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Darkness Falls, Book 1: Prologue

Blogs > Felagund
Post a Reply
Felagund
Profile Blog Joined December 2007
Philippines504 Posts
Last Edited: 2008-01-28 08:39:53
January 28 2008 08:24 GMT
#1
This is one of my more ambitious work--at least, the beginning of it. The whole thing's supposed to be in manga/comics form, but alas! I can't draw to save my life, and I can't find someone to do it for me . . . T_T Anyway, for that reason I hope you forgive the weakness of the language.

~*~

Bong! The clock on one of the castle's towers struck three. All over the palace, the soldiers standing guard on the walls listened to the footsteps of their relief, who marched up the stone stairs to the wall's parapet.

Below them, a few men crept to the wall and planted explosive charges at its base.

Bong! The guards on the wall faced left, as their relief marched towards them. The men below crept out of the walls, trailing thin wires behind them.

Bong! The relieved men marched forward, and then down the stairs, as their relief faced right to look out over the sleeping city. Suddenly, a bright flash lit the sky north of the palace. Soon after came the dull rumble of an explosion. Immediately, the soldiers were on guard, scanning the city below them for threats. Then at their feet was lit the fury of hellfire. The eastern wall of the palace collapsed, taking all its guards down with it.

At the place of the first explosion were six men, five of whom were peering into the opening they uncovered at the base of a cliff, as if anxious to enter it as soon as possible. One was pacing nervously on the barren ground littered with the bodies of a few men who minutes before had stood guard over the cliff's side. Suddenly, he stopped, and turned to one of his companions.

'Alphaxar, where's Rimi? He should have been by now.'

'I don't know.'

'What if he's been captured?'

'Ralion, you worry like an old woman.'

'As the commander it is my duty to worry. Our mission is at stake here. What if he's been captured, and they broke him? Are we walking into a trap?'

'Have you seen Rimi at work?' Alphaxar managed to chuckle, despite the grimness of the situation. 'That man can almost make himself invisible if he wants to. There's no way they can catch him.'

Ralion nodded. 'It's nearly time. What do we know now?'

'Two brigades of the Pelontus Guard are down for maintenance, due to the recent sandstorms. The third's out west, conducting exercises. That leaves the ceremonial guards and the aedom's personal bodyguards. The police won't be able to handle three hundred well-armed men. The Nesomians cannot stop us.'

'Then we shall avenge Endroni,' he whispered, peering into the opening. 'Let's go then, quickly!'

Led by Ralion, the six entered the tunnel. The last one to go in stopped a few steps into the opening, hesitated, then said, 'Sir, there are tanks in the city!'

The rest of the group skidded to a halt, and Alphaxar turned.

'What? That's impossible, Zerax!'

'Sir, I heard tank guns up there.' Nobody disputed Zerax's hearing.

Ralion thought for a moment while the others muttered to themselves. Could the Nesomians have known?

'It doesn't matter,' Ralion said. 'If we succeed here not even their tanks can do anything about it. Hurry up!'

Zerax was right. There were, indeed, tanks in the city. After the collapse of the wall, the Endroni rebels charged towards the palace, only to be cut down by shells from the tank's cannons and bullets from heavy machine guns. Some managed to find cover, and they tried to shoot back, but their assault rifles were useless against the tank's heavy armour. A few managed to kill some tanks by rolling grenades under them, but a lot more remained. Nobody had brought anti-armour weapons; they weren't expecting the tanks.

In the tunnel the little band rushed onwards, expecting to see the aedom's guards at any moment. Finally, they saw a line of men running towards them, their bayonets glinting in the half-light of the tunnel. Ralion said, 'Now, Demeron!' as one of his men pointed his sword at the advancing troops. The rest of the group moved out of the way as Demeron shot a cone of flame from his sword, incinerating the first two ranks of soldiers. As soon as the fire had died down, the six charged, killing the rest. Then they saw the aedom, surrounded by four liveried men, and Alphaxar, who was nearest, lunged towards him. He thrusted his sword into the aedom's face, but the aedom deflected the blade with the sceptre in his hand. The old ruler got nothing worse than a scratch on his face.

'You are not the aedom,' Alphaxar said, unable to believe his eyes.

'Correct,' the old man replied as he passed his hand over his chest. His appearance changed before his eyes, revealing a man not much older than him.

'The Rune of Metamorphosis,' muttered Alphaxar. 'Who are you?'

