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So yea i'm finally doing my college essays and am looking for some editing help, so feel free to critique and correct. Brutal honesty for the win  . If you feel like helping me in depth drop me a PM or msn me @ decafchicken@hotmail.com
Here is my first essay, 401 words (400 word limit zomg) for michigan state university: CURRENTLY WITHOUT A CONCLUSION
Describe a specific experience when you learned about a culture different from your own and how it affected or did not affect your worldview.
All my life I have lived in middle-upper class primarily Caucasian suburbs. Because of this, I have not had the opportunity to experience as many cultures as I would have liked. However, this past summer I was able to broaden my view on life by participating in the Appalachia Service Project (ASP). This is a week-long trip where my church drives down to an impoverished community in the Appalachian region.
This year we traveled down to Jonesville, VA. From the moment we arrived there I was immersed in a new culture. The majority of our day was spent working at our group’s family’s house. Through out the week my three peers, two adults, and I got to know our family. Sarah was a single mother raising her two children in a disheveled, aged house. As the week progressed, we completed several renovations on the house including rebuilding the rotten porch and stairs, fixing the foundation under the house in the crawl space which was in poor condition, and wall/floor repairs inside the house.
The satisfaction from helping another family in need through these tasks alone would have been enough for me. But I was also blessed to have gotten a family that was easy to get along with, and our group quickly formed a bond with the family, especially the children. Through this bond I also grew a great respect for the family. Even in poverty, I can truthfully say that they found more joy in life than any of us. They took greater pleasure in family and simple joys than I realized was possible. Through this revelation I no longer take everything I have for granted. I have learned to appreciate my family and friends more than ever, enriching my life. I place less value on material possessions than I did before, and don’t look to them as much as I did before ASP.
Another thing I learned from ASP was the value of kindness. In less than 7 days I was able to experience more kindness than I had in years from people I know. Sarah wouldn’t take “no” for an answer when inviting us for a lunch break, and the kids whom I had just met already trying to play games with us. By the end of the week, it was hard to part with each other, the kids wanting to come back with us in the van.
 
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I think that the essay is a little too much of the text book example when it comes to this topic. You learnt the joys of doing good things and value life more, which makes you look like a good person. But it doesn't make for a very fun or interesting read. It might be good to try a more unexpected and challenging perspective. Or at least be more personal in how the experience affected you. Even though you write for the teacher, try to write something that you yourself would enjoy reading. The short length of the essay makes it harder to stand out, but not impossible. I'm not saying it's bad, just if you want to improve maybe this can help.
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Hmm doesn't sound that exciting for me. Like what a typical student would write...make yourself unique! :D
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i learned nothing about you from reading this  . except that you're not poor and that you might be white and that at one point in your life, you helped a poor family?
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It's a pretty good essay, although I would recommend focusing more on yourself; I'm not saying you're not doing so already, but they want you to write an essay about how big of a selfish jackass you are, not how you helped out somebody in camp -_-;;;
You're free to not listen to anything I say. I'm Asian; what do I know about essay writing in English 
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Things in italics I don't like and sometimes have comments about. I think there's a lot to work on, so after things are restructured and completely revised there would be more things to change. Nobody's 1st or 2nd draft (2nd meaning after one good long round of revision) is any good.
(1) All my life I have lived in middle-upper class primarily [just a weakish word, skip this] Caucasian suburbs. (2) Because of this, I have not had the opportunity to experience as many cultures as I would have liked. (3) However, this past summer I was able to broaden my view on life [generic weak statement that says nothing] by participating in the Appalachia Service Project (ASP). (4) This is a week-long trip where my church drives down to an impoverished community in the Appalachian region.
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Sentence 1 sounds too bland--what kind of verb is "have lived"? A boring one. You can explain your background without saying I _____ suburbs. Something better might be: In the suburbs of ____ there's no _____ . Just an example, and there's just a to-be verb there; my example's not that great either. Yeah, you can combine sentences 1-2. In sentence 3 and everywhere else, please reference the writing prompt in words. Just say whatever your message is. Sentence 4 could be combined with sentence 3 or just plain left off, because that's just a random detail that has no meaning to your story. The information can be inferred from the details of the trip, and you want to save space for a 400 word essay.
