What the fuck am I living for? - Page 3

On July 20 2013 15:07 Nub4ever wrote:
Forgive me for what I'm about to say, I'm a teenager I'm fucking angry but I'm also fucking tired of all this shit.

Note again: I've just finished writing, holy fuck it's long. I don't even know. I'm calmer now, and it feels good to have everything out somewhere. Here I go pressing post and putting this out on the internet forever. Perhaps this'll be an interesting development of character for me.

I can't fucking take it anymore, I don't know what the fuck is wrong with my mom. In the past she's always criticized me for my poor behavior, my incessant gaming and poor habits and lack of participation in family matters. That's okay but she doesn't stop. She continues, she swears at me just now she said she's raised me for nothing, and I'm fucking useless. She's said it all, I don't do well enough in school, I spend too many hours playing video games, I don't sleep enough, I leave my clothes on the floor in my room, I don't wash the dishes, I don't mow the lawn, I'm fat, I'm overweight, that's not even an end to it.

I'm sometimes a proud person, when it's something I know I'm good at I'm proud of that and I try to do it to the best of my ability, when I know I don't know what I'm doing or I'm in the presence of my superiors I try to sit back and listen, observe and learn. But the extent of which she curses me and swears at me has become too much to bear on now, four occasions. I've hit her. Morally that shouldn't happen should anyone have any love or respect for a person, in a calm situation they shouldn't ever do that. But I have, I can't feel any love for her, even when she's late coming home from work for whatever reason whether it be she went shopping without telling me or my dad or it's bad weather I don't even feel that worried. As if I'm not that scared if she doesn't come home. I should be, but I'm not even if I try to find it, I can't. And each time, after a fight breaks out, some point I break down, I cry I'm tired of it. I try to tell her what I feel what I really, truly honestly think is wrong.but she's barely every sympathetic. She tells it's something wrong with me, I should go see a psychologist, it's not her fault, it's something wrong with me. I'd try to explain to her so many concepts that appear so clear in my head but she understands none of them. I don't get why, for example she doesn't every understand that the danger and offense in swaring in the vast majority of modern day situations exists in the implied meaning, harmd degredatino or insult, not the mere usage of the word.

Every time up until tonight it's been just me and her my dad was out at work or something, he'd come home, she'd tell her everything and he'd get mad at me. We'd talk he'd listen and that would be the end of it, I'd think it'd be over, last ti

There are a million thoughts running through my head there are a million things I want to put down in this blog right now, I don't know which order it should be in but here I go, I'm sorry if it becomes confusing. My brain can't discern which part should come before the other.

Back to all the shit she's told me, since I was a little kid I've always been criticized for my grades, it's always been blamed on my love for gaming. Now, I do play alot I play maybe 3-5 hours on a regular school weekday and anywhere 6+ on weekends and holidays but I hate it when my parents blame it on that, my mom does it the most, cause I know it's not because of it. I've proven such. Obviously days where I'm out with friends or whatnot excepted. It's always been sort of my escape from reality, a bit of a blissful carefree world, even if I'm playing DotA and I get mad at people, it's all so temporary, so able to be walked away from. It wasn't always like this, when I was a little kid I just liked games, I liked playing with and meeting people older than me, there was so much to learn even in the context of a game and even then without, I could discuss the future, what they did, what worked and what didn't. But now it's also really become my escape from reality. I'm stressed, I think I'm stressed? I don't know as that would be something that's subjective to the conditions one is used to. I've told her that on occasion she just tells me that people should learn to deal with stress especially a younger person like me (I'm 16 btw).

Now to where it comes from, as I said, she always criticizes me and from the way I've been raised it's taught me always work for the future, be the best I can partially to show her I'm not worthless like they sometimes label me as. This school year I managed a 94% average throughout most of the year and that was with me still playing the roughly the same amount of video games, sometimes cutting a bit to finish my homework. The big change is I'm doing my work at home with some degree of time allocation as opposed to scrounging it together the period before and actually putting 2-3 hours usually to study for a test. I ended the year post exams with a 92, I wasn't happy how I did in them and how I started the year, I'm aiming for 95%+ next year. Not only that, I'm working ahead I'm heading into grade 11 I'm taking 3 grade 12 courses 2 of which are considered the heaviest course loads in my school aside from grade 12 ap calculus. The one that's not considered one of the heaviest is an AP course so with it comes the studying and preparation of the exam. I'm looking forward to it, that's how my attitude has developed. Whatever.

