• Log InLog In
  • Register
Liquid`
Team Liquid Liquipedia
EDT 15:19
CEST 21:19
KST 04:19
  • Home
  • Forum
  • Calendar
  • Streams
  • Liquipedia
  • Features
  • Store
  • EPT
  • TL+
  • StarCraft 2
  • Brood War
  • Smash
  • Heroes
  • Counter-Strike
  • Overwatch
  • Liquibet
  • Fantasy StarCraft
  • TLPD
  • StarCraft 2
  • Brood War
  • Blogs
Forum Sidebar
Events/Features
News
Featured News
Serral wins HomeStory Cup 2914Serral wins Maestros of the Game 243ByuL, and the Limitations of Standard Play3Team Liquid Map Contest #22: Results and Winners7Code S Season 2 (2026): RO4 and Finals Preview12
Community News
Reynor: GSL Loss Wasn't About Preparation Format12[IPSL] Spring 2026 Grand Finals - This Weekend!5Weekly Cups (July 6 - 12): Protoss strike back12BSL Season 22 Full Overview & Conclusion8BSL Season 22 Full Overview & Conclusion8
StarCraft 2
General
5.0.16 patch for SC2 goes live (8 worker start) Is the larve respawn broken? BGE Stara Zagora to be held again in June 2025 Weekly Cups (July 6 - 12): Protoss strike back Serral wins HomeStory Cup 29
Tourneys
WardiTV Summer Cup 2026 GSL CK #5 Race War RSL Revival: Season 6 - Qualifiers and Main Event HomeStory Cup 29 Vespene Cup #1 — $300+ USD, July 10
Strategy
[G] Having the right mentality to improve
Custom Maps
New Map Maker - Looking for Advice - Love or Hate Work In Progress Melee Maps [D]RTS in all its shapes and glory <3
External Content
The PondCast: SC2 News & Results Mutation # 534 Burning Evacuation Mutation # 533 Die Together Mutation # 532 Nuclear Family
Brood War
General
Recommended FPV games (post-KeSPA) Pros Debate: Zerg Unfairly Nerfed? (ASL S22 map) BGH Auto Balance -> http://bghmmr.eu/ Etiquete rules in Asl? screpdb: new Starcraft reporting tool
Tourneys
[IPSL] Spring 2026 Grand Finals - This Weekend! Escore Tournament - Season 3 [Megathread] Daily Proleagues [ASL22] Wildcard Qualifier
Strategy
Fighting Spirit mining rates Simple Questions, Simple Answers Creating a full chart of Zerg builds Relatively freeroll strategies
Other Games
General Games
Nintendo Switch Thread General RTS Discussion Thread Path of Exile Stormgate/Frost Giant Megathread Summer Games Done Quick 2026!
Dota 2
Looking for a Dota Mentor Official 'what is Dota anymore' discussion
League of Legends
Heroes of the Storm
Simple Questions, Simple Answers Heroes of the Storm 2.0
Hearthstone
Deck construction bug
TL Mafia
TL Mafia Power Rank NeO.D_StephenKing vs This Guy From 1 Million Dance TL Mafia Community Thread Vanilla Mini Mafia
Community
General
US Politics Mega-thread Russo-Ukrainian War Thread UK Politics Mega-thread YouTube Thread Canadian Politics Mega-thread
Fan Clubs
The IdrA Fan Club The HerO Fan Club!
Media & Entertainment
Anime Discussion Thread [Req][Books] Good Fantasy/SciFi books Movie Discussion! Series you have seen recently...
Sports
2024 - 2026 Football Thread MLB/Baseball 2023 McBoner: A hockey love story Tennis[sport] Formula 1 Discussion
World Cup 2022
Tech Support
Simple Questions Simple Answers FPS when play League Of Legend on laptop How to clean a TTe Thermaltake keyboard?
TL Community
Northern Ireland Global Starcraft The Automated Ban List
Blogs
Poker (part 2)
Nebuchad
The Experiences We Want and …
TrAiDoS
An Exploration of th…
waywardstrategy
Gauntlet SC2: A Retrospectiv…
Ctone23
ramps on octagon
StaticNine
Funny Nicknames
LUCKY_NOOB
Evil Gacha Games and the…
ffswowsucks
Customize Sidebar...

