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A few months ago, I started seeing someone and became quite close. She was practically living with me at times. We were together a month and a half or two months or so. Stayed mild friends.
A few weeks in I learned she was already living with her boyfriend (8 years senior, her old boss), and they have been together for 5+ years. She claimed her mother didn't like him, because he was unemployed, and had no plans for them (such as marriage), and also she didn't really love him anymore, didn't have sex with him, didn't want to look at him, he just played Lineage all day and never bothered asking why she slept out so many nights, she paid his loans for school and stuff.
She's an alcoholic and suffers from bipolar disorder. Also not exactly sordid, but difficult, past. She's not stupid, and is quite honest in a way. It's just that what's "honest" changes frequently. In some ways it's like falling in love with someone who doesn't really exist. There's a base human, but then there's this mix of mentally ill and substance abuse. But I thought it was a beautiful thing.
The other day I learned they officially married this year. (So within 3 months of tying the knot she said, this sucks, went and met someone else and said she loved him and asked to get married.) She says I was the first person she met, and got attached to. Edit: I mean started cheating with me, I was the first of that. In hindsight I can partly believe that. You have to understand, it's like living inside a detective novel trying to figure out what's true when opposite things are said depending on what day of the week it is.
After that, she met at least 3 other guys. The latest was a friend of a previous one. The previous one was married (or "also married" I should fucking say now), as well as had a child with another woman. Now, my, the subject woman, she got upset one day when his wife started texting her after finding about the affair from the guy's phone. (It's like the Springer show. What happened to make my life this way?)
The other day she told me she thought she might be pregnant by one of those guys. I told her she could come here, whatever. (No cuck. But what's she supposed to do, leave a pregnancy test in the trash at the home where she lives with a guy she doesn't fuck? You know? At least figure out what's going on, don't just have this missed period stress.)
The next day she told me her husband found out she had been cheating by going through her phone.(I know her phone and apps are well locked because I had previously wanted to find her "boyfriend's" number because I thought he would have a right to know the person he lives with is shamelessly and repeatedly betraying him. I had sent an anonymous email to what I believed was his address, which was really hard to do because I didn't know how he would react against her, but in the end I don't think that ever got to him. But I guess he figured out her PINs better than I could or when she was sleeping or something.) Also, she had gotten a new phone, which is in his name, so he just had her texts printed. Is that technically possible? If I register a phone and give it to someone I can just go to the phone company and get a copy of all their texts?
Or do you have to put some kind of spying software into the device? This is kind of important technically because then he would be lying. If you need software to do it... it's probably not legal to wiretap even your spouse.
Anyway so he found out so she therefore told him about me. Spilled the beans. Let the cat out of the bag. And he was mad. But she didn't tell him about anyone else she met. Lucky me. She used to tell me he gets mad, or has a little bit of a temper and throws stuff, and has a kind of twitch. She, despite being bipolar, is shockingly nonviolent. Probably because of her size also. Which reminds me, her previous relationship, she told me, he always took her phone and knew her passwords for stuff. So she would be easy to "control" in this way just from a physical standpoint. Although with her husband now, she insists she doesn't know what happened, she always made sure to protect her stuff. But it seems like he's going to be on top of everything now.
I'm not super worried with him having my picture, number, what he thinks might be my address but he can't get in. I have his photo as well and as she told me he's quite skinny. Not that I'm any kind of fighter.
She is broke now from medical bills (Unrelated to pregnancy, just other body issues) and from working but not exactly steadily. Money has been going down for a while maybe. Meeting me actually precipitated her instantly quitting a job she hated.
She said she was going to visit her mother who said she could stay for a week. I asked, then what? (No answer.) He said she would have to go to court, and that he would cancel her phone by today.
Then today I learned that she is with him. From him. Who told me from her phone to back off. That he has my picture blahblah and knows what's going on and let's not have any trouble.
The reason this is disconcerting to me is she just said she would stay with her mom the day before. So my first thoughts are:
1) That spying/tracking thing could even be true and he could have followed her and taken her back (Not exactly kidnapping, but you understand) Although that could mostly be my paranoia as the guy seems like kind of a dunce also
2) Obviously she's now broke and unemployed and has nowhere to go and can't stay with mom forever. And figured out she has no options. This seems functionally equivalent to the previous situation, because she's equally vulnerable to being hurt.
