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As most of you guys know my parents are asian and strict, i have complained to my real life friends and internet friends about their abnormal behaviors, but however, i'm starting to see something positive out of all the stress i'm getting...
Ok just some background information, im a 17 year old and ever since my highschool years began i was not able to go out with friends ever, not even in the weekends. I'm suppose to study approximately 7 hours a day on weekdays, and study about 12 hours on weekends. I actually only find myself doing half of what they expect me to do, i complain about their behaviors all the time to my friends at school that was never able to hang with me in their spare times...
However this will lead me to be a better parent to my kids and live a entire better life after i move out.
The way i see this is through this simple anology: If a hobo gets 50$ a week he'd scream in joy, however if a doctor gets a 80000 year he'd only be "satisfied".
Basically how this relates is that, if a kid has always gotten a lot of freedom while he lived under their parent's roof, it won't be much different once he gains complete freedom after he moves out. However if a guy like me has super strict parents, and once i am free i feel excellent. There is no upside if there is no downside, you can't feel good if you never felt bad.
To be honest i think all this strict discipline im recieving is all bullcrap, its useless... If i dont ever suffer i can never feel that happiness once i have when i get that issue off my back. My parents are always saying this like "i want you to be a doctor so you dont have to worry about getting laid off". I believe that people have many things to worry about in their lives, if they aren't worried about being laid off they are worried about something else. If they've never WORRIED ABOUT ANYTHING in their lives, a little issue would seem like a huge climax in their timeline.
So basically in conclusion i think its not actually that important to teach your kids to avoid the troubles that the parent is currently recieving, exceptions to this are uncurable physical health issues and addictive drugs..etc. If when the kid grows up and never experience any of the problems his parents got, he would take some simple issue and make it like a huge ass deal.
I think someday when i get a family, i'm not going to be super strict on my children, and i WANT them to fall in to those 'mistakes' so they can get out of it feeling like a new person. By no means if i find them doing illegal drugs i won't get pissed at them, but to be honest i think worrying so much about only my children's grades is completely useless... The state of mind of a doctor on an average day and a car mechanic (assuming he likes his job) is the SAME. The doctor isn't enjoying his life any more than the mechanic if he's had that luxury all his life.
 
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I believe the best thing a parent can do for your kid would be support his/her interests, BUT that doesn't mean give a kid a free ride. The biggest problem with my generation (I believe) is that the parents are far too easy on them. Spoiling a kid is probably the worst thing a parent can do. Satisfy him/her, but the parent still has to keep him/her disciplined. I don't mean get the belt out and whip the kid, but actually enforce punishments like grounding, and etc.
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Calgary25978 Posts
On January 17 2009 10:32 YPang wrote:
Basically how this relates is that, if a kid has always gotten a lot of freedom while he lived under their parent's roof, it won't be much different once he gains complete freedom after he moves out. However if a guy like me has super strict parents, and once i am free i feel excellent. There is no upside if there is no downside, you can't feel good if you never felt bad.
Be careful when you get your freedom. These are usually the people who can't handle alcohol, or drugs, or boundryless life in general. Baby steps 
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Yes best college advice ever- know your limit.
Also, when you gotta go, do it on grass.
Pavement.. spatters ;o
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Yeah... life isn't just about getting high marks and getting a high paying job (especially if you aren't happy with it).
I've always been saying this in mind: I rather go to a doctor who worked his ass off and has a passion in being one over someone who was forced to become one because of his parents or some sort.
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Remember that you don't want to be your childrens' "buddy" as this leads to catastrophic results later.
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your gonna do alot of drugs in college i guarantee it.
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i have had long discussions with my friend about this issue. most asian parents are in for the superficial shit, glorify family, so they can brag about it, show it off to their friends. make them superior to others and shit. but at what expense? first of all, not all asians are smart and can become doctors, even when they become doctor, they probably hate it to the bones and wasted 20 years in school for some superficial shit for their parents.
ill give you one example of my friend. he studies all day and tries to get good marks, but guess what, he gets 65% average in university and says he wants to become pharmacist or get phd and shit. i was laughing my ass off but at same time i find it amusing, also his parents had another son soon after he came to canada, and after all these time i came to the conclusion the reason they had another son is because my friend is no good, and his parents know it, they can't expect him to find a job later on and support them, so have another kid and have another hope, at least they get like 10k from government for having another kid. now he tells me his dad lost his job, both parents unemployed and he is staying in university for like another 2 years, he entered university same time as me and i am graduating soon.... talk about pathetic and being unrealistic at its best...
