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Heloo! Well, getting to the point, I've been having these thoughts, negative thoughts, about my girlfriend and where she is at certain times of the day and what she is doing. She tells me she's just sleeping or she was taking a nap and I call her and I just hear silence most of the time(unlike me, always hearing people talking/yelling/laughing when she calls me xD) but it just eats away at me.
What is she doing?
I ask myself that question a lot and I don't like the thoughts I conjure up to fill that gap. It has almost lead me to breaking up with her because she wouldn't tell me what she was doing once(she was outside and was just looking at anthills and stuff) and she wasn't even doing much anyways.
What I want help with is on how to get this "baggage" off of me. One of my friends went on the same path, breaking up with his girlfriend of 1 year and 5 months because his girlfriend would always hang out with her friends/want to hang out with her friends and he would always just have negative thoughts as to what she is doing. The thing is, I started talking with her and she would tell me that "He always thinks I'm cheating but I'm not... I love him." It kills you, so much that you don't even want to worry about it. You still do because you love them but it's really a shitty feeling.
The feeling you get when you start thinking about your girlfriend cheating on you is a terrible one, one that nobody on this planet would want to feel more than once. Yet, I'm feeling it all the time. I don't want to feel this anymore... but, breaking up with my girlfriend would probably be the worst mistake in the world for me. How to I get rid of these thoughts?
Also, a side question: Do you think talking about "staying together forever" and marriage and living together is good to talk about when you've only gone out with the chick for 4 months or so? XD
 
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your side question + your main problem = wtf.
maybe you're just too attach to her, this is where the trust part comes in a relationship I think. Though I never had a gf so don't take me too seriously. As for your side question, theres nothing wrong with talking about it I don't think, idk how much good it will do but I don't think it should harm anything.
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I don't really understand you. Either you have a serious reason to suspect her of cheating or you don't.
It sounds to me like you're just overly possessive and/or paranoid.
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United States12607 Posts
Talking about "forever" is pretty normal at four months I'd say...but if you can't trust her then something is wrong with the relationship. You should be able to know that she feels about you how you feel about her, and that means she'd never cheat.
So...if you're so convinced she's cheating, why don't you just talk to her about it? I guarantee some conclusion to this problem will come out of that conversation, but it may be that she just dumps you for being overprotective.
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United States7488 Posts
No, don't talk about that stuff like staying and living together.
It's good that she is going out with friends. You want her to have a life outside of you, otherwise you are going to get very bored with her and her oversmothering of you. There is nothing wrong with her wanting to spend time alone of with her friends. In fact, you should encourage that behavior.
If things are getting stale, spice it up a bit. Go do something neither of ou has done before. it doesn't matter if you think she will like it or not. Have fun and she will too.
Don't call her for a couple days. Don't always be the one to call, let her call you sometimes. Get your mind off of it by doing something else. You may think it's nice to have her completely all over you, but trust me, once you have that it is not what you want. you want a good balance between the both of you as far as love in the relationship goes. Don't try to pressure her for it, because it doesn't work like that.
And don't bring up the topic that you suspect her of cheating... that will get nowhere in a hurry. Don't try to "catch" her either. One of my girlfriends brought it up to me when she thought I was, and I hadn't been, and it made me lose a lot of trust/respect for her.
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Also, a side question: Do you think talking about "staying together forever" and marriage and living together is good to talk about when you've only gone out with the chick for 4 months or so? XD
Thats far to early to be talking about marriage.
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United States22883 Posts
Bottom question: especially in your case, no. For pretty much everyone, pushing things too fast will only lead to bad things.
Above question: Stop being dumb. Unless she's doing an extreme ignore of you, give her some space. Do you trust her or not? Assuming she's not a slut to begin with, do you think she'd want to hurt you?
You're already well aware that trying to pull her closer is only going to push her away, so think about what you really want to happen? What do you stand to gain from checking up all the time? If you do this, you turn into the villain and you give her a legitimate reason to be unhappy with you, since I assume you wouldn't be thrilled with it either if she thought the same whenever you say you're playing SC or w/e. Is she still showing affection towards you? I don't just mean relatively, because things cool down in relationships all the time. I mean is she seriously neglecting you in any way? Probably not.
Please, if you want to stay with her, have some respect for her. I honestly don't know if it would help to say "I want you to know I get a bit jealous and I know there's no reason to be, but that's just how I am. I respect and trust you and I just wanted to let you know how I feel blah blah blah" I don't know anyone that's ever tried it so I seriously have no clue if it would help or not.
Just remember your end goal is to be happy and love her. Being paranoid is not conducive to that goal.
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Make her pregnant. That'll show her.
