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On August 16 2011 14:06 zipz0p wrote:+ Show Spoiler +On August 16 2011 01:29 dan1st wrote:FJ is this you? ![[image loading]](http://trekweb.com/images/stories/4d84b907bbeeb-1.jpg) No offense but each time I read your stories I picture you as him lol. Holy shit... it's not only me! I had the same image in my head the whole time!
Right eh? The fact that he's British, likes to party always, do silly things and getting into troubles... I can't picture anyone else other than Simon Pegg.
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It was just a normal day till all of the students in my school were called to meet in a room. We found out that there was someone to deliver a speech. Then as the person delivering the speech went in front of me with a mic, I accidentally farted so loud that the speaker's mic caught the sound of my fart.
O_O
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On August 16 2011 13:42 PaPoolee wrote:Show nested quote +On August 13 2011 21:20 amd098 wrote:On August 13 2011 17:34 FJ wrote:On August 13 2011 11:07 supaplex wrote:
fj i wouldnt want to hang out with you. just because i get tired of these fake stories too soon  I kinda feel like I am missing out on a great friendship. If you came here to hang out, you would be living amazing stories. That other guy was right though, you live in the USA, a western, established Country. This is the middle east, a very very different place indeed. having spent 6 months in the mid east, his stories dont even lol me, its common you get the super rich and the ultra poor, lamborghini is as common as honda pretty much a bunch of people got lucky on oil and now live the rich life without having any idea of what to do with their money Well that's a nice thing to say... anyway i live in the U.A.E and I've only seen a couple of Lamborghini's my whole time here, so I don't know what you're talking about! also, we don't have "princesses" here either. You're also not allowed to eat dog meat here by law, so I don't know where/how you got it from when you "bought" it, sorry but most of these stories i have a hard time believing since I'm half local and lived here most of my life. Sorry for sounding rude, but I'm just trying to believe you, could you also say how you bargained your way out of a 200 dh fine? you have to go to court if you have any objections against the fine! 
That's 2 ,more than most people would see in their lifes. We don't specifically mean that car, but very fancy cars. Seeing a Bentley, or a Ferrari is an everyday thing for me.
I don't know the arabic word. But how ever you would like to describe it, daughter of royalty, heir to the sheik or something. That's why I explained how it isn't the same as the Princess in England or somewhere.
hehe, no problem at all, they are unbelievable, not many people believe them Just because something is illegal doesn't mean you an't do it. I can go to the market and buy a stolen rolex or handbag, or if you go tot eh right clubs, you'll find yourself with loads of Russian prostitutes.
As for the fine, you can barter with the police. My friend was pulled over for driving a bit dangerously, and he just pleaded to the officer. Same with me, I just said I am poor, I can't afford it, I am really sorry, and we are good people since we had all our paper work sorted. So he let us off with a warning. The police seem to like British people, onetime I was pulled, a random spot check, but I didn't have any id or anything on me.It is not allowed to drive without a license on hand, or to go out without your ID, but as soon as he asked where I was from, and I said Britain, he let me go.
For major things, yes you will go to court, but for a 200DHM on the spot fine, you can just discuss it there and then.
But you're local awesome. I think it's a great place, I have local friends also, they're pretty cool.
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On August 16 2011 17:06 dan1st wrote:Show nested quote +On August 16 2011 14:06 zipz0p wrote:+ Show Spoiler +On August 16 2011 01:29 dan1st wrote:FJ is this you? No offense but each time I read your stories I picture you as him lol. Holy shit... it's not only me! I had the same image in my head the whole time! Right eh? The fact that he's British, likes to party always, do silly things and getting into troubles... I can't picture anyone else other than Simon Pegg.
haha, I am more, Nick Frost haha.
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hey FJ your such an imba! how could you insult osama's brother,offend a princess, and slap a goat?! Your stories are great and uh embarassing. Well, i also live in uae and I can attest that it's fact you are telling about uae (walla's, fancy cars, ferrari world, cute filipinas). But I also have some uncertainties like why do you have to take a taxi with your sister to go to the mall if you have a car? how could you mess with the arab police and get away with it? your a rich guy but you want to hangout with low-midlle class people?
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On August 17 2011 15:22 TrojanProtector wrote:
hey FJ your such an imba! how could you insult osama's brother,offend a princess, and slap a goat?! Your stories are great and uh embarassing. Well, i also live in uae and I can attest that it's fact you are telling about uae (walla's, fancy cars, ferrari world, cute filipinas). But I also have some uncertainties like why do you have to take a taxi with your sister to go to the mall if you have a car? how could you mess with the arab police and get away with it? your a rich guy but you want to hangout with low-midlle class people?