Now onto the other things, she claims i don't participate I don't do anything I just sit in the house playing games at my computer. I don't just play I do read I try to learn things on the PC. I read the news, I read up articles on absolutely arbitrary pieces of knowledge I find fascinating. Useful tidbits that have not only helped me in school but have proven interesting in discussions among my peers. But just this year, I've gotten myself a job, on my first application with the city no less. Sure it's as a lifeguard but there's that. This summer I've started working out, I'm jogging every day, I don't go very far as truthfully since I stopped competitive swimming I have been getting out of shape but I'm still going at it. She says I'm far, I'm definitely heavy, but I'm not as obese I don't think. I'm thinner than someone who's a good 4-5 inches taller than me yet I still manage to be heavier. I certainly am more muscled than your average teenager cause I did swim 6 hours a week averaging 2 hours a session and approximately 5-7 kilometers per training. It's certainly not the most but after doing such an amount of exercise for a year and similar loads for another 5 before and after I'm somewhat fit. (obviously not as fit as some of you tl'ers that work out and are absolutely amazing swimmers.)

Anyways, I'm calming down a bit now as I write this but I shall continue and spew all of my thoughts. My parents are immigrants, I'm the first generation born in Canada. They're very eastern in the habits, opinions and whatnot. It's all about school, not a thought about a social life, no concern about today besides my physical condition and health and it's all about tomorrow. On the other hand I've looked around at university applications and what they're looking for, I want to go to a good university, I dream of perhaps going to MIT, it's something work towards, even if I don't I'm likely to go to the likes of UofT or Waterloo which isn't poor either. But I've looked around I've tried to do my research and they don't just care about your marks, your SAT score. There's more, social involvement, accomplishments and just overall being able to relate with people. It's something that was hampered by my time swimming literally taking up all my time as 6 times a week I was only able to be driven 2 times out of those 6 and all the other times meant I'd go straight to practice after school and get home at about 8-9. So I try to balance what I do. I try to keep my marks up, and in the mean time revive my social life, experience being a teenager, to have the experience, the stories to tell. To date I haven't done any drugs of any kind. It's partially cause I do try to stay true to my parents who're deathly afraid of them and have told me ever since not to. I know some people who smoke weed, and whatnot they're cool. I can stay away from it, not give in the peer pressure and not be judged for it either. But here I am trying to balance these two scenarios as well as now working out and my job. I think it's giving me stress but I'm a teen and I feel it could just be my teen mind acting up and I'm no more stressed than anyone else in life so I try to hold it in to not deal with it, to not let it show, cause especially when I do I get backlash from my mom.

I've had slight bouts of depression. Certainly not serious, and again I have no comparison to gauge it by but it is a feeling of helplessness. Of melancholic lethargy, I have no interest in life, no interest in making it better and I just trudge on and let it continue as it all scrolls by. My rational mind tells me it'll get better, it always does right? Everyone's been through their teenage stage, all the adults in the world have survived it. But am I the same as everyone else? Does everyone else contemplate such feelings? I don't know, perhaps I never will. Anyways I went to the psychologist, I talked about it, it came to I'm usual maybe I'm taking on more than usual and I'm a little out going but whatever. She assigned me a social worker but we never got in touch I called him a few times, he wasn't there, he's called me back a few times, I wasn't there. He went on vacation, then I did. I've since returned and haven't called him back. I really should.

