EPTto which I can try to sum up:
(1) 14.85 months ago my girlfriend at the time "broke up" with me
(2) I work 40 hours a week at a job that I feel is generally unsatisfying but seems like a viable career choice, pays well, and is something that I feel I am somewhat skilled at doing to the extent that I generally feel "optimistic" about any future career decisions I make in knowing my ability to positively contribute.
(3) To "combat" the boredom of my job and to also feel like I am "actively" pursuing my "dreams" I am also currently enrolled as a graduate student
(4) I noticed several things about the girl that sat in front of me in my poetics class and felt that she was "interesting", also "attractive"
(5) I interacted several times with the girl that sat in front of me in my poetics class several times, but never in a way that most people would have classified as being "significant".
The main reason why I didn't post any "updates" in that thread is that I contracted a weird infection after a volunteering event where I worked with underprivileged grade-schoolers but had left it untreated thinking that it was a "regular flu" and suffered through my 3 hour poetics class, and at the end feeling, despite what was my plan following the advice of several posters here to "interact" with her for [a specific amount of time], not like talking to her. I sort of interacted with her in the final class, where I thought that she was expressing a sort of interest in interacting with me at the end of class via the timing of her packing up her things, to which I tried to reach the door quicker than usual, but didn't make enough distance for me to have not held open the door and not seemed discourteous, which lead in an even longer than before amount of time holding the door open, with which I also followed up her "thank you" with a "brisk walk" in a direction I had not previously gone in in an attempt to dissuade her from pursuing me/interacting with me.
I'm not sure the exact "chronology" of these next events because I have been very busy moving, being sick, my brother getting married, etc., that everything seems a little ambiguous.
I talked with this girl with whom I had a few shared interests. She seemed nice and probably "conventionally pretty", I think. In a conversation she expressed "outrage" towards me since I hadn't seen a specific television series. She said that I should "marathon the series" and that she had wanted to watch it again anyway, so gave me her number and told her to call her when I decided to do that so she could watch it with me. I haven't talked to her/didn't call her etc.
I texted my ex-girlfriend asking if it was "possible or convenient" to pay me back the money I had lent her for school, because "money seems useful". She didn't respond, bringing me to something like 11.8 months of her not saying anything to me/interacting with me, which seems good, for her, to "move on" with her life with her "new" boyfriend.
I clicked on old things that I had put onto youtube and followed the links and profiles of people who had commented and somehow found the tumblr of a girl that I had interacted with on an internet forum 5 years ago, and started reading her tumblr things and her twitter things and noticed that she had been on a podcast and was being described as like an "up and coming" stand-up comedian, I was 45 minutes into the podcast listening to her, and then thinking "what am I doing" in regards to having spent 45 minutes to a podcast because it had included a girl that I had interacted with on an internet message board 5 years ago.
I emailed the girl who sat in front of me in my poetics class and said something like "hi i sat behind you in your poetics class, im [name omitted], you seem really interesting/attractive, maybe we can meet up and drink coffee" to which she responded with something like "hi [name omitted], thank you for your email, i liked your email, it was nice, i dont usually get complimented like this, but i dont really think i can be in a relationship right now, i want to focus on my family and other things, i dont think that it would work, maybe we will see each other next fall in class".
I emailed a girl that I was friends with for a long time but we had stopped talking several years ago, not really wanting a response or even her reading it, just wanted to send her an email, also I was drinking. It was a long and probably mostly indecipherable email, and halfway through I clicked on my facebook and clicked several pictures that I was tagged in that my ex-girlfriend was also tagged in and clicked on her profile, to notice that she had gone on a vacation with her ex-boyfriend to some tropical place, and also several pictures of her seeming happy and doing things. I finished/sent the email to my friend who doesn't talk to me anymore and felt mostly "bad" and made a video of the corner that I have my dining table in, and saying "this is my apartment, thank you for watching this video" and uploaded it to youtube.
My ex-girlfriend's (best, or used to be) friend texted me the next day that she thought that I was "strange" but that she liked my video, and that she had tried to show [my ex girlfriend] some of my videos but that she couldn't watch them/finish watching them because they made her sad and that I "seemed really sad". One of my videos is a video of me eating a cheeseburger at a Wendy's in Utah. I told my ex girlfriend's friend that "it is ok to be sad" re: my own feelings and chose not to respond to anything that she said about my ex-girlfriend. Later in our conversation she asked me if I wanted a dog, because [my ex-girlfriends boyfriend]'s family has a dog that they keep outside all the time and he seems really sad and lonely and she said that she "didn't want him to die feeling sad and alone and unloved" so she thought that I should adopt it.
It is now the fall semester and the girl who sat in front of me in my poetics class isn't in any of my classes. I am pretty sure that she graduated. I feel mostly confused about how I should feel and what I should do.
These are the things that I feel like I could do:
(1) Email the girl who sat in front of me in my poetics class, and say something like "hi, you aren't in any of my classes," and something that would ask if she would like to meet up sometime on campus and drink coffee.
(2) Follow the girl that I had interacted with on an internet message board on twitter and attempt to interact with her via the internet, not in the sense of her being a "romantic prospect" but more because she seems interesting and it seems like something that I might want to do.
(3) Call/text/email the girl who gave me her number from before, I feel an aversion to this because I feel mostly like, in terms of romantic prospects, that I would like someone who, at one point or another, had dressed up in an a vaguely embarrassing way to attend a movie screening, someone who would, upon finding out that I hadn't watched some culturally relevant movie or television show, force me to watch it with them (although I am aware that this sort of thing did happen, but I feel a little bit like it should be done "more earnestly" because I had told the girl something similar to this), someone who was interested in or felt passionately about something that was vaguely embarrassing, also someone who had a collection of books that I had not yet read but would like to, someone who had a similar Netflix queue ie similar holes in "culturally relevant" movies/television shows so that we could watch them together without feeling that either of us was "judging" the other, and that I don't necessarily feel that interacting with this "conventionally pretty" really fits into this.
(4) Continue working on either advancing my career, finding a new job, or getting into an MFA program.
Thank you for reading this blog.