You live here also? Where are you from?
Good questions
Well, sometimes I do just get taxis. They're cheap and I am rich, so I get them. But, as I am sure you're aware about the paper work in the country, it is terrible haha. So since I earn little, the bank will not give me a loan for a car. Even though I can afford the payment for a car, because of the stupid rules and the way things were set up, I can not buy one. My company says I earn, for example, 2000DHM a month, but they make up the rest in benefits (Housing allowance, Phone allowance., Travel etc) according to the bank, I only get that 2000, so they wont give me.
It means I need to use my parents cars. Which is nice since we have a hummer, and a merc haha But on some occasions, they may need them, so I just get taxis. It was also spur of the moment sort of thing that time. As my sister was leaving I decided to join, and the taxi was outside.
As for the police, well, you can argue on the side of the road with them, and get a speeding ticket reduced. I didn't know that for a long time, but my friend got pulled once when I was in the car, and he did it. So I learnt haha. When telling the police cheif about the rules, I guess he couldn't be bothered. After all, what was my crime? having an opinion? I guess he just couldn't be bothered, after a night out, to drag me to the station. Or maybe he was just a nice guy, who got a little fed up and kicked me out haha.
As Jessy J said 'It's not a out the money money money , we don't care about your money money money!'
It's also generous to call them, low-middle.I would certainly call them really low. Sadly.
I just get a long with them I would rather go to their house, sit on the floor eating rice with my had, and playing cards then spend a lot of money going out. They're great people, and I have a spot for asian girls haha But they're my good friends, nicest people you can meet. Go out and try it, go to the pinoy clubs. Try boracay! it's my fave. Go to spinnies, and just get chatting to the staff, I pretty much know every spinnies cashier in Dubai hahaha
Oh, as for slapping the goat, I wonder how I got into that situation, but he butted me! I aint taking that from no goat haha.
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hmm a couple , one that pops to mind :
my brother and i were in the casino watching some blackjack games, enjoying bacard cola's.
the fekker makes a joke and i burst in laughter .....just as i sip in my drink.
net result : innocent beautiful girl sprayed in bacardi cola by me : 1
apologizing in shame for 10 min or so.
pretty bad.
she didnt even take it too bad.
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Another one, because public restrooms are my bane.
Basically I'm taking my sweet time, trying to poo at a McDonalds, and the bathroom had 1 or 2 urinals in it and a single stall which I was in. Guy bursts in, banging on the door screaming that he has to go and it's an emergency, but I tell him to go to hell because I need to shit too and I was in here first, so that means I get to finish my poo first, right?
But apparently when you have to shit that bad you don't understand basic logic, so he just does one of those commando rolls, manages to get half his body into my stall, which just makes me shit more because I'm freaking scared and I'm trying to kick this guy out, kinda hard to do when sitting on the shitter because of the way your legs are positioned, and he just reaches up and shoves me off the seat with his hand.
Now I was NOT expecting that. In any way. But he just forces himself in, drops his pants, sits down, and shits so hard I think it actually lifted him an inch or two off of the seat. About 10 seconds later he stands, looks in the bowl and says, "You could try to flush that down but I don't think the toilet will like it. Best let the janitors pick it up." And he just casually leaves, leaving me on the ground with my pants down. I look in and there's a MOUNTAIN of the stuff. I don't know what that guy eats, but he sure as hell eats a lot.
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On August 16 2011 17:17 guyabs wrote:
It was just a normal day till all of the students in my school were called to meet in a room. We found out that there was someone to deliver a speech. Then as the person delivering the speech went in front of me with a mic, I accidentally farted so loud that the speaker's mic caught the sound of my fart.
O_O
Best story so far. I can just imagine the amplified sound of the fart reverberating in the room...
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FJ man you are hilarious!! You got some kickass stories!!
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1530 Posts
On August 19 2011 06:03 [UoN]Sentinel wrote:
Another one, because public restrooms are my bane.
Basically I'm taking my sweet time, trying to poo at a McDonalds, and the bathroom had 1 or 2 urinals in it and a single stall which I was in. Guy bursts in, banging on the door screaming that he has to go and it's an emergency, but I tell him to go to hell because I need to shit too and I was in here first, so that means I get to finish my poo first, right?
But apparently when you have to shit that bad you don't understand basic logic, so he just does one of those commando rolls, manages to get half his body into my stall, which just makes me shit more because I'm freaking scared and I'm trying to kick this guy out, kinda hard to do when sitting on the shitter because of the way your legs are positioned, and he just reaches up and shoves me off the seat with his hand.
