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Norway10161 Posts
"I didn't ask for it to be over, but then again, I didn't ask for it to begin. For that's the way it is with life, as some of the most beautiful days come completely by chance. But even the most beautiful days eventually have their sunsets."
I love the feeling of heartbreak. It is a rare thing to have your heart broken by someone you have been intimate on the deepest level with.
You get the message somehow, the magic words that you really don't want to hear:
"We have to talk"
And suddenly your world falls around you. When you hear those words you know what is coming. Bound to the rails, watching the train coming closer, or your love saying that - it's the same thing. At that moment, you would chose the train. But, there is no train, and despite that feeling of nausea and the weird thing suddenly in your throat you get in your car and drive away to talk. The ride itself is not that bad, really. You find yourself looking forward to seeing her again, humming along to a nice tune, wondering if it might be something else.
As you meet her in the door you know. The small kiss or the quick hug, the invitation to come in. The way she sits in the corner of the couch, holding a blanket very very close, leaving no opening for you to get any skin contact. The way she looks. Oh, the way she looks. Her hair messed up, no make-up, laundry clothes, no perfume. She is beutiful. She is everything you will ever need and could ever want from life. You would give the rest of you life to see those lips part and smile to you, just for a fraction of a second. You'll remember this moment.
And then the words come. Maybe you cheated. Maybe she did. Maybe the feeling is gone. You can still be friends. You are sorry, she is sorry.
You are a man, so you take it like a man. You don't cry, but you comfort her because she does. You even wish you could squeeze out a few tears because you don't want to look like an asshole. You have a nice talk about the good things you shared. You make a joke, and she smiles. You are good spirit, and can even spare a few thoughts to maybe getting her back some day soon. You walk out together to return some movies.
There's snow in the air. You walk under the street lights, side by side, talking about the things that used to be. You open your car door, and she is standing there, in the light, inbetween the snowflakes, waiting for you to drive away. And it hits me like a sledgehammer. She is gone. 2 meters of air, 5mm of glass, a million miles gone. I break down crying as I drive away. She waves. I stop around the corner because I am blinded by tears. My mouth is open in a wordless scream and my body is shaking.
And I love it. Being heartbroken is the most true feeling I know. A torrent of very real feelings flooding thru me, leaving me as naked as a newborn. I feel alive. Truly alive for the first time since I fell in love with her. It's a fitting end.
 
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Even though you seem to savor the feeling, admit that you are trying to be more objective about it in order to have it hurt less. Or at least that's the situation with me. Regardless of whether you truly feel alive or if there is more to it, I'm sorry about your disposition. Then again, if you didn't love her enough to feel more remorse and less alive, maybe it was time for it to be over. But that's just my opinion, you obviously know best.
I know what you mean, though. It's the only feeling that's ever made me physically sick. I couldn't sleep for days, I couldn't sleep without nightmares for months, I threw up the night of it happening because my body was rejecting my brain for causing it this pain, whether it was real or not. It's too raw, too real. I couldn't take it. I hope you stay strong as you are now. Good luck to you and your former other.
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Norway10161 Posts
On January 14 2008 10:27 fanatacist wrote:
Even though you seem to savor the feeling, admit that you are trying to be more objective about it in order to have it hurt less. Or at least that's the situation with me. Regardless of whether you truly feel alive or if there is more to it, I'm sorry about your disposition. Then again, if you didn't love her enough to feel more remorse and less alive, maybe it was time for it to be over. But that's just my opinion, you obviously know best.
I know what you mean, though. It's the only feeling that's ever made me physically sick. I couldn't sleep for days, I couldn't sleep without nightmares for months, I threw up the night of it happening because my body was rejecting my brain for causing it this pain, whether it was real or not. It's too raw, too real. I couldn't take it. I hope you stay strong as you are now. Good luck to you and your former other.
Thank you.
I savor the feeling because it is unique, and because I feel the very real pain that is a hurtful breakup. This was by far my most hurtful breakup, and I started crying again when I wrote about driving away. I admit that I started typing as a way to objectify this, and to gain some perspective. It really didnt work as well as I hoped, but I guess nothing does.
I threw up in my car on the way home. Almost hit another car, and had to clean it up when I got home.
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On January 14 2008 10:35 ToKoreaWithLove wrote:Show nested quote +On January 14 2008 10:27 fanatacist wrote:
Even though you seem to savor the feeling, admit that you are trying to be more objective about it in order to have it hurt less. Or at least that's the situation with me. Regardless of whether you truly feel alive or if there is more to it, I'm sorry about your disposition. Then again, if you didn't love her enough to feel more remorse and less alive, maybe it was time for it to be over. But that's just my opinion, you obviously know best.
I know what you mean, though. It's the only feeling that's ever made me physically sick. I couldn't sleep for days, I couldn't sleep without nightmares for months, I threw up the night of it happening because my body was rejecting my brain for causing it this pain, whether it was real or not. It's too raw, too real. I couldn't take it. I hope you stay strong as you are now. Good luck to you and your former other. Thank you. I savor the feeling because it is unique, and because I feel the very real pain that is a hurtful breakup. This was by far my most hurtful breakup, and I started crying again when I wrote about driving away. I admit that I started typing as a way to objectify this, and to gain some perspective. It really didnt work as well as I hoped, but I guess nothing does. I threw up in my car on the way home. Almost hit another car, and had to clean it up when I got home.