Is that her fault? I'll tell you, when I wrote the email, I really grappled with this. What if something happens. Could I really call myself blameless? Or no, that's just the risk? But she's the one who chose to do these things. I thought, if it ruins their relationship, so be it. If she chooses to destroy her life, that's on her, I thought. But she doesn't deserve to become a victim. Now I'm worried, if they're together, and he knows, this is more of a powder keg. Seems much more dangerous.
I thought the gentlemanly thing would be to meet him when she told me she told him about us. But didn't start drinking early enough to do it tonight. Not necessarily to tell him about the other slew of guys she plowed through, even (Which he should have known about if my email ever got there). Oh. Right. I sent a non-anonymous email one time just asking who is this, to get a reply and see if it was right, after nothing happened from the other email, but yeah no answer. So that was all nonsense. Yeah. Just so I could explain it was months ago and see what's up.
I thought about, go to the police and have them do a wellness check kind of thing. Because of course if she thinks she has no options, and he wants to keep her around to abuse, she could be there, or if they're going to reconcile their relationship, she could be there. Point is, alone, she could admit whether it's okay. Or are you going to tell me it's not my business? Do I want to do something because I care about her safety or for my peace of mind?
Thought about other stuff but they're mostly bad ideas or infeasible. Thought about doing nothing but it's hard not knowing whether this person is being or going to be hurt.
As Burt Young said, life is funnier than shit.
Or as Josh Brolin said, I'm fixing to do something dumber than hell, but I'm going anyways.
I have been keeping this pretty close to my chest. I feel like I know what most people around me would say if I were to ask them. But I don't know exactly "why." Or I can't corroborate "why" with my own experience so I need to look externally... I appeal to you... lay it on me... or if you want more ask away...
Sorry if disorganized. Thank you for your time and effort.
+ Show Spoiler +
Have a drink and a listen and feel better.
  
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Ish, that's quite a tricky situation.
Maybe you could try to informed to her mom/one of her close friends, maybe not tell everything (aka the pregancy if it does exist) but at least warn them to keep an eye out on her and her boyfriend to make sure nothing bad is going on? It's not perfect but I don't really see what else you can do.
You can always try to have a conversation with her or her boyfriend but I think it's ok if you don't necessarily want to get involved too much, especially if you aren't sure the answers you will get are honest/ if they really want to speak with you.
I don't think you have a duty to tell the BF about the other guys, it does suck for him, but at this point it's not your fault/problem.
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Right. If I went the vindictive route I could do that. Or I could do it in a conscientious way as well, like I originally tried with emailing.
I guess her mom is the closest person she can trust so she went there, but even they. I mean, she abandoned her when she was young. If there's anyone you can say, help, I might be pregnant, I would've thought it should be mom. But I don't know. Husband controlling everything now so I doubt I could reach her.
I always wondered actually maybe her BF knew everything she was up to and it was just their relationship. Because honestly, where did he think she was sleeping? But it could suck for me as well if he thinks it was all me. Like I stole his wife. Don't want some guy stalking me specifically when she just went crazy and went on a spree.
On the other hand, if he doesn't know, and I revealed that, he might really hurt her, or she could be on the street.
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They are married and she could've changed her mind about staying with her mom. I know it's natural to be worried about that situation, but it is the nature of bipolar disorder's affects on mood to change her mind.
The trouble I see is that you're an ex-boyfriend, even trying to help her out of compassion, and have a history with her now-husband that he will use against you. The only gentlemanly thing I can think of is to see if you can connect her with some other friends that will hang out with her and offer counsel and see if the home life is bad or worse. The others just appear ineffectual or counter-productive to me.
She repeatedly betrayed him, and lied to you and probably others about him, and has slept around with several guys while being married. He looks like a loser. A marriage like that won't be healthy. I think that's the first important thing to accept.
Maybe take a month of extremely limited communication (like respond to texts/phone calls once a week) so she knows you aren't an extra emotional pillow to use. If you can find some distance, maybe then you can check in and see if there's abuse or something very serious and be knowledgeable enough to call the police if so.
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That's true, could've just changed her mind. But still the point remains, nowhere else to go... I haven't posted here in months how'd you zero in on me so quick? 