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United States47024 Posts
IMO it comes down to the child's personality, and style of learning. Some people learn things better through positive feedback, some better through negative. Some people learn better being lectured and drilled, and others learn better making the mistakes themselves. There's no one "correct" way of parenting. It depends on the kind of person you are, and the kind of person your child is.
Your parents' style isn't definitely wrong, nor is it definitely right. There are plenty of highly successful people who have benefited from the sort of family culture you're coming from. The problem is that a lot of Asian parents like to take a few success cases and generalize, which you can't do. The strict family structure doesn't work for everyone.
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Spending all your time studying = no distinguishing extracurriculars/sports/job/communityservice, which is what top colleges are looking for. I thought parents who want their kids to be successful are the ones who want them to get into a top college.
Then again, it's just a generalization; your parents seem to have different goals for you.
I disagree with your parents' philosophy on raising children.
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I like my dad's parenting style...
Although he's asian he isn't strict. Basically he's ok with me doing anything as long as I don't fuck up, which is pretty chill. He has high expectations though, he just says that I should succeed in a way that I choose myself even if he doesn't think it is the best.
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On January 17 2009 11:07 Hypnosis wrote:
your gonna do alot of drugs in college i guarantee it.
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Being born to asian parents living in britain, my siblings and I have been raised with an odd combination of both the traditional chinese and "western" values.
My parents are very lenient but the one thing they really do care about is our grades (after health of course). They just want the best for their children and can't stand just watching while they fail school and drop in with the wrong crowd.
I do think your parents are too strict, but I don't like the "can't feel good if you haven't felt bad" argument. I think there's much more important downsides to excessive discipline than that. Such as not being able to run your own life and make decisions without your parents permission.
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Bosnia-Herzegovina1437 Posts
Yea, dude, you don't know how much weed your going to smoke.
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United States47024 Posts
On January 17 2009 11:28 Nytefish wrote:
I think there's much more important downsides to excessive discipline than that. Such as not being able to run your own life and make decisions without your parents permission.
This is related to learning style. Some people can learn to make the right choices by seeing the right choice made for them 5 times, and drawing conclusions from those choices. Some people learn by making the wrong choice themselves 5 times. Both work, but for different kinds of people. From the parenting side, its up to the parent to learn and figure out which way their child is more responsive to.
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On January 17 2009 10:43 Chill wrote:Show nested quote +On January 17 2009 10:32 YPang wrote:
Basically how this relates is that, if a kid has always gotten a lot of freedom while he lived under their parent's roof, it won't be much different once he gains complete freedom after he moves out. However if a guy like me has super strict parents, and once i am free i feel excellent. There is no upside if there is no downside, you can't feel good if you never felt bad. Be careful when you get your freedom. These are usually the people who can't handle alcohol, or drugs, or boundryless life in general. Baby steps
This.
My cousin was totally sheltered her whole childhood/teen years (wasn't even allowed to watch TV) by her dad and stepmom. When she moved away for college she ended up dropping out after a semester and got married at 20. She now lives in a crappy apartment and works 30 hours a week at a fucking drug store.
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I disagree with some of the stuff you say. While it's true everyone finds something to worry about, wouldn't you rather worry about paying off your mortgage than finding money for food? The hobo looks at the doctor and thinks "gee, I wish I had his problems" and the doctor looks at the hobo and thinks "I'm glad I don't have those problems," even if the doctor isn't enjoying life any more than the hobo.
As for the downside of excessive discipline, well, at some point, you will have to make your own choices. And quite honestly, I don't see what you have to gain from running your own life when you're 16 instead of waiting until you're 18. And as other posters mentioned, don't get carried away with freedom too quickly. I have quite a few friends who were great in high school but ended up failing their first semester at college.