Website Feedback

Closed Threads



Active: 7225 users

Darkness Falls, Book 1: Prologue

Blogs > Felagund
Post a Reply
Felagund
Profile Blog Joined December 2007
Philippines504 Posts
Last Edited: 2008-01-28 08:39:53
January 28 2008 08:24 GMT
#1
This is one of my more ambitious work--at least, the beginning of it. The whole thing's supposed to be in manga/comics form, but alas! I can't draw to save my life, and I can't find someone to do it for me . . . T_T Anyway, for that reason I hope you forgive the weakness of the language.

~*~

Bong! The clock on one of the castle's towers struck three. All over the palace, the soldiers standing guard on the walls listened to the footsteps of their relief, who marched up the stone stairs to the wall's parapet.

Below them, a few men crept to the wall and planted explosive charges at its base.

Bong! The guards on the wall faced left, as their relief marched towards them. The men below crept out of the walls, trailing thin wires behind them.

Bong! The relieved men marched forward, and then down the stairs, as their relief faced right to look out over the sleeping city. Suddenly, a bright flash lit the sky north of the palace. Soon after came the dull rumble of an explosion. Immediately, the soldiers were on guard, scanning the city below them for threats. Then at their feet was lit the fury of hellfire. The eastern wall of the palace collapsed, taking all its guards down with it.

At the place of the first explosion were six men, five of whom were peering into the opening they uncovered at the base of a cliff, as if anxious to enter it as soon as possible. One was pacing nervously on the barren ground littered with the bodies of a few men who minutes before had stood guard over the cliff's side. Suddenly, he stopped, and turned to one of his companions.

'Alphaxar, where's Rimi? He should have been by now.'

'I don't know.'

'What if he's been captured?'

'Ralion, you worry like an old woman.'

'As the commander it is my duty to worry. Our mission is at stake here. What if he's been captured, and they broke him? Are we walking into a trap?'

'Have you seen Rimi at work?' Alphaxar managed to chuckle, despite the grimness of the situation. 'That man can almost make himself invisible if he wants to. There's no way they can catch him.'

Ralion nodded. 'It's nearly time. What do we know now?'

'Two brigades of the Pelontus Guard are down for maintenance, due to the recent sandstorms. The third's out west, conducting exercises. That leaves the ceremonial guards and the aedom's personal bodyguards. The police won't be able to handle three hundred well-armed men. The Nesomians cannot stop us.'

'Then we shall avenge Endroni,' he whispered, peering into the opening. 'Let's go then, quickly!'

Led by Ralion, the six entered the tunnel. The last one to go in stopped a few steps into the opening, hesitated, then said, 'Sir, there are tanks in the city!'

The rest of the group skidded to a halt, and Alphaxar turned.

'What? That's impossible, Zerax!'

'Sir, I heard tank guns up there.' Nobody disputed Zerax's hearing.

Ralion thought for a moment while the others muttered to themselves. Could the Nesomians have known?

'It doesn't matter,' Ralion said. 'If we succeed here not even their tanks can do anything about it. Hurry up!'

Zerax was right. There were, indeed, tanks in the city. After the collapse of the wall, the Endroni rebels charged towards the palace, only to be cut down by shells from the tank's cannons and bullets from heavy machine guns. Some managed to find cover, and they tried to shoot back, but their assault rifles were useless against the tank's heavy armour. A few managed to kill some tanks by rolling grenades under them, but a lot more remained. Nobody had brought anti-armour weapons; they weren't expecting the tanks.

In the tunnel the little band rushed onwards, expecting to see the aedom's guards at any moment. Finally, they saw a line of men running towards them, their bayonets glinting in the half-light of the tunnel. Ralion said, 'Now, Demeron!' as one of his men pointed his sword at the advancing troops. The rest of the group moved out of the way as Demeron shot a cone of flame from his sword, incinerating the first two ranks of soldiers. As soon as the fire had died down, the six charged, killing the rest. Then they saw the aedom, surrounded by four liveried men, and Alphaxar, who was nearest, lunged towards him. He thrusted his sword into the aedom's face, but the aedom deflected the blade with the sceptre in his hand. The old ruler got nothing worse than a scratch on his face.

'You are not the aedom,' Alphaxar said, unable to believe his eyes.

'Correct,' the old man replied as he passed his hand over his chest. His appearance changed before his eyes, revealing a man not much older than him.

'The Rune of Metamorphosis,' muttered Alphaxar. 'Who are you?'

'I am head of the Nesomian Special Forces Necromancy Team, although I think my name will not matter to those who are about to die.' He paused. 'You know of Runes, swordsman?'

