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This story has so much history to it. I mean, I feel as though there are answers which can be short but they might not be helpful. I'll try and explain this in detail but, well, who knows. It's coming from the heart and boy is that ever messy.
About 5 years ago--I was 21--my parents were going through a nasty divorce. My dad cheated on my mom and, still unbeknownst to him, I was the one to tell her that he was. I believe in being honest and upfront about stuff. If he wanted to fuck around. Okay, that's fine, but don't do it behind her back and make her feel miserable. It's not fair(it also didn't help he was drinking so much).
I was depressed. I felt alienated from my friends and didn't much want to get into my schoolwork at the time. I still lived at home because the local University was of a high enough quality to justify staying. It was hard then. I needed to get out of the house, so I started doing some online dating. It was way, way easier than trying to meet someone in person. I had time to compose myself, make sure I knew what I was doing. I'm a bit of an introvert, so it fit nicely.
I put an ad on Craigslist looking for a date. Lots of spam. About two weeks after I placed the ad, if memory serves, I get a nice response from a girl. Let's call her H. She's cute, smart and wants to meet up. What more can I say? We go and see a movie, grab some food and it's fun. She laughed, I laughed. Fun stuff. For whatever reason we never went on a second date after that. Not sure why. H ends up being in a class I have that fall at the school and we never talk. Sure, we see each other around campus or whatever but it never goes anywhere. Hi. Bye.
Three years after that. I'm working at the University doing some TA work. I'll be going to grad school in a few months. Life is good. But I'm so lonely. So unbelievably lonely. All my good friends had moved on, and working at the University was fun but it didn't let me connect with people my age. None at all. I was horny as hell and thought, well, I'm leaving so I shouldn't get involved with anyone. So, you guessed it, I put an ad up on Craislist looking for a fuck. But, I wanted someone smart. You know, someone I could respect. It was pretty long winded and meandered about. No responses. Not a one. Until...well, you know.
H responded. I knew it was her but she didn't know it was me. We talked a bit online and she figured it out pretty quick. We met, fucked and, well, we really hit if off. I mean *really* hit it off. We were so compatible about everything. Same politics, religion, shows, fun. And the sex. Guys, all I can say is it was amazing. Perfect body, perfect eyes, perfect laugh. Just perfect everything. She loved it. I loved it. We loved each other in every way possible. It felt like a match made in heaven, and I don't believe in it. What are the odds we'd meet twice? Like, really, what are the odds? So low. She was the only person to reply to either of those ads and, well, she showed me she only replied to this ads over the years. What are the odds?
We have a great relationship. We celebrate important dates, do fun stuff, make plans for moving in. But for that we need better jobs, so we start working more hours and can spend less time together. Not like we never see each other, but we're both introverts so it's about 2-3 nights a week we do stuff. We talk on the phone most every night and continue to make plans. There's a sense that it's not as much fun as it used to, but we have so much fun together when we really make a night of it. We hold ourselves back a fair amount, but when those nights are there we painted it red. We had such a nice time.
I proposed to her. She said yes.
A month later I had a terrible day at work. An awful day. We hadn't moved in yet--it's been about two years now we've been together--because of her parents and she couldn't save money. I was tired of going home without her. She had recently spent a whole week with me and it was amazing. I knew I wanted her with me. I called her up and she said she couldn't move in(despite all the time she had wanted to). Parents, money. I got angry. I hung up. I overreacted, I knew it. But it had been a terrible day and, well, maybe I could be forgiven. The next day she didn't pick up her phone. I saw H online but she was ignoring my calls. I got worried. I called too many times, texted too much. I know this. A day after that, we met and had sex. Amazing sex. The best sex I've ever had.
She wanted us to be able to see other people. She had mentioned in the last month or so I could have sex with any (wo)men I wanted to. The only thing I never wanted her to do was have sex with another guy. The idea made me so angry. I'm sure most guys can understand. I didn't want that. She didn't want to talk on the phone every night. She wanted to see other guys and have sex with them. But she still loved me.
