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I really don't know how to start telling this. I just know it's gotten to a point where it's consuming alot of my regular day to day activities and I just cannot take it anymore. I only told my friends on skype or on starcraft at first (ppl who I don't know in real life) because of the embarrassment or whatever and just yesterday told my brother about it.
I don't think I can tell my parents this yet until I have a talk with my brother first because I don't think they even know what OCD is and they'll just try to yell at me and stop me from washing my hands which will just bother me even more because I do it to relieve the anxiety(ppl who have OCD know what I'm talking about). I know the act is irrational...I already washed my hands once but I have to do it again to relieve it.
When I was in university I did not know this was OCD and would just be super frustrated with myself asking "why are you doing this?" even though I knew what I was doing was irrational.
This dates actually further when I was a child and did not know this was OCD where I would have bags and bags of those carboard type paper bags full of stuff that were basically trash but would not want to throw any of it away and got really mad at my mom when she did throw them all away. Another was plastic bags. So say a walmart plastic bag. I would shake it to the right alot then to the left and then put it upside down and shake it again so that every little thing that was in that bag is going to come out even if it's a piece of dirt(weird I know). And sometimes I would do it again....I can't explain this part ..I just have to do it again to make my chest at ease and there is no magic number I just keep repeating until I'm totally relaxed which drives me crazy. I do this for 50 plastic bags if there are 50 of them before I throw them away or whatever. It is a complete waste of time but I guess back then I just told myself that I don't wanna lose anything.
Next crazy thing is one time when Gameboys was popular, I had a gameboy advanced and I don't remmeber why but i took it apart with screwdriver and there wre little screws and I think i had to leave so i quickly gathered all the parts into my pocket and left. Well what happened was I tried to put it back together later and found that I was missing one of the little screws and went back and literally serached the entire floor but couldn't find it. Then i searched every inch of my pockets even deep corners where the lint and stuff are and it still wasn't there. And ever since then, I would always check every pants pockets all the way around to see if there's anything in my pockets before laundary.
Alright this thing is already getting too long and I still have more that I can type about but I'll just do my best to be brief on the two that are most bothering me right now. The first is I'm worried that I might lose something whether I have somethiung in my pocket or not. So if I got a cell phone in my pocket I'm worried that it might fall out and I might lose it. Therefore everytime before leavingt the area I'm at I would have to throughly scan the area while trying to seem "normal" so ppl don't think I'm weird and sometimes I would leave until everyone's completely left the classroom then I would just stare and look around the area until I'm fully satisfied then leave. But that grew into something so bad because it led to me scanning everywhere. Anywhere I walk i would have to "circle" around and scan to see if i dropped anything or even places far away. Sometimes I would just stand and stare at the ground/rock/piece of paper or whatever piece of trash is on the ground for like an hour or more.
However once I'm home I didn't do this much because if i dropped my phone then i can serach the house and it will be there bvut if i drop it somewhere while im outside then someone could take it.
The second one that's bothering me is in my mind. And it transferred to my mind when I was trying hard to stop scanning every area that I walked in. But now I bsaically just consntatly repeat postive phrases,words, or sentences to counter the negative. Just over and over again. As soon as it's a bad thought(a thjoguht that i think is bad)my body reacts to it as if someone would react for a firealarm but i react that way to this bad thought. And this triggers through various things and it's finallhy gotten to the point where I'm making this post and telling others about it after many years of just keep it to myself. Basically I can't play sc,watch shows,browse internet, use toilet paper properly,can't drive properly,can't play guitar properly,can't sit and just listen to a sermon properly, the list goes on and on without it trigger the ocd then i would constnatly have to repeat the words,phrases, or setnences to drive the negative down.
I'm also constnatly washing my hands to stay clean...
TL.Net is always so helpful when ppl post problems and I know there's no certified doctors here to give me like a treatment online but the reason why I'm posting is hopefully people that does have OCD sees this blog and can tell me what they did to get treatment. Such as how they went about finding a good psychiatrist or even warnings if taking medications will just make this worse etc,etc, i would appreciate it alot.
Please anyone who has OCD out there, what did u do about this?, how would i go about getting help? (i never tried searching for a psychiatrist before and I almost don't go to the doctor). Also I live in America in the state of Texas, have no health insurance, I just graduated from college, don't have much money in the bank, still applying for jobs, have to pay back loans etc, and basically saying that I'm not the best right now in finances. Just wanted to let u guys know my situation. Honestly I don't think I can work in this situation either or I'll just get fired(can't even drive properly or do a simple thing such as watching a show..). I need to get this diagnosed first and tell them I have this disorder and hopefully they will understand.
