Diablo 2 Lord Of Destruction Battle Report 1

Our journey begins outside the Rogue Encampment. Having chosen a barbarian for his superior muscular physique (much resembling my own), I was hoping he might be able to punch shit harder. Here you can see me knocking out a defenseless zombie.

WHAM!

Of course, Akara tells me that her cave is full of demons and shit that are gonna attack her camp, so now I gotta go clear that out for her. As I enter the cave, a bigfoot start attacking me! I decide he has no use for being my pet, so I quickly finish him off with some right jabs.

This is why there are no Bigfeet left. I killed them all!

As I make my way through the cave, massacring all who oppose me, I find the leader of this humble abode. Though tougher than the average zombie, Corpsefire was no match for my fists. As I rained down blows upon him, he slapped me and poisoned me. I bashed him upside the head for that, quickly dispatching of him and clearing his cave.


Who turned the lights on?

With the cave cleared and the encampment safe, I knew my next objective was Mrs. Blood Raven. I passed by a familiar face on the way to the cold plains.

Hi Flavie!

As I entered the cold plains though, I saw another familiar face, that of Bishibosh, everyone’s favorite Shaman. I stopped by to say hello, but he threw flames at me! I was not very happy at this lack of common courtesy, so I punched him in the face for it.

Magic resistant? Guess I’ll have to use MY FISTS!

I cried tears of sadness as I pummeled him. “We used to be such good friends,” I thought. “What happened?” I didn’t think about it until later, but it must have been his worshiping of the devil that changed him. In any case, I finished him off with one of my patented right jabs. I must have hit him so hard that he exploded somehow, leaving a large pool of blood and guts around his body. I cleaned off a rare leather armor he dropped and stored it in my inventory for safekeepings.

Maybe he wasn’t truly evil, he had 2 pairs of leather armor, one for me and one for him?

As I silently wept over my fallen friend Bishibosh, I continued running toward the graveyard. A bunch of hungry dead and skeletons embraced me with hugs as I entered.

Here you can see zombies and skeletons working together, peacefully.

The cemetery was a mess when I entered though. An army of the undead walked towards me at blazing-slow speeds. The time I took to dispatch them weaponless was, unfortunately, enough time for Mrs. Raven to raise another army bigger than the one I had just wiped out. I tried punching her, but she was exceedingly quick at dodging my attacks and slowing me down with her cold arrows.

Never before have I had so much trouble with Blood Raven.

Eventually, I managed to trap her in a corner and pummel her to death. With no army to hide behind, she quickly fell in 15 minutes.

That one zombie was coming up for a sneak-attack!


Upon return to the camp, I was hailed a hero for defeating the vile Blood Raven. Kaysha awarded me my very own slave-girl: Annor, whom, after numerous attempts at flirting with her, still refused to dance for me. Enraged, I took her out to the Stony Field, where she quickly died from Rakanishu and his band of carvers.

I’m sorry Annor!

After getting her killed so easily, I forgave her. I paid Kaysha 80 gold to revive her. Miraculously she appeared out of thin air right beside me! As I thanked Kaysha for her black magic of the devil, I thought that Annor might need some gear. Obviously, she needed some help starting out. I armed her with Bishibosh’s leather armor and a socketed hunting bow with nothing in it.


Those sockets are decorative.

It was time for revenge!
To be continued in part 2.