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It just seems like every movement I make is one step forward, fifty backward. Rock bottom is a flawed term. In life there is no limit to the depths you can achieve. I'm never able to conceive of the places I sink to until I'm in them. From here, the tiny bits of "hope" or "progress" I've clung to look pathetic and laughable.
Writing is the only thing I feel like doing when it gets like this. Yet reading back the emo shit I just typed out tends to be depressing in itself. There is a brief catharsis though that drives me to repeat this behavior. I know the only good thing I can do for myself now is "go out, do something, help someone". It is so hard though with the years of isolation and failure weighing on me like a curtain of lead. When nearly all the harm in your life has been wrought by yourself, it makes you indecisive to the point of paralysis. I'm tired in a way that can't be undone with sleep.
  
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Yo dawg, I take zoloft.
Do it.
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i think its a good thing your using writing as a tool to vent your depression. Just be thankful for the simple things in life and learn to just let some things go your only hurting yourself.
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United States24782 Posts
I'm feeling depressed on a smaller scale for a different reason. I can't mix playing games and being busy with work/etc very well. I can't concentrate on games when they are in between sessions of work and meeting deadlines and getting typical crap done. I also am not a workaholic and can't just get all my work done immediately. I'm perpetually in a state of not being able to do particularly fun things and just end up procrastinating, often because I feel tired/bleh.
I only every play games seriously anymore in summer and sometimes during vacation. Meh.
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United States12607 Posts
Talk to your doctor about anti-depressants, see a therapist. Depression is a fatal disease for a lot of people.
I know exactly how you feel - especially about the writing as catharsis - but you have to believe me that it's not as hard as you think you break this cycle and start fresh. You've still got a ton of life ahead of you...forget the past and get your act together.
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When you're feeling down, go help other people in need.
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The best way to fight depression is to put your mind to work somehow; though this can of course be difficult if you don't wish to think about anything. All the same, try forcing yourself to read philosophy or something interesting. I suggest you try reading Book 4 of "The World as Will and Presentation" by Arthur Schopenhauer (the whole work is worth reading, but I would skip ahead to Book 4 first; and get the newest translation by Robert Aquila).
And fuck anti-depressants. From some of the things I've read, that stuff can mess with your mind. I was actually put on prozac before, but stopped taking the drug after about a month because I didn't like the way it made me feel.
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On March 06 2009 11:18 micronesia wrote:
I'm feeling depressed on a smaller scale for a different reason. I can't mix playing games and being busy with work/etc very well. I can't concentrate on games when they are in between sessions of work and meeting deadlines and getting typical crap done. I also am not a workaholic and can't just get all my work done immediately. I'm perpetually in a state of not being able to do particularly fun things and just end up procrastinating, often because I feel tired/bleh.
I only every play games seriously anymore in summer and sometimes during vacation. Meh.
Those aren't really symptoms of depression or even dysthemic disorder (which is a chronic form of depression but less severe). You have to either experience a loss of enjoyment/satisfaction from everyday activities or a generally depressed mood.
I am very familiar with your situation though. Im very ambitious but often I end up doing not nearly as much as I would've liked and am just dealing with a stressful workload in general which makes it really hard to enjoy my spare time because work is always nagging in the back of my head. These last few months that has been pretty much gone for me though. I just started making concrete plans for how much I'd do for the next day and small chunks while keeping the planning fallacy in mind (Humans always think they can do stuff in less time than it actually takes, this occurs because when we plan we don't think realistically but in terms of what we want to happen.) Should be worth a try.
And I often feel tired as well, a plausible explanation for this phenomenon could be if you are a somewhat neurotic (as opposed to stable) person. Neurotic people experience more mood changes which can be very taxing and make you tired for what often seems like no reason at all.
Also keep in mind procrastination is a short term cognitive strategy your mind uses to satisfy certain needs (like doing something fun instead of something you don't really feel like doing). I guess a greater overall happiness and less stress could help you reduce procrastination. Surrounding yourself with people you like is an ideal method for all people, even introverts.
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I've had terrible episodes of depression and severe anxiety issues lately over the past 3 months. Every time I eat I get very sick, and when I do eat, if I think of the wrong thing, a certain trigger in my life that causes me severe pain, I feel like I'm going to throw up.
