EPT...
An exchange I once had with a friend:
Friend: There’s always so much drama. I hate drama.
Me: I wouldn’t mind having some drama in my life actually.
Friend: Yeah, I guess some drama is fine, but I don’t want to care about it.
Me: But you need to care about it. That’s what makes it drama. If you don’t care, there is no drama.
...
There has been quite a bit of it in my family recently. Not that it has personally affected me too much, but soon it will impact my living situation. My grandmother remarked not long ago, “but you’re not even someone who cares.” Not as a criticism, but merely pointing out that I wouldn’t be terribly affected by these changes.
I would say I am naturally quite a sensitive person. As I kid I used to be praised for how considerate and thoughtful I was to others. However, as I grew up I was afflicted with extreme shyness. I was still a nice kid, but very quiet and withdrawn. People occasionally mistook my shyness as arrogance and snobbery. Somehow it got into my mind that being emotionally unreadable was a competitive advantage. It made sense in a way – I took in information from the behaviour of others, but gave nothing in return. I came out ahead. What I failed to factor in, however, was that there were considerable benefits in communicating my own personality to others.
I still have some of that embedded in my psyche, I suppose, but maybe for different reasons. I’ve accepted that I’m just not that emotional of a person. I pride myself in my rationality. And in the process, it seems, at least on the exterior, that I’ve stopped caring.
When you have stopped caring is when you become truly invincible. You have no weaknesses if nothing matters. A refusal to care means you are emotionally invested in nothing. Nothing upsets you, and nothing concerns you. An enemy cannot hurt you. Live or die, it’s all the same.
It sounds a bit similar to Buddhism now that I think about it. Not that I follow or know that much about it, but from what I’ve read on it, it has a similar flavour of nihilism. But my beliefs are strictly my own. It’s not that I’ve reached such a state of invincibility, or even trying to do so. But I do believe in the truth of that mantra.
Perhaps, as a sensitive person, I tried to stop caring to protect my own emotional well-being. I have limited the things I care about to a very narrow range. Anything outside of that is beyond my control, and there is no point stressing over it. The result is that I am not much affected by events and happenings outside of my defined scope.
But to live fully you need to care. Without caring you may not get hurt, but you will also not be able experience joy and happiness.
I wrote a piece on my uncle a while back, at http://www.teamliquid.net/blogs/viewblog.php?topic_id=116391
Here is another take on his story.
My uncle (W) came to Canada by himself from Hong Kong after high school. He worked hard, learned the new language and culture, finished high school in Canada, went through college, worked at a job he disliked, and saved enough to buy a house. His “duty” was to get everything prepared for the immigration of the rest of his family to Canada. My dad and the rest of his siblings eventually joined him, followed finally by their parents.
The house he bought was the home to his entire family. Later on, my father married and moved out. At that point my aunt had moved back to Hong Kong but bought a rental property in Canada. My grandparents were living with my uncle (W). W did not get along with the rest of his family too well, and had frequent confrontations with his parents. One day an argument went over the thinly stretched line. W went to bed, and the next morning, he was alone. His parents had moved out overnight. His younger brother (A) had moved into my aunt’s now-vacant rental property along with his parents.
This must have been when W began to stop caring. His whole life to that point, he worked to build up a life for his family in Canada. He immigrated to a foreign land and endured great hardships to establish a foundation for his siblings and parents. His sacrifice was repaid with an empty house and damaged relationships. He never married and had no kids. What the hell did he have left? I still don’t know to this day. I feel his pain, perhaps more than anyone else. My dad calls W’s story tragic. Coming from him, who rarely ever uses that term, that means a lot.
Now back to present day, my younger uncle (A) is now the one to have serious arguments with his father, now in his 90s. It got to the point where A is kicking my elderly dependent grandfather out. A’s life definitely has more drama than he would like. In the midst of a nasty separation support lawsuit with a common law spouse, A married another woman he met just shortly, many years his junior. Now, he has divorced that wife and married a new (third) one. This current one has created problems in their household, leading to arguments between A and my grandfather. When A finally resorted to kicking him out, my grandfather was absolutely shocked and no doubt hurt in a way I could not understand.
As the rest of my relatives discussed how to deal with this (my grandfather had 5 children), the possibility of moving him in again with W was brought up. W refused; the reason cited was the poor condition of his house. A weak reason, but my father decided not to pursue it any further as he feels that W has done his share of the work looking after his parents already and doesn’t want further hassle. W, after all, is himself nearly 65, and didn’t want the burden.
So now, my grandfather is moving in with my family. Not the most convenient arrangement, but that’s life.
I’ll end this with a relevant Yugioh abridged clip. I thought of it as I was writing this up. It actually took some effort to locate as I didn’t know which episode the line was from, but I remembered I liked it.
I really hope they can work out their relationships with each other. Good luck to them and you!
