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I lived the vast majority of my life in middle-upper class primarily Caucasian suburbs, tight-knit communities with little diversity. I have never been outside of America, and met few people who have lived in foreign countries. However, during this past summer, that changed drastically. I participated in the Appalachia Service Project (ASP), a week-long, annual trip in which members of my church travel to an impoverished community in the Appalachian region with the goal of rendering some assistance.
From the moment we arrived I was immersed in a new lifestyle. I spent the majority of the day working with Sarah, a single mother of two, on her house that was aging and in desperate need of renovation. As the week progressed, I became very close to her and her two kids, Timmy and Erica. Throughout the week we completed several renovations on the house including rebuilding the rotten porch and stairs, fixing a portion of the house’s foundation, and wall and floor repairs inside the house.
I would have been satisfied just helping someone in need, but I never expected to form such a strong bond with the mother and kids in just a week. They were surprisingly pleasant and easy-going despite their difficult situation. I have great respect for this family. Even in poverty they found more joy in life than most members of my group. I did not realize you could take such pleasure in family and simple things. From Sarah and her kids I learned to not take everything I have for granted. I have learned to appreciate my family and friends more than ever and I value material positions much less than I did before ASP. I value material positions much less than I did before ASP.
From this experience I gained a greater appreciation for simple kindness. It was the little things that stood out the most to me. Sarah wouldn’t take “no” for an answer when inviting us for a lunch break, and her children were always trying to play games with us. At the end of the week when we brought the family some surprise gifts, Sarah broke down in tears, struggling to find the words to thank us with. Our parting was very difficult. Timmy and Erica wanted to come back with us, and chased our van down the road, waving goodbye and grinning from ear to ear.
My time spent at ASP gave me a thirst to experience other new cultures from all over the world. This is one of my driving forces for wanting to attend Michigan State University. I believe that it will provide me with a host of new people to share experiences with, adding to each other’s knowledge of the world.
 
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good call, people should travel more (not as tourists, that doesn't count).
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Good luck getting into MSU. I'm also applying for next fall semester, just haven't really put much thought into it. Just a reminder to apply as soon as you can, since MSU have been getting a shitload of applications over the past years, and have actually denied some of my friends who had a good GPA and good ACT scores. Are you coming straight out of high school, or trying to transfer like me?
About your essay:
Looks good, some better description and details could be added, but is good enough.
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South Africa4316 Posts
I usually don't nit-pick with grammar, but I assume this is important to you so I'll try to help out where I can.
"However, this past summer, that all changed." should be "However, this past summer, all that changed." if you wish to keep the all for emphasis, but would probably still be better as "However, during this past summer, that changed drastically." The way you had it the pronoun and adjective were inverted. In your word order the that refers to the all, while you probably want the "that" to act as a pronoun, and the all describe "that".
"with the goal of rendering some amount of assistance. " should be "with the goal of rendering some assistance." or even "with the goal of assisting the community". Amount should not be used with assistance. This implies that the assistance you gave can be counted, which of course it can't. Also, rendering is used with service more commonly than with assistance. I'm not sure if rendering assistance is necessarily breaking a rule, but it does feel slightly uncomfortable.
"From the moment we arrived, I was immersed in a new lifestyle." should be "From the moment we arrived I was immersed in a new lifestyle." (without the comma). I understand that you want to add a slight pause there, but you cannot cut a compliment off from the main clause. Your sentence reads "I was immersed in a new lifestyle from the moment we arrived." (excluding the inverted order [which is fine] that you use for emphasis). Now the "from the..." part of the sentence describes the main clause of the sentence, and shouldn't be separated from it.
"I became very close with her and her two kids" should be "I became very close to her and her two kids". "I became" is describing your feelings while the word "with" shows a shared feeling. I'm not saying that she didn't feel close to you as well, but if you wish to say that you should use "We" as the subject of the sentence, not I. eg. "We became very close".
"Throughout the week, we completed several..." should be "Throughout the week we completed several...", for same reason I mentioned earlier.
"and wall/floor repairs" should be "and wall and floor repairs". You probably just typed it like that in the post to save effort, but just in case I'll point out that "/" should almost never be used in academic writing.
"They were so pleasant" should be "They were pleasant", or "They were very pleasant", or any other descriptive adjective can be used there. "So" is not an adjective of degree, it initiates a comparison.
"Even in poverty, they found more joy" should be "Even in poverty they found more joy in life than most members of my group", for same reason I mentioned earlier.
"From Sarah and her kids, I learned to not take everything I have for granted." should be "From Sarah and her kids I learned to not take everything I have for granted.", for same reason I mentioned earlier. Comma's are added after a name, but only when you are addressing someone.
"my family and friends more than ever." should be "my family and friends more than I did before". This one is very minor, but the people receiving your essay do not have a frame of reference for you "ever". Using "ever" there is emotive-, but not concise writing.
"I have learned to appreciate my family and friends more than ever. I value material positions much less than I did before ASP." should be "I have learned to appreciate my family and friends more than ever and I value material positions much less than I did before ASP." This is once again a very small thing, but the two subjects are directly related and should be connected where possible. Adding the full-stop there makes the line a bit more abrupt. You have a chance at making a nice connected sentence, so use it.
