much of his comedy. You need to listen to the man to find it funny.
I can't believe u missed the one where he's playing loud music and his neighbour is banging on the walls.. and then he tells him to walk around coz he can't open the wall or something
I went to a pizzaria and ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it"!
On March 27 2006 21:17 EvilTeletubby wrote: Well, seeing as 90% of Hedberg's comedy is in the delivery, I've uploaded his two CDs for your listening pleasure:
Edit: Revolve, I think the second half of the jokes are from his First CD, "Strategic Grill Locations." Ie, The one he had to leave in stores. "Nah, that's for sale. Please alphabetize it."
On March 28 2006 20:44 EvilTeletubby wrote: Oh, and before anyone complains, yes, I'm aware one of them has a little playback loop in it (skips back about a minute once).
Is that the full album? Was I not paying attention, or did he not make the joke about when he worked in a restaurant and his manger gave him strategic grill locations?
By the way, whether I was not paying attention, or it wasn't on there, that shit was great. Thanks a lot, man.
EPT
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