A somewhat unrelated point:
This will sound very cynical and retarded to some of you. My parents were also pretty hard on me when I was in high school. However, I felt the reason they were doing it was because they saw me as some kind of "trophy" - a symbol of their success. I really thought part of the reason they wanted me to be successful was so they could brag about it to their friends. I don't know how true (if at all) these assumptions are. Anyone feel the same way?
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On January 17 2009 11:25 ieatkids5 wrote:
Spending all your time studying = no distinguishing extracurriculars/sports/job/communityservice, which is what top colleges are looking for. I thought parents who want their kids to be successful are the ones who want them to get into a top college.
Then again, it's just a generalization; your parents seem to have different goals for you.
I disagree with your parents' philosophy on raising children.
I'm doing activities so i don't have to stay inside 24/7... I actually do and try and participate into as much activities as i possibly can to have an excuse for getting out... I've done cross country/track, however now my parents dont allow me to do it anymore until senior year or something because they think i should use that time to study for my ACT's... And as everyone knows, people seek immediate rewards, and yes i do catch myself doing nothing when i get home at 3:30, until like 6 after i eat dinner... T_T;;
My mom/friends told me that usually many kids to bad freshmen year of college, and i'm aware of this too, but i still have a feeling that i'm going to fall in this trap anyways... I'm just being honest and real...
TBH i dont think i will do drugs or w/e... i haven't really been tempted to do it in high school, not because my parents say i shouldn't but i think i generally shouldn't, there's a difference between wanting to do something because my parents say and and wanting to do it because i want it.
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On January 17 2009 11:28 Nytefish wrote:
Being born to asian parents living in britain, my siblings and I have been raised with an odd combination of both the traditional chinese and "western" values.
My parents are very lenient but the one thing they really do care about is our grades (after health of course). They just want the best for their children and can't stand just watching while they fail school and drop in with the wrong crowd.
I do think your parents are too strict, but I don't like the "can't feel good if you haven't felt bad" argument. I think there's much more important downsides to excessive discipline than that. Such as not being able to run your own life and make decisions without your parents permission.
My parents are like this too. Above all, they want me to become independent, able to support myself while not making the wrong choices and hanging with the wrong crowd and doing drugs. And although grades maybe aren't a requirement for this, education is.
With a proper education, people can be independent. However, some stuff is not/cannot be taught at school and must be taught by parents. This is where a lot of Asian parents go wrong.
A parent teaches that stuff to his/her child. Almost everything they do can probably be called "teaching".
So I think a good parent is basically a teacher of the subject of life, how to succeed, and how to live it.
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Edit: wow this was a lot longer than I intended it to be.
On January 17 2009 10:40 FragKrag wrote:
I believe the best thing a parent can do for your kid would be support his/her interests, BUT that doesn't mean give a kid a free ride. The biggest problem with my generation (I believe) is that the parents are far too easy on them. Spoiling a kid is probably the worst thing a parent can do. Satisfy him/her, but the parent still has to keep him/her disciplined. I don't mean get the belt out and whip the kid, but actually enforce punishments like grounding, and etc.
Going through High school was so frustrating, I don't come from a wealthy family and I've been working since I was 12 be it shoveling driveways or raking leaves or whatever so that I could get money to support my interests and hobbies. My parents for the most part were strict like YPangs but I was allowed to hang out with my friends after X amount of studying and my homework and work and everything being done.
Now when I got to high school there are all these kids who have never had a job in their life and are living off of their parents money and looked down on me because I didn't wear designer clothes and I wasn't always able to go out for lunch to a restaurant because I didn't want to spend 20$ for some shitty food when I could go home and cook myself something.
Now where the problem starts is when these kids started going to parties on the weekends when somebody's parents were out of town or because the person's parents were so relaxed and their grades started taking a huge blow however me I always had to study and get homework done so I only got to go to a few parties where as these people are getting tanks and fucking their lives up. The kids then proceed to call me a nerd at school and try to pick fights with me. Now I'm a big guy 170 pounds and I was a running back for my high school football team and throughout my earlier years.
Now I would deny these fights but once I got a girlfriend the spoiled kids start bitching her out and being an ass to her which I won't put up with now these people try to start fights with me and I accept only to have them run off to tell a bunch of older kids and word gets around the school and I get fucked in the ass by my parents.
