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On August 23 2011 13:03 [UoN]Sentinel wrote:
More toilet time.
First off, too much embarassing shit (no pun intended) happens to me in the men's room, so I flinch any time I'm in a public restroom and I hear someone walk in. In fairness I'm in public restrooms a lot, so it's not like every time I enter something's going to hit the fan.
Unfortunately, the others don't know that. So what happens is I'm taking a piss, and I leave my hat next to one of the sinks. Apparenty some guy decides to use that sink, and since I'm the closest person, naturally he asks "Excuse me sir, is this your hat, I need to move it so it doesn't get wet" And then I just immediately turn around, penis in hand, and make one of those sweeps like a colossus laser, except instead of the colossus it's my penis and instead of extended thermal lance it's extended urinary stream.
So I realize I just pissed in a nice semicircle, so I'm about to turn around and correct my mistake, but then I realize it's too late, so I'm just spazzing, looking like something snapped in my brain or something and just being a general idiot. So eventually I just nod, zip up, grab my hat and leave in my usual awkward shit-walk.
dude i couldnt stop laughing for 2 minutes i thought i was going to die, the colossus comparison got to me
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A lot of toilet story here. Oh well, here's another:
Once when I was in university, I had to take a number 2 really bad. There were these two single person "man/women/handicap" washrooms, I think you know what I'm tal
king about. I was really in a rush, didn't take the time to figure out how the door lock worked (I think you're getting an idea where this is going). It didn't look like there was a lock button but looked like you hit a button and a light on the outside comes on to show it's occupied.
So I did that and went on to do my much needed "business". And wouldn't you know it, the door is not locked, and not long after, a girl walked in on me as I sitting on the toilet taking a dump. It was a very brief sec, all I could utter out of my mouse was "Excuse me", and girl also snapped around very quickly and said sorry. I was like holy shit the door is not locked, but I can't exactly stand up to lock it as I was still in the middle of a very "rush business". As I desperately trying to finish as fast as humanly possible, guess what, another girl walked in on me. It was just like an instant replay. My auto pilot said "excuse me" again, and she snapped around and said sorry, too. Most likely "can not be unseen" for both of them.
At this point of course the "threat level alarm" is now much higher in my head after the first "intrusion". I was thinking like "omg some one's gonna walk in again any time now, I must leave this place". And the fact that both were girls made me extra nervous. And it was about at this point, I noticed the big tempon dispenser right in front of my face. And my confidence in "this is a unisex washroom" just went out of the window and I was like "OMG...I"m in the girls warshroom taking a dump".
A bunch of scenarios immediatly flew through my head very fast, including girls calling the campus security, and the image of me been escorted out of a girls warshroom while others point and whisper. So this was a time where it's mind over matter. Suddenly whatever was left of my number 2 didn't had to go anymore and I wiped, pulled up my my pants, and washed my hands faster than a speeding bullet but in what seemed like an eternity. The whole time I was just praying "no more girls coming in, no more girls coming in".
Then I walked out the washroom rapidly but casually like a boss pretending that I didn't know anything was wrong and didn't dare to turn around to check whether it was really only girls washroom or not (although I was pretty sure that it was a "men/women/handicap" single person washroom").
Anyways, the moral of the story is: Always try the outside handle before closing the door that it is locable before using any single-person washrooms.
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Another story when I was younger, in middle school, I was 10 or 11 I think. During ressess I was teasing this girl and took her pencil case and won't give it back to her. Then the bell rang and the everyone rushed back to their seats. The the girl and I also went back to our respective seats. I still had her pencil case and she was yelling at me to give it back to her. Then I heard the teacher was near the door and I felt that there was no time for me to stand up walk back 3 rows to give the pencil case back to her. So I just threw it at her. And then I watched in slow motion as the girl missed the pencil case with her hands and the fully loaded metal pencil case smacked her flat in the face.
I felt really bad but the teacher walked in right after and I was too nervous to stand up and go see if she was alright. I felt so bad I didn't even dare to turn around to glance at her. Last thing I saw was she hold her face in pain and trying not to cry. After class I was scared like a pussy and ran home for lunch.
After lunch her mom brought her back to school to show the teacher her semi swollen face and the teacher made me tell my parents and my parents took me to her house to apologize to her. I was so embarrassed and was crying through out the whole apology.
Thankfully she wasn't seriously hurt, and we went on to be pretty good friends. But she still told a bunch of people how I cried like a baby during my apology, so that was extra embarrassing.