Anyways continuing on to tonight. I've been jogging and I still have only started somewhat recently and I'm rather sore, I jog for about 30-60 minutes each day, come home out of breath and really tired, go up shower. whatever. done. Just an hour ago my dad received a call that a family friend from Washington D.C got screwed out of a connecting flight in Toronto (where I live) and needs to be picked up. I'm sitting here at my computer talking with a friend about plans for going to a MTG pre-release, these things I try not to trouble my parents with, at most I ask them to pick me up if it goes a little later, mostly because the bus near my house stops running later at night. And she wants me, to go out with my dad to pick him up. Here, me still not entirely cooled off from my run 3 hours and a cold shower ago ( don't as me why, I generate alot of heat apparently, partially why I swam) in my pajamas to change and go out to pick up a bunch of adults that I haven't talked to since I was like 8. This is the second time recently, I'm older now I don't want to go meet my parents' friends. My parents are fairly old and I was born rather late so there's never anyone my age. The next youngest member of my generation is like what, 20? On the older end they're already married and having children. I have no interests in my parents going to meet other older asian people and discussing their old times while I perhaps sit there in some chinese restaurant quietly eating food and trying to entertain myself on whatever mobile device I bring for the next 1-2 hours.
So I refuse. She starts saying how useless I am, that I don't do anything and all I do is sit on my ass at my computer doing nothing all day every summer. Not taking into account that I volunteer'd over 150 hours last year and would've done more if I hadn't gotten a nasty infection that I'm not going to go into. And now that I'm jogging every day, going out meeting people and whatnot and going to be taking on a slew of replacement shifts as I couldn't get the shift I wanted cause they wanted to go on vacation. One that I couldn't quite refuse this time.

So from there, I get mad, really, really mad. More angry than I can even come close to playing and game of DotA or from anyone else. I get tired of being told this over and over every time. Last time it happened we had an agreement I wouldn't do anything physical towards her again, and she'd respect me verbally. She broke her end of the argument. I'm not the best of people, I wish I could be, I should've I should've let her just simmer in her own rage and thoughts of me being useless and just continued on my way. I had already made the decision I was not interested in meeting my parents' friends.

But of course being the 16 year old male I am, I get into a fight, my dad joins in breaks it up. This is where it gets almost a little scary for me to write. Looking back my rational mind, the one that told me in my short bouts of depression that things would get better had gone out the window. I was done with it, I didn't care if I had to leave, if they called the police and got me into a foster, or even if I did for that matter. I didn't care for my life or whatever else continues, it was always the future, always the big picture. Lacking the little things, the littlest things that always make life the greatest, that make it happy in the now, that make everything worth living for. I was thinking of suicide.

From there, I went grabbed my mom's sleeping pills I don't honestly know, on the verge of taking them. In the smallest corner of my mind there flashed the thought that even if I took it they might even end up pumping whatever out of my stomach in the ER or some shit. I didn't care. At that point my dad stopped me, not physically. But he actually told me, that he did care, he did respect me and he was proud of me. (Up until that point I had been yelling a whole lot about how they demand utmost respect form me to them but I never got any back (they could curse me out whenever, say I'm useless and I had to take it and I could no so much as say fuck, not even to them or even if I legitimately stubbed my toe or something without getting sat down for a discussion) He told me, how when my mom wanted to go to Europe on vacation and he didn't want to, after hearing my say this I quote "If I go on vacation I know I'm losing the $3500 that I would've earned, but if I choose to work, I would never know what I'm missing." that was what made him choose to go along with the vacation ( which by the way was a little mediocre due to the huge culture gap between me and my parents but overall wasn't bad, I went off on my own a few nights and it was quite enjoyable ) From there he continued to tell me, if I did this now, then he'd really think I've been raised for naught. Something my mom had been telling me because I didn't want to go with my dad, she said claiming so I could help navigate except we'd been to the airport so many times already it's nothing unusual.

I give up, I agree to wait til he comes back after sorting out whatever is happening with the family friends at the airport and we'll have a discussion at once he's home. This is the first time he's really been home to witness a fight between me and my mom. I'm wondering what my neighbors as the house is only semi-detached are thinking as there was plenty yelling and whatnot.