Now I was NOT expecting that. In any way. But he just forces himself in, drops his pants, sits down, and shits so hard I think it actually lifted him an inch or two off of the seat. About 10 seconds later he stands, looks in the bowl and says, "You could try to flush that down but I don't think the toilet will like it. Best let the janitors pick it up." And he just casually leaves, leaving me on the ground with my pants down. I look in and there's a MOUNTAIN of the stuff. I don't know what that guy eats, but he sure as hell eats a lot.
My god. I'm so lucky to have never seen a mountain of shit lol. I once held it in for four days and that was quite a bit, but still...
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On August 19 2011 06:03 [UoN]Sentinel wrote:
Another one, because public restrooms are my bane.
Basically I'm taking my sweet time, trying to poo at a McDonalds, and the bathroom had 1 or 2 urinals in it and a single stall which I was in. Guy bursts in, banging on the door screaming that he has to go and it's an emergency, but I tell him to go to hell because I need to shit too and I was in here first, so that means I get to finish my poo first, right?
But apparently when you have to shit that bad you don't understand basic logic, so he just does one of those commando rolls, manages to get half his body into my stall, which just makes me shit more because I'm freaking scared and I'm trying to kick this guy out, kinda hard to do when sitting on the shitter because of the way your legs are positioned, and he just reaches up and shoves me off the seat with his hand.
Now I was NOT expecting that. In any way. But he just forces himself in, drops his pants, sits down, and shits so hard I think it actually lifted him an inch or two off of the seat. About 10 seconds later he stands, looks in the bowl and says, "You could try to flush that down but I don't think the toilet will like it. Best let the janitors pick it up." And he just casually leaves, leaving me on the ground with my pants down. I look in and there's a MOUNTAIN of the stuff. I don't know what that guy eats, but he sure as hell eats a lot.
This was hands down the funniest story in this thread, even in the likely scenario that it's bullocks.
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On August 16 2011 19:58 FJ wrote:Show nested quote +On August 16 2011 13:42 PaPoolee wrote:On August 13 2011 21:20 amd098 wrote:On August 13 2011 17:34 FJ wrote:On August 13 2011 11:07 supaplex wrote:
fj i wouldnt want to hang out with you. just because i get tired of these fake stories too soon I kinda feel like I am missing out on a great friendship. If you came here to hang out, you would be living amazing stories. That other guy was right though, you live in the USA, a western, established Country. This is the middle east, a very very different place indeed. having spent 6 months in the mid east, his stories dont even lol me, its common you get the super rich and the ultra poor, lamborghini is as common as honda pretty much a bunch of people got lucky on oil and now live the rich life without having any idea of what to do with their money Well that's a nice thing to say... anyway i live in the U.A.E and I've only seen a couple of Lamborghini's my whole time here, so I don't know what you're talking about! also, we don't have "princesses" here either. You're also not allowed to eat dog meat here by law, so I don't know where/how you got it from when you "bought" it, sorry but most of these stories i have a hard time believing since I'm half local and lived here most of my life. Sorry for sounding rude, but I'm just trying to believe you, could you also say how you bargained your way out of a 200 dh fine? you have to go to court if you have any objections against the fine! That's 2 ,more than most people would see in their lifes. We don't specifically mean that car, but very fancy cars. Seeing a Bentley, or a Ferrari is an everyday thing for me. I don't know the arabic word. But how ever you would like to describe it, daughter of royalty, heir to the sheik or something. That's why I explained how it isn't the same as the Princess in England or somewhere. hehe, no problem at all, they are unbelievable, not many people believe them Just because something is illegal doesn't mean you an't do it. I can go to the market and buy a stolen rolex or handbag, or if you go tot eh right clubs, you'll find yourself with loads of Russian prostitutes. As for the fine, you can barter with the police. My friend was pulled over for driving a bit dangerously, and he just pleaded to the officer. Same with me, I just said I am poor, I can't afford it, I am really sorry, and we are good people since we had all our paper work sorted. So he let us off with a warning. The police seem to like British people, onetime I was pulled, a random spot check, but I didn't have any id or anything on me.It is not allowed to drive without a license on hand, or to go out without your ID, but as soon as he asked where I was from, and I said Britain, he let me go. For major things, yes you will go to court, but for a 200DHM on the spot fine, you can just discuss it there and then. But you're local awesome. I think it's a great place, I have local friends also, they're pretty cool.