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One more long story, when I was even younger, like I was 7 I think. It's embarrassing and funny at the same time. The background is that my dad was very strict when i was young. If I did something bad or broke some rules, he would smack my hands or spank me really hard. So I was pretty scared of pissing him off.
I was grade two at the time I think. One day after school, I was playing with some of my friends, just running around on streets play tag or some random made up games and just generally fooling around. I was having a lot of fun and forgot the time. By the time I reach my home, it was like pass 6 o'clock, like more than an hour and half pass when I normally should be home. Then I realized the terrible fact that I was gonna have to tell my dad that fooled around on the streets for that long, not coming home for homework and stuff, and he was surely gonna give me some beating for that. And I was just like totally feeling like an idiot that I didn't think about this went I was playing on the streets.
So now I was really scared of going inside, but sudden a crazy idea popt into my head, "I can walk to my grandma's place, grandma always spoiled me and if she calls my dad to go pick me up, she won't allow him to beat". Sounds like a decent plan, but here's what made it crazy: my grandma lived really really far away, not just for a 7-year-old. At the time, My dad took me to grandma's place every weekend. I would sit on his bicycle (on the bar connecting the handles to the seat, this was shanghai china, common practice, and bicycle is everyone's primary means of commute.) and it took like an good 45 min to an hour for my dad to ride bicycle to my grandma's place. And since he always took the same route, after siting on his bicycle for the trip every weekend for like a couple of years, I know the route by heart.
So that was my plan, follow my dad's bicycle route, walked all the way to my grandma's place. To say the traffic was not that safe in Shanghai at the time is a gross understatement. I had in my head that I'll always follow the traffic light, only cross on green lights. Seems basic I know, but at the time, everyone jaywalked, if you stood at the red light and not crossing, people looked at you like you were retarded or something. Anyways, I walked and walked, trying to be as safe as possible, even stopped at some arcade to look at people playing Street Fighter II (you probably guess how old I am now based on this). Don't remember much of the details, but when I finally reached my grandma's place, it was like 20:30 or almost 21:00. So at least a good 2 and half hour walk, carrying my heavy "chinese bookworm student" school bag. But these are all just setups, here comes the good part.
I shouted at the house to get my grandma to open the door for me. Out came on the balcony was my uncle (my dad's younger brother, his family lived with my grandma still at the time). When he saw me, his eyes opened wide and said in a shocking tone, "FAD??? How did you get here???" I was very tired but feeling kind of good that I made the journey, but his next words pretty much petrified me. He turned around and screamed into the house: "Brother! FAD is HERE!!!" (Brother of course = my dad...)
So, this was what went through my head in the next 0.5 seconds as I gasped for air in horror: "IT'S TUESDAY! Every Tuesday my dad gets off work late and since my grandma's place is close to work, he would come here to have dinner. EVERY TUESDAY! OMFG! HE'S HEREEEEE!!!!!" And my head was just about to explode at my stupidity that I forgot it was Tuesday and that I just walked almost 3 hours trying to avoid my dad and walked to exactly where he was.
So been unable to process another rational thought in my exploding head, I forgot about my exhaustion, spun around, and TOOK OFF as fast as I could. I ran straight to the nearest alley and hid there, trying to catch my breath, and piece together my now shattered reality. Then I saw my uncle speeding down the main street on his bicycle screaming my name, believing that I began to run back home after I found out my dad is here (my dad's strictness was common knowledge among the family). And that was honestly my body's first reaction, to run back home, but as I hid in the alley, exhausted from the long walked, starving because it was way pass my dinner time, and as the last bit of day light was fading away, I came to the sad but undeniable reality, that there's no way I was going to make it back home.
So I finally conceded, walked to my grandma's house. Everyone was super relieved that I did not try to walk back to my home, and at the same time shocked that I walked almost 3 hours by myself through the rough traffics. The rest is a bit blurry, I told everyone the reason of my journey, as I devoured down the dinner left overs. My dad took a storm of criticism from my grandparents, as you can probably imagine, things along the line of "Look what you did to this kid! He's so scared of you that he walked 3 hours to run away from you!" So it was kind of embarrassing for him as well. At the same time, they all laughed at my stupidity that I walked for 3 hours and straight to where my dad is.