A week goes by. We don't really talk. Texts are one word. I go over. We cuddle. I mention what are we doing next week. She jokes about killing herself. And then leans over and says she wants to break up. What can I say? She still wants to be friends. She says she loves me and I leave.
I call two weeks later. Had her mind changed? She was so happy to hear from me. I had been thinking about going away, moving to some other state or whatever. I wanted to know if she was interested. You know, so we could try something different. A change of scenery would be good. She didn't want that. But she was happy to hear from me. We had a fight. It didn't end well.
Three weeks after that, I had just rehomed one of my pets. I was trying to get everything in line for moving. I was so angry. Seething with anger. Here I was boxing up and selling my life because she had fucked me over. I called. No answer. A few hours later we spoke on the phone. It began as a fight, but we were so happy to hear from the other. 5 hour phone conversation later, we had agreed for a date the next day. We had lunch, went shopping and saw a movie. At the end I asked her what this all was. H said, "I don't know." I called later that night to see if we could hang out. She was drunk. She said she had given me the wrong impression today. I told her to go fuck herself.
That was 7 months ago. I'm now in a new city. Trying to get my life on track. I felt so lonely though. I drove here by myself and the whole time I wished H was with me. There was some other girl I had been seeing who wanted my dick real bad, and so she could stand in, but I wanted H more. But I held fast. No calls. No texts. I drove across the entire country by myself. So lonely and introspective by yourself. Nights alone in a hotel room will do that.
I caved yesterday. I called her. I don't know why. I just wanted to talk. I had no script set in my mind. But, you know, the first thing I heard when she picked up was that voice I loved. I still loved her. Fuck me right? We talked for a little bit. She was dating some guy. She didn't like him. Sounded like a real douche. I offered her to come out and live with me. She was hesitant at first, but as the conversation went on she agreed she would come out in a month. Gotta get time off of work. It was a 5 hour phone conversation. She missed me. She loved me. I missed her. I love her. And, honestly, at this point I don't care about the sex. I fucked like 5 women during those months. I'm a great lay, apparently. She's cool with that. And hearing she was with other guys didn't bother me. What bothered me was that her and I weren't together. I could care less about her having sex with another guy. I missed the conversations, the cuddling. She did too. I mean, it helps that I rocked her world and she said she missed that too. Ego boost and all.
So here I am. We're going to talk again on Thursday. She'll know about getting time off then. I miss her like crazy. I could date. I could meet other people. But fuck, I miss her. And she wants to move in now.
I don't know what do. I can't stress enough that the way we met, our relationship as a whole and everything just make it so strong. Am I being naive? Despite us telling each other off, we picked up so easily together. I know she meant what she said too. She wants a change. She misses me. Am I making a bad decision? I feel like this is the right decision but it also feels like I have to get hurt going down this road.
tldr; Secretly a girl blog. That said, it is a bit of an existential crisis.
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Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
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That bad huh? I don't know if I'm really that far down the rabbit hole or what at this point. I mean, I am in a new city. Our relationship had problems because she didn't want to move in and I had problems with multiple partners. We've come to the conclusion that both weren't real problems.
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You've already contacted her and she's already agreed to come visit you - I think it's a bit late questioning whether you're making a bad decision or not. Roll with it - if it gets shitty again, learn your lesson and don't try a third attempt. If it's actually somehow good this time then you'll be glad you made the right decision.
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For whatever reason I had never thought of it like that. Hm. I feel happy knowing she'll be out here soon. It's weird having opinions change. I never thought I'd be having a conversation like that with her.
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On October 16 2013 15:28 maggle wrote:
You've already contacted her and she's already agreed to come visit you - I think it's a bit late questioning whether you're making a bad decision or not. Roll with it - if it gets shitty again, learn your lesson and don't try a third attempt. If it's actually somehow good this time then you'll be glad you made the right decision.
Yea hes got a point hopefully its different. I wish you the best of luck with her!
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I will make sure to provide updates as it progresses(or regresses). I've dated and fucked quite a few women but she's the only one I've ever thought, "I should get her flowers just because." It's a crazy world.
