EPTI have ever posted, with different nicks, but with little regularity.
Since TL always seemed a serious and intelligent community, full of respectful people of any social spectrum, I wanted to share a bit of my life with you, simply because I can not find anyone else to talk seriously about this.
I would summarize the most. This is a long story, but I will try to focus on the general details instead of the hundreds or thousands of anecdotes.
This problem is basically a relationship (Those who are bored by this tales, you can stop here). My girlfriend and I have been together for over six years. We are young, we know each other in depth and we shared most of our lives (including studies and work).
At first it seemed the ideal girl. We all look for something special in our gf, but what surprised me is that she was a normal person, when graduallythe girls around me became shallow, disrespectful, "stupid adult" people ... but she did not. She was someone shy, reserved, honest, and why not say, settled.
It all started on the right foot, for a year we got to know each other slowly and generally everything was happiness. He began to twist the second year, when for personal reasons, she fell into a depression. All this drama ended in a crossroads for me. I had to choose between her or our friends ... at the time I thought it was best to stick with her. Accompany her and give her the support she needed, instead of joining the side that she considered an enemy (FYI I kept respecting these people in the same way).
I stayed for approximately six months in this situation, with her completely out of control, repeating every day that she should take medication to keep going. At first I resisted. I have never believed that drugs were the solution. Eventually I decided that this decision was not mine, but it was her, so I chose to support it anyway.
He started the treatment when we were two and a half years, almost three. I didn't noticed improvement at all. All further worsened. The hatred grew and I was in the crossfire, defending his attitude (which was not at all defensible and I felt guilty most of the times) and trying not to cross paths with people she hated.
From this point, our relationship started to go wrong. We began to discuss more often. Rare was the week we had a huge discussion and left the relationship in stand-by for a day or two. In the end we forgave each other and went back to square one. So we were a year and a half, almost two. It was a season of ups and downs. I lost faith in her to heal and many times I thought I should leave her alone. At the end I felt personally drawn into a well. No one should be locked that way to drown. I can not let my younger years were ruined while caring for a person who otherwise did nothing but attack and blame all their problems in other people (90% of the times me). If the relationship was wrong, it was my fault. If I protected too much, I was pestering her. If left free, I did not care for her. If you said something opposing her, it hurt.
Eventually I managed to convince her that the drugs did not help. Nor worsened their situation, but I think medication was meaningless if there was no improvement. She stopped the medication, but our relationship never returned to normal. Again, she fell back into depression a few months later.
Learning for the first time, I decided it was best for her to take her own decision. He returned to medicate with a totally different treatment. And to my surprise, it worked.
She came to be happy again. In less than a month she was smiling. We discussed less. We started to do things together and have fun again. I came to be happy and stop worrying about our relationship 24/7.
But when the relationship was stabilized , we realized something. Nothing was the same. All discussions, tears, insults, lost days and evenings... we had not lost them in vain. We knew that at any moment everything would break down, and in recent months , it happened again...
We began to realize that we are two people, one to another. Nothing more. Everything has become repetitive. Neither of us wants to do anything. I can not speak for her, but speaking for myself I do not want to quit because I feel sorry for her.
I do not want to leave her alone with me thinking that she is still sick. I guess I'm a coward.
I think she is with me because he has nothing else. I may not be what she expects, or what she needs , but I'm the best for the moment. He fears the idea of sending me to hell and be alone.
I am not afraid to be alone. I'm afraid to feel guilty. To leave a person (with mental issues) on their own.
I'm (theorically) in the best years of my life. Years that I should use in meeting people, have fun, try different things, travel, and especially do what I please instead of worrying about my girl.
Now I am attached. I prefer to continue this relationship rather than sink it. And I think it's stupid. But I lack courage. I know she never will understand. I know she'll tell me that I'm leaving.
I have a feeling that I will continue with this for the rest of my life.
I'm a coward.