NOW here is the lesson having strict parents is not a bad thing because although I didn't get to hang out with my friends as much as I'd like to and I got royally fucked with a shit tonne of grounding and time with no computer I did get great grades in school while also being a star football player and I had no trouble getting into university (On a full scholarship).
YPang I think if you are too lenient with your kids they will end up being little shit-tards like these people you see in high school and I understand you wanting them to fall and learn the lesson so they don't fall later on along the road but you have to have a healthy balance. Things like making them eat healthy and study are just great things to do as apposed to just letting them have whatever and do whatever. You shouldn't restrict them from hanging out with their buddies like your parents did but that does not mean you should go ahead and let them do whatever.
Make them do their homework and get a job and simple things like that because in the long run it will have a huge effect on their future and they can still fall down but you'll be holding their hand so that they don't cut their knee on the concrete.
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wow.. that is so riddiculous.. 7 hours on your freetime and you are 17? Never heard of anyone working close to that much over here. Those who study "a lot" work 1 or 2 hours a day, the majority doesn't do more than maybe 7 hours a year, not including the last month before exams. Oh well we generally perform poorly on international tests too though, guess it has a price to be chiiill.
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"i want you to be a doctor so you dont have to worry about getting laid off".
That is not necessarily true (indirectly)... Do some research about the current state of medicine. It is not exactly in shambles, but it is not even close to the glory days of the past when cardiothoracic surgeons made millions performing CABGs (just an example). For starters, you can start with the current state of primary care... This post may not help you understand what it is like currently in the world of medicine and that is because I don't even know where to begin.
By no means am I trying to discourage you from pursuing the path to becoming a physician. I'm just saying be careful of the stuff you parents feed you about being a doctor. I think I can safely say, asian parents (unless they are physicians employed in the states) are incredibly ignorant about the current state of medicine. Having that said, no one really knows what the future holds for medicine (you can probably say that about other occupations as well). For example, anesthegiology was one of the easiest to match into for residency and looked down upon in medicine but now... it's one of the most difficult to match into. Needless to say, it is a lucrative field in medicine and the hours and lifestyle are friendlier than most of the fields in medicine.
Edit: Okay, I realized that was a bad example. What I really was trying to hit home here was, medicine isn't doing so hot right now. Now some may argue that the grass is greener on the other side, but after investing 4 years of medical school, x number of years of residency (depends on which residency) and fellowship (if you choose to), an amazing amount of debt, crappy pay as resident and/or fellow... well, I hope you get the point. But because there is so much government intervention and politics involved in medicine right now, how medicine (in general) will do a few years from now, no one really knows. You better know this is your calling.
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I actually don't want to be a physician, to be honest going through all that medical school and missing out on a HUGE part of my 20-35 yearhood to me is just not worth to be super rich in my 40's... I already feel like i missed a lot of my teenage life, and i really hoped that it wouldn't be that way.
To be honest i have no idea what im interested in as of now, i enjoy science especially chemistry/biology, but going to school for that long don't appeal to me, and makes me lose interest in that job...
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Well, I mean you still have a lot of time to decide. That's what college is for I guess. Sorry to come off as condescending. I've just been hearing a lot of people lately who want to pursue a path in the field of medicine lately because it is a stable and lucrative occupation. Must be due to the current economy but it is not entirely true.
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dude...if your parents are correctly assuming ( i hope) that you won't transform yourself into a thug life gangsta flashing triad gang signs and robbin' people left and right, then i suppose the sole purpose of their half-ass attempt at monitoring you is to force you to get high marks. (half-ass because lets face it...no one can be totally monitored into studying all day...you're not always home..and when you are , you can pretend that you're studying while in fact you're honing your Starcraft skills, just close your door..or use alt-tab)
So everything must be revolving around marks. Yet you dont mention them at all in your OP. If you do get high grades, what can your parents say? Also..talk to your parents..not your friends..confront the source of the problem and ask them concretely how high they want you to score and you'll agree with them whether it's realistic or not. You wont score necessarily higher if you study 7 to 12 hours a day. Especially in high school. You'll be braindead by then and wont feel like learning anything more. ..what you need to do is to study your ass off in a reasonable and well-structured schedule. Work Hard, Play hard, keep a balance.