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(5) This year we traveled down to Jonesville, VA. (6) From the moment we arrived there I was immersed in a new culture. (7) The majority of our day was spent working [subject is actually "we" or "I"; use "We worked" instead maybe] at our group’s family’s house. (8) Through out [change through out to throughout] the week my three peers, two adults, and I [mentioning other people here is irrelevant] got to know our family. (9) Sarah was a single mother raising her two children in a disheveled, aged house. (10) As the week progressed, we completed several renovations on the house including rebuilding the rotten porch and stairs, fixing the foundation under the house in the crawl space which was in poor condition [redundant], and wall/floor [don't use slashes in your writing in general] repairs inside the house.
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Maybe you could combine sentences 5-7. Sentence 9 is out of place in this paragraph. Reorder to somewhere else that makes more sense. In general, too many words are wasted on this paragraph mentioning details that aren't relevant to the message here.
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(11)The satisfaction from helping another family in need through these tasks alone would have been enough for me. (12) But I was also blessed to have gotten a family that was easy to get along with, and our group quickly formed a bond with the family, especially the children. (13) Through this bond I also grew a great respect for the family. (14) Even in poverty, I [grammar: right now, you're saying that you're living in poverty, as "even in poverty" is modifying "I"] can truthfully say [of course it's the truth--you're saying it and we believe you, now stop using filler words] that they found more joy in life than any of us. (15) They took greater pleasure in family and simple joys than I realized was possible. (16) Through this revelation I no longer take everything I have for granted. I have learned to appreciate my family and friends more than ever, enriching my life. (17) I place less value on material possessions than I did before, and don’t look to them as much as I did before ASP.
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Sentence 11 I don't like for some reason, is also too generic and bland. Sentence 13 just sounds awkward. You should reemphasize the message in sentence 14. Show us an example how the message in sentence 14 is true and spend a few sentences on that. You might want to take away sentence 15 and it'll become evident if you elaborate on sentence 14. Sentence 16 again reverts to generic life essay talk. To state your point stronger, try contrasting your normal life with their lives instead of using sentence 16. Sentence 17 also is kind of bland, show an example maybe or say something deeper.
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(18) Another thing I learned from ASP was the value of kindness. (19) In less than 7 days I was able to experience more kindness than I had in years from people I know. (20) Sarah wouldn’t take “no” for an answer when inviting us for a lunch break, and the kids whom I had just met [we know you just met them--replace with "her kids" already trying to play games with us. (21) By the end of the week, it was hard to part with each other, the kids wanting to come back with us in the van.
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Words get kind of lost in the middle of sentence 19. Try restructuring or saying the same thing with a different perspective. Sentence 20 is the kind of thing you want more of in your essay, except that the grammar is suspect in the latter half. Reword. Sentence 21 reverts to more bland generic essay speak, and the grammar is also suspect again. The ending is weak in general, and I wasn't convinced on the whole.
Try to keep down the number of generic "I learned X about life" insights, and take out all of the filler words and expressions. Then you'll have probably some 150-250 words to work with, with which you can add more detail. Instead of (or rather, in place of) just saying the family was poor, say something like you were almost ashamed of your new expensive sneakers when you saw what old sandals a kid was wearing.
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Edit: I started off rewriting your essay for you... there's SO MUCH unnecessary fluff in there, not to mention the unclear gobble-de-gook that abounds... But to be honest, the whole essay-- and that includes the focus of the essay-- could use a reworking. Your first 2-3 sentences are completely unnecessary as is the last paragraph in its entirety.