You got out of a fine by saying that you were poor, while pissing on the side of the road after getting out a Ferrari, sorry thats sending the BS meter through the roof. O well your stories are still entertaining
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Little drunk right now but here's a story for you guys,
So I went out to eat with a friend of mine and he brought two girls with him. One really nice looking girl and another sort of fat girl. When I got there I was introduced to them both and we bullshitted a little bit and then ordered. As we were waiting for our food I noticed my friend really flirting with the fat girl. They were all over each other, it was kinda making me and the other girl uncomfortable but we had enough small talk to carry us through their awkward moments of caressing. So we got our food and my friend and I finished first so I thought I'd text him and said "I see you're really liking the pudgy ones these days" and about 2 seconds after I hit send I see the phone in the fat girls hand start going off.
I thought OH SHIT! HE LET HER PLAY WITH HIS PHONE. and sprung up from the other side of the table, reached across all the food, and yanked it out of her hand. She got really pissed and was like "What are you doing?!" And I was like "wait what kinda phone is this" as I was pulling it across the table, and then she told me "my dad is calling me I need to take that" so I got really nervous and didn't know wtf to do so I answered the phone trying to be funny and was like "Hey dad!" and then just handed her back the phone.
My friend must have looked at me with this face "=O" for 5 minutes straight.
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I just read this entire thread, FJ is a frigging bauss. His blog is in my favorites.
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On August 19 2011 06:03 [UoN]Sentinel wrote:
Another one, because public restrooms are my bane.
Basically I'm taking my sweet time, trying to poo at a McDonalds, and the bathroom had 1 or 2 urinals in it and a single stall which I was in. Guy bursts in, banging on the door screaming that he has to go and it's an emergency, but I tell him to go to hell because I need to shit too and I was in here first, so that means I get to finish my poo first, right?
But apparently when you have to shit that bad you don't understand basic logic, so he just does one of those commando rolls, manages to get half his body into my stall, which just makes me shit more because I'm freaking scared and I'm trying to kick this guy out, kinda hard to do when sitting on the shitter because of the way your legs are positioned, and he just reaches up and shoves me off the seat with his hand.
Now I was NOT expecting that. In any way. But he just forces himself in, drops his pants, sits down, and shits so hard I think it actually lifted him an inch or two off of the seat. About 10 seconds later he stands, looks in the bowl and says, "You could try to flush that down but I don't think the toilet will like it. Best let the janitors pick it up." And he just casually leaves, leaving me on the ground with my pants down. I look in and there's a MOUNTAIN of the stuff. I don't know what that guy eats, but he sure as hell eats a lot.
LOL! That was great, that guy must be crazy, or he just really needed to take a dump. :D, Wow I've never heard about anyone doing that, that's hilarious :D.
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When I was like 14, my cousins had an exchange student from Ireland over and they brought her with them to family events, I was developing a crush on her and later I was driving people around in a go cart, and when I drove it with her, I crashed it into our well head. Luckily no one was seriously hurt and she went back to Ireland so I never had to see her again lol.
Oh yeah there was also a time i farted really bad by a poisonous gas detector in my house and it went off, lol we had guests and we all like evacuated and sat in our lawn for like 45 minutes till I fessed up and everybody laughed pretty hard.
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On August 19 2011 12:13 feanor1 wrote:Show nested quote +On August 16 2011 19:58 FJ wrote:On August 16 2011 13:42 PaPoolee wrote:On August 13 2011 21:20 amd098 wrote:On August 13 2011 17:34 FJ wrote:On August 13 2011 11:07 supaplex wrote:
fj i wouldnt want to hang out with you. just because i get tired of these fake stories too soon I kinda feel like I am missing out on a great friendship. If you came here to hang out, you would be living amazing stories. That other guy was right though, you live in the USA, a western, established Country. This is the middle east, a very very different place indeed. having spent 6 months in the mid east, his stories dont even lol me, its common you get the super rich and the ultra poor, lamborghini is as common as honda pretty much a bunch of people got lucky on oil and now live the rich life without having any idea of what to do with their money Well that's a nice thing to say... anyway i live in the U.A.E and I've only seen a couple of Lamborghini's my whole time here, so I don't know what you're talking about! also, we don't have "princesses" here either. You're also not allowed to eat dog meat here by law, so I don't know where/how you got it from when you "bought" it, sorry but most of these stories i have a hard time believing since I'm half local and lived here most of my life. Sorry for sounding rude, but I'm just trying to believe you, could you also say how you bargained your way out of a 200 dh fine? you have to go to court if you have any objections against the fine! That's 2 ,more than most people would see in their lifes. We don't specifically mean that car, but very fancy cars. Seeing a Bentley, or a Ferrari is an everyday thing for me. I don't know the arabic word. But how ever you would like to describe it, daughter of royalty, heir to the sheik or something. That's why I explained how it isn't the same as the Princess in England or somewhere. hehe, no problem at all, they are unbelievable, not many people believe them Just because something is illegal doesn't mean you an't do it. I can go to the market and buy a stolen rolex or handbag, or if you go tot eh right clubs, you'll find yourself with loads of Russian prostitutes. As for the fine, you can barter with the police. My friend was pulled over for driving a bit dangerously, and he just pleaded to the officer. Same with me, I just said I am poor, I can't afford it, I am really sorry, and we are good people since we had all our paper work sorted. So he let us off with a warning. The police seem to like British people, onetime I was pulled, a random spot check, but I didn't have any id or anything on me.It is not allowed to drive without a license on hand, or to go out without your ID, but as soon as he asked where I was from, and I said Britain, he let me go. For major things, yes you will go to court, but for a 200DHM on the spot fine, you can just discuss it there and then. But you're local awesome. I think it's a great place, I have local friends also, they're pretty cool. You got out of a fine by saying that you were poor, while pissing on the side of the road after getting out a Ferrari, sorry thats sending the BS meter through the roof. O well your stories are still entertaining
Wait, Ferrari? I WISH!!!!