'Yes. We are no ordinary swordsmen, as you will see.'

'Then perhaps you should realise that you are trapped,' said the necromancer with a look of consummate smugness. The six looked around to see themselves surrounded by what appeared to be light green glass.

'The Runes of Imprisonment,' said Ralion, 'held up by those,' pointing at four burnt corpses who were now kneeling at the corners of the prison, their hands flat on the ground.

'Then we kill the necromancer, to break the runes's power,' said Alphaxar.

'And how would you do that, hm?' said the necromancer. The swordsmen faced him to see that a box of what appeared to be light blue glass surrounded him. Inside the box with the necromancer were the liveried men, kneeling, with their palms on the ground. All four had bloodstains on their chest, over where the heart should be, and they noticed that the aedom's sceptre was dripping with blood.

'I had to kill them,' said the necromancer in an unconcerned tone. 'This one,' he pointed to the one on his right, 'broke the Protection Rune when you started attacking, which was why your learned friend managed to scratch me. A traitor in your pay, I would suppose?'

'He was a faithful to our cause,' said Ralion, his voice shaking with rage. 'You will pay.'

'Tut tut, we'll have none of that. You forget where we are, and who I am. I am a necromancer, and corpses are all around you. You cannot harm me, and you cannot escape. So there is no "You will pay" nonsense here, because you will all die.'

He raised his arms, which were almost black, covered as they were with Runes of Animation and of Control. At once, the corpses stood, and with the flick of the necromancer's fingers they began to battle the swordsmen, who fought back. The necromancer laughed.

'You can burn them, you can cut them, but you cannot kill them, since they're already dead. And soon you will be, too.' Suddenly, he stopped talking as he coughed up blood. There was a sharp pain in his chest. He looked down to see a bloodstained blade poking out of the ground. Then he saw one of the swordsmen standing before him, with his sword plunged into the ground. His arms dropped, the corpses stopped, and Ralion said, 'Well done, Halcar!'

'How... did you...' the necromancer stuttered weakly.

'You have been wounded by Alphaxar's blade,' Halcar said. 'It's covered with hallucinogens. Immediately after its bite your senses were already under his control.'

'But how... Protection...'

'Very few know that the four-Rune Protection is thinnest at the bottom.' He withdrew his blade from the ground, and revealed the Runes of Extension and Control etched on it.

'You can extend and manipulate your blade... Piercing the weak point of my barrier... Impressive...'

The necromancer fell to the ground. The Protection and the Imprisonment were lifted.

'Let's go,' said Ralion. 'The aedom is still there. We can still finish our mission.'

'The aedom is not in his palace today,' said a new voice. Ralion turned.

'Rimi? Where have you been?'

'I've just evaded the police. They almost captured me.'

'What? How?'

'The Nesomians were expecting us. We've been betrayed.'

~*~

The next part, I'm afraid, will be long in coming. Again, criticism, corrections, etc, will be most welcome.