You did a good deed, and that's great, but the essay question wasn't "what good deeds have you done? please brag about it." You should be discussing the culture you were exposed to-- its characteristics, good and bad-- and how this exposure affected you. And please, when you do the rewrite, identify the culture you're dealing with! You never managed that in your first draft. Was the culture the culture of poverty? Too broad! The family you dealt with, what was their culture?... race, religion, social standing, political interests, cultural practices and taboos etc etc.
Good luck.
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Posting second draft tomorow hopefully, thanks for comments so far.
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I'll try to make some comments on this later (when i have time). I think it could use a rework though.
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ok i'm going to help you.
your current essay is not too impressive. you spent one week helping some poor family (minorities?), you gotta do better. as it stands, i feel like your essay shows a white boy who is really no different than the other white applicants. the lessons you learned are also very boring and cliche, they're not insightful and they don't give me the feeling that you truly felt something genuine. this can be changed though because it's not the lessons themselves necessarily (although they could be a lot better) that are the problem but how you elaborate on them. after spending one week with them you felt like they were some country folks that enjoyed life more than we do? i don't buy it. what happened exactly that led you to this insight? right now there is very little detail and very little facts and very little thought. and this last bit is my opinion and it's not substantiated, but it sounds like you view them as not your equals but as some poor souls that you (the superior) have to help or something.
this essay is trying to figure out if you are the type of person who can cross color barriers. maybe keep that in mind.
if i was writing about this essay i would write about: 1. cambridge christian fellowship, a majority black christian fellowship group i'm in, 2. starcraft (korean culture, Boxer), 3. smoking hooka with indians and transfer students, etc.
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i would write about either 1. korean starcraft culture or 2. internet forum culture
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On September 25 2007 12:01 geometryb wrote:
i would write about either 1. korean starcraft culture or 2. internet forum culture
Are you serious...
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for white people i would imagine it's a huge influx of new culture, because it not only leads to sc, but probably also korean culture and korean people etc + especially with being plugged into a korean community. culture is more than food, buildings, it's about people.
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the feeling i got when i read that was that it wasn't very sincere. more like you were trying to force-fit a church community service excursion to answer the question. maybe if you talked about something you felt very strongly for, you would do better.
also, like the others have mentioned, i found that read rather boring. if i were an evaluator at michigan state university, i would probably have read through thousands of essays that are more or less identical to yours.
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Here are some pointers:
1) I wouldn't emphasize a white/christian background. I don't really see how that would help you (although not totally bad just don't emphasize).
2) Don't count individual words....anything under 450-475 should be ok.
3) It seemed kind of boring. Maybe if you could make it seem more dramatic that would be good. You didn't just go some place, help some people, and make some observations. You had an experience.
For example, "as I saw the little girl playing with the barbie that had no head, with a joyful smile on her face, I looked into her eyes and saw myself. It was then I realized that there was no difference between her and me, rather, she was simply born into a different life. This humbling experience made me understand that its not the differences between our lives that is important, but rather, basic humanity, which is common to us all."
or
"then the mother said something I'll never forget. 'Thank you so much. Today I'm the happiest person in the world.', with such sincerity that it moved me. And I had no doubt it was true, yet all we were doing was fixing an unlivable place to make barely livable. At that point I understood where the real value was in our work. It wasn't nailing a few boards together or cleaning up some trash. It was the simple act of one person helping another; compassion and caring."
I guess you shouldn't just have a third-person account, but also a first-person perspective. I hope you understand what I'm saying.
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Second draft, if anyone checks this:
The vast majority of my life has been spent in middle-upper class primarily Caucasian suburbs. Everywhere I have lived has been a tight-knit community, with little diversity. I have never been outside the country, and met few people who have lived outside of America. However, this past summer, that all changed when I participated in the Appalachia Service Project (ASP), a week-long, annual trip in which members of my church travel to an impoverished community in the Appalachian region with the goal of rendering some amount of assistance.