In the end my dad didn't punished me for this stunt I pulled, probably because he didn't know whether to yell at me or laugh at me. I always thought of this as an embarrassing but interesting story. Here it is sharing with TL.
TLDR: When I was 7 or 8, I walked 3 hours from my home to my grandma's home to avoid punishment from my dad. Only to found out when I got there that he was there...face palm
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Another short one with my strict Dad: (all dialogs are rough translation from chinese to english)
When I was very young, can't remember what age, one day I noticed a difference between my dad's watch and the clock in the house, that the watch's "second hand" moves faster than the clock's "second hand". So I asked my dad,
"Why does the watch's second hand moves faster than the clock's? Shouldn't both tell time at the same speed?"
And my dad being the troll he was (or tried created an educational moment), answered with another question: "OK, you observed that the second hands are at different speed, so how can you confirm that the watch is running at the same speed as the clock?"
And I was baffled, so I answered tentatively: "uhh....you look at whether the minute hands are moving at the same speed?"
And my dad was like "WHAT?! What kind of stupid answer is that? Can you see the minute hands moving?" I was like, "uh...no..." And my dad was like, "Come on THINK! What's the most obvious way you can tell whether the watch is really faster than the clock or not???"
Him yelling at me of course didn't help me the least bit, only made me more nervous and unable to think, so I said: "uhh...you...you look at...which hour hand is moving faster???"
To this day I still can not believe how stupid of an answer that was, lol. So naturally, that ticked my dad right off:
"WHAT THE F***??!! ARE YOU F***ING RETARDED?! If you can't see the minute hand moving, how the F*** are you going to see the hour hand moving??!! THINK before you speak Dumb Ass!!"
And as I ran out of "hands" on the clock to observe I just started crying (I was kind of a cry baby when I was young).
Anyways, the answer is of course to see if they are showing the same time or not. Or to observe the speed more accurately, just take a note of the time showing on each one now, and then wait a while and see if there is a change in the time difference. Apparently this was too much for me as young boy to recognized. Feel pretty stupid every time I think back to this incident.
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You're dad seem strict haha
Here is another time I felt embarrassed.
Earlier this year, there was a HUGE horse racing event. Something like the grand royal horse racing thing. Either way, it was MASSIVE, full of rich people. posh and expensive. You weren't allowed in without a nice suit and shelling out for expensive tickets. The sort of place that had butlers walking around handing out champagne, and it was just all round posh. They had some fashion shows, and people were all wearing their best clothes and were all up their own arse posh snobs.
Well, I had tickets to go, and being the knob that I am, decided to rent a tux.....complete with top hat, monocle, cane, those white things over your shoes, pocket watch chain, fake mutton chops, and fancy french beard. The WHOLE works to being a dick head.
So I went to the event wearing all of that....I got there, and everyone just started at me, I expected that, but I thought a few people would find it amusing. Well I was wrong, everyone just stared at me for it....thinking 'what a little prick' I felt pretty stupid...
I felt worse when I entered the fashion show 'best dressed man' competition. I didn't even pass round one! I lost to a fat guy in a kilt! I just got laughed off the stage. I felt really stupid!
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I believe FJ, simply because I've been to the middle east. What North Americans think is "uncommon" is really daily life in those countries.
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On August 27 2011 10:48 FADCoUltra wrote:
One more long story, when I was even younger, like I was 7 I think. It's embarrassing and funny at the same time. The background is that my dad was very strict when i was young. If I did something bad or broke some rules, he would smack my hands or spank me really hard. So I was pretty scared of pissing him off.
I was grade two at the time I think. One day after school, I was playing with some of my friends, just running around on streets play tag or some random made up games and just generally fooling around. I was having a lot of fun and forgot the time. By the time I reach my home, it was like pass 6 o'clock, like more than an hour and half pass when I normally should be home. Then I realized the terrible fact that I was gonna have to tell my dad that fooled around on the streets for that long, not coming home for homework and stuff, and he was surely gonna give me some beating for that. And I was just like totally feeling like an idiot that I didn't think about this went I was playing on the streets.
So now I was really scared of going inside, but sudden a crazy idea popt into my head, "I can walk to my grandma's place, grandma always spoiled me and if she calls my dad to go pick me up, she won't allow him to beat". Sounds like a decent plan, but here's what made it crazy: my grandma lived really really far away, not just for a 7-year-old. At the time, My dad took me to grandma's place every weekend. I would sit on his bicycle (on the bar connecting the handles to the seat, this was shanghai china, common practice, and bicycle is everyone's primary means of commute.) and it took like an good 45 min to an hour for my dad to ride bicycle to my grandma's place. And since he always took the same route, after siting on his bicycle for the trip every weekend for like a couple of years, I know the route by heart.
