EPTAllow me to set the scene. The month is January. The time? 12:00 PM. Yesterday's dinner menu? Asian food.
It was set to be an ordinary day on campus. People were heading to class, talking with friends, lounging in the lounge. I could have been one of them. Everyone there at the student union seemed to be having a good time, as they usually are. Normally I'd walk past without a second thought on my way to class, but that day was different. A sharp pain in my stomach and the subsequent onset of a fart gave hint of just what kind of day it was. I was stupid enough to test the waters, to try and go for a silent release. I'd be outta here in a minute anyways, who would notice?
Unfortunately, as I'm sure everybody has experienced at one point or another, I quickly found out that that wasn't a fart. I stopped just short of soiling my pants and limped into the bathroom nearby. I knew then that I had just been in a shart attack!
A couple stalls were closed as I quickly passed by. Those inside had no idea of the dire trouble I was in. They were just your ordinary poopers. They closed off their doors to the outside world until they were finished with their business, and then went on their way. I looked past and saw the stall suited only for kings free though. As I rushed into the handicap stall and sat down, I noticed that the toilet hadn't been flushed and a mound of toilet paper was stuffed inside the bowl.
"Dammit! There's no time!" I thought, as I squatted down over the toilet and pulled down my pants. Immediately, all hell broke loose out of my ass and I started filling the toilet up to near overflow. I grabbed onto the hand-railing for some much-needed support and prayed that God would forgive me for whatever I did to deserve this.
I must have stood squatting over that toilet for a good 5 minutes before my legs failed me. I wiped off the toilet seat during some downtime and took a seat. It wasn't long before I sat down that it was time for round two. Hell broke forth once again and a wet diarrhea-like composition of shit started coming out of my ass like a long rope. I started getting light-headed, bending over and pushing for what I hoped might be the last time. But it never was.
If there was anybody left in that room before I finished, I don't remember. I imagine the smell would have driven a few of them away. A half-hour or so had passed before I had finally determined that it was reasonably safe to stand up and leave. It was hell, but I had to see my handiwork after that ordeal. I looked into the bowl and saw one of the most epic sights I have ever laid eyes upon.
My pile looked exactly like those piles of poop you see in cartoons, all clumped up and looking like shit. It stood directly on top of the mass of toilet paper that had been stuffed into the toilet beforehand in all its glory. Luckily the weight of the poop was not heavy enough for the toilet paper mound to fold under it's immense pressure. As I got out my phone to take a picture though, the inevitable happened. The sensors on the toilet activated and drew my essence into the abyss. How could I have been so foolish! I had completely forgotten about the automatic flushing sensors on the toilets here! You always stand up and admire your work when you finish, but I hadn't expected right then that I might want to take a picture. Imagine my shock when I transcend above the toilet seat and see my mass, floating atop the toilet paper like a castle in the sky. It could not have been more perfect, and yet, I wasted that opportunity.
That is my largest regret in life, and I relive it everyday, wishing I had done differently.