'I am head of the Nesomian Special Forces Necromancy Team, although I think my name will not matter to those who are about to die.' He paused. 'You know of Runes, swordsman?'

'Yes. We are no ordinary swordsmen, as you will see.'

'Then perhaps you should realise that you are trapped,' said the necromancer with a look of consummate smugness. The six looked around to see themselves surrounded by what appeared to be light green glass.

'The Runes of Imprisonment,' said Ralion, 'held up by those,' pointing at four burnt corpses who were now kneeling at the corners of the prison, their hands flat on the ground.

'Then we kill the necromancer, to break the runes's power,' said Alphaxar.

'And how would you do that, hm?' said the necromancer. The swordsmen faced him to see that a box of what appeared to be light blue glass surrounded him. Inside the box with the necromancer were the liveried men, kneeling, with their palms on the ground. All four had bloodstains on their chest, over where the heart should be, and they noticed that the aedom's sceptre was dripping with blood.

'I had to kill them,' said the necromancer in an unconcerned tone. 'This one,' he pointed to the one on his right, 'broke the Protection Rune when you started attacking, which was why your learned friend managed to scratch me. A traitor in your pay, I would suppose?'

'He was a faithful to our cause,' said Ralion, his voice shaking with rage. 'You will pay.'

'Tut tut, we'll have none of that. You forget where we are, and who I am. I am a necromancer, and corpses are all around you. You cannot harm me, and you cannot escape. So there is no "You will pay" nonsense here, because you will all die.'

He raised his arms, which were almost black, covered as they were with Runes of Animation and of Control. At once, the corpses stood, and with the flick of the necromancer's fingers they began to battle the swordsmen, who fought back. The necromancer laughed.

'You can burn them, you can cut them, but you cannot kill them, since they're already dead. And soon you will be, too.' Suddenly, he stopped talking as he coughed up blood. There was a sharp pain in his chest. He looked down to see a bloodstained blade poking out of the ground. Then he saw one of the swordsmen standing before him, with his sword plunged into the ground. His arms dropped, the corpses stopped, and Ralion said, 'Well done, Halcar!'

'How... did you...' the necromancer stuttered weakly.

'You have been wounded by Alphaxar's blade,' Halcar said. 'It's covered with hallucinogens. Immediately after its bite your senses were already under his control.'

'But how... Protection...'

'Very few know that the four-Rune Protection is thinnest at the bottom.' He withdrew his blade from the ground, and revealed the Runes of Extension and Control etched on it.

'You can extend and manipulate your blade... Piercing the weak point of my barrier... Impressive...'

The necromancer fell to the ground. The Protection and the Imprisonment were lifted.

'Let's go,' said Ralion. 'The aedom is still there. We can still finish our mission.'

'The aedom is not in his palace today,' said a new voice. Ralion turned.

'Rimi? Where have you been?'

'I've just evaded the police. They almost captured me.'

'What? How?'

'The Nesomians were expecting us. We've been betrayed.'

~*~

The next part, I'm afraid, will be long in coming. Again, criticism, corrections, etc, will be most welcome.

TL CJ Entusman #5 "now she is unarmed, u shall go gather ur army, siege ur tanks and her choke and send some vessels to spot her lurkers, at this time she may have defilers so, if u spot some, unsiege and bring fbs" -Ki_Do
zdd
Profile Blog Joined October 2004
1463 Posts
Last Edited: 2008-01-28 15:14:22
January 28 2008 15:13 GMT
#2
I like the story, and it would probably make a good manga/comic, but before I can give you criticism, you'll have to explain what your universe is like, how many main characters you will have, and what you want to accomplish with the story.
I see some minor mistakes in grammar, but the structure is perfect for a comic, and I can easily imagine the drawings/frames constructed from your descriptions.
The names are strange, some of them seem japanese "Rimi" ,some of them egyptian/persian "Alphaxar, Zerax" and "Ralion/Halcar" seem european? Again, I don't know much about your universe to make any comments in this area.
The technology and magic seem to be connected across time in a final fantasy fashion, which is odd.
Also, logically an army would run away if confronted with tanks and only having assault rifles, but these guys charged to their death, which shows insane courage and discipline, but I don't know if you wanted to portray it that way.
All you need in life is a strong will to succeed and unrelenting determination. If you meet these prerequisites, you can become anything you want with absolutely no luck, fortune or natural ability.
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