My body, my muscles and my stomach is perpetually clenched and rumbling and twitching. I'm trying to come off my medication, which causes more issues. Even going down from 45 mgs to 30 mgs gave me serious symptoms, so it has to be a process over a month or two.. A month or two of feeling even worse than I have.
What's worse is that I am unable to work because of this. I can hardly go outside, nonetheless get a job I could reliably do. This of course causes more anxiety and makes me feel even worse and makes any sort of progress almost impossible.
I know what you mean by "I'm tired in a way that can't be undone by sleep." I feel precisely the same. I'm so tired, but sleep doesn't help. I'm starving but food doesn't sate me, it makes me ill. I can't meaningfully connect with any friends or family. The things I was once passionate for now bore me.
I used this blog as an opportunity to write this shit out, which I needed to do. I sympathize and wish you best of luck with recovery.
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On March 06 2009 11:54 NeVeR wrote:
And fuck anti-depressants. From some of the things I've read, that stuff can mess with your mind. I was actually put on prozac before, but stopped taking the drug after about a month because I didn't like the way it made me feel.
Anti-depressants are necessary for a lot of suffering people. They don't simply "make you happy", they try and correct something that is not functioning correctly in your head. A lot of people are pretty "fucked up" because of their natural chemistry, and anti-depressants can do a lot in helping those people become normal. If you've seen the physical symptoms of anxiety and depression. If a grown male is reduced to tears for hours and is incapable of holding down food or sustaining sleep simply because something in his head is telling him that there is a threat when there clearly is none... That's not normal and it's not a weakness. It's a matter of chemistry and there are many good medications that can help normalize this chemistry so these people can be "normal".
Every medication treats people differently, so you have to find the one that will work for you. I started one a long time ago when I literally couldn't eat or sleep, and it helped me do just that, but it stopped working, so I will try another.
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So like i just lost 5 times in a row, 5 tvzs, 5 sunken breaks before muta were out, 5 times such an easy build i failed at emulating completely.
//wrists
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hey bud everything is temporary
I have been horribly depressed for a couple months now. horribly horribly depressed.
I thought/hoped I had gotten past that in my life but I hadn't. but I know it will get better for me. It will get better for you too.
yoshtodd honestly it could be me typing your words right now. I feel very similar to that... and really my problems are very hard and I feel it would be normal for anyone to be depressed in my situation. But I know I just have to keep going forward.
try not to focus too much on how you feel. instead, focus on what you should be doing.
P.S: stuff that happened in the past doesn't matter. so stop regretting.
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the human mind works in such a way that it is conditioned to do what it does the most.
if you focus on your bad luck, that will become the primary focus of your mind. if you focus on sad things, you will constantly be reminded of sad things. if you focus on your mindstate / how happy you feel - you will constantly be checking how happy you feel(which is very bad if you are prone to depression).
if you focus on a goal, your mind will be conditioned to focus more and more on the goal.
if you focus on being happy with how things are right now, with shrugging off bad feelings and being grateful for your life and all the things in it - your mind will become conditioned to be happy and grateful. But, conditioning can take time.
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yoshtodd sounds like you need a friend! if you want someone to talk to PM me, im straight dont worry!
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just be happy, its not hard
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On March 06 2009 13:05 Yogurt wrote:
just be happy, its not hard
thats what she said
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United States24782 Posts
On March 06 2009 12:01 Frits wrote:Show nested quote +On March 06 2009 11:18 micronesia wrote:
I'm feeling depressed on a smaller scale for a different reason. I can't mix playing games and being busy with work/etc very well. I can't concentrate on games when they are in between sessions of work and meeting deadlines and getting typical crap done. I also am not a workaholic and can't just get all my work done immediately. I'm perpetually in a state of not being able to do particularly fun things and just end up procrastinating, often because I feel tired/bleh.