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United States22883 Posts
LOL
I take back everything I said. This man is right.
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The problem isn't with your girlfriend, it's with you.
You're insecure.
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Ever occurred to you that the reason why she seems to avoid telling you what she's doing is because you scare her away with your paranoid jealously? I'm sure she can feel that you feel that way and that scares out anyone. She needs space to do her own thing, anyone do. You might not want her to know that you skipped class to watch Boxer play live, and she might not want you to know that she's with a girl friend gossiping how all man are the same "can you believe that dog thinks I'm cheating?". There are a bunch of healthy stuff she could be doing and wouldn't want to tell you. Just give her room to breathe...
1) Stop being a dumbfuck, whenever you think dumb stuff just remember "hey I'm being a dumbfuck!"
2) Trust her. Simple math: if you don't trust her your thing together will fail no matter if one is cheating or not. Yea if she's cheating it'll fail, but if you don't trust her it will fail as well! Math! You just have a higher % of a happy ending if you trust her. Cheating is irrelevant if there is no trust, therefore your priority should be 1st: trust her, 2nd worry about anything else.
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You're probably gonna make her go bone one of her 8th grade classmates just to make you feel like shit for even accusing her hahaha
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You might be thinking too much. You want her to be happy right? So let her do the things she wants to do with her friends or whatever. Don't forget that you should too. It's all about balance really. Sure you can wonder about what she is doing but don't think so negatively. I've been in a couple of relationships and sometimes I just take the negative things in a positive aspect. Weird, but mistakes will become beneficial to you in the future =).
To your side question, try to avoid all the "forever" "never want to leave you" talk. Because in the end you might regret saying it and will hurt the both of you even more. But I'm not trying to say that you two will break up soon. Instead just say simple things like "I love you" and show that you care for her.
Btw, girls may vary.
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When she goes out with her friends, YOU should go out with your friends.
Have some fun and don't worry about things so much.
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Easy way to get around this is to go out more, and dont let your mind dwell on her so much. It shows her that you don't do anything with your life, and your insecurity probably has something to do with it also. Go do things you want to do that don't involve her.
If shes a regular girl she'll start clinging to you and demanding your attn and not the other way around. Btw even "if" she is cheating, by focusing on other things in life you depower her ability to hurt you, so its a positive on multiple levels.
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On October 04 2008 01:30 village_idiot wrote:
Make her pregnant. That'll show her.
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On October 04 2008 01:19 semioldguy wrote:
No, don't talk about that stuff like staying and living together.
It's good that she is going out with friends. You want her to have a life outside of you, otherwise you are going to get very bored with her and her oversmothering of you. There is nothing wrong with her wanting to spend time alone of with her friends. In fact, you should encourage that behavior.
If things are getting stale, spice it up a bit. Go do something neither of ou has done before. it doesn't matter if you think she will like it or not. Have fun and she will too.
Don't call her for a couple days. Don't always be the one to call, let her call you sometimes. Get your mind off of it by doing something else. You may think it's nice to have her completely all over you, but trust me, once you have that it is not what you want. you want a good balance between the both of you as far as love in the relationship goes. Don't try to pressure her for it, because it doesn't work like that.
And don't bring up the topic that you suspect her of cheating... that will get nowhere in a hurry. Don't try to "catch" her either. One of my girlfriends brought it up to me when she thought I was, and I hadn't been, and it made me lose a lot of trust/respect for her.
Really good advice. Im going through some shitty times myself but I prefer not to talk about it cuz it wont get anywhere... I gotta do what semioldguy is saying, but it s really hard to do, you just have to have a lot of will power..
You can do it sCoRpiOn
edit You are way too whooped btw... ur crazy about thinking of marriage and shit at only 4 months specially when you are really insecure about her... it wont work out trust me
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On October 04 2008 01:19 semioldguy wrote:
And don't bring up the topic that you suspect her of cheating... that will get nowhere in a hurry. Don't try to "catch" her either. One of my girlfriends brought it up to me when she thought I was, and I hadn't been, and it made me lose a lot of trust/respect for her.
Hm, I read this and thought about it. I agree completely here. I think it's really insulting to find out that your girlfriend is trying to see if you're cheating on her.
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Maybe she's looking for a less pathetic bf?
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i dont know if this is the type of stuff that will get through to you but its worth a shot.. this pdf talks about patience.. at least as one part of being in a relationship.. you can skip over the bible passages.. just look for whatever would pertain to you and gain from it what you could.. if you have anything to gain from it.. http://thelovedarebook.com/love-dare-sample-chapter.pdf *shrug*
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Depends on how good you are at reading people/how well you know her I guess.