So that was my plan, follow my dad's bicycle route, walked all the way to my grandma's place. To say the traffic was not that safe in Shanghai at the time is a gross understatement. I had in my head that I'll always follow the traffic light, only cross on green lights. Seems basic I know, but at the time, everyone jaywalked, if you stood at the red light and not crossing, people looked at you like you were retarded or something. Anyways, I walked and walked, trying to be as safe as possible, even stopped at some arcade to look at people playing Street Fighter II (you probably guess how old I am now based on this). Don't remember much of the details, but when I finally reached my grandma's place, it was like 20:30 or almost 21:00. So at least a good 2 and half hour walk, carrying my heavy "chinese bookworm student" school bag. But these are all just setups, here comes the good part.
I shouted at the house to get my grandma to open the door for me. Out came on the balcony was my uncle (my dad's younger brother, his family lived with my grandma still at the time). When he saw me, his eyes opened wide and said in a shocking tone, "FAD??? How did you get here???" I was very tired but feeling kind of good that I made the journey, but his next words pretty much petrified me. He turned around and screamed into the house: "Brother! FAD is HERE!!!" (Brother of course = my dad...)
So, this was what went through my head in the next 0.5 seconds as I gasped for air in horror: "IT'S TUESDAY! Every Tuesday my dad gets off work late and since my grandma's place is close to work, he would come here to have dinner. EVERY TUESDAY! OMFG! HE'S HEREEEEE!!!!!" And my head was just about to explode at my stupidity that I forgot it was Tuesday and that I just walked almost 3 hours trying to avoid my dad and walked to exactly where he was.
So been unable to process another rational thought in my exploding head, I forgot about my exhaustion, spun around, and TOOK OFF as fast as I could. I ran straight to the nearest alley and hid there, trying to catch my breath, and piece together my now shattered reality. Then I saw my uncle speeding down the main street on his bicycle screaming my name, believing that I began to run back home after I found out my dad is here (my dad's strictness was common knowledge among the family). And that was honestly my body's first reaction, to run back home, but as I hid in the alley, exhausted from the long walked, starving because it was way pass my dinner time, and as the last bit of day light was fading away, I came to the sad but undeniable reality, that there's no way I was going to make it back home.
So I finally conceded, walked to my grandma's house. Everyone was super relieved that I did not try to walk back to my home, and at the same time shocked that I walked almost 3 hours by myself through the rough traffics. The rest is a bit blurry, I told everyone the reason of my journey, as I devoured down the dinner left overs. My dad took a storm of criticism from my grandparents, as you can probably imagine, things along the line of "Look what you did to this kid! He's so scared of you that he walked 3 hours to run away from you!" So it was kind of embarrassing for him as well. At the same time, they all laughed at my stupidity that I walked for 3 hours and straight to where my dad is.
In the end my dad didn't punished me for this stunt I pulled, probably because he didn't know whether to yell at me or laugh at me. I always thought of this as an embarrassing but interesting story. Here it is sharing with TL.
TLDR: When I was 7 or 8, I walked 3 hours from my home to my grandma's home to avoid punishment from my dad. Only to found out when I got there that he was there...face palm
LOL thats an awesome story!
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I read Choke a while ago (back in high school) and if anyone has read the book (it's by Chuck Palahniuk, i recommend it) it's about a sex-addict who's mother is in a hopstial and he has to bang a doctor to get a stem baby to make his mother well. Anyway, during spanish class my teacher looks over and sees what i'm reading. She's read the same thing, right? So we start talking about it, and she tells me it's all about the love a mother/son share. No way dude! it's about a sex-fiend who is self-destructive. We argue about sex in class for about 20 minutes, while all the other kids laugh. Good times.
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On August 29 2011 21:24 sluggaslamoo wrote:Show nested quote +On August 27 2011 10:48 FADCoUltra wrote:+ Show Spoiler +
One more long story, when I was even younger, like I was 7 I think. It's embarrassing and funny at the same time. The background is that my dad was very strict when i was young. If I did something bad or broke some rules, he would smack my hands or spank me really hard. So I was pretty scared of pissing him off.