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Your H girl seems to have a fucked-up understanding what love is. Physical attraction and having fun together without good degree of of devotion and loyalty is not exactly something that constitutes a relationship with any prospects for the future.
Whatever happens next, know this: you cannot really be a healthy couple if you don't treat each other on equal terms. If your self-respect and that sinking feeling of helpless love won't balance out, you will always end either as caving-in, clingy guy (which seems most likely, as you portrayed yourself as the one who cares more) or emotionally abusive ass.
On the other hand, even if you are making a mistake, I guess you will know soon. Oh, and happy endings sometimes do happen. After all, TL had even one blog about a guy who split up with his girl like twice or thrice only to finally find her overseas and marry her in the end. So I guess just don't make assumptions and show her that you care! Good luck.
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you want more than what she wants out of the relationship
the sooner you figure this out, the less you'll get hurt, and the better off you'll be
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Girl in her early 20s. gg.
On a slightly more serious note, you are basically gambling. I was in a relationship sort of like this, only we had moved in together before the melt down. We were both young. She wanted to experience more, etc. Had we been older, it might have worked out, who knows? But it sounds like you're both still young. This could go either way. You could end up staying together; working through the tough times, getting older. Or it could explode in your face even worse than it has before.
The odds are against you, though.
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On October 17 2013 05:32 wingpawn wrote:
Your H girl seems to have a fucked-up understanding what love is. Physical attraction and having fun together without good degree of of devotion and loyalty is not exactly something that constitutes a relationship with any prospects for the future.
Whatever happens next, know this: you cannot really be a healthy couple if you don't treat each other on equal terms. If your self-respect and that sinking feeling of helpless love won't balance out, you will always end either as caving-in, clingy guy (which seems most likely, as you portrayed yourself as the one who cares more) or emotionally abusive ass.
On the other hand, even if you are making a mistake, I guess you will know soon. Oh, and happy endings sometimes do happen. After all, TL had even one blog about a guy who split up with his girl like twice or thrice only to finally find her overseas and marry her in the end. So I guess just don't make assumptions and show her that you care! Good luck.
The cards are already on the table with her and I about this. I do probably care on the surface about us getting back together, but there's a reason she wants to come with me. It's tricky. To be honest, I don't feel like this will work out and it will blwo up in my face. However, I love her enough--still, always--that I'm giving it a shot. Tomorrow is the big night. She texted me today and said she was looking forward to us talking again. It feels like a good sign, but love is anything but easy at this point.
But, yes, I will add that early 20's are a "gg" moment for most relationships. I guess I wouldn't be sticking my neck out if I didn't think there was something there. I think she learned a lesson by dating other guys too. I care for her, love her and fuck her like she wants. It's a difficult business.
Tomorrow night really feels like the key. Friends who know her and I personally say to give it a shot. She's the one with more to lose: she has a shitty job, new boyfriend. I'm in a new town, new job and better life. Worked out, look good and I notice women checking me out. The ball is in her court and, despite me calling her, she's the one playing from behind I think.
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On October 16 2013 15:04 tognix wrote:
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Isn't that just Einstein's definition of Insanity?
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On October 17 2013 09:09 Fumanchu wrote:Show nested quote +On October 16 2013 15:04 tognix wrote:
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Isn't that just Einstein's definition of Insanity?
It also isn't a useful one. Gotta love the BW advice to practice a single build order all day. I kid! :p
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Good luck man. Trying and failing is better than forever regretting that you didn't give it a go. That's just my opinion. Just don't waste too much time as soon as you know it's not going to work out.
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in my experience, girls in early and mid 20s are too crazy to get invested in a relationship with them.
Not only were my own relationships terrible, i observed how even the nicest of my female friends went really crazy.
I dont know whats up with that. Its better now with 27, but i still have to be careful that the girl isnt years younger and still in crazy phase oO
Also, you are like my sister, who breaks up and then gets together again with her retarded boyfriend.
Last time they had a flat together, but then he decided to live in a completely different state and my sister had to get a crappy new flat in a crappy city. And he took the dog and the furniture. But they are still together on weekends. Or something.