I suspected my GF with cheating twice, and was right both times.
Things is you suspecting her means either that your relationship is going downhill, and thus you should probably end it or it simply means that you are insecure and thus you need to grow some confidence.
As for having separate lives/ seeing each other once or twice a week, different people want different things out of a relationship. If your GF want one where you guys don't see each other that much and you want to see her more or less every day you have to decide whether or not you want to do it her way, or break up with her.
Ehm as for staying together forever and stuff, I think it's cute.
Problem is though that most likely it will lead to nowhere and perhaps make it feel less important that one time you actually mean it.
BUT some people only have serious relationships with people they would consider possible life-partners and in that case why not?
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What you'll need to do is find yourself a new girl (as a lifeboat) and be completely prepared and ready to jump ship if things start to sink.
Her: "Yes that's right I started cheating on you because you're a pathetic, insecure loser".
You: "Hey, I don't care, I've already been cheating on you for months because you're a bitch".
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Ok, its going to cost you about $500, but if you care about your relationship you will do it.
First, you need to place this GPS tracker in her purse.
$269
http://www.brickhousesecurity.com/h0001.html
You will need to disguise it as something.
Second, you will need to sneak this camera pen on her person. The best way would probably be to buy her a new purse which you have modified to hold said pen, so that you are capturing video out of a small hole. Hopefully 32 hours of video is enough.
$200
http://www.brickhousesecurity.com/dvr-pen.html
come report back to us on what you find.
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On October 04 2008 03:21 Hawk wrote:
You're probably gonna make her go bone one of her 8th grade classmates just to make you feel like shit for even accusing her hahaha
god I hope so
that'll probably lead to the only scorpion blog worth reading
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oh and roughly 25% of all people cheat, just beat her up to be safe
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I've always been of the opinion that if you don't trust someone (like if you feel like you need to spy on them), the relationship is already over. I could go into details but... No one ever agrees with me lol.
(she was outside and was just looking at anthills and stuff)
LOL.... That would make sense if she were 10 years old but... As you've told TL so many times, you're dating a 17ish year old... I don't know if I'd believe it unless your gf was really weird. Although, that's only speaking from the perspective of someone who's never met her.
Either find a way to resolve your feelings (including talking to her), or break it off with her, because it's not fair to her that you won't trust her. I've talked to people who don't trust their bf/gf and it's just retarded listening to them complain all the time that they don't feel like they can trust the person, listing reason's why their activity is really suspicious, and I'm just thinking... Then fucking break up with them. If everything were fine you wouldn't have that sneaking suspicion. It's called gut instinct and it only shows up when your unconscious mind knows something is amiss, but the person is doing just enough to make you conscious mind think it 'could be' nothing.
If you can't make yourself vulnerable to someone, you have no business being a in a relationship with them. Of course there's always going to be the chance she could cheat on you and screw you over; That's never going to change. It's just whether you like her enough to trust her to have that power over you, the same way she trusts you with that power over her.
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On October 06 2008 09:03 travis wrote:
You smoke weed right?
Yes....
xD! Is this the problem?
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On October 06 2008 09:27 PsycHOTemplar wrote:I've always been of the opinion that if you don't trust someone (like if you feel like you need to spy on them), the relationship is already over. I could go into details but... No one ever agrees with me lol. LOL.... That would make sense if she were 10 years old but... As you've told TL so many times, you're dating a 17ish year old... I don't know if I'd believe it unless your gf was really weird. Although, that's only speaking from the perspective of someone who's never met her. Either find a way to resolve your feelings (including talking to her), or break it off with her, because it's not fair to her that you won't trust her. I've talked to people who don't trust their bf/gf and it's just retarded listening to them complain all the time that they don't feel like they can trust the person, listing reason's why their activity is really suspicious, and I'm just thinking... Then fucking break up with them. If everything were fine you wouldn't have that sneaking suspicion. It's called gut instinct and it only shows up when your unconscious mind knows something is amiss, but the person is doing just enough to make you conscious mind think it 'could be' nothing. If you can't make yourself vulnerable to someone, you have no business being a in a relationship with them. Of course there's always going to be the chance she could cheat on you and screw you over; That's never going to change. It's just whether you like her enough to trust her to have that power over you, the same way she trusts you with that power over her.
About the anthill thing, well, "looking at anthills and stuff" really was a metaphor for thinking about life I guess. I've already talked to her about it and it all worked out but that feeling just came back randomly. I guess I'm just a paranoid person at heart +.+
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Hmmmm
She is a hotty, iirc.
It's always hard to date a hotty, wherever you go, you get to see every man looking at her with envious eyes. And you have to constantly put them back into their spot, like show who's the man.