But it's here when you'd normally think everything is fine and over, is when the most painful part happens. Here is when I can hear it. My mom saying I'm wrong, I'm terrible, my behavior is unacceptable and that they have to discipline me. I haven't been whipped before or whatever nor do I intend to let that happen. My mom almost did once but whatever, it didn't really happen... It's in these situations at the end of every fight, when I want to honestly believe everything is sorted out, everything is okay, and we've all come to an understanding, each time I try to facilitate it, to foster such a happy ending. It's even come to last time I've given up on letting her understand the stress or whatever I'm dealing with and that I don't appreciate the pressure she puts on me beyond the pressure and motivation I put on my self, she doesn't understand. I tell her just to stop, not worry about it. I promise her I'll make my life worth it, she accepts that part. But it never works. Without fail, at the end of the each fight I can hear her. I can hear her saying I'm bad in some similar way in Chinese, and that I taught some sort of lesson one way or another.

And that's where my dad is always telling her to drop it. Especially tonight. My mom has always been an aggressive and not very agreeable person. It's not just from my view. She often bullies whoever it is in the household and is I feel far too proud of what she does. If it's a menial task that's done as it should, I don't think anyone should mention it, I don't. But even as little a thing as cooking dinner, every time she cooks she's always at least once talks about how good her cooking is, and whenever it's anyone else she nitpicks on the amount of salt they put. Nothing else, maybe some flavor occasionally or some use of spice but it's almost always the salt, almost as if just to find something to say.

Here I'm getting biased. But I don't know anymore I've come to accept that. Everyone's biased, Everyone has a biased view towards another person I feel. Whether it be set from initial first impression or if it's your family and you're placed in a situation to live with them for longer periods of time it's formed in that way, it's usually positive and that's why one listens, takes after and learns from their parents and often in the slightest way I feel grows up in their image often in terms of morals and manners. I don't know, my opinion of my mother is poor, and has been degrading for as long as I can remember. In my rage I hated everything, now that I'm calm, my dad although he may not be the most successful, which is something I work towards and want to be in the future, he's an amazing person. My mother however. I don't know if I can stand.

I'm tired of this though. I'm sure everyone's heard of the little things in life. I think I mentioned this earlier, I don't even remember. I don't think I've gotten an apology, a hug any sort of affection or compensation out of any of my parents but at the end of it it's always me doing it. I don't know, I've sometimes felt really in the need to have someone to really show their love towards me, whether it be real or fake, earned or given. So long as it's believable to my mind at that moment it's good enough. I've spent far too long living for the future, I want to live for today sometimes. My parents don't like that... I can understand it because they had hard times growing up in China and want me to be successful in the future, for that I can't blame them but I'm tired of it. I want to have my fun while I can.

I swear, my writing sometimes makes me feel like I'm telling an over dramatized story. I don't think I am. I'm consciously trying to keep this more accurate to the actual happening and less biasedfuckyoustarcraft towards my still I guess smoldering anger. If you've put up with my wall of likely poorly organized text, then thank you. I don't know why I turned to TL in a time like this, but perhaps it's the internet. And like everything digital, it's really something I can walk away from unlike, the house I live in.

I thought I was done writing but here I am adding more. As I think I've said earlier, I'm always living for the future, that's how my parents have raised me, I try to work around it I try to balance it with the more in the now feeling but that's where it really becomes a problem. My parents always want me working towards the future, the video games I'm playing now to find joy, and release is wasteful. But that's also what depresses me. I've sat around thinking. Isn't life... just you grow up, you learn to walk, talk, not shit your own pants. Go to school, kindergarten, elementary, middle then high. If you pull it off well, you go to university, if you do well there you graduate, get married settle down with a job, perhaps have kids, grow old live out your years looking back at what you've done, hopefully something to be proud of. Grow old, start losing your mind and likely eventually die in a nursing home of some sort. Thinking about the future eventually leads me to such a though, and living like that depresses me, how set in stone our lives are and really how little room we have to break free of that mold if one wants to make their family proud and be successful in life. I don't know, I need to get back in touch with my social worker. I'm definitely calling him tomorrow.

Again, whoever's read this thanks for reading. If you've so much as scrolled down through this monstrosity to this line, thank you as well. Perhaps not as much as those who read it but thanks nonetheless, it's still something.