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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On September 04 2018 05:15 mantequilla wrote:
I met a girl online although not on a dating site so focus was not on dating but some friendly chat. I wasn't even sure she was a she for a while.
Yeah just ask her out. "Hey lets grab a drink/ go for a walk when I get back from B". If you're scared she won't think it's a date you can say something like "Great, it's a date!" when she says yes.
On September 04 2018 12:35 Emnjay808 wrote:
Was seeing a girl for a good while. I srsly liked her a lot. Found out today she was also seeing someone else.
I feel numb as shit. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.
Yeah, that sucks. How long is a "a good while"?
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Since Summer.
I’m trying very hard to stay mentally strong. Gonna do my best to distract myself from this shittyness by running every evening and going gym early in the morning. I guess it also helps that I started a full-time job which acquires a lot of attention to detail for my training.
All things considered my life could be worst.
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There is little chance that I wont like her face to face because I am alone for a long time
Just want to add that this is not the best motivation for dating a girl lol. Even if you've been single for some time, make sure she's actually what you want to be dating. Speaking from experience here, you don't want to start dating a girl simply because you've been single for some years and she's "nice enough", and then break up 2,5 years down the line because there's too many issues.
Was seeing a girl for a good while. I srsly liked her a lot. Found out today she was also seeing someone else.
I feel numb as shit. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.
Did you talk about exclusivity at some point? I find that nowadays lots of people take it for granted that you are dating multiple ppl at the same time. I don't mind because I do the same, but I do want to clear this up on a first date with someone so there are no wrong expectations.
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Didn’t have an official talk about it but she did hide this other person from me for god knows how long. So whether or not we didnt have a talk about a open/closed relationship I still feel cheated.
Analyzing things now seems pointless. I’m just feeling whatever. Doing my best to look forward.
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On September 04 2018 16:07 Laurens wrote:Show nested quote +There is little chance that I wont like her face to face because I am alone for a long time Just want to add that this is not the best motivation for dating a girl lol. Even if you've been single for some time, make sure she's actually what you want to be dating. Speaking from experience here, you don't want to start dating a girl simply because you've been single for some years and she's "nice enough", and then break up 2,5 years down the line because there's too many issues. Show nested quote +Was seeing a girl for a good while. I srsly liked her a lot. Found out today she was also seeing someone else.
I feel numb as shit. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. Did you talk about exclusivity at some point? I find that nowadays lots of people take it for granted that you are dating multiple ppl at the same time. I don't mind because I do the same, but I do want to clear this up on a first date with someone so there are no wrong expectations.
dafuq? is this a thing now?
i dont really date people of western culture so i dont have the experience myself but id assume that the majority of people still think being monogamous is standard?
to be clear im talking about an actual relationship, not the "casual dating" phase as i dont think emnjay would describe his relationship with the girl as such
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On September 04 2018 16:32 evilfatsh1t wrote:Show nested quote +On September 04 2018 16:07 Laurens wrote:There is little chance that I wont like her face to face because I am alone for a long time Just want to add that this is not the best motivation for dating a girl lol. Even if you've been single for some time, make sure she's actually what you want to be dating. Speaking from experience here, you don't want to start dating a girl simply because you've been single for some years and she's "nice enough", and then break up 2,5 years down the line because there's too many issues. Was seeing a girl for a good while. I srsly liked her a lot. Found out today she was also seeing someone else.
I feel numb as shit. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. Did you talk about exclusivity at some point? I find that nowadays lots of people take it for granted that you are dating multiple ppl at the same time. I don't mind because I do the same, but I do want to clear this up on a first date with someone so there are no wrong expectations. dafuq? is this a thing now? i dont really date people of western culture so i dont have the experience myself but id assume that the majority of people still think being monogamous is standard? to be clear im talking about an actual relationship, not the "casual dating" phase as i dont think emnjay would describe his relationship with the girl as such
I was talking about the casual dating phase. When you're in a relationship monogamy is still the standard yeah 
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On September 04 2018 16:07 Laurens wrote:Show nested quote +There is little chance that I wont like her face to face because I am alone for a long time Just want to add that this is not the best motivation for dating a girl lol. Even if you've been single for some time, make sure she's actually what you want to be dating. Speaking from experience here, you don't want to start dating a girl simply because you've been single for some years and she's "nice enough", and then break up 2,5 years down the line because there's too many issues.