Right, everything I know tells me their relationship is messed up (They're both... Off). And that all her relationships are messed up. Of course that's natural but it shouldn't mean someone deserves to be some abused prisoner. It has been a while of them together though. They have some kind of way of dealing with each other even if I don't have the slightest understanding of it. You think I'm the jumpy one, or overthinking? Just I'd hate to wake up Monday and read LOCAL GIRL MURDERED in the paper.
I am kind of in alert mode now so I'll see.
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I check in with the left sidebar for Blog section to see if any titles interest me. All caps + the name stands out. Stuff like the Great Pyramid and semantics of Comstat station just get filtered.
Two messed up people getting hitched and forming a messed up relationship is still their choice, and the first level is accepting there's nothing you can do about it. Which sucks and you're supposed to feel bad that it sucks if you're human with human emotions. The "what to do about it" is a parallel to pretending you could reach in and force her to get better treatment for her disorder and block her car when she wants to cheat on her husband for sixth or seventh time. For the same reason that isn't going to happen and is just pretend, you're not going to magically protect her from afar from her choices as a wronged ex-boyfriend and make it all better. If you can successfully do the month thing I suggested, maybe you can be one to check in here and there for abuse and connect her to better friends or treatment. So you can feel you helped and so she might not always be the girl in messed up relationships constantly coping by cheating on the current one. But if you're still in contact with people that see her regularly (the ones that tell you their relationship is messed up), then you can just encourage them to be aware of signs of abuse and whether she's receiving treatment.
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She's an alcoholic and suffers from bipolar disorder. Also not exactly sordid, but difficult, past. She's not stupid, and is quite honest in a way. It's just that what's "honest" changes frequently.In some ways it's like falling in love with someone who doesn't really exist. There's a base human, but then there's this mix of mentally ill and substance abuse. But I thought it was a beautiful thing.
She says I was the first person she met, and got attached to. Edit: I mean started cheating with me, I was the first of that. In hindsight I can partly believe that. You have to understand, it's like living inside a detective novel trying to figure out what's true when opposite things are said depending on what day of the week it is.
I'd say it's not your responsibility to fix things for her, especially when you can't even trust that what she says is true. I don't think you should allow her to continue unloading her personal life onto you when she has proven herself manipulative and untrustworthy. Judging from what you've written, it doesn't sound like she's in imminent danger, just a shitty situation that she needs to find her own way out of. Any action that I can think of you taking could lead you to getting further entangled into her life, which maybe a part of you wants. That doesn't sound like a good idea to me though.
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She doesn't drive. Wasn't hyperbole when I said alcoholic. Which she also learned by being with him. I hoped maybe we could get her to try sobering up some before so she could slow down and think about life decisions instead of just playing blindfolded with a dartboard of mistakes. But.
Edit 2nd post: Yes she's untrustworthy, but in a way that becomes predictable once you get used to her personality. I wouldn't say she is manipulative as almost everything fails for her. Manipulative has some sense of competence. And also malice. For me. I'd say bipolar and messed up but fundamentally not a bad person. Maybe. I have my doubts though I confess it's not easy to believe always. But I've dealt with malicious people and even them in situations where it's possible something could lead to their death it's not easy at all to live with that thought no matter how bad or what they did to you.
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Maybe I missed something, but I don't really see anything in this story to show her in danger of anything but her own bad decisions. This doesn't seem to be your problem, either (outside of some guy who you don't know not liking you.) Although I may be warped by my personal bias against dishonest people, but I feel like I would back out of this all together.
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So let me get this straight. Your girlfriend was living with you a few months ago, and at the same time living (???) with her boyfriend who was soon to become her husband a few weeks into that relationship, "cheated" on both you and her other boyfriend, got pregnant from one of three guys at the same time whilst married, but definitely not the husband who she definitely doesn't have sex with and she went and lived with you for a while.
So the husband finds out about you and her somehow, but you don't feel physically threatened because you are fatter than him. What to do? I don't know, it's kind of obvious from about the time you found out she was cheating on you along with three other guys. Cut her out from your life. You care about her? Well tough, it's for your own good. You still want to have sex care about her? She went straight to you about her pregnancy problem. She's obviously looking to have sex pay off your school loans for you. You think the husband should know about the other 3 guys. That's easy, just text her since he seems to have access to her phone messages. Everybody knows where you live. Just make sure you have secure locks and a reliable fire alarm system.
