The Letting Off Steam Thread - Page 165

Well. I guess this is it. I've punched in my card. Now more than ever the reality is dawning on me that how I make my livelihood in the near future is...closer than ever. Education. This is a serious turning point where I start managing my own education. It all depends on if I want to learn and I need to start taking yawn things yawn more differently. Yawn. I had a lot of regrets with StarCraft. Today there was this one bm douche who said "I win" after killing lots of my workers in a ZvZ. Lucky for him I turned off my in game sounds and I was half asleep. I asked for a rematch and naturally he said he needed to go to sleep. Before he left he said "I'm so good." I'm pretty sure I saw him on eonzerg's stream a long time ago ragequitting after talking about how good he was. Hmm strange it feels so strange. At some point when I was playing I felt my ZvT was my best matchup, better than my ZvP. Over time as I played more ZvP than ZvT I felt so comfortable playing ZvP and my ZvT skills just...plummeted. I can never hit a good balance. Since school started my ahhhhhh...gah. All of my skills have left me and I just can't play ANYTHING. It's depressing and.....ugh. Losing to Fish terrans didn't help either.

I've also been casting for casey in that alchemist league thing and I saw Gamezzz was already the primary caster but apparently he duped out for 2 days before getting online. I approached casey wanting to cast cuz...i'm annoying what can I say. Casey proposed I be the new caster, cast daily, blah blah blah. I was like hmm yes excellent. This is good to practice casting, the thing I've always wanted to do, be like klazart, moletrap. Really though I just burned myself out and it became less fun and more of a liability in my daily life. Really casting is just....idk man it's just so soul sucking. Hahaha watching klazart casting he's just so fast at talking....and so clear at the same time..HOW. I made that decision during summer vacation and....ah. I remember how I agreed to be the new caster. I just typed all caps "YES I AGREE" and I made absolutely no consideration about what would happen when school started. The expectations for school oh god the workload....It's all so important. Sometimes it feels like Casey is bearing the weight of the skies upon his shoulders what with everyone not helping him and ugh. School. It's a commitment. Take serious oh ja. So many bastards out there who haven't given me a rematch those lazy mofos.

I've been trying to perfect the hydralisk drop technique. I remember this guy MOFOKJ would do it all the time. I wish i had some of his reps but I lost them from the frequent self shaming sessions I'd have over wasting my life on StarCraft where I uninstall the game and then promptly reinstall it. Then I'd lose all of those precious replays I had from 2011. Oh the glory days.

I still remember man, the games, the fun. Risk, stuff, cat n mouse, evolves, oh.....snowball wars. so many.

sup. I still remember. The days, the constantly changing group of people that surrounded me(in starcraft ). It's all come to a stop now. I don't even know what I want to do. Yup. I still remember. I'm pretty sure I've killed off most of my brain cells just from....idk. I...I remember the good old days. I burned myself out on casting. Casey wuz like expect 400 viewers when it gets to ro16 and I was like wut o.o

._.
.-. Upside down face.

ah yes as the casters left it was a true signal bw had truly died. (haha....ha....) plub. Yawn. I don't know anymore bro. Ah. Apparently Koget has permanently switched to terran. He used to be zerg but ZvT was just so imba to him. If only I had my 2014 summer vacation skills I could've shown him the one true way...he pwned me again with that valkyrie crap. I'll show him though. I can't. SO MANY REGRETS. but really you can't tie them all neatly. so regret. The fish koreans....really never give up. Ever. It feels so strange playing them. THEY DON'T GIVE UP. It's a completely different mindset. My Laotian mind can't get around that. Ever. Really the same drive and wonderment isn't there. I wonder when Casey is going to break the news I left. There's a coverage section where it introduces me and some answers to basic questions. It's....poorly written but hey what can ya do when it's a one man band. He's gonna edit it out I gurantee it. I should remove him from my contacts on skype. Isn't that awkward though? Nah, it isn't. No tangible connections can be made my good man. Nope. Neither here nor there. Boom bam. Whammity. My mouse and keyboard....so crusty. I can just hear the molted skin flakes crunch every time I press down on a key. better yet I could just unisntall skype. Forever. And Starcraft. And this time I'm gonna throw my physical copy away....again. I did that once. I uninstalled it and threw away the physical copy so I wouldn't be able to go play. I wasn't aware you could get it for free online but uhm. don't matter. so yah i mean it was a crappy 6 months without starcraft. It was like heroin bro. Her-o-in. I remember the moment that caused me to stop playing starcraft. Sigh...PARENTS. I'm living in their basement as I type this. Sadness. UGH. The pain. I still remember the pain I felt when I destroyed the game disc....GOD....A new copy is sitting right there though. I remember the first day of playing starcraft after 6 months of not playing it when i bought another copy. Everyone had left. Everyone I knew but. again brah it's not....tangible? idk. Dreaming of a day, I never thought there would be one where I stopped playing StarCraft but I think it's finally come to an end in a post that's so poorly written. I was looking back at one of my blog posts. Originally it was 1.7 for a long time. Then today I looked at it again and it was 2.1 stars out of 5. Good stuff. I think just quitting everything starcraft related is fine. Nighty night. I received a call from this one guy, and it was the only blocked number on my cellphone. I knew who it was, yet, I didn't pick it up. There was no reason to. Bloooooooooocked. Blocked.

