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I've never really written a blog, diary or similar before... but here goes.
Two years ago, my girlfriend since four years ago left me. I never saw it coming and it broke my heart. Half a year later, after losing 10kg rapidly and feeling generally terrible, I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at the age of 27. It’s the kind of thing you don’t expect. At the same time, there was a whole lot going on at work. I was promised a new position but the details dragged out. Eventually I got it but there was a transition period where I pretty much did the job of two.
I never really recovered from the blows of losing my girlfriend and being diagnosed with diabetes. There was also a bunch of other things going on which effected me in a bad way. Some of my best friends decided to leave to Australia for a year which left me feeling more isolated. So, I escaped it, shut it off, buried myself in work – and never got any help. It was a terrible idea. Anxiety started building up inside me. It led to frequent panic attacks forcing me to work from home – which in turn led to social anxiety. It was spiraling out of control.
Four months ago, this had grown into serious thoughts of suicide. To the point where I told a few friends goodbye. I don’t think it took more than 15 minutes before they were at my place and took me to an emergency psychiatry where I got something for the anxiety attacks. Three months ago, I woke up one day and was unable to do anything. I just laid in bed for the entire day staring at the ceiling. And for the next day, and the day after that, it was the same.
I sent an email saying I was home sick but that was about it. Then I stopped replying. After a week they contacted my family at which point I had to tell them how I felt after which they set me up to see a doctor. I was put on sick leave. Thoughts of suicide remained. I was seeing a psychologist and was put on anti-depressants but I didn’t feel it did that much. It was slowly feeling worse and worse.
Then one day I got to meet a new psychologist. She could read me like a book, or at least so it felt. We spoke for about three hours and it was the kind of talk that made an immediate change for the better. One thing we spoke about were hobbies. I told her I used to build websites a couple of years back. She encouraged me to start doing it again.
For a while I had had an idea for a website. But I was sure I could never build it myself. But being on sick leave and after being encouraged to pick it up I went home and started searching for domains. I found a perfect one for my project, ggnow.tv, and started working on it immediately. I made a very simple design at first and started on the code.
As I built it I realized more and more features I wanted. Which made the database a bit of a mess at the time. It sort of evolved organically. After having the basic features down I went back to the design. It went through several iterations before I finalized it. Doing all of this, I loved it. I felt energized for the first time in ages. So I kept on going. But after a while I lost pace, I started doubting my idea and my skills. Work on the site slowed down.
I had talked a lot with my friends and family about the site. They told me I had to finish it, and pushed me to complete a version good enough to be released. Two days ago I had a few beers and mustered the courage to post about the site on a few forums.
The feedback I got was overwhelming, making the site alone had made me feel a lot better - doing something creative that I enjoyed. And then... pretty much every comment was kind and encouraging, telling me the site was great. It’s been a great experience for me and it has restored a lot of confidence in myself. For the first time in a long time I believe there is a bright future. And even though I am not fully well yet, I will do my best to get there.
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Wow that is a hell of a journey and it's incredible to hear how far down the rabbit hole you went and somehow was able to come back. I experienced a lot of those symptoms but a lot more spread out and a lot less severity.
Congrads on your journey and good luck in the future.
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Thanks for sharing your story. I'm walking down more or less the same route as you described above and it's really helpful to read about others' experiences. Gives a good chance to reflect your own situation.
All the best for you. Remember that outdoors and exercise often do miracles for your head.
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Almost the exact same thing happened to me, minus the suicidal thoughts. I would never kill myself. It is tragi-comical, a few times in the depths of depression I thought "If only I was suicidal, I could end this misery or get real help." There were times when I would lie in my bed for days, in the dark, without eating, showering or doing anything - well, I would think dark self-reinforcing thoughts that drove me deeper down.
I was kinda lucky that some things forced me to go to a psychiatrist (though it would have been better if it happened a year or two earlier). The first one was pretty good. Talking with her helped set me into a forward motion, and the meds helped me too (though they made me stupid and foggy, but I needed the positive effects they provided). At a few points during this I was actually really happy and cheerful. She retired, and after a while I went to another one. This one was bad, but luckily, at this point I knew what I had to do, and he gave me some meds as well, which helped a bit.
The important thing is, when you feel down, to identify it and fight it, don't let it draw you down into the depths again. It won't be easy, but it's much easier than before, now that you probably know how to read the first signs. Do the small things that make you feel better - take care of yourself (take a shower, go for a walk - even if it's just to buy groceries), treat yourself to something (some food/snack or going somewhere), do something that you love. Avoid doing things that make you miserable. There will always be hard times, but that's normal, just gotta keep in mind that it will pass. Bad times come and go, if you remember that while you feel down, and fight it, it will be alright.
A bit later, one or two of my friends got depressed/anxious as well, and talking to them about it, helping them, and realizing that you're not the only one helps as well.
Good luck to us! 
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On February 12 2017 11:52 Sermokala wrote:
Wow that is a hell of a journey and it's incredible to hear how far down the rabbit hole you went and somehow was able to come back. I experienced a lot of those symptoms but a lot more spread out and a lot less severity.
Congrads on your journey and good luck in the future.
It's strange in a way. It feels like I have gotten better too fast, especially the past three days I've gotten so much kind words and feedback on my site that I feel happy. When I look myself in the mirror it's a guy I haven't seen in ages. Not taking anything for granted though, I realize getting fully well again is a journey that just begun.