Well I was in this situation sometimes, and I think the best solution is not to worry.
How not to worry?
Building self-confidence. Sport, study, books, art, anything that you may like (not necessarily SC). Also, i noticed that when i was with them, i would act as if they were the only girl around, barely talking to waitress, other girls (not friends) or whatever.
This is wrong. Because I was doing that for her, for her to notice that she counts a lot in my eyes, but it had the side-effect of making her think I was not attractive or interesting or whatever. So now I just act normal, it raises up jealousy on both parts, which is, i believe, more sane that the opposite.
Just act normal, you can even flirt a bit, and try to have a good time. Then you will earn her respect, admiration, you will not care that much about losing her losing her losing her (OMG where is she), because you will enjoy yourself anyway.
And if it fits like that, then you may eventually consider mariage and stuff.
But don't get obsessed, even if you manage to marry her this way, you don't want to spend your life in fear. And if you fear, this will probably happen anyway, because she will get bored.
Self confidence and detachment my friend, let her breath.
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Don't try too hard... if it happens, it happens.
Seriously, don't try too hard...
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On October 08 2008 00:21 Yank31 wrote:
Hmmmm
She is a hotty, iirc.
Yes, a lot of people want to fuck her from what I've heard from my friends and their friends... x[!
Self confidence and detachment my friend, let her breath.
I'm stoned right now, but, when I'm stoned I read through posts better than just speed read through them (when I'm not stoned(maybe because everything is slower when I'm stoned...)) and not really think about what the other person posted. I mean, seriously,
Okay, I also tend to go off topic when I'm stoned, but, going back to my point, that is the best advice I've read, thanks.
Just... I laughed at the spelling error. A lot, also another thing I do when I'm stoned(is it really a spelling error? God I don't even know anymore, fuck the world!!)
EDIT:
Just act normal, you can even flirt a bit, and try to have a good time. Then you will earn her respect, admiration, you will not care that much about losing her losing her losing her (OMG where is she), because you will enjoy yourself anyway.
I have and always will act like this because that is how I am. I tend to have a good time anywhere and everywhere I go. When I got a girlfriend it was like "Alright baby, let's have a good time anywhere and everywhere we go together!!" Thing is, I tend to be the life of the party and she plays the role of "clingy girlfriend" and starts to get sad or throw little fits to try to get my attention when I get pulled into the crowd. She will, with her fits, get me to submit to her will and stop having fun with everyone just so that I can pay attention to her so I think she has negative thoughts about me too XP!
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United States17042 Posts
On October 06 2008 06:16 fight_or_flight wrote:Ok, its going to cost you about $500, but if you care about your relationship you will do it. First, you need to place this GPS tracker in her purse. $269 http://www.brickhousesecurity.com/h0001.htmlYou will need to disguise it as something. Second, you will need to sneak this camera pen on her person. The best way would probably be to buy her a new purse which you have modified to hold said pen, so that you are capturing video out of a small hole. Hopefully 32 hours of video is enough. $200 http://www.brickhousesecurity.com/dvr-pen.htmlcome report back to us on what you find.
This seems way way too creepy. Although it would undoubtedly answer any questions you might have about what she spends her time "alone" doing...
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On October 09 2008 13:54 Wasabi wrote:
To answer your question: chill down for a few days, and ask her to go out with you when you think you've collected yourself.
My two previous relationships have had these times before, and all of them were just out of reach for non-cheating reasons. Well, I did break up with them because 1) she wasn't admitted to the same university as I did, and got too busy with studying to bother with a relationship, and 2) it's pretty much the same as the first, I was just too busy studying even though I met her in the same uni (Berkeley). I'm still friends with both of them; my relationships with them didn't end bitterly.
Though it does sound to me that she is doing something you don't have to know/wouldn't want to know, it depends on how well you know her. You don't need anyone to tell you that you're doing the wrong thing. This is how relationships fall; by losing trust.
What else could she be doing? Did you get to know her completely from the four months you've been together? Four months of relationship is probably not enough to reveal everything you know about her, and why she would be acting so detached to you for some reason. It's fine for you to feel what you're feeling right now since no relationship is perfect. There are a lot of things a person could be doing that shouldn't upset and involve you; hopefully that isn't cheating on a relationship. Though, if it's really nothing you should worry about, she should have told you already, or is telling the truth anyway.
Oh yeah, after reading the title I thought the blog was about something else, lol. Financial infidelity, I thought.
I realize now, she doesn't do anything. I'm just paranoid... I've always been paranoid. I see cars move awkwardly on the road I'll think something is going on... I just need to take more roche pills XD!
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EPT