I was grade two at the time I think. One day after school, I was playing with some of my friends, just running around on streets play tag or some random made up games and just generally fooling around. I was having a lot of fun and forgot the time. By the time I reach my home, it was like pass 6 o'clock, like more than an hour and half pass when I normally should be home. Then I realized the terrible fact that I was gonna have to tell my dad that fooled around on the streets for that long, not coming home for homework and stuff, and he was surely gonna give me some beating for that. And I was just like totally feeling like an idiot that I didn't think about this went I was playing on the streets.
So now I was really scared of going inside, but sudden a crazy idea popt into my head, "I can walk to my grandma's place, grandma always spoiled me and if she calls my dad to go pick me up, she won't allow him to beat". Sounds like a decent plan, but here's what made it crazy: my grandma lived really really far away, not just for a 7-year-old. At the time, My dad took me to grandma's place every weekend. I would sit on his bicycle (on the bar connecting the handles to the seat, this was shanghai china, common practice, and bicycle is everyone's primary means of commute.) and it took like an good 45 min to an hour for my dad to ride bicycle to my grandma's place. And since he always took the same route, after siting on his bicycle for the trip every weekend for like a couple of years, I know the route by heart.
So that was my plan, follow my dad's bicycle route, walked all the way to my grandma's place. To say the traffic was not that safe in Shanghai at the time is a gross understatement. I had in my head that I'll always follow the traffic light, only cross on green lights. Seems basic I know, but at the time, everyone jaywalked, if you stood at the red light and not crossing, people looked at you like you were retarded or something. Anyways, I walked and walked, trying to be as safe as possible, even stopped at some arcade to look at people playing Street Fighter II (you probably guess how old I am now based on this). Don't remember much of the details, but when I finally reached my grandma's place, it was like 20:30 or almost 21:00. So at least a good 2 and half hour walk, carrying my heavy "chinese bookworm student" school bag. But these are all just setups, here comes the good part.
I shouted at the house to get my grandma to open the door for me. Out came on the balcony was my uncle (my dad's younger brother, his family lived with my grandma still at the time). When he saw me, his eyes opened wide and said in a shocking tone, "FAD??? How did you get here???" I was very tired but feeling kind of good that I made the journey, but his next words pretty much petrified me. He turned around and screamed into the house: "Brother! FAD is HERE!!!" (Brother of course = my dad...)
So, this was what went through my head in the next 0.5 seconds as I gasped for air in horror: "IT'S TUESDAY! Every Tuesday my dad gets off work late and since my grandma's place is close to work, he would come here to have dinner. EVERY TUESDAY! OMFG! HE'S HEREEEEE!!!!!" And my head was just about to explode at my stupidity that I forgot it was Tuesday and that I just walked almost 3 hours trying to avoid my dad and walked to exactly where he was.
So been unable to process another rational thought in my exploding head, I forgot about my exhaustion, spun around, and TOOK OFF as fast as I could. I ran straight to the nearest alley and hid there, trying to catch my breath, and piece together my now shattered reality. Then I saw my uncle speeding down the main street on his bicycle screaming my name, believing that I began to run back home after I found out my dad is here (my dad's strictness was common knowledge among the family). And that was honestly my body's first reaction, to run back home, but as I hid in the alley, exhausted from the long walked, starving because it was way pass my dinner time, and as the last bit of day light was fading away, I came to the sad but undeniable reality, that there's no way I was going to make it back home.
So I finally conceded, walked to my grandma's house. Everyone was super relieved that I did not try to walk back to my home, and at the same time shocked that I walked almost 3 hours by myself through the rough traffics. The rest is a bit blurry, I told everyone the reason of my journey, as I devoured down the dinner left overs. My dad took a storm of criticism from my grandparents, as you can probably imagine, things along the line of "Look what you did to this kid! He's so scared of you that he walked 3 hours to run away from you!" So it was kind of embarrassing for him as well. At the same time, they all laughed at my stupidity that I walked for 3 hours and straight to where my dad is.
In the end my dad didn't punished me for this stunt I pulled, probably because he didn't know whether to yell at me or laugh at me. I always thought of this as an embarrassing but interesting story. Here it is sharing with TL.
TLDR: When I was 7 or 8, I walked 3 hours from my home to my grandma's home to avoid punishment from my dad. Only to found out when I got there that he was there...face palm
LOL thats an awesome story!
Thanks man! I was hoping some one would enjoy this story!
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EPT