Also don't use the word cuck. What are you some kind of incel?
Second also, the very attached husband doesn't have sex with his wife, spends all day playing online games, but has his loans paid off by his broke wife who works and who cheats on him with 4 guys. I'm not sure who is exploiting who here. Not sure why either are emotionally attached to either since they never see each other.
Third also, "But what's she supposed to do, leave a pregnancy test in the trash at the home where she lives with a guy she doesn't fuck? " makes no sense. She can throw it in the trash anywhere. Or even *gasp!* litter. You don't seem to know this but a pregnancy test are tiny things that can be placed in a pocket. We are talking about someone who freely sleeps away from their home. There was no reason for her to go live with you for a pregnancy test especially when many give results in minutes.
2/10, chronological order confusing, many ambiguities.
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In that position I would do a few things:
-Don't necessarily believe anything she says, she's obviously not a trustworthy or honest person
-If you have legitimate reasons to fear for her safety then contact the authorities, but it doesn't seem to be the case
-She's an adult, she is responsible for her bad decisions
-Your impact on the life of a married woman, as a guy who's been in her life for a brief period of time, is slim to none, there is nothing you can personally do
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She lived with her boyfriend for a long time and married this year. 3 months later met me. I say practically lived with, just mean she really spent a lot of time here. Not like we picked out furniture. Okay then a few weeks later told me I was the other man. Then told me I was the other other man.
update is not pregnant.
Fatter than him. Haha yes.
Second: As I said one time when angry they're a match made in retard heaven.
Third: You're right of course there are public toilets but you sound like a man, no offense. I don't like taking shits outside of my house. Can only imagine checking for new life in a McDonalds...
About cheating. If you don't commit to someone (me, unlike HUSBAND), it is kind of... I mean there's no reason to assume any attachment or exclusivity just because someone says they love you and want to marry you. People get drunk and say shit. She has a point. I don't know if she went straight to me. Maybe good point. But at least I maintained some image above the level of the other trash then.
Update: Yeah he forgave her. I said he was a loser, inspired by Danglars, but that annoyed her as I guess she's protective of him. Anyway he's only mad at me (not his angel). And he only knows about me. And he's going to take her phone back so at least I know how to reach him. He was talking about visiting again. Maybe tried to come here already, but couldn't get in, but anyway he really has the address and building code. Thanks for running defense for me. "No, I do not know his building code. Sorry."
She can't do anything about him with respect to me. So it looks like I have to preemptively text him to make an appointment and meet me somewhere like gentlemen rather than show up at my house and stuff. Right?
I know this hasn't been my most elegant prose. It's more of a raw dump. But it's a confusing situation so it's difficult to articulate. The process is helping.
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On November 09 2019 05:27 Djzapz wrote:
In that position I would do a few things:
-Don't necessarily believe anything she says, she's obviously not a trustworthy or honest person
-If you have legitimate reasons to fear for her safety then contact the authorities, but it doesn't seem to be the case
-She's an adult, she is responsible for her bad decisions
-Your impact on the life of a married woman, as a guy who's been in her life for a brief period of time, is slim to none, there is nothing you can personally do
YES!
Now I have to run defense for myself. Idiot is living with a serial cheater and might try to come after oBlade with everything because he doesn't want to see it. I will have to sleep on this. I have no idea how to navigate that.
The fact that he forgave her is great because it means she won't bother me anymore. And he wouldn't have cause to hurt her. The fact that he's mad at me means I might have to divulge the other suitors in the course of exonerating myself. Which would leave her under the bus, because it's easier to forgive one guy than five guys. That is, I don't want to get him angry at her, if he's not now, because then she will get angry at me. Also, then she might get hurt, which was what my instinctive worry was, but is not an issue right now. So I have to defuse it between him and me without implicating her.
