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Canada2764 Posts
I. Midwinter
Cometh the shadows
Fencing in shallows
Moonlit sorrows
'Pushed to tormorrow's
Slow dance with sunshine
Never lasts, never fine
Breakup blues, new age Samsara
Leads to the broken keys of new eras
II. Midsummer
Last nights in first sights
Fireworks and bright lights
Love - it feels right
Midnight's a new height
Auspice, the flight of doves
Perfecting harmless, heartless loves
Leaves scarlet letters and false ambitions
Leave-twisted thoughts and just tradition
III. The Fall
Fall leaves
Still stay when the fall leaves
Littering the floor with hopeless romance
Like a dance with lonely devils
A flirt with the concepts, maybe it never settles
Either way, no point in more than a glance
Live life by the flame, one day we'll combust
I will show you pride in a handful of dust
IV. Of Spring
This city's either a daydream or a nightmare
Fake crowns, gold coins, empty thrones - it's all here
Worry about the next day or lose to reflection
Never try, or maybe lose to rejection
Said letting go was the first trial
As if you could ever leave the land of belial
Even if we could, bet heaven ain't that great
Because if it was, we'd all be aiming to be a saint
When I die, all I wanna do is dream
Find peace, may it all flow downstream
Busy aiming for another chance to play the game
Even though seasons change, it's all the same
V. Ascension
They call me the last breath
Words only understood by the deaf
The always-ending quest
Sometimes the only thing left
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Have fun with this one. I decided to just do what fit my style. As such, it's not nearly as interesting or as deep as the other one, in terms of format (although there's a few things - like Ascension - that people who look deeply will appreciate) - I went with almost purely standard. I wanted to spice things up more in terms of content, concept and in terms of line depth, so hopefully you can appreciate that.
As always, any criticism (as long as it's constructive) is absolutely appreciated, and I'd love to get some more. Thanks for reading, and have a great day.
 
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Why did you go with Winter, Summer, Autumn, Spring? Rather than have Spring after Winter...you already had spring planned as the 4th with "Busy aiming for another chance to play the game Even though seasons change, it's all the same"? or you just felt it fit better?
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Canada2764 Posts
On March 16 2015 06:09 paddyz wrote:
Why did you go with Winter, Summer, Autumn, Spring? Rather than have Spring after Winter...you already had spring planned as the 4th with "Busy aiming for another chance to play the game Even though seasons change, it's all the same"? or you just felt it fit better?
It fits better as a story, and the events taking place in that story aren't necessarily correct in terms of time anyway. Each season is meant to reflect a certain feeling, and as such they're in an order where the feelings fit and not really the seasons. It did bug me a bit, too, but I felt it worked slightly better like this than as Winter -> Spring -> Summer -> Autumn.
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I'm not sure what you think "Cometh" means, but it's just an archaic way of saying "comes". -th in archaic English = -s in modern English.
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Canada2764 Posts
On March 17 2015 03:28 qrs wrote:
I'm not sure what you think "Cometh" means, but it's just an archaic way of saying "comes". -th in archaic English = -s in modern English.
Exactly what you think it means! I don't see any issue with "Cometh the shadows" in that context. If you do, could you give a bit more detail?
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"Comes the shadows" is grammatically incorrect because "shadows" is plural while "comes" is singular. It's not just technically incorrect: to my ear, "comes the shadows" sounds like the sort of flagrant mistake that no native English speaker would make. "Cometh" is equivalent to "comes", so when I see someone using it that way, the connotation of bad grammar, poor command of the language he's using, and inauthenticity swamps the connotation of antiquity or whatever the writer's trying to evoke.
Don't take that too personally, please. It's the reaction I have to anyone misusing archaic suffixes, not a reaction to your writing in particular. Actually, I thought you had a lot of nice language in your poem overall.
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