Please someone who has OCD I don't want this to get any worse, I am wondering what u guys did to get treatment. Think I had a panic attack last week and I don't wanna just go insane and just yell and just go crazy and just roll around ...just want to control this. And yes I did alot of resreach on this on my own too and I been trying my best to get my mind off this but even just things i see triggters the ocd and I'm having trouble even browsing online if what im reading don't get my full attention and takes me away from my mind.
I really can't take this anymore..if i gotta spend money then i'll spend it, i just want to get this treated so i can live a normal life. Sorry for this long blog guys. There's still alot more i can type about so if there was something i didnt explain feel free to ask. Thanks.
 
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Don't make a post on TL about this.
Go see a doctor, community health nurse, a psychiatrist, some other medical professional, a social worker, really anything is better than posting on the internet about it.
But seriously, go fucking see someone. Why even bother typing this out, make a fucking appointment.
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On April 17 2014 06:30 Pierrot wrote:
Don't make a post on TL about this.
Go see a doctor, community health nurse, a psychiatrist, some other medical professional, a social worker, really anything is better than posting on the internet about it.
But seriously, go fucking see someone. Why even bother typing this out, make a fucking appointment.
Because he's clearly uncomfortable with the situation and already explained why it's easier for him to first vent to strangers on the internet. Shit's scary sometimes. Learn to have more tact when people are opening up.
Marine23, Pierrot's right in that you really should talk to a neurologist to discuss your options. I have Tourette's and OCD, and my life became a lot easier when I was given helpful tips from a trained professional (medication is also an option, although I would consider all of your doctor's alternatives first).
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On April 17 2014 06:30 Pierrot wrote:
Don't make a post on TL about this.
Go see a doctor, community health nurse, a psychiatrist, some other medical professional, a social worker, really anything is better than posting on the internet about it.
But seriously, go fucking see someone. Why even bother typing this out, make a fucking appointment.
I'm tight on finances right now. I'm still researching the internet for one. I've never tried searching for a psychiatrist before so this is still new to me. While researching I heard that i need to go in several times so I still need to get my finances straight before i do anything. So while still prepping i decided to make this thread in hopes that other ppl who had ocd could respond and share their experience in what they did. You don't have to tell me to see one, I already know I need to see one soon. That's not what this post was about though.
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Edit:
Upon second consideration, I'm not sure if what I originally wrote, applies to your specific situation...
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If you still go to university normally there is alwais a medical staff or psych staff there to help students for free
OCD can't be cure you have to learn to live with it.
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On April 17 2014 07:56 Darkren wrote:
If you still go to university normally there is alwais a medical staff or psych staff there to help students for free
OCD can't be cure you have to learn to live with it.
Ya i know..its just im not in university anymore.. T_T
Like I said I didnt know this was OCD till like last week i think? I thought i was just a super clean, super careful person but just a bit excessive sometimes. I only started researching this and found out what it was after the panic attack.
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On April 17 2014 06:50 MaRiNe23 wrote:Show nested quote +On April 17 2014 06:30 Pierrot wrote:
Don't make a post on TL about this.
Go see a doctor, community health nurse, a psychiatrist, some other medical professional, a social worker, really anything is better than posting on the internet about it.
But seriously, go fucking see someone. Why even bother typing this out, make a fucking appointment. I'm tight on finances right now. I'm still researching the internet for one. I've never tried searching for a psychiatrist before so this is still new to me. While researching I heard that i need to go in several times so I still need to get my finances straight before i do anything. So while still prepping i decided to make this thread in hopes that other ppl who had ocd could respond and share their experience in what they did. You don't have to tell me to see one, I already know I need to see one soon. That's not what this post was about though.
Sorry I sounded aggressive, my point is just that your health is *so* important, and is always a priority.
Also, I should have looked at what country you are from before posting. The concept of paying for healthcare and especially mental health treatment is so foreign to me that it doesn't even enter my mind as a possibility.
Take care of yourself.
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On April 17 2014 08:07 Pierrot wrote:Show nested quote +On April 17 2014 06:50 MaRiNe23 wrote:On April 17 2014 06:30 Pierrot wrote:
Don't make a post on TL about this.
Go see a doctor, community health nurse, a psychiatrist, some other medical professional, a social worker, really anything is better than posting on the internet about it.
But seriously, go fucking see someone. Why even bother typing this out, make a fucking appointment. I'm tight on finances right now. I'm still researching the internet for one. I've never tried searching for a psychiatrist before so this is still new to me. While researching I heard that i need to go in several times so I still need to get my finances straight before i do anything. So while still prepping i decided to make this thread in hopes that other ppl who had ocd could respond and share their experience in what they did. You don't have to tell me to see one, I already know I need to see one soon. That's not what this post was about though. Sorry I sounded aggressive, my point is just that your health is *so* important, and is always a priority. Also, I should have looked at what country you are from before posting. The concept of paying for healthcare and especially mental health treatment is so foreign to me that it doesn't even enter my mind as a possibility. Take care of yourself.