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On November 09 2019 06:16 oBlade wrote:Show nested quote +On November 09 2019 05:27 Djzapz wrote:
In that position I would do a few things:
-Don't necessarily believe anything she says, she's obviously not a trustworthy or honest person
-If you have legitimate reasons to fear for her safety then contact the authorities, but it doesn't seem to be the case
-She's an adult, she is responsible for her bad decisions
-Your impact on the life of a married woman, as a guy who's been in her life for a brief period of time, is slim to none, there is nothing you can personally do YES! Now I have to run defense for myself. Idiot is living with a serial cheater and might try to come after oBlade with everything because he doesn't want to see it. I will have to sleep on this. I have no idea how to navigate that. The fact that he forgave her is great because it means she won't bother me anymore. And he wouldn't have cause to hurt her. The fact that he's mad at me means I might have to divulge the other suitors in the course of exonerating myself. Which would leave her under the bus, because it's easier to forgive one guy than five guys. That is, I don't want to get him angry at her, if he's not now, because then she will get angry at me. Also, then she might get hurt, which was what my instinctive worry was, but is not an issue right now. So I have to defuse it between him and me without implicating her.
The number of people who would actually be violent towards the person their wife cheated with is rather small. It's just one of the ways in which people get "wronged" in life. Also, a guy who's being described as I guess a passive, lazy gamer and forgiving of her infidelities doesn't immediately come off to me as very threatening.
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You don't really need to diffuse anything lol. You contacted her again to call him a loser, evidently (how did you think that would go well, especially if he has access to her phone?) Why do you keep putting yourself in their business? Just leave it alone, man.
Also I feel the need to re-assess some of the initial points. Let's be honest, she probably just showed him the texts after he asked "hey wtf is with this email I got saying you've been fucking around on me?" She didn't tell you that because she is a liar and it's easier to place the blame on her "controlling" man. They reconcile, here we are. She didn't really throw you under the bus, you were laying in the street.
All that being said, I've definitely been wrong before :p
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You need to think what you want out of this. Not sure why you went ahead and told her that her husband is a loser, maybe you need to think on that one. If that's what you want to do though that's fine. Everyone is an idiot and a loser. Both of them are, and so are you for letting her into your home. If you want to tell her husband about the other 3 guys that's fine too. Set up a private meeting. Tell him you want to play some Lineage. How do you even know about the other three guys? She told you? If you worry about her getting hurt, then you don't need to worry at all, it's her life, she can hurt herself just fine. Like Bamboo has written, if you want to diffuse, just stop talking to her. Easy.
Btw, there is no reason why she can't just do the pregnancy test in her own home. Can't throw the pregnancy test in the trash is such a dumb reason for someone who can freely move around. She doesn't have pockets? She can't just go do it in her mother's home? She is having sex with 3 guys in a month other than her husband, and you think a fast food restaurant toilet is too dirty for her? She must be having sex with those 3 guys in that exact previous month btw, that's kind of how you would think you are pregnant works, because you missed a period. Where is the pregnancy test now btw? In your trash?
Actually I just want to repeat a point bamboo made. Everthing you know about her husband is from her. Apart from "From him. Who told me from her phone to back off. That he has my picture blahblah and knows what's going on and let's not have any trouble." which is so light on details it sounds made up, you never seen or met him, that may not even be her husband at all. For all you know, he might be a 7 foot tall gentle beefcake who wouldn't hurt a fly with an open relationship with her, and the other guy on the end of the phone is just some random guy. How did you even found his email anyways? How did you even find out that when she was your girlfriend that she was already living with her boyfriend of 5+ years.Why did he said she would have to go to court? This husband may not even exist at all. Like I have written before, your story is unclear on a lot of details.
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All true, Djzapz.
On November 09 2019 07:14 NrG.Bamboo wrote:
You don't really need to diffuse anything lol. You contacted her again to call him a loser, evidently (how did you think that would go well, especially if he has access to her phone?) Why do you keep putting yourself in their business? Just leave it alone, man.
Loser was incidental. She just texted me while he was sleeping and talked about what's going on. Not their business, mine, I don't want a guy after me you understand.
On November 09 2019 07:14 NrG.Bamboo wrote:
Also I feel the need to re-assess some of the initial points. Let's be honest, she probably just showed him the texts after he asked "hey wtf is with this email I got saying you've been fucking around on me?" She didn't tell you that because she is a liar and it's easier to place the blame on her "controlling" man. They reconcile, here we are. She didn't really throw you under the bus, you were laying in the street.