So you are human after all ): <3
I don't think many people realize what true love is, and therefore what a true break-up is. I'm not saying that throwing up is a rite of passage of this, but I think it's a clear indicator for those that do it. I understand what you mean - the fact that it hurts this much... It says something about how good it was, how much love there was, and your body is almost going through withdrawal. Like you said, it's something REAL. And we don't have enough of that in our lives in general nowadays.
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United States22883 Posts
You like getting hit by a bus? I really don't understand how you can savor or "like" the feeling. Respect it, yes, but it's not a good feeling. Liking, maybe even anything besides hating it, it is just absurd.
Call it like it is, it fucking sucks.
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god that was so touching.
I understand what you're trying to put into words there. Be happy you got a chance of feeling all this. The goods and now the bads of it. Most people don't ever get this chance, hell they even ignore the existence of such strong feelings. You'll rise up stronger and wiser from this, you'll see...
good luck and hold on tight
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On January 14 2008 10:42 Jibba wrote:
You like getting hit by a bus? I really don't understand how you can savor or "like" the feeling. Respect it, yes, but it's not a good feeling. Liking it is just absurd.
I wouldn't call "savoring" and "liking" synonyms.
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United States22883 Posts
On January 14 2008 10:46 fanatacist wrote:Show nested quote +On January 14 2008 10:42 Jibba wrote:
You like getting hit by a bus? I really don't understand how you can savor or "like" the feeling. Respect it, yes, but it's not a good feeling. Liking it is just absurd. I wouldn't call "savoring" and "liking" synonyms.
He said both.
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On January 14 2008 10:46 Jibba wrote:Show nested quote +On January 14 2008 10:46 fanatacist wrote:On January 14 2008 10:42 Jibba wrote:
You like getting hit by a bus? I really don't understand how you can savor or "like" the feeling. Respect it, yes, but it's not a good feeling. Liking it is just absurd. I wouldn't call "savoring" and "liking" synonyms. He said both.
Well, he said he loves it, and we know how many definitions to love there can be. Bittersweet love for this emotion, because I think as I said earlier, it's almost a confirmation of sorts, something that makes you feel the full effect of how much you loved her. Even though it hurts, a lot, it's also something true that you have to appreciate just for how it is different with all that is fake and shallow. Or at least that's what I took from that.
Also, he admitted he was trying to objectify it.
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United States22883 Posts
'"When you fall in love you die a little bit, you give a little bit of yourself up, but you're also reborn in their eyes," Campbell said. "You get a new life as their [significant other]. That's what keeps us going in life; we keep on setting ourselves on fire and starting again until we were embers and blow away." '
Stars changed their website so I can't find the original story behind Set Yourself On Fire, but that's as poetic as I can see it. "When there's nothing left to burn you have to set yourself on fire." It's a bit comforting, but it still sucks a whole lot and I'd rather find more to burn. >.>
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iNcontroL
USA29055 Posts
fuck we all live very similar lives -.- Sometimes I feel this way anyways.
Nice write and thanks for sharing <3
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Nice write-up although it seems to me also that you didn't really love the girl that much anymore if you actually like the feelings your break-up made you feel.
One thing is feeling alive, I can definately understand what you mean as well. But if you REALLY would still love her with all your heart I don't think you would have written like this.
In that case you would have been desperate to get her back and not wallow in your own feelings.
But I get what you mean and I think I would feel the same in a similar situation
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that is so beautifully written it made me teary
oh the memories of heartbreak
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Heavy stuff. I hope this makes you stronger and better. Just like you say, the sun must always set on everything, but the sun always rises again. You'll see better days.
Also, I understand what he means about savoring the pain. There is something so powerful and real about it. It is similar to the kind of somber ecstacy that comes with listening to a truly sad piece of music, but many times more intense.
Jibba, you trolling? Think you could find a better thread to argue in? It's one thing to troll my threads as you always do, but it is the epitome of lame to go telling a guy who is clearly in pain what he does or does not feel, what he should or should not feel. You may not have felt the same things he does, but that does not make you the arbiter of all feeling. Jeeeeeeeeez.
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Heartbreak bump. This OP was so touching but I hope following posters can tell me it gets better after today :'(
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Wow, what a great OP. And yes, soulserver, it does get easier after today...but don't expect it to come quickly. You will likely feel like shit for quite some time before the feelings finally pass, but you will be stronger and more experienced in the end. Try to stay busy, try not to think about it constantly, try to grow from it all!
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;_; Epic bump. Amazing OP. It most certainly does get better. It won't happen overnight but yes in the end you'll be a stronger person-even more prepared for the next relationship that comes your way.
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Norway10161 Posts
Funny, I was reading some of my old blog posts and noticed the bump.
All I can tell you is that it does get better with time. It sucks and everything sucks, but don't lose the ability to give yourself into those feeling in the future. It is all to easy to make yourself a bit cold and distant as a defence mechanism. Don't do this - one of the great things about life is allowing yourself to feel, without constraint.
Good Luck
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Zurich15345 Posts
On November 18 2011 20:38 ToKoreaWithLove wrote:Funny, I was reading some of my old blog posts and noticed the bump. All I can tell you is that it does get better with time. It sucks and everything sucks, but don't lose the ability to give yourself into those feeling in the future. It is all to easy to make yourself a bit cold and distant as a defence mechanism. Don't do this - one of the great things about life is allowing yourself to feel, without constraint. Good Luck
Great follow-up post!
All emotions are beautiful.
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EPT
so well written and i remember how it felt exactly like that hm..3-4 years ago.