Agreed. Don't date someone because you would like to be with someone. Date someone because you want to be with that person. Anything else is not gonna end well in the long term. Being alone is fine too. Better than a shitty relationship that you know doesn't actually work.
It also makes it far more likely to work. Because if you date someone, but would really date anyone just to not be alone, that is gonna bleed over into the relationship. Few people are fine with being "anyone". Most people want someone that wants them, specifically, not as a placeholder that fits the spot of "girl".
As such, maybe don't go into this with the goal of "i want to be with anyone, and this girl might be interested". Just get to know her and do fun stuff together. It's better to be alone than to be in a shitty relationship. And if you get to know her, and are of the opinion that she is actually someone you might want to be with, go for it.
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My girlfriend of 3.5 years is leaving for Erasmus to study abroad for 3+months
To Scotland where I used to live for 8 years of all places hah
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On September 04 2018 21:05 Simberto wrote:Show nested quote +On September 04 2018 16:07 Laurens wrote:There is little chance that I wont like her face to face because I am alone for a long time Just want to add that this is not the best motivation for dating a girl lol. Even if you've been single for some time, make sure she's actually what you want to be dating. Speaking from experience here, you don't want to start dating a girl simply because you've been single for some years and she's "nice enough", and then break up 2,5 years down the line because there's too many issues. Agreed. Don't date someone because you would like to be with someone. Date someone because you want to be with that person. Anything else is not gonna end well in the long term. Being alone is fine too. Better than a shitty relationship that you know doesn't actually work. It also makes it far more likely to work. Because if you date someone, but would really date anyone just to not be alone, that is gonna bleed over into the relationship. Few people are fine with being "anyone". Most people want someone that wants them, specifically, not as a placeholder that fits the spot of "girl". As such, maybe don't go into this with the goal of "i want to be with anyone, and this girl might be interested". Just get to know her and do fun stuff together. It's better to be alone than to be in a shitty relationship. And if you get to know her, and are of the opinion that she is actually someone you might want to be with, go for it.
Pandora's box is opened in our tonight's chat and a lot of issues raised, as usual. This is maybe my 5th girl in a row that I find likeable but is unavailable or have some serious issues. Really tired of this shit.
She was with someone for about 4 years and she wanted to get serious, the guy didn't. At the end they broke up a few months ago and she was very depressed. She says she is recovering now and wants to focus on her own etc. so she is not available for a relationship for a long while.
I'm still gonna try to convince her to hang out while recovering just for you know, I'm tired of being alone. Don't have much hope though.
Being alone is better than a shitty relationship, but up to a point. When you start to lose a lot of confidence, energy, become depressed, because you are alone while the lowest level of men being couples, its kinda even I guess?
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On September 05 2018 10:10 mantequilla wrote:Show nested quote +On September 04 2018 21:05 Simberto wrote:On September 04 2018 16:07 Laurens wrote:There is little chance that I wont like her face to face because I am alone for a long time Just want to add that this is not the best motivation for dating a girl lol. Even if you've been single for some time, make sure she's actually what you want to be dating. Speaking from experience here, you don't want to start dating a girl simply because you've been single for some years and she's "nice enough", and then break up 2,5 years down the line because there's too many issues. Agreed. Don't date someone because you would like to be with someone. Date someone because you want to be with that person. Anything else is not gonna end well in the long term. Being alone is fine too. Better than a shitty relationship that you know doesn't actually work. It also makes it far more likely to work. Because if you date someone, but would really date anyone just to not be alone, that is gonna bleed over into the relationship. Few people are fine with being "anyone". Most people want someone that wants them, specifically, not as a placeholder that fits the spot of "girl". As such, maybe don't go into this with the goal of "i want to be with anyone, and this girl might be interested". Just get to know her and do fun stuff together. It's better to be alone than to be in a shitty relationship. And if you get to know her, and are of the opinion that she is actually someone you might want to be with, go for it. Pandora's box is opened in our tonight's chat and a lot of issues raised, as usual. This is maybe my 5th girl in a row that I find likeable but is unavailable or have some serious issues. Really tired of this shit. She was with someone for about 4 years and she wanted to get serious, the guy didn't. At the end they broke up a few months ago and she was very depressed. She says she is recovering now and wants to focus on her own etc. so she is not available for a relationship for a long while. I'm still gonna try to convince her to hang out while recovering just for you know, I'm tired of being alone. Don't have much hope though.