On February 12 2017 16:37 Koivusto wrote:
Thanks for sharing your story. I'm walking down more or less the same route as you described above and it's really helpful to read about others' experiences. Gives a good chance to reflect your own situation.
All the best for you. Remember that outdoors and exercise often do miracles for your head.
Me and some guys from work used to run about 12km at lunch twice a week. Both the guys I ran with quit and got other jobs though just before I got my diagnosis. And I sort of stopped because I was so fatigued. Never really picked it up again afterwards, but I'm going to try once it get's a bit warmer - or at least when roads aren't covered in ice. Hope you get well soon.
On February 12 2017 18:27 quirinus wrote:Almost the exact same thing happened to me, minus the suicidal thoughts. I would never kill myself. It is tragi-comical, a few times in the depths of depression I thought "If only I was suicidal, I could end this misery or get real help." There were times when I would lie in my bed for days, in the dark, without eating, showering or doing anything - well, I would think dark self-reinforcing thoughts that drove me deeper down. I was kinda lucky that some things forced me to go to a psychiatrist (though it would have been better if it happened a year or two earlier). The first one was pretty good. Talking with her helped set me into a forward motion, and the meds helped me too (though they made me stupid and foggy, but I needed the positive effects they provided). At a few points during this I was actually really happy and cheerful. She retired, and after a while I went to another one. This one was bad, but luckily, at this point I knew what I had to do, and he gave me some meds as well, which helped a bit. The important thing is, when you feel down, to identify it and fight it, don't let it draw you down into the depths again. It won't be easy, but it's much easier than before, now that you probably know how to read the first signs. Do the small things that make you feel better - take care of yourself (take a shower, go for a walk - even if it's just to buy groceries), treat yourself to something (some food/snack or going somewhere), do something that you love. Avoid doing things that make you miserable. There will always be hard times, but that's normal, just gotta keep in mind that it will pass. Bad times come and go, if you remember that while you feel down, and fight it, it will be alright. A bit later, one or two of my friends got depressed/anxious as well, and talking to them about it, helping them, and realizing that you're not the only one helps as well. Good luck to us!
I've been terrified of death my entire life. It's been... I think one of the reasons it went so far is that the thought scared me so much. I had these thoughts that I had gotten the short straw and didn't want to stick around. But death, or rather the thought of not existing, scared me even more. But I felt so miserable. Subconsciously it almost felt as if I made things worse just to push me over the edge.
Can relate to pretty much everything you say. One of the things that actually made it worse for me was that the meds I got for my anxiety attacks pretty much just put me to sleep. So while I was lucky to be able to work from home, I still couldn't properly work most days because I had an attack, took a pill and fell asleep. Despite it being pretty mild stuff. Then after I stopped having to use those daily, being just on Sertralin, I sleep 12-14 hours most days.
Thanks for the advice and happy to hear you are better now.
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wow what a journey... Such things never happened and will never happen to me because I don't have up and downs. You can call that like super boring life or a very monotonous life.
I like to know what "social anxiety" means. Only to people you know or literally everyone? I have the anxiety to the first. I don't want to see/talk my friends or family members. I am not afraid to see unknown faces/people, I can go to clubs or events and everywhere, I just hope I don't see known faces.
I went into a forest (which I haven't visited it for ~15 years) at midnight alone, it felt so great and peaceful like I never felt before. No pocket lamp and whatever, just a simple walk and I noticed that the trace in the forest was deleted but I walked anyway.
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Just an incredible story man I hope you keep up the progress. Best wishes bud
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I have also found that the outlet to deal with anxiety is a creative one, like with your website. i used to get panic attacks pretty regularly as a teenager, and exposing myself to the stresses didnt necessarily help. (mostly social stuff, constant fear of rejection in personal and professional lives) what helped me so much was getting back into music and getting another cat. i have only had one attack in ten years since making these changes and going to counseling. i really do think that creative outlets are the solution to a lot of anxieties, especially for introverts. best of luck to you and your website. was nice to read this.
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I was going to respond 5 days ago, but I'm going through a bit of a tough mental spot myself at the moment. Anyway, your site looks quite good, difficult to fault. One thing though, that I would tweak: remove the link from the "Overwatch" button and put a tool-tip on it.
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On February 13 2017 13:18 c0sm0naut wrote:
I have also found that the outlet to deal with anxiety is a creative one, like with your website. i used to get panic attacks pretty regularly as a teenager, and exposing myself to the stresses didnt necessarily help. (mostly social stuff, constant fear of rejection in personal and professional lives) what helped me so much was getting back into music and getting another cat. i have only had one attack in ten years since making these changes and going to counseling. i really do think that creative outlets are the solution to a lot of anxieties, especially for introverts. best of luck to you and your website. was nice to read this.
It has definitely been the big changer for me doing something creative. Though, I had to reach a certain point of getting better before I could do it. I should also get a cat. I've been wanting a cat since I moved away from home ten years ago. The place I am renting now doesn't allow pets though  . Thanks for reading and for wishing me luck.
On February 16 2017 18:23 Korakys wrote:
I was going to respond 5 days ago, but I'm going through a bit of a tough mental spot myself at the moment. Anyway, your site looks quite good, difficult to fault. One thing though, that I would tweak: remove the link from the "Overwatch" button and put a tool-tip on it.
Thanks! I have removed Overwatch since until I am adding it. I wanted to show somehow that more games were to follow but in the end it probably did more harm than good. Hope you get through your tough time soon.
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EPT