Please dont end like that.
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was she answering craiglist fuck ads the whole time?
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either FWB her or ditch her entirely. a relationship with her will not work ever. ofc this is a lot easier said than done but i hope in the end u do the right thing
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@ Oboeman
No. She says she wasn't and, even if you don't believe that it's pretty easy to tell she's nervous about stuff like that. Her and I meeting she tried to call off before we did it and she had known me prior. And, even if she had been, I don't really care. Guys are often weird about women and sex like that.
10-17-13 Update
After our conversation tonight I think I'm going to give it another go. She plans on getting her shit together on her end and moving in a month(or so). It was a very romantic conversation and we also had serious talks about what we both wanted. It helps having a history.
Am I making a mistake? A certain part says yes, but I think the break taught us(and her especially) a few things. She wanted to have sex with other guys and I'm okay with that. I can have sex with other women too(probably a threesome too). It's us being honest with our feelings and what we desire. It helps that I've got jobs lined up and Portland is a pretty awesome place. There's a sense that there's a problem in the back of my mind, but that same part of my mind tells me to stay in and never go out. I have learned to distrust it. I mean, I can *certainly* see why there's a good reason to be skeptical(I would be reading this story, you better believe it). At the same time, there's a chance this whole thing could work out. Those who know us personally are happy that we're giving it another go.
As always, updates will be added as it goes along. I feel optimistic. More than the other night for sure. We're talking again on Saturday.
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On October 17 2013 08:33 ChaosWielder wrote:Show nested quote +On October 17 2013 05:32 wingpawn wrote:
Your H girl seems to have a fucked-up understanding what love is. Physical attraction and having fun together without good degree of of devotion and loyalty is not exactly something that constitutes a relationship with any prospects for the future.
Whatever happens next, know this: you cannot really be a healthy couple if you don't treat each other on equal terms. If your self-respect and that sinking feeling of helpless love won't balance out, you will always end either as caving-in, clingy guy (which seems most likely, as you portrayed yourself as the one who cares more) or emotionally abusive ass.
On the other hand, even if you are making a mistake, I guess you will know soon. Oh, and happy endings sometimes do happen. After all, TL had even one blog about a guy who split up with his girl like twice or thrice only to finally find her overseas and marry her in the end. So I guess just don't make assumptions and show her that you care! Good luck. The cards are already on the table with her and I about this. I do probably care on the surface about us getting back together, but there's a reason she wants to come with me. It's tricky. To be honest, I don't feel like this will work out and it will blwo up in my face. However, I love her enough--still, always--that I'm giving it a shot. Tomorrow is the big night. She texted me today and said she was looking forward to us talking again. It feels like a good sign, but love is anything but easy at this point. But, yes, I will add that early 20's are a "gg" moment for most relationships. I guess I wouldn't be sticking my neck out if I didn't think there was something there. I think she learned a lesson by dating other guys too. I care for her, love her and fuck her like she wants. It's a difficult business. Tomorrow night really feels like the key. Friends who know her and I personally say to give it a shot. She's the one with more to lose: she has a shitty job, new boyfriend. I'm in a new town, new job and better life. Worked out, look good and I notice women checking me out. The ball is in her court and, despite me calling her, she's the one playing from behind I think.
She's got a new boyfriend but phoning you about moving into yours?
You have got to be absolutely mental to go down this route. Explosive fights? Decisions being made by extreme loneliness? All bad for going forward. She's not the one playing from behind - except for the fact she is metaphorically shafting you hard.
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If I hadn't moved I'd have a different girlfriend. The language is that we'd be dating/fucking, but they don't mean anything. There's a distinction. She's seeing someone because she might as well. I mean, hell, I did that about 5 times after the last couple of months. I "dated" a girl for a little bit and then we split up.
And loneliness for me isn't so bad. I mean, sure I'm a little bit--I think I'd be lonely anywhere--but I've already found an awesome gaming group and a bar right up my alley. Maybe for her? There are reasons to be suspicious, and your point *is* well taken, but I'm not too worried about that part of it.
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EPT
