EPTThis means digging down into some painful memories.
The Girl/Age 10
I was 10 (maybe 11) when I fell in love with a girl. Normally people would look back on stuff like this and call it a crush, but not this one, not at all. I would sit in my room at night and cry, my parents just thought I was weird. I got totally rejected. She was called Rebecca, and I would think about her probably for about 12 hours every day.
This was when my long habit of strange music associations became prevalent. I still use music to remember emotions, and it still stirs very specific feelings in me. For some reason, this song became my "sad about Rebecca" song:
It still brings a tear to my eye listening to it now.
I was never good at actually expressing myself, especially when it came to serious stuff like this. I was totally paralyzed, and felt unable to go about my daily life. This lasted probably 2 years, and caused me to become extremely shy, especially around girls, something that lasted a very long time, and still exists in me to this day - I have to fight it every day.
The affair/the divorce/age 10-12
With this background of sadness about Rebecca came another serious problem. I never really thought about it that closely until now. When I was 10-11, A girl I barely knew at my school just came up to me out of nowhere one day and said:
"Did you know your dad's having an affair with my mum?"
All of her friends were giggling (as girls tend to) and I was pretty embarrassed at having absolutely no idea what she was on about.
The next bit is very fuzzy in memory, and i'm not exactly sure what did or didn't happen. Its entirely possible that I asked my Mum what this meant, setting into motion a huge series arguments, and leading to a horrible atmosphere around my house that lasted 2 years.
Shortly after I begin Secondary school (11-12) I ran away from home. I took my bike and made it 40 miles until going to sleep under a bus stop, where a copper found me. I actually had plans in my silly head to learn guitar and become a homeless busker. The most vivid memory I have from this experience is being in total awe at the stars.
These days, I play guitar and have a huge interest astrophysics.
Funny how things play out.
Anyway my parents got divorced shortly afterwards. Its hard from my position to see the long term effects of this period of my life, but I have no real good memories of it, and its a pretty significant part of a kids development, so working my way through it now i'm convinced that all this stuff had a part to play in making me who i am.
I guess i'm just kind of rambling now, and I know for sure that kids go through much worse stuff and turn out ok, but i think something about my natural inability to express my feelings properly and my natural shyness means that this affected me more than it would most kids.
I think that's about it for today.
Peace.