stupid fucking bitch dean, didn't talk with her in two fucking years, and she is bitching i am not participating in her imbecil community events, when she has never asked me to do so, just so annoying, what a stupid country, every day idiotic shit happens

welp, got rejected from my dream job (again)

long story, short, i'm interested in X. i have a decent working knowledge of the industry, but am by no means an expert obviously. my second interviewer has been working in the space for over 10 years, and he asked me a bunch of opinion questions-- basically if i didnt give one that agreed with his, i was screwed. i was also pretty hog tied because of confidentiality issues with my internship. completely fucking rigged.

I feel like something huge dawned on me just now. Nowadays I don't really consider that I have "friends" in the sense that I would like to have them, or in the sense that I had in the past. Up until 10 minutes ago I had no idea why precisely, and had not really sought the reason out. The thing is, I have what everybody but me would call "friends", and they're the closest thing to it, sure, so I didn't feel any pressing urge to solve what was missing, that something that "it" lacked. I think I found what that something is, and I'm not too happy about it.
I don't esteem them. I don't admire anything they do or think or like. I wouldn't go as far as to say that I despise them, but I sure as hell don't think they're cooler than me in any aspect. It used to be different. I used to have at least one guy that I would be close to and that I would kinda look up to in a way. Like I would feel like he was funnier than me but also laughed at my jokes, or I would feel like he was smarter than me, but also listened to my input, or he would have this insane swagger and confidence that I don't have but still would think everybody would like me. It's hard to explain, and I don't know if it's normal that I feel the need to hold my friends in some kind of esteem, but I'm at least sure that I can't have people that I look down upon as friends.
So in the near future, I'm going to look for what really changed. I see two possibilities. Either I actually find my closest-to-friends lamer than I am and I need to find other people (go out more or something), or somewhere along the way I caught a case of huge inferiority/superiority complex or narcissism (I don't even know...) that makes me irrationally despise my friends even though they're actually cool people.

Some could actually be reading this message. The fact that it doesn't bother me a great deal is bothering me, ironically enough. If anything, it's proof that I don't even value their companionship. I don't know if they value me at all, but the sad thing is, I can't even manage to care. I still do hold a handful of people in very high esteem though, but they're mostly old friends that I don't see enough of, or my family. I also feel like there are people in my current group of "friends" that I could be closer to and who could become true friends, I think I have to open up more myself for that to happen.
I do have one friend though that I had this kind of weird relationship with (we only communicate over the Internet and never see each other in real life, it worked for us and it made me happy). We drifted apart for multiple futile reasons, but I'm going to try to contact him again.

I needed to get that out and, like, get it in writing to give it more substance and not forget that realization in the morning like a bad dream.

People are fucking shit. Here I could talk about just anything but my reason for people being shit, for today, is hypocrisy.

I think it's widely accepted that telecoms are horrible companies and the scum of the earth, and seeing them criticized and exposed for the extortionate pieces of shit that they are makes me happy. And everyone is aware of this, everyone knows on some level that they pay too much for their services, and that cartels are established to make sure of this.

Yet today I saw a post about a telephonist at a telecom who had an encounter with a woman who was clearly affected by some sort of mental illness: she thought she could transfer the internet via wifi with her mind. That's kind of amusing, certainly. But I was mostly amazed at how quick people were to discredit this woman, as if she was just an idiot. All dislike for telecoms vanished, and it was the woman's fault now. It was her fault she called technicians 4 times @ $100 a pop after disconnecting her modem, it was her fault she went crazy.

Crazy people behavior (of this type) amuses me like it amuses anyone else, and I don't think it's wrong to laugh, but I think it's disgusting to see how little compassion these hypocrites have. It happened on imgur, a stronghold of simpletons (albeit sometimes funny ones) who are competing for internet notoriety, and while they bandwagon behind sob stories that are fleshed out, they fail to see that they lack any compassion when it comes to real life situations.