TL CJ Entusman #5 "now she is unarmed, u shall go gather ur army, siege ur tanks and her choke and send some vessels to spot her lurkers, at this time she may have defilers so, if u spot some, unsiege and bring fbs" -Ki_Do
zdd
Profile Blog Joined October 2004
1463 Posts
Last Edited: 2008-01-28 15:14:22
January 28 2008 15:13 GMT
#2
I like the story, and it would probably make a good manga/comic, but before I can give you criticism, you'll have to explain what your universe is like, how many main characters you will have, and what you want to accomplish with the story.
I see some minor mistakes in grammar, but the structure is perfect for a comic, and I can easily imagine the drawings/frames constructed from your descriptions.
The names are strange, some of them seem japanese "Rimi" ,some of them egyptian/persian "Alphaxar, Zerax" and "Ralion/Halcar" seem european? Again, I don't know much about your universe to make any comments in this area.
The technology and magic seem to be connected across time in a final fantasy fashion, which is odd.
Also, logically an army would run away if confronted with tanks and only having assault rifles, but these guys charged to their death, which shows insane courage and discipline, but I don't know if you wanted to portray it that way.
All you need in life is a strong will to succeed and unrelenting determination. If you meet these prerequisites, you can become anything you want with absolutely no luck, fortune or natural ability.
Please log in or register to reply.
Live Events Refresh
OSC
17:00
Mid Season Playoffs
Shameless vs Lambo
SKillous vs Cham
Percival vs Harstem
ShoWTimE vs Krystianer
SteadfastSC235
Liquipedia
[ Submit Event ]
Live Streams
Refresh
StarCraft 2
mouzHeroMarine 518
elazer 310
SteadfastSC 235
UpATreeSC 152
BRAT_OK 92
mouzStarbuck 80
JuggernautJason37
EmSc Tv 22
MindelVK 13
CosmosSc2 9
StarCraft: Brood War
Mong 205
910 36
Noble 12
Dota 2
qojqva2095
Trikslyr59
League of Legends
KnowMe65
Counter-Strike
ScreaM1678
FalleN 0
Heroes of the Storm
Liquid`Hasu299
Other Games
singsing2053
ceh91256
B2W.Neo465
Beastyqt409
C9.Mang0154
XaKoH 142
RuFF_SC224
Organizations
Other Games
gamesdonequick2375
StarCraft 2
TaKeTV563
EmSc Tv 22
EmSc2Tv 22
Blizzard YouTube
StarCraft: Brood War
BSLTrovo
[ Show 18 non-featured ]
StarCraft 2
• Hupsaiya 105
• Reevou 8
• Kozan
• LaughNgamezSOOP
• sooper7s
• AfreecaTV YouTube
• intothetv
• Migwel
• IndyKCrew
StarCraft: Brood War
• HerbMon 18
• 80smullet 17
• STPLYoutube
• ZZZeroYoutube
• BSLYoutube
League of Legends
• Nemesis2626
• Scarra710
Other Games
• imaqtpie779
• Shiphtur353
Upcoming Events
Replay Cast
13h 41m
CrankTV Team League
15h 41m
WardiTV Qualifier
16h 41m
Epic.LAN
17h 41m
Big Brain Bouts
20h 41m
SHIN vs Elazer
Percival vs Nicoract
Reynor vs Lambo
Replay Cast
1d 4h
RSL Revival
1d 13h
Clem vs Lambo
Scarlett vs Cure
CranKy Ducklings
1d 14h
Epic.LAN
1d 17h
IPSL
1d 20h
Dragon vs Hawk
[ Show More ]
RSL Revival
2 days
Classic vs Trap
herO vs SHIN
Sparkling Tuna Cup
2 days
IPSL
2 days
Bonyth vs Ret
WardiTV Weekly
3 days
Monday Night Weeklies
3 days
PiGosaur Cup
5 days
The PondCast
5 days
Replay Cast
6 days
CrankTV Team League
6 days
Liquipedia Results

Completed

Proleague 2026-07-13
HSC XXIX
Eternal Conflict S2 E2

Ongoing

IPSL Spring 2026
Acropolis #4
CSL 2026 Summer (S21)
KCM Race Survival 2026 Season 3
RSL Revival: Season 6
CranK Gathers Season 4: BW vs SC2 Team League
SCTL 2026 Spring
Stake Ranked Episode 3
XSE Pro League 2026
IEM Cologne Major 2026
Stake Ranked Episode 2
CS Asia Championships 2026
Asian Champions League 2026
IEM Atlanta 2026
PGL Astana 2026
BLAST Rivals Spring 2026

Upcoming

Escore Tournament S3: W3
ASL S22 SEASON OPEN Day 1
Escore Tournament S3: W4
ASL S22 SEASON OPEN Day 2
Escore Tournament S3: W5
CSLAN 4
Blizzard Classic Cup 2026
HSC XXX
SC4ALL II: StarCraft II
Kung Fu Cup 2026 Grand Finals
Light Tournament 2026
Eternal Conflict S2 Finale
Eternal Conflict S2 E3
Logitech G Connect 2026
StarSeries Fall 2026
FISSURE Playground #5
BLAST Open Fall 2026
Esports World Cup 2026
BLAST Bounty Summer 2026
BLAST Bounty Summer Qual
TLPD

1. ByuN
2. TY
3. Dark
4. Solar
5. Stats
6. Nerchio
7. sOs
8. soO
9. INnoVation
10. Elazer
1. Rain
2. Flash
3. EffOrt
4. Last
5. Bisu
6. Soulkey
7. Mini
8. Sharp
Sidebar Settings...

Advertising | Privacy Policy | Terms Of Use | Contact Us

Original banner artwork: Jim Warren
The contents of this webpage are copyright © 2026 TLnet. All Rights Reserved.