"From this experience, I gained a greater appreciation for simple kindness." Same thing I mentioned earlier.
"that stood out most to me." should be "that stood out the most for me.". The for/to change is probably unnecessary, if I remember correctly British English uses "for" in that context, while American English uses "to". "the" must be added though, as you using the superlative form.
"Sarah broke down in tears" should be "Sarah broke down into tears". Sarah did not break down while she was crying, she broke down to crying.
"struggling to find the words to thank us" should be "struggling to find words to thank us with". "the words to thank us" implies that there were only a single way she could have thanked you, by speaking "the words", while I'm sure you were making a more general statement. She was also looking for words to thank you with, just like you might be looking for a knife to cut the meat with.
"and grinning ear to ear." should be "and grinning from ear to ear.". That is simply the correct expression.
"other new cultures from all over." should be "other new cultures from all over the world/country". Make sure that you complete your sentences. You can easily leave out words like that when typing online, but you must write out your sentences when doing academic work. I think I've heard American's leave out words like that in speech as well, but I'm not entirely sure.
"This is one of my driving factors ." should be "This is one of my driving forces". Once again this is simply the correct expression.
I'm sorry if this post just goes on and on. The essay is good though, and all the things I pointed out were very minor. Even though I said should be it's more like my recommendation. I just used "should be" to make a clear divide the whole time. I hope this helps you, and feel free to ignore my comments where you like.
Good luck!
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Owned in english by the south african
Thanks a shitload for your help man <3
P.S. do you know anyone with an xbox360? My friend turned on xbox live with the map that shows you where people are on, and there was one little light in all of africa in south africa 
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South Africa4316 Posts
Haha, I actually know one guy that plays xbox360 live in SA. He played at wcg07 in the cnc3 competition recently, and he is probably one of the only people in SA that has xbox live, since it costs around $300 a month to afford the internet to play it here :p
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On October 08 2007 08:19 Daigomi wrote:
Haha, I actually know one guy that plays xbox360 live in SA. He played at wcg07 in the cnc3 competition recently, and he is probably one of the only people in SA that has xbox live, since it costs around $300 a month to afford the internet to play it here :p
haha small world isnt it :p
Thanks a ton for nitpicking my essay, you found shit that i never even thought twice about, and i'm pretty sure was never taught to me despite taking primarily honors english courses (all though i did skip out on college prep composition T_T)
edit: updated essay
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I have learned to appreciate my family and friends more than ever and I value material positions much less than I did before ASP. I value material positions much less than I did before ASP.
:s?
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Cayman Islands24199 Posts
revise your first sentence. it sounds way too impersonal.
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gonna re-post what i wrote in another college essay blog post:
imo, college essays should show your character (at least a little bit), but they should also show the extent of your writing ability. there is a clear difference, when reading an essay, between someone who KNOWS how to write and someone who LOVES to write. the essay should flow well, have a tremendous, prevalent voice, and reading it should be like reading, well, poetry. writing is an art form to be mastered. the elegance and beauty of the words with which you use to present your point should be just as important as the idea you're trying to convey. first you must have an IDEA, then next you must, absolutely must have STYLE and VOICE.
don't use an excessive amount of words when one (or a fewer amount) can give an equal or greater effect with just as much (or perhaps even more) grace and elegance...
in this essay, i think you're actually being too concise with your wording. the essay overall sounds very generic. it accomplishes its purpose quite well (aka answering the prompt), but it does so without much flash or gusto. it doesn't stand out to me, and, most importantly, it doesn't sound genuine. the flow between paragraphs (especially from the 2nd to the 3rd and from the 3rd to the 4th paragraphs) seems very stopped and chopped up.
for example, at the end of the 3rd paragraph, you state several ways in which the experience affected you. then, after I value material positions much less than I did before ASP, the paragraph (and consequently the idea) ends abruptly and you jump straight into the next paragraph with no closure to the previous idea and no transition between the two paragraphs. state your points, but don't just stop there. don't be afraid to elaborate and heighten the atmosphere of your essay.
it's a very solid essay, however, and you shouldn't really have many problems with it. a good foundation for a good essay, imo . if you'd like an example of the kind of writing i'm talking about, i can post here one of my essays that got me accepted into northwestern and johns hopkins university.
good luck!
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Not bad writing. A lot of young writers overuse adverbs and I think you should keep an eye on them. Most words that end in -ly are adverbs, but there are non-ly words that are adverbs, too. I've never seen an adverb that a sentence couldn't do without. They're fluff. Sometimes they're nice to provide some lyrical quality (or writer's voice) to a sentence, and so you see a lot of them in novels, but their place in academic essays should be limited, imo.
I'm not saying you should get rid of them entirely, but I think it's a good idea to read through everything you write, identify the adverbs, and then ask yourself if the sentence needs them. Usually, it doesn't.
Here's a guide to help you identify adverbs.
Edit:
Your first sentence, for example, could be written:
I have lived my life in upper-middle class Caucasian suburbs; tight-knit communities with little diversity.
Instead of:
I lived the vast majority of my life in middle-upper class primarily Caucasian suburbs, tight-knit communities with little diversity.
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EPT