P.S. being a doctor is the worst way to
A. Make lots of money
B. Be happy
C. Have time freedom in your life.
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Ypang, I can give you the opposite story since i am 17 years old, do very little studying, and have always had a lot of freedom from my parents. I think that a strict childhood is not a must-have for success, I have fucked up my grades and my academic life multiple times, but i honestly have no regrets. i am going into fine arts (visual arts and literature) in unniversity, and my parents (who are also artistic) don't mind at all that i am going into such a disregarded field, my theory is that if you try hard you can be successful in anything. I have wished that my parents would disipline me more sometimes, when i was unsure of my future (i am still a little unsure) but i think that it all comes down to the will of the person in the end. If you are pursueing something you do not want to do, you can not be satisfied, you can only satisfy other people. However, since most people do not know what they want to do, it is a good thing for their parents to guide them into a safe field, if you find a passion in something, do not be afraid to drop what you are doing and transfer into a different program. I have no regrets about my past, i have done crazy things, stupid things, and very fun things as well, and i have no regrets about my future because i have faith that doing what i want will make me successful, however, i also live in Vancouver, Canada and there is a higher than average number of job opportunities, i do not know the situation of where you live, but the most important thing is your work ethic, if you study 7 hours a day to become a doctor and find another passion, switch! because if you study 7 hours a day for anything you will be successful at it. Right now i have a sub-par work ethic but i am picking up and growing up i guess, i will be able to go to post-secondary education, but i cannot say what i will do after that.
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On January 17 2009 13:03 TheFlashyOne wrote:
dude...if your parents are correctly assuming ( i hope) that you won't transform yourself into a thug life gangsta flashing triad gang signs and robbin' people left and right, then i suppose the sole purpose of their half-ass attempt at monitoring you is to force you to get high marks. (half-ass because lets face it...no one can be totally monitored into studying all day...you're not always home..and when you are , you can pretend that you're studying while in fact you're honing your Starcraft skills, just close your door..or use alt-tab)
So everything must be revolving around marks. Yet you dont mention them at all in your OP. If you do get high grades, what can your parents say? Also..talk to your parents..not your friends..confront the source of the problem and ask them concretely how high they want you to score and you'll agree with them whether it's realistic or not. You wont score necessarily higher if you study 7 to 12 hours a day. Especially in high school. You'll be braindead by then and wont feel like learning anything more. ..what you need to do is to study your ass off in a reasonable and well-structured schedule. Work Hard, Play hard, keep a balance.
P.S. being a doctor is the worst way to
A. Make lots of money
B. Be happy
C. Have time freedom in your life.
Lol, you actually hit me right on the nail, i do play starcraft whenever their not home, and the reason behind that is obviously i can't play it when they are home. However my grades are not as high as my parents would like them to be, i'm satisfied with it though. I usually get a little over 50% worth of A's.
But meh, you have no idea how hard it is to convince asian parents of something, my parents ( prob shouldn't generalize a whole nation) are very narrow minded and won't take new suggestions unless they've been exposed to it for a LOONG time. I do study though only when i feel like it, i feel that all my parent's efforts in forcing me to study is not working, and i still do w/e i feel like basically. All they've done is limited the things that i can do in my free time ( some of them are hanging with friends and running track/cross country).
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OMFG YANG IM NOT EVEN GOING TO READ YOUR WORTHLESS BULLSHIT. I have better things to do in my time. Like fuck your mother.....I'll leave a map of hawaii on her jaw. It fits well.
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On January 17 2009 14:26 Kennelie wrote:
OMFG YANG IM NOT EVEN GOING TO READ YOUR WORTHLESS BULLSHIT. I have better things to do in my time. Like fuck your mother.....I'll leave a map of hawaii on her jaw. It fits well.
seems like you are a propper example where you could see parents failed to teach respect.
Times changed a lot and it becaame more hard to find a perfect way to educate your kids. These days kids expect more freedom, the risk to get into drugs increased and ppl fall much faster into stupid things.
Maybe i am just lucky but until now i do not have any problems with my sons, they follow the few rules we have and we have a very good relationship.
One deal is "No drugs or heavy alc and smoking until 18 and we pay the driverslicense", worked for oldest, lets see what the rest does .