This year, we traveled to Jonesville, VA. From the moment we arrived, I was immersed in a new culture. The majority of each day was spent working with Sarah, a single mother of two: Timmy and Erica. Her house was aging and in desperate need of renovation. As the week progressed, I became very close with the family. As the week progressed, we completed several renovations on the house including rebuilding the rotten porch and stairs, fixing a portion of the house’s foundation, and wall/floor repairs inside the house.
The satisfaction gained from helping a family in need would have been enough for me. But I was also blessed to have assisted such a pleasant, easy-going family, and we quickly formed a bond with the family, especially the children. My respect for the family is enormous. Even in poverty, I can truthfully say that they found more joy in life than any members of my group. They took greater pleasure in family and simple joys than I realized was possible. Through this revelation I no longer take everything I have for granted. I have learned to appreciate my family and friends more than ever, enriching my life. Material possessions hold less value in my life now; I do not give them as much thought as I did before ASP.
From ASP, I also gained a greater appreciation for the value of kindness. In less than seven days, I was able to experience more kindness than I had in years. Sarah wouldn’t take “no” for an answer when inviting us for a lunch break, and her children were always trying to play games with us. At the end of the week when we brought the family some surprise gifts, Sarah broke down in tears, struggling to find the words to thank us. Our parting was difficult, with the kids wanting to come back with us in the van. When it came time to leave, Sarah’s children chased our van down the road, waving goodbye and grinning ear to ear as they ran after us.
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Braavos36390 Posts
I won't talk about content or overall idea or anything, but here are a few tips on making your writing read better:
On October 01 2007 05:44 decafchicken wrote:
The vast majority of my life has been spent in middle-upper class primarily Caucasian suburbs.
Try not to use "has been spent" passive structure. This sentence should read "I lived the vast majority of my life..."
Everywhere I have lived has been a tight-knit community, with little diversity.
Bad structure.
Should read "I have only lived in a tight-knit community with little diversity."
I have never been outside the country, and met few people who have lived outside of America.
Parallelism problem. Also, while it may be clear that you're talking about America from later in your essay, don't lead with "the country" first in the sentence and then say America later. Once you identify it's America then it's okay to refer to it as "the country."
Should read "I have never been outside America and have only met a few people who have lived outside the country."
However, this past summer, that all changed when I participated in the Appalachia Service Project (ASP), a week-long, annual trip in which members of my church travel to an impoverished community in the Appalachian region with the goal of rendering some amount of assistance.
I think you should break this sentence up because you're making an important point that the reader realize and take a breath.
Should read: "However, this past summer, that all changed. I participated..."
This year, we traveled to Jonesville, VA.
I don't see how this changes anything from being outside America. I was led to believe that you were traveling outside the US from your sentences earlier. Focus on the class/community issue or the country issue.
From the moment we arrived, I was immersed in a new culture. The majority of each day was spent working with Sarah, a single mother of two: Timmy and Erica. Her house was aging and in desperate need of renovation. As the week progressed, I became very close with the family. As the week progressed, we completed several renovations on the house including rebuilding the rotten porch and stairs, fixing a portion of the house’s foundation, and wall/floor repairs inside the house.
The experience may have been eye-opening and insightful for you but being poor is not a different culture.
The majority of each day was spent working with Sarah, a single mother of two: Timmy and Erica.
Also stop using passive structure. The colon and kids' names are awkward at the end of this sentence. Try to introduce their names a different way.
Should read: "I spent the majority of the day working with Sarah, a single mother of two, on her house that was aging and in desperate need of renovation. As the week progressed, I became very close with her and her two kids, Timmy and Erica."
As the week progressed, we completed several renovations on the house including rebuilding the rotten porch and stairs, fixing a portion of the house’s foundation, and wall/floor repairs inside the house.
You repeated "as the week progressed," I hope unintentionally  . "...n the house" is not needed, as it's assumed. Also, parallelism problems. If you use one type of verb in a 3-item list, use the same form. You used "rebuilding... fixing... and wall/floor repairs." You should either use all infinitive forms of the verbs or all noun forms. I also don't think it's necessary to say "several renovations" or even "in the house" as those are just restating information already given. Your writing looks and flows better if you make it simple and only convey new information.