Ah, now that post makes so much more sense to me because I have a friend from canada and you guys are truely lucky. I think u guys pay like 15% in taxes to get the free healthcare right? Think that's what he told me but I heard u guys have long wait lines. But I would much rather wait in line then just "wait" all day for the day to be over so i can sleep and have peace in my mind.
Still got loans to pay, healthcare in america is unafforable(and my family is poor so it's even more unafforable for me), (dunno if u heard of obamacare which i think has something to do with that), our economy is falling, hard to find jobs in america...just all sorts of mess so right now I'm really trying to do my best and research the internet and talking to ppl(whether online or real)until i can kinda sort out my finances a bit while also hearing about others who had ocd and how they delt with it.
But i really do wanna be in canada at times like these.
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My heart goes out to you, that truly is an awful situation.
Because of the many health issues I have experienced over the years, both physical and mental, I would have bankrupted my family (and myself as well) several times over if my care was not covered.
I have known people with OCD and it is incredibly debilitating. I hope everything works out for you. <3
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Have you considered that there might be something else wrong with you instead of OCD? Obviously you are having problems but maybe the cause of them could be less permanent than what you are afraid off. Do you have insane stress or something of the sort? I think it's worth exploring if all this can be sourced back to another (hopefully solvable) problem in your life.
I can't imagine exactly what you are going through but I do know what it feels like when your brain fucking you over and you don't seem to have any control over it.. But I do believe that regardless of what is ailing you, you, as an awesome TLer can and will overcome. Best of luck.
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28077 Posts
B.I.G has a good point. Could be caused by depression, stress, many other things. This is why it's important to go see a professional on the matter. I wouldn't jump straight to OCD, since I had the same issue with constantly washing my hands (still do), but I came to realize it was because of other things I had going on in my head.
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Def see someone about it. Also I know I asked you this, but did something specific trigger the panic attack last week? Clearly you have been dealing with this for a while (or almost your whole life basically) but it seems like it got much worse recently or at least it got bad enough that you want to seek out help, post about it and talk to people about it. Maybe just extra random stress (looking for a job, not much money etc) has just made it feel alot worse?
Either way, keep us updated, its hard for me to relate to your situation but it sounds really rough. ...good luck Britnoob. ;D
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Bisutopia19142 Posts
On April 17 2014 10:41 TheEmulator wrote:
B.I.G has a good point. Could be caused by depression, stress, many other things. This is why it's important to go see a professional on the matter. I wouldn't jump straight to OCD, since I had the same issue with constantly washing my hands (still do), but I came to realize it was because of other things I had going on in my head.
I agree! I get OCD like mannerisms during times of stress. And when I was a kid I had to end everything in even numbers. I had to walk over cracks an even amount between each foot. I even only walked on dark tiles if a floor was checkered. Stupid shit like this comes back like second nature when my life is going in the wrong direction. I take them as signs to take care of myself and usually do.  you will be fine, hang in there.
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On April 17 2014 08:54 B.I.G. wrote:
Have you considered that there might be something else wrong with you instead of OCD? Obviously you are having problems but maybe the cause of them could be less permanent than what you are afraid off. Do you have insane stress or something of the sort? I think it's worth exploring if all this can be sourced back to another (hopefully solvable) problem in your life.
I can't imagine exactly what you are going through but I do know what it feels like when your brain fucking you over and you don't seem to have any control over it.. But I do believe that regardless of what is ailing you, you, as an awesome TLer can and will overcome. Best of luck.
Here's how my week went thus far (remember I'm unemployed so i stay home and do absolutely NOTHING):
Monday: Get up after sleeeeeeeeping in. Just pretty much research this ocd stuff, ate while watching a show (while fighting the ocd whenever it trigggered while eating or watching),then spend rest of day doing the same thing again which is researching or reading the ocd stuff on the internet<-----pretty much just summarized to eat + read stuff on the net after getting more than enough sleep a.k.a NOTHING.
Tuesday: SAME THING except for the addition of chatting with Luckyfool on skype and chatting with other friends. Chatting helps the ocd somewhat becuz while i read and engage in convo and type back I am not "thinking" so it helps my mind not think and if it does trigger i always have the option to just stop typing, say the positive crap over n over and relieve myself before chatting again. I can't do this in sc cuz i have to keep macroing building stuff..i cant just stop like i can when i chat. Also the reseraching the ocd has helped me cuz since i have this and want to find some way to get rid of it, it "interests" me so while im reading i have my attention on what im reading so once again helps me to forget my mind and just focus on the article. If the OCD is trigger then again, i can just stop anytime and do my ritual.