This is gonna sound somewhat harsh but that's no way to court woman.
You can't chat someone up like she is your best friend, share everything platonically, and then pretend to start dating, most woman don't like like that. The word "friend zone" exists for a reason.
You can casually chat with someone/meet someone/etc and then ask her out.
Exceptions do exist but it's really really hard to pull off and it seems you are constantly aproaching it wrongly.
Do not match up your self worth with dating. It's just a skill like any other, you need to learn it.
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On September 05 2018 10:20 GoTuNk! wrote:Show nested quote +On September 05 2018 10:10 mantequilla wrote:On September 04 2018 21:05 Simberto wrote:On September 04 2018 16:07 Laurens wrote:There is little chance that I wont like her face to face because I am alone for a long time Just want to add that this is not the best motivation for dating a girl lol. Even if you've been single for some time, make sure she's actually what you want to be dating. Speaking from experience here, you don't want to start dating a girl simply because you've been single for some years and she's "nice enough", and then break up 2,5 years down the line because there's too many issues. Agreed. Don't date someone because you would like to be with someone. Date someone because you want to be with that person. Anything else is not gonna end well in the long term. Being alone is fine too. Better than a shitty relationship that you know doesn't actually work. It also makes it far more likely to work. Because if you date someone, but would really date anyone just to not be alone, that is gonna bleed over into the relationship. Few people are fine with being "anyone". Most people want someone that wants them, specifically, not as a placeholder that fits the spot of "girl". As such, maybe don't go into this with the goal of "i want to be with anyone, and this girl might be interested". Just get to know her and do fun stuff together. It's better to be alone than to be in a shitty relationship. And if you get to know her, and are of the opinion that she is actually someone you might want to be with, go for it. Pandora's box is opened in our tonight's chat and a lot of issues raised, as usual. This is maybe my 5th girl in a row that I find likeable but is unavailable or have some serious issues. Really tired of this shit. She was with someone for about 4 years and she wanted to get serious, the guy didn't. At the end they broke up a few months ago and she was very depressed. She says she is recovering now and wants to focus on her own etc. so she is not available for a relationship for a long while. I'm still gonna try to convince her to hang out while recovering just for you know, I'm tired of being alone. Don't have much hope though. This is gonna sound somewhat harsh but that's no way to court woman. You can't chat someone up like she is your best friend, share everything platonically, and then pretend to start dating, most woman don't like like that. The word "friend zone" exists for a reason. You can casually chat with someone/meet someone/etc and then ask her out. Exceptions do exist but it's really really hard to pull off and it seems you are constantly aproaching it wrongly. Do not match up your self worth with dating. It's just a skill like any other, you need to learn it.
I can't completely understand that although I know it has some truth. I need to talk to a woman to know a little about her, and since we are not close right now texting is a way. I did some casual fun chat without being sexual or flirty and at some point she opens up and tells her status. I don't know of it was possible to completely bypass her situation and immediately seduce her but yeah there are girl magnet guys that can pull any standard girl in any situation. I don't understand the mechanics though
Btw I never got friendzoned. If a girl I like is available, I ask her out after a bit knowing her. But somehow everyone I bump into is either in a relationship already, deeply in love with someone else but he doesn't want her, or depressed after a serious relationship. Bad luck plus I don't get in places where available girls are abundant. I work at a technopolis where there are 20 high earning good guys for every girl :D and I don't have much life outside there
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I guess online dating is à way to put yourself outhere . But would try to Do stuff outside of jobs and try to meet new people.