All that being said, I've definitely been wrong before :p
The controlling part was in regards to me worrying about his reaction and them being together. He has no history of being super controlling as we can see.
The timing doesn't add up for me to think the email reached him or that it was anything about that. Could have just become independently suspicious due to them having a terrible relationship and her never being home.
On November 09 2019 07:33 Dangermousecatdog wrote:
You need to think what you want out of this. Not sure why you went ahead and told her that her husband is a loser, maybe you need to think on that one. If that's what you want to do though that's fine. Everyone is an idiot and a loser. Both of them are, and so are you for letting her into your home. If you want to tell her husband about the other 3 guys that's fine too. Set up a private meeting. Tell him you want to play some Lineage. How do you even know about the other three guys? She told you? If you worry about her getting hurt, then you don't need to worry at all, it's her life, she can hurt herself just fine. Like Bamboo has written, if you want to diffuse, just stop talking to her. Easy.
I would like to meet him in a way where even if I'm scapegoated for her behavior I don't have him or anybody after me. Or what would he want with my address and building code.
On November 09 2019 07:33 Dangermousecatdog wrote:
Btw, there is no reason why she can't just do the pregnancy test in her own home. Can't throw the pregnancy test in the trash is such a dumb reason for someone who can freely move around. She doesn't have pockets? She can't just go do it in her mother's home? She is having sex with 3 guys in a month other than her husband, and you think a fast food restaurant toilet is too dirty for her? She must be having sex with those 3 guys in that exact previous month btw, that's kind of how you would think you are pregnant works, because you missed a period. Where is the pregnancy test now btw? In your trash?
Thank you for illuminating.
On November 09 2019 07:33 Dangermousecatdog wrote:
Actually I just want to repeat a point bamboo made. Everthing you know about her husband is from her. Apart from "From him. Who told me from her phone to back off. That he has my picture blahblah and knows what's going on and let's not have any trouble." which is so light on details it sounds made up, you never seen or met him, that may not even be her husband at all. For all you know, he might be a 7 foot tall gentle beefcake who wouldn't hurt a fly with an open relationship with her, and the other guy on the end of the phone is just some random guy. How did you even found his email anyways? How did you even find out that when she was your girlfriend that she was already living with her boyfriend of 5+ years.Why did he said she would have to go to court? This husband may not even exist at all. Like I have written before, your story is unclear on a lot of details.
Life is unclear, my friend.
Go to court, because obviously he got mad and wanted to divorce?
What is all the rest. Okay, for all I know, her father is Eisenhower and she's an 8 foot tall mermaid married to Rick Astley.
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Ouch. She and I texted on an app about 6 this morning, but I guess he found it (she cunningly left it undeleted) or she told him for whatever reason.
I had been ruminating on what, if anything, to do. I thought just to offer to meet like a gentleman, friend told me his threatening texts were just big talk, and that he's blind, I said he's obviously operating emotionally so I have to focus extra hard on being rational. Friend said yeah rational. But what's the right answer.
But in the meantime that backfired since he started angrily texting me on that app. Telling me not to talk to her (fine) and threatening stuff (not good for me). So I just said, she didn't say she was married, I hope you two can work things out, don't hurt her, don't threaten me, if there's anything else to talk about you have my number we can be polite and meet otherwise no reason to contact.
Hope that won't end up provoking anything? I will update you fine folks if we meet or he tries any kind of revenge.
Imagine texting your lovers on a phone in your spouse's name.
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Man, this whole situation seems so wrong to me personally that I would immediately stay as far away as possible from this mad dog of a girl, form her aggressive friends and connections, from her mental and financial issues. And I would take the utmost care to look inside myself and improve my own mind and reasoning.
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On November 09 2019 19:22 IntoTheStorm wrote:
Man, this whole situation seems so wrong to me personally that I would immediately stay as far away as possible from this mad dog of a girl, form her aggressive friends and connections, from her mental and financial issues. And I would take the utmost care to look inside myself and improve my own mind and reasoning.
The second part is fine but I don't get the first. Everyone has problems. You have problems. "Be afraid and run away from everyone who doesn't live up to your exacting standards." Marcus Aurelius I think.
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EPT