Tuesday tldr; basically same thing as monday except chatted with luckyfool and other friends
Wednesday: SAME THING LOL. Except this time addition of posting this looong blog on tl and church for about an hour.
My point is I really don't think I'm under any stress right now. I'm pretty much staying home all day not doing much. Actually I'm not doing anything right now except tryinjg my abolute best to keep my mind from triggering the ocd. So besides eating just doing whatever i can to fight this ocd or just rolling in bed just being driven crazy from this basically(i actually cried a bit yesterday cuz it just wont go way) I honestly think the ocd is causing me more stress. Rather than the other way around.
Pretty much I think the week I got the panic attack was the same thing...i wasn't doing much and while trying to fight the ocd it just became too much to control, i lost control, then this is when fear hit me that I wasn't able to control it so my heart started racing so fast at the negative <--is the best way i can describe how it went.
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Btw while typing all that up did help me realize something....i remember the ocd DID get worse when i was under stress. I posted here before about a roommate issue and that was when the worry that i was going to lose something skyrocketed. However, I'm not sure if that was the case right now ..you know what's going on for most of the day for me? I'm repeating stuff OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER in my head all day everyday...just imagine doing that ...no imagine that you HAVE to do that in order to stay sane...just repeat stuff over and over to baicaslly push down the bad that keeps trying to break out of a box. When I couldn't push it down..i got the panic attack.
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your parents dont have health insurance? The ACA extended coverage for everyone up to age 25 I think.
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TLADT24920 Posts
wow that sounds terrible. I can only partially relate to that because I've had times where I've sadly washed my hands for like 15 minutes or something ridiculous and I know how frustrating it was. Also, had that whole 'why am I washing for so long?" so I get you on that but I don't think it's OCD. Likely just other factors and my typical habit of just thinking a lot lol.
I think the best advice I can give is that you should go and see a doctor asap. It's only when you get diagnosed with it that he can recommend some medications for you. Usually, the meds are similar to the depression one: SSRIs but you need a prescription for them. I think trying to avoid the triggers like you've been doing is the best thing. I know this is hard to do but I think you should try to go for a walk, basically changing the environment just a bit as well. Maybe leave your phone at home and only take your keys. Try holding them in your hand so that you don't have to constantly think about losing them as well.
Also, just find stuff you're interested in and just read, read, read if the OCD is becoming that hard to control since as you said, you'll be putting your focus somewhere else. Once you get to the doctor and go through the assessment (make sure to give them the full story so you get the right diagnosis), I'm sure things will look up. Just hang in there! You'll be able to make it through!
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On April 17 2014 13:38 Bigtony wrote:
your parents dont have health insurance? The ACA extended coverage for everyone up to age 25 I think.
No. I'm from a poor family. I even got my college paid in full by financial aid. Most of my life I've only lived in apartment or a trailer(currently in trailer). Anyways this is actually a really crucial reason why I really need to research alot in choosing a good psychiatrist on the first try if i can. I can't like try this one out and be like "oh he isn't for me" then try another "oh nope not him either"...i dont have money to throw around like that if u know what i mean. I need to somehow find one that is good who i can just keep continueing to see.
And....I tried researching for psychiatrist in texas and there's just so many of them and i dont know who to pick or even what to do and i just ask my self so many questions and like honestly i don't know..i have zero experience with this and i really don't want to just pick one at random. I do want to see one but the last thing i wanna do is rush this and spend all the money and still be back at square one.
The not having health insurance does make this difficult because if I had it then I probabaly could go around and try out different ones. Time really isn't a concern for me since I'm unemplyed anyway + really wanna treat this so it could take all day..that don't really matter to me. For now I'm just gonna do my best to try to take my mind off of it and try to do something about it soon.
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Germany25649 Posts
Usually with psychiatrists (at least in germany, so take this with a grain of salt I guess) you do like 1-5 preliminary sessions where you just "get to know one another" a little. You talk about your problem and see if you 2 are "compatible" before you actually agree to start an actual therapy.
Without healthcare this is probably still gonna cost a reasonable amount of money (probably), but you aren't comitting to a full therapy right away.
You could ask around your friends/family/coworkers, maybe one of them knows a psychiatrist and could recommend him/her to you. It sounds stupid, but it personally helped me a lot. A friend of recommended one to me and that made the choice easier because it suddenly felt less random. Theres like 90000 psychiatrists, but you've heard good things about that one, so just pick that one! That's what I did at least
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EPT