I only every play games seriously anymore in summer and sometimes during vacation. Meh. Those aren't really symptoms of depression or even dysthemic disorder (which is a chronic form of depression but less severe). You have to either experience a loss of enjoyment/satisfaction from everyday activities or a generally depressed mood. I am very familiar with your situation though. Im very ambitious but often I end up doing not nearly as much as I would've liked and am just dealing with a stressful workload in general which makes it really hard to enjoy my spare time because work is always nagging in the back of my head. These last few months that has been pretty much gone for me though. I just started making concrete plans for how much I'd do for the next day and small chunks while keeping the planning fallacy in mind (Humans always think they can do stuff in less time than it actually takes, this occurs because when we plan we don't think realistically but in terms of what we want to happen.) Should be worth a try. And I often feel tired as well, a plausible explanation for this phenomenon could be if you are a somewhat neurotic (as opposed to stable) person. Neurotic people experience more mood changes which can be very taxing and make you tired for what often seems like no reason at all. Also keep in mind procrastination is a short term cognitive strategy your mind uses to satisfy certain needs (like doing something fun instead of something you don't really feel like doing). I guess a greater overall happiness and less stress could help you reduce procrastination. Surrounding yourself with people you like is an ideal method for all people, even introverts.
Ah thanks for the in-depth response. I agree I'm not truly 'depressed' and I just meant it generally.
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On March 06 2009 12:28 404.Nintu wrote:Show nested quote +On March 06 2009 11:54 NeVeR wrote:
And fuck anti-depressants. From some of the things I've read, that stuff can mess with your mind. I was actually put on prozac before, but stopped taking the drug after about a month because I didn't like the way it made me feel. Anti-depressants are necessary for a lot of suffering people. They don't simply "make you happy", they try and correct something that is not functioning correctly in your head. A lot of people are pretty "fucked up" because of their natural chemistry, and anti-depressants can do a lot in helping those people become normal. If you've seen the physical symptoms of anxiety and depression. If a grown male is reduced to tears for hours and is incapable of holding down food or sustaining sleep simply because something in his head is telling him that there is a threat when there clearly is none... That's not normal and it's not a weakness. It's a matter of chemistry and there are many good medications that can help normalize this chemistry so these people can be "normal". Every medication treats people differently, so you have to find the one that will work for you. I started one a long time ago when I literally couldn't eat or sleep, and it helped me do just that, but it stopped working, so I will try another.
Well if it's really a severe case that has to do with one's biology, I suppose that drugs are the only option. Of course I suppose it's difficult to know to what extent biology plays a factor. But I feel that in more general cases, the drugs are not really solving your problems but only giving you a temporary relief. I believe that most cases of depression deal with one's ability to cope with suffering. Every person suffers, even every day, to a certain extent. Some people are simply not able to cope with it as well as others. The reason for this is not necessarily due to weakness. Perhaps it may even be one's merits that cause one to suffer in certain cases. All the same, however, such a problem cannot ever be truly cured by a mere drug, but must be cured through the (often painful) experience of the world and of life if it is ever to be reconciled.
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On March 06 2009 11:05 yoshtodd wrote:
It just seems like every movement I make is one step forward, fifty backward. Rock bottom is a flawed term. In life there is no limit to the depths you can achieve. I'm never able to conceive of the places I sink to until I'm in them. From here, the tiny bits of "hope" or "progress" I've clung to look pathetic and laughable.
Writing is the only thing I feel like doing when it gets like this. Yet reading back the emo shit I just typed out tends to be depressing in itself. There is a brief catharsis though that drives me to repeat this behavior. I know the only good thing I can do for myself now is "go out, do something, help someone". It is so hard though with the years of isolation and failure weighing on me like a curtain of lead. When nearly all the harm in your life has been wrought by yourself, it makes you indecisive to the point of paralysis. I'm tired in a way that can't be undone with sleep.
Man, I feel you. I remember when I had to move back home after graduating from college. I was pretty much at rock bottom - living with my mom, no money, no job, and my car finally broke down (i was riding the bus ~4 months before i moved home).
I have no father, brothers, sisters, cousins, uncles, aunts, etc...and so I know a little bit about isolation and being alone as well. I was depressed about the fact that my life had no direction, and I was had no idea on how to find the path that I could follow. I didn't want to talk to any of my friends because they all had jobs and were more or less well off - and what could I say - I was unemployed and sucking at life?
I struggled for about a year and a half working odd jobs, saved up a little bit of money, and decided to just say "fuck it" and move out and trust in myself to be able to make it. I think that thanks to all of my hard work I have been blessed and things have a way of just working out if you believe (I'm not religious in the slightest, but that word just seems appropriate).
I guess what I'm trying to say is that nothing comes easy, and you have to grind your way towards anything meaningful. You are the iron and life is the hammer and the anvil - you may get pounded and folder over 100x, but eventually you will become a sharp and powerful weapon able to slay anything that stands in your way.
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EPT