The thing about Dubai is, you insure the car, and not the driver. So as long as you have permission from the owner, you can drive anything. At the time, I was driving a Kia Sorento. Good thing I wasn't driving the Merc or the Hummer hahaha.
The police earn commission on the fines they hand out. They try and fine a lot of people for things. But if you give them a little resistance, they will drop it, or reduce it. They are still a haggling race, even with the fines.
Not that I try to give them impression you will always be fined here. But I have been asked for money from the police a fair few times.
It's sad for my Filipino friends. The police stop them and make them present their ID and fine if they don't. I have never been asked for it, only when with them, and I don't even have one. When I am with them, the police let us off for those sort of fines.
In this situation, I think they tried it on with me. Saw a white boy, thought they could get 200DhS out of him. As soon as I looked like I knew the way things work, it was too much trouble, so off I go.
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On August 19 2011 06:03 [UoN]Sentinel wrote:
Another one, because public restrooms are my bane.
Basically I'm taking my sweet time, trying to poo at a McDonalds, and the bathroom had 1 or 2 urinals in it and a single stall which I was in. Guy bursts in, banging on the door screaming that he has to go and it's an emergency, but I tell him to go to hell because I need to shit too and I was in here first, so that means I get to finish my poo first, right?
But apparently when you have to shit that bad you don't understand basic logic, so he just does one of those commando rolls, manages to get half his body into my stall, which just makes me shit more because I'm freaking scared and I'm trying to kick this guy out, kinda hard to do when sitting on the shitter because of the way your legs are positioned, and he just reaches up and shoves me off the seat with his hand.
Now I was NOT expecting that. In any way. But he just forces himself in, drops his pants, sits down, and shits so hard I think it actually lifted him an inch or two off of the seat. About 10 seconds later he stands, looks in the bowl and says, "You could try to flush that down but I don't think the toilet will like it. Best let the janitors pick it up." And he just casually leaves, leaving me on the ground with my pants down. I look in and there's a MOUNTAIN of the stuff. I don't know what that guy eats, but he sure as hell eats a lot.
Only at McDonalds.
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On August 20 2011 07:00 Crigget wrote:Show nested quote +On August 19 2011 06:03 [UoN]Sentinel wrote:
Another one, because public restrooms are my bane.
Basically I'm taking my sweet time, trying to poo at a McDonalds, and the bathroom had 1 or 2 urinals in it and a single stall which I was in. Guy bursts in, banging on the door screaming that he has to go and it's an emergency, but I tell him to go to hell because I need to shit too and I was in here first, so that means I get to finish my poo first, right?
But apparently when you have to shit that bad you don't understand basic logic, so he just does one of those commando rolls, manages to get half his body into my stall, which just makes me shit more because I'm freaking scared and I'm trying to kick this guy out, kinda hard to do when sitting on the shitter because of the way your legs are positioned, and he just reaches up and shoves me off the seat with his hand.
Now I was NOT expecting that. In any way. But he just forces himself in, drops his pants, sits down, and shits so hard I think it actually lifted him an inch or two off of the seat. About 10 seconds later he stands, looks in the bowl and says, "You could try to flush that down but I don't think the toilet will like it. Best let the janitors pick it up." And he just casually leaves, leaving me on the ground with my pants down. I look in and there's a MOUNTAIN of the stuff. I don't know what that guy eats, but he sure as hell eats a lot. Only at McDonalds.
I must have walked in after you, I saw what can only be described as a mountain of shit in a McDonald's toilet.
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EPT
