I've been thinking a lot about events that have happened in my past. Some happy ones, others...not so much. I think I get stuck on things too easily, as in whenever something bad happens (good things too in some cases!), I tend to think about it a lot. I've gotten better at not letting it consume me, but most of the time it isn't always that easy.
I'll be the first one to admit this: I've done and said a lot of stupid shit that I'm not necessarily proud of, and I've made a lot of stupid mistakes. I think me being on the autism spectrum contributed to this at least a little bit, because there might sometimes be things I don't necessarily understand, and I just genuinely feel awkward in social situations a lot of the time. However, I think I've made a significant effort to learn from those mistakes and make myself a better person.
A friend gave me a compliment last week. He told me that he appreciated me and I was always one of his biggest supporters. Not to say I didn't appreciate what he said to me, but this felt weird to take in for a multitude of reasons:
1. Sometimes, I admittedly get anxiety as to whether people are messing with me or not. I don't think this friend is the type of person who would say things he didn't genuinely mean, especially in this context, but the anxiety was still there nonetheless. This got a lot worse during COVID times, notably because I had so-called "friends" who turned out to be messing with me big time. I ended cutting those "friends" off about 7-8 months ago, but that's not the point.
2. Compliments are normally pretty hard for me to take in. Over the years, I got pretty used to people being not very nice to me, that whenever I receive a compliment, it usually takes me a bit to process it. It especially felt weird hearing that I was genuinely appreciated, because no one had really said that to me up to that point (at least in recent memory). I had actually got used to thinking and feeling like the exact opposite.
I was thinking a lot about this friend and what he had said to me, because it genuinely meant a lot to hear. I found our old Twitter DMs from 2019, and I remembered that it was me who had originally reached out to him, saying that I saw him at a Smash Bros local at my local mall, and wanted to say something to him but didn't really know how. I've admittedly been reminiscing on this time period, from late 2018 to around the time I graduated high school in 2019. Going to these locals was my favorite way to spend my Saturday nights, and I miss that time period a lot.
But do you know what I think? I strongly believe that it's important to remember the past and how it's affected you, but I also think that it's even more important to focus on the present, and not to let memories from the past consume you - at least not the bad ones.
I feel like this is a good post to make. If you read the whole thing, thank you!