Should read: "We rebuilt the rotten porch and stairs, fixed part of the foundation, and repaired the wall and floor inside." [Notice same tense and form of list: rebuilt, fixed, repaired]
The satisfaction gained from helping a family in need would have been enough for me.
Again, don't be passive.
Should read: "I would have been happy with just the satisfaction that I helped a family in need." or "I would have been satisfied just helping a family in need."
But I was also blessed to have assisted such a pleasant, easy-going family, and we quickly formed a bond with the family, especially the children.
You already stated you formed a bond, so you don't have to state it like it's a new fact. Focus on the bond being special. Also "I was blessed to have..." doesn't really convey the meaning you want here. You want to say that you got something over and above simple help satisfaction.
Combine this with the previous sentence:
"I would have been satisfied just helping someone in need, but I never expected to form such a strong bond with a mother and kids in just a week. They were so pleasant and easy-going despite their difficult situation."
This leads into your next sentence better:
My respect for the family is enormous. Even in poverty, I can truthfully say that they found more joy in life than any members of my group.
Don't use structures like "I can truthfully say" because it's implied that what you're saying is your opinion and you are saying it truthfully. Nobody is thinking someone else said this or that it's a lie. The first sentence is just a stylistic change.
Should read: "I have great respect for this family. Even in poverty, they found more joy in live than most members of my group."
They took greater pleasure in family and simple joys than I realized was possible.
Same passive stuff. Don't use "simple joys" because there are many simple joys we can take pleasure from.
Should read: "I did not realize you could take such pleasure in family and simple things." or "I did not realize someone could take such pleasure..."
[quote]Through this revelation I no longer take everything I have for granted.[quote]
Some stylistic changes.
"From Sarah and her kids, I learned to not take everything I have for granted."
"Sarah and her kids taught me to appreciate everything I have."
[quote]I have learned to appreciate my family and friends more than ever, enriching my life.[/quote]
You don't need "enriching my life," the reader can jump to this logical conclusion.
"I learned to appreciate my family and friends more than ever."
[quote]Material possessions hold less value in my life now; I do not give them as much thought as I did before ASP.[/quote]
Less passivity. The second sentence is superfluous.
"I value material positions much less than I did before ASP."
[quote]From ASP, I also gained a greater appreciation for the value of kindness. In less than seven days, I was able to experience more kindness than I had in years.[/quote]
This is a bit of an exaggeration, I'm sure you've experienced kindness and warmth from people before. The examples of their kindness don't really back up your statement of "...more than I had in years." I'd elaborate.
"From this experience, I gained a greater appreciation for simple kindness..."
[quote]Sarah wouldn’t take “no” for an answer when inviting us for a lunch break, and her children were always trying to play games with us. At the end of the week when we brought the family some surprise gifts, Sarah broke down in tears, struggling to find the words to thank us. Our parting was difficult, with the kids wanting to come back with us in the van. When it came time to leave, Sarah’s children chased our van down the road, waving goodbye and grinning ear to ear as they ran after us.[/QUOTE]
I'd definitely add a sentence or conclusion to tie it up. Maybe how you are kinder now or something. Or change the structure and put the appreciate family and material possession thing in the conclusion and the examples of their kindness in the body. Or I'd tie it in about how you want to experience new things and meet people from diverse backgrounds and that's what leads you to this college, or what makes you excited about college.
As for this particular paragraph:
[quote]Our parting was difficult, with the kids wanting to come back with us in the van. [/quote]
Our parting was very difficult. Timmy and Erica wanted to come back with us, and chased our van down the road, waving goodbye and grinning ear to ear.
Add conclusion paragraph and restructure.
Hope this was helpful.
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I hope you get in :D its a good school!
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On October 01 2007 12:19 Slaughter)BiO wrote:
I hope you get in :D its a good school!
I'm only going because i cant get into NU/UM
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EPT