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My long time closest friend is dating a girl who graduated from a top tier university, has an aristocrat family, and is quite nice.
I'm happy for him because he found such a girl, there's no jealousy or anything like that.
But I'm having a complete mental breakdown for a while. I consider my friend pretty similar to me by many aspects, but I am alone for quite some time, and I cannot imagine a girl like his gf would ever be interested in me.
That has only one logical explanation. There's something very wrong with me that I am ignoring for a long time. Say me and my friend are %90 similar. The remaining %10 must be so huge because he is having such a relationship while I can't get any girl to get interested in me.
I was thinking myself at his level of society but it seems it was just an illusion because we were friends for a long time. And I am way lower than I was thinking.
Everything I have seems worthless. His gf is talking about scientific discussions she had with her mother. I don't even have a gf and my mom talks about potato dish at her highest level. My mom is worthless. Dad is worthless. My little brother is just a child that's too similar to me and will grow into someone as worthless as me.
Only thing I have is a very little intelligence that I used all up to become an ordinary engineer. I don't have any quality beside that apparently.
This girlfriend business is totally ripping me off of any self confidence and worth. There are two ways that I can feel ok again. First is to painfully accept the reality and just continue to breath until death. Second is to find a gf who can validate me, which feels impossible now.
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On September 07 2018 10:04 mantequilla wrote:
My long time closest friend is dating a girl who graduated from a top tier university, has an aristocrat family, and is quite nice.
I'm happy for him because he found such a girl, there's no jealousy or anything like that.
But I'm having a complete mental breakdown for a while. I consider my friend pretty similar to me by many aspects, but I am alone for quite some time, and I cannot imagine a girl like his gf would ever be interested in me.
That has only one logical explanation. There's something very wrong with me that I am ignoring for a long time. Say me and my friend are %90 similar. The remaining %10 must be so huge because he is having such a relationship while I can't get any girl to get interested in me.
I was thinking myself at his level of society but it seems it was just an illusion because we were friends for a long time. And I am way lower than I was thinking.
Everything I have seems worthless. His gf is talking about scientific discussions she had with her mother. I don't even have a gf and my mom talks about potato dish at her highest level. My mom is worthless. Dad is worthless. My little brother is just a child that's too similar to me and will grow into someone as worthless as me.
Only thing I have is a very little intelligence that I used all up to become an ordinary engineer. I don't have any quality beside that apparently.
This girlfriend business is totally ripping me off of any self confidence and worth. There are two ways that I can feel ok again. First is to painfully accept the reality and just continue to breath until death. Second is to find a gf who can validate me, which feels impossible now.
I think you should consider finding and doing other things you love, to gain more meaning and enjoyment and validation in your life. It sounds like you have zero self-esteem because you're more worried about comparing yourself to others and trying to receive external validation from a girlfriend. I don't think that's a healthy approach, and I'd recommend building up your own self-image and confidence with hobbies or activities to be more comfortable in your skin. Heck, you might even meet some girls in the process!
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I don't want to sound like a crybaby and don't want to devalue your advice but that's really how I think know.
I was good at doing things and it just brings an illusion of self worth that vanishes instantly when everyone leaves to meet with their partners.
I can't think of anything that's worth doing. What's the point of painting or cycling or doing any hobby when all you really want is just someone?
What's the point of spending time with some stupid hobby when everyone normal is having fun with their partners?
I waa thinking of growing some rare plants but now even the thought disgusts me. I will be caring for some rare orchid while others whispering I love you's and trying different sex positions.
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On September 07 2018 11:01 mantequilla wrote:
I don't want to sound like a crybaby and don't want to devalue your advice but that's really how I think know.
I was good at doing things and it just brings an illusion of self worth that vanishes instantly when everyone leaves to meet with their partners.
