joke thread 09 - Page 3

It heard that the referee was blowing fouls.

His ass.

Where you left it

Ilene

Matt

Bob

Juan on Juan

They both go around Uranus looking for Klingons

A famous cardiologist died, and everyone was gathered at his funeral. His coffin was displayed in front of a huge model heart. When the minister finished his sermon and everyone said their goodbyes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment, one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked, "Why are you laughing?" The mourner said, "Well, I was just thinking about my own funeral." The man asked, "Well, what's so funny about that?"

And the mourner said, "I'm a gynecologist."

One night a man rolls over in bed, giving his wife a big grin. She says, "Not tonight, honey. I have a gynecologist's appointment tomorrow. I want to stay fresh and clean." The man, feeling rejected, rolls over and tries to go to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls over again and asks his wife, "Do you have a dentist's appointment tomorrow?"

A cruise ship passes a small desert island. Everyone watches as a ratty-looking bearded man runs out on the beach and starts shouting and waving his hands.

"Who's that?" asks one of the passengers.

"I have no idea," replies the captain. "But every year we sail past and he goes nuts.”

A guy is sitting on his sofa when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there's a knock at the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, "What the hell was that all about?”

Two muffins go into an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Hey, man, does it feel like it's getting hotter in here to you?"

The other muffin says, "Holy shit — a talking muffin!"

Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that. The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!" "That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you."

What did the banana say to the vibrator? "What are you shakin' for? She's gonna eat me."

After dinner, two elderly women retire to the kitchen and leave their husbands to chat. One of the men says, "Last night we went out to a great new restaurant." The other asks, "What's it called?" The first man knits his brow in concentration and finally says, "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?" His friend replies, "A carnation?" "No, no. The other one," the first man says. "The poppy?" wonders his friend. "No," growls the man. "You know, the one with thorns!" "Do you mean a rose?" asks the other man. "Yes, that's it!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing-eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.
The manager runs up to the man and shouts, "What are you doing?!"
The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

"You need to stop masturbating," the doctor says. The man asks, "Why?" The doctor replies, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.... You know what?"
"What dear?" she asked gently.
"I think you're bad luck. Get the fuck away from me."

A man wakes up one morning with a hangover. Going downstairs, he says to his wife, "Honey, I know I made a fool of myself at the company party last night. Remind me what I did."
"You got in an argument with your boss."
"Well, piss on him," says the man.
"You did. He fired you," replies his wife.
"Well, screw him!" the man screams.
"I did," says his wife. "You're back to work on Monday."

An old farmer and his wife are lying in bed. He leans over one night, touches her breast, and says, "If this thing could still give milk, we could get rid of the cow." She reaches over and grabs his member. "And if this thing could still get hard," she says, "we could get rid of the dog."

A blond goes into an electronics store and asks, "How much is this TV?" The salesman says, "Sorry, we don't sell to blonds." So she dyes her hair and comes back as a brunette. "How much is this TV?" she asks. Again the salesman says, "I'm sorry, we don't sell to blonds." A few weeks later she goes in as a redhead, but again he announces, "We don't sell to blonds!" Finally she says, "My hair is red. How did you know I was really a blond?" The salesman says, "Because it's not a TV. It's a microwave."


A blond is at the front desk of a library. She says to the librarian, “I’d like a cheeseburger with fries.” The librarian – “Uh…. excuse me, but this is a library.”
The blond looks around herself embarrassingly, turns around, and whispers “Sorry, I’d like a cheeseburger with fries.”


Why was the blond wearing condoms on her ears? Because she didn’t want to get hearing aids.

the fourth one ducked.