And to make myself clear I'm not trying to be the morality police here, it's an observation. I'm one of those people who think we should be able to joke about absolutely everything, and I myself laugh at insanely dark jokes that'd make soccer moms cry. But when people start defending Telecoms from sick old women who probably don't understand what they're doing, that's when we have a problem. That's when we see that under the visible layer of soft, nice people, there's a bunch of dumb sociopaths who only get outraged at the sight of buzzwords and only feel emotions at the sight of cats.

For the love of god, KTJ, SPOILER DAT POOP.

Anyhow, what was I going to say. I was doing some browsing on the depression section of reddit trying to procrastinate and do some soul searching. I found a well thought out explanation on why depressed people cling to people and it perfectly described why I'm still clinging to StarCraft. Uhuhuhhuhuhuhuhuhu. You don't understand. sigh. My skills are slipping away. Ugh. Gah. I keep losing to gimmicky plays...so depressing. I think i'm just going to give up StarCraft finally, just like what I said in my previous post in this thread. Still though, do I REALLY want to stop playing starcraft when the last game I played was a BS loss? It's tempting.

Fucking algorithm homework. I don't give a shit about proving the runtime efficiency. I know it's important stuff, but just let people who actually enjoy solving this shit do it. I'm in CS to code up stuff, not doing proofs. Why do I have to spend my fall break doing this shit. FFFFFFFFFFFF

I mean it's my senior year none of these classes matter anyway so why spend hours trying to do good when it won't matter in June when I graduate.

Intensely personal one, so I'll keep it vague... But I am so angry and hurt today that I just want to go nuclear and destroy everything in my life. scorch and salt the earth behind me and leave to never be found again. If I didn't have a house/mortgage keeping me in town, I might have tossed out all my possessions and fled from society and tried to start over somewhere new. Its hard being devastated so bad by someone and then trying to keep things together to keep your job, keep paying your bills, and find the desire to carry on. I'm just so angry today and have no healthy outlet to get it out when I'm at work trying to pretend like I'm still capable of functioning and contributing to keep getting that paycheck i need.

I need to vent about my damn dad. Recently I decided to try the JET programme, and one of the requirements is you need two sealed letter of references. The thing is, I no longer live near these references. Before moving I had asked my dad if he'd be okay picking the letters up at the school and mailing them to me once they were done, and he was supportive.

However he's always been unreliable, which made me worried. He seems more like he cares because he has to care, not because he actually cares. Little details give this away. I was hesitant to ask him, but he's the only person there I could have gotten.

Anyway, so far he's managed to insult my professor by not meeting him at the time they agreed to to pick up the (and not even apologizing), and he opened the other letter that he picked up earlier, meaning he needs to bring that back to get it resealed. HE HAD NO FUCKING REASON TO OPEN THE GOD DAMN LETTER. LITERALLY NONE. HE OPENED AND THEN FAXED THE FUCKING THING, BECAUSE HE'S GOING ON VACATION FOR 4 DAYS AND DIDN'T KNOW WHEN I NEEDED IT BY. IF HE HAD ACTUALLY GAVE A FUCK AND THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT HE WAS DOING HE WOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT, BECAUSE IT SERVED NO PURPOSE AT ALL.

All he fucking had to do was ask, just once, what I wanted him to do. But nope, he doesn't give a fuck, he'll just do whatever works best for him. Not only is the thing not due for a month, so there was no need to rush, BUT I ALREADY HAD A FUCKING COPY OF THE LETTER EMAILED TO ME, SO HE DID NOTHING BUT RUIN THE CURRENT LETTER.

The worst part about all this? I figured he'd fuck it up, because he just doesn't care. Somehow he managed to fuck up something as simple as going to a building, picking up a letter, and mailing it. He just doesn't actually care about others, which is really irritating, because he tries to act like he does. And I knew this was how he'd be.

Now here I am, on the other side of the country, kicking myself for being in the worst possible situation that I didn't want to be in but figured would happen. I don't know how someone can be so damn self-centred. I have to just hope he manages to pick up the letter he missed before, and that my other reference returns from their trip in time to resign the letter.

It's just surreal. I don't think I've ever been so disappointed in someone before.

College kids are some of the most spoiled and immature brats I have met. Because I cannot afford college, I like to make pilgrimages to Occidental College to make sure I do not fall behind intellectually. After a day of studying, I found that my bike was stolen even though it was chained.
Then when I talk to the students, they are some of the most dull people I have met. The most there is to their life is imgurizing their life, partying, video games, and meaningless conversation. Then there are the professors who are insufferable whenever I bring up the problem of intellectuals being for the most part useless and isolated from society and every single one of them agrees with me, but they all think they are not part of the problem. Bring the Cultural Revolution to the college campuses please.