I can't think of anything that's worth doing. What's the point of painting or cycling or doing any hobby when all you really want is just someone?
What's the point of spending time with some stupid hobby when everyone normal is having fun with their partners?
I waa thinking of growing some rare plants but now even the thought disgusts me. I will be caring for some rare orchid while others whispering I love you's and trying different sex positions.
that 10% you mentioned? probably self-confidence/self-esteem. sense of worth.
i can tell you with 100% certainty, women do not like guys who think so little of themselves. forget about meeting women at the moment, you need to find some fulfillment in your own life and change your mindset for the better. if you develop confidence then i guarantee you, you wont even have to change how you act around women. women will notice that you are a confident guy and display more interest in you naturally.
also if the root of all this is because you just want sex, either because youre sexually frustrated or because you think having numerous partners makes you a great guy and you can think better of yourself, then there are 2 solutions;
1. if youre simply sexually frustrated look for a one night stand or go to a brothel (dunno if theyre legal where you're at).
2. if you think numerous partners will give you validation then stay away from women in general. no offense but that mindset is toxic not just for yourself but for the women you meet also. you need to develop yourself. finding a loving partner and spending time with them is great but theres so much more to life than that, especially in your work. like i said, find some fulfillment
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On September 07 2018 10:04 mantequilla wrote:
That has only one logical explanation. There's something very wrong with me that I am ignoring for a long time. Say me and my friend are %90 similar. The remaining %10 must be so huge because he is having such a relationship while I can't get any girl to get interested in me.
And that 10% is lack of self-respect, respect for your family, self-worth and general confidence.
Tada, fix these and you will be good to go!
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Been a few days since I’m single. First time since high school I feel really hurt. I feel this is karma for the times I took all the girls I dated before for granted.
I ate a pear today and it had some taste.
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On September 07 2018 11:01 mantequilla wrote:
I don't want to sound like a crybaby and don't want to devalue your advice but that's really how I think know.
I was good at doing things and it just brings an illusion of self worth that vanishes instantly when everyone leaves to meet with their partners.
I can't think of anything that's worth doing. What's the point of painting or cycling or doing any hobby when all you really want is just someone?
What's the point of spending time with some stupid hobby when everyone normal is having fun with their partners?
I waa thinking of growing some rare plants but now even the thought disgusts me. I will be caring for some rare orchid while others whispering I love you's and trying different sex positions.
I wish someone told me earlier in life that people are inevitably going to couple off with romantic partners, and that I'd be losing some parts of all of my closest friendships in exchange for the addition of more perspectives (from the partners). I wish someone told me that this is inevitable, and it isn't my fault, but there's also nothing I can do, or should do, to stop it. Then, I wouldn't have lost my shit at my friends who stopped hanging out because their girlfriends got insecure, or whatever, and I'd have twice as many friends instead of half as many.
I think you are looking for a relationship to fill the hole in your heart you feel from all of your friends abandoning you to be with their partners. I think you should leverage the friendships you do have, and become better at being a 3rd, 5th, or 7th wheel. If you can do that, then you will have more friends than you know what to do with, and you will not be lonely any more. Plus, the your friends, or their partners, could hook you up with one of their friends. It does take some growing to be able to feel happy with these more shallow versions of your friends, who used to be there for you more deeply, but hey, that's the inevitable toll of romantic society crashing down on the natural brotherhood formation of our formative years. No way around it. No one's fault.
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On September 07 2018 14:33 bloodwhore~ wrote:Show nested quote +On September 07 2018 10:04 mantequilla wrote:
That has only one logical explanation. There's something very wrong with me that I am ignoring for a long time. Say me and my friend are %90 similar. The remaining %10 must be so huge because he is having such a relationship while I can't get any girl to get interested in me.
And that 10% is lack of self-respect, respect for your family, self-worth and general confidence. Tada, fix these and you will be good to go!
The hell does "respect for your family" have to do with anything? I'm genuinly curious
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EPT