Anyway, i am happy to have male only since when i look at my friends girls it seem they have more trouble to make them following rules :D, but every person is different and there is no general way how to grow perfect successfull humans
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Aotearoa39261 Posts
On January 17 2009 21:14 Ilvy wrote:Show nested quote +On January 17 2009 14:26 Kennelie wrote:
OMFG YANG IM NOT EVEN GOING TO READ YOUR WORTHLESS BULLSHIT. I have better things to do in my time. Like fuck your mother.....I'll leave a map of hawaii on her jaw. It fits well. seems like you are a propper example where you could see parents failed to teach respect. Times changed a lot and it becaame more hard to find a perfect way to educate your kids. These days kids expect more freedom, the risk to get into drugs increased and ppl fall much faster into stupid things. Maybe i am just lucky but until now i do not have any problems with my sons, they follow the few rules we have and we have a very good relationship. One deal is "No drugs or heavy alc and smoking until 18 and we pay the driverslicense", worked for oldest, lets see what the rest does . Anyway, i am happy to have male only since when i look at my friends girls it seem they have more trouble to make them following rules :D, but every person is different and there is no general way how to grow perfect successfull humans exactly right
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On January 17 2009 10:43 Chill wrote:Show nested quote +On January 17 2009 10:32 YPang wrote:
Basically how this relates is that, if a kid has always gotten a lot of freedom while he lived under their parent's roof, it won't be much different once he gains complete freedom after he moves out. However if a guy like me has super strict parents, and once i am free i feel excellent. There is no upside if there is no downside, you can't feel good if you never felt bad. Be careful when you get your freedom. These are usually the people who can't handle alcohol, or drugs, or boundryless life in general. Baby steps
Thats excatly what i was thinking
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On January 17 2009 13:12 YPang wrote:Show nested quote +On January 17 2009 13:03 TheFlashyOne wrote:
dude...if your parents are correctly assuming ( i hope) that you won't transform yourself into a thug life gangsta flashing triad gang signs and robbin' people left and right, then i suppose the sole purpose of their half-ass attempt at monitoring you is to force you to get high marks. (half-ass because lets face it...no one can be totally monitored into studying all day...you're not always home..and when you are , you can pretend that you're studying while in fact you're honing your Starcraft skills, just close your door..or use alt-tab)
So everything must be revolving around marks. Yet you dont mention them at all in your OP. If you do get high grades, what can your parents say? Also..talk to your parents..not your friends..confront the source of the problem and ask them concretely how high they want you to score and you'll agree with them whether it's realistic or not. You wont score necessarily higher if you study 7 to 12 hours a day. Especially in high school. You'll be braindead by then and wont feel like learning anything more. ..what you need to do is to study your ass off in a reasonable and well-structured schedule. Work Hard, Play hard, keep a balance.
P.S. being a doctor is the worst way to
A. Make lots of money
B. Be happy
C. Have time freedom in your life. Lol, you actually hit me right on the nail, i do play starcraft whenever their not home, and the reason behind that is obviously i can't play it when they are home. However my grades are not as high as my parents would like them to be, i'm satisfied with it though. I usually get a little over 50% worth of A's. But meh, you have no idea how hard it is to convince asian parents of something, my parents ( prob shouldn't generalize a whole nation) are very narrow minded and won't take new suggestions unless they've been exposed to it for a LOONG time. I do study though only when i feel like it, i feel that all my parent's efforts in forcing me to study is not working, and i still do w/e i feel like basically. All they've done is limited the things that i can do in my free time ( some of them are hanging with friends and running track/cross country).
Honestly, this is the exact problem with a strict parenting style. The kids grow up and live with the mindset, "how can I get away with this" and "will I get yelled at for doing this?" With that mindset, you never learn how to actually live and manage responsibility. Those are the kids who fail out of college quickly. They do what they've always done. "Will I get yelled at for skipping class?" Answer: no. In their experience this yields the best case result so it is the right decision.
Honestly, that attitude teaches kids nothing about life, just how to cheat the system and not get yelled at. Their primary goal in highschool isn't to be successful, it's to not get yelled at.
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I dunno if this will make you feel better, but, looking back, I wish that my parents had been a bit more strict with me, especially when was a teenager since I basically wasted all my time then.
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EPT
