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Forgive me for what I'm about to say, I'm a teenager I'm fucking angry but I'm also fucking tired of all this shit.
Note again: I've just finished writing, holy fuck it's long. I don't even know. I'm calmer now, and it feels good to have everything out somewhere. Here I go pressing post and putting this out on the internet forever. Perhaps this'll be an interesting development of character for me.
I can't fucking take it anymore, I don't know what the fuck is wrong with my mom. In the past she's always criticized me for my poor behavior, my incessant gaming and poor habits and lack of participation in family matters. That's okay but she doesn't stop. She continues, she swears at me just now she said she's raised me for nothing, and I'm fucking useless. She's said it all, I don't do well enough in school, I spend too many hours playing video games, I don't sleep enough, I leave my clothes on the floor in my room, I don't wash the dishes, I don't mow the lawn, I'm fat, I'm overweight, that's not even an end to it.
I'm sometimes a proud person, when it's something I know I'm good at I'm proud of that and I try to do it to the best of my ability, when I know I don't know what I'm doing or I'm in the presence of my superiors I try to sit back and listen, observe and learn. But the extent of which she curses me and swears at me has become too much to bear on now, four occasions. I've hit her. Morally that shouldn't happen should anyone have any love or respect for a person, in a calm situation they shouldn't ever do that. But I have, I can't feel any love for her, even when she's late coming home from work for whatever reason whether it be she went shopping without telling me or my dad or it's bad weather I don't even feel that worried. As if I'm not that scared if she doesn't come home. I should be, but I'm not even if I try to find it, I can't. And each time, after a fight breaks out, some point I break down, I cry I'm tired of it. I try to tell her what I feel what I really, truly honestly think is wrong.but she's barely every sympathetic. She tells it's something wrong with me, I should go see a psychologist, it's not her fault, it's something wrong with me. I'd try to explain to her so many concepts that appear so clear in my head but she understands none of them. I don't get why, for example she doesn't every understand that the danger and offense in swaring in the vast majority of modern day situations exists in the implied meaning, harmd degredatino or insult, not the mere usage of the word.
Every time up until tonight it's been just me and her my dad was out at work or something, he'd come home, she'd tell her everything and he'd get mad at me. We'd talk he'd listen and that would be the end of it, I'd think it'd be over, last ti
There are a million thoughts running through my head there are a million things I want to put down in this blog right now, I don't know which order it should be in but here I go, I'm sorry if it becomes confusing. My brain can't discern which part should come before the other.
Back to all the shit she's told me, since I was a little kid I've always been criticized for my grades, it's always been blamed on my love for gaming. Now, I do play alot I play maybe 3-5 hours on a regular school weekday and anywhere 6+ on weekends and holidays but I hate it when my parents blame it on that, my mom does it the most, cause I know it's not because of it. I've proven such. Obviously days where I'm out with friends or whatnot excepted. It's always been sort of my escape from reality, a bit of a blissful carefree world, even if I'm playing DotA and I get mad at people, it's all so temporary, so able to be walked away from. It wasn't always like this, when I was a little kid I just liked games, I liked playing with and meeting people older than me, there was so much to learn even in the context of a game and even then without, I could discuss the future, what they did, what worked and what didn't. But now it's also really become my escape from reality. I'm stressed, I think I'm stressed? I don't know as that would be something that's subjective to the conditions one is used to. I've told her that on occasion she just tells me that people should learn to deal with stress especially a younger person like me (I'm 16 btw).
Now to where it comes from, as I said, she always criticizes me and from the way I've been raised it's taught me always work for the future, be the best I can partially to show her I'm not worthless like they sometimes label me as. This school year I managed a 94% average throughout most of the year and that was with me still playing the roughly the same amount of video games, sometimes cutting a bit to finish my homework. The big change is I'm doing my work at home with some degree of time allocation as opposed to scrounging it together the period before and actually putting 2-3 hours usually to study for a test. I ended the year post exams with a 92, I wasn't happy how I did in them and how I started the year, I'm aiming for 95%+ next year. Not only that, I'm working ahead I'm heading into grade 11 I'm taking 3 grade 12 courses 2 of which are considered the heaviest course loads in my school aside from grade 12 ap calculus. The one that's not considered one of the heaviest is an AP course so with it comes the studying and preparation of the exam. I'm looking forward to it, that's how my attitude has developed. Whatever.
Now onto the other things, she claims i don't participate I don't do anything I just sit in the house playing games at my computer. I don't just play I do read I try to learn things on the PC. I read the news, I read up articles on absolutely arbitrary pieces of knowledge I find fascinating. Useful tidbits that have not only helped me in school but have proven interesting in discussions among my peers. But just this year, I've gotten myself a job, on my first application with the city no less. Sure it's as a lifeguard but there's that. This summer I've started working out, I'm jogging every day, I don't go very far as truthfully since I stopped competitive swimming I have been getting out of shape but I'm still going at it. She says I'm far, I'm definitely heavy, but I'm not as obese I don't think. I'm thinner than someone who's a good 4-5 inches taller than me yet I still manage to be heavier. I certainly am more muscled than your average teenager cause I did swim 6 hours a week averaging 2 hours a session and approximately 5-7 kilometers per training. It's certainly not the most but after doing such an amount of exercise for a year and similar loads for another 5 before and after I'm somewhat fit. (obviously not as fit as some of you tl'ers that work out and are absolutely amazing swimmers.)
Anyways, I'm calming down a bit now as I write this but I shall continue and spew all of my thoughts. My parents are immigrants, I'm the first generation born in Canada. They're very eastern in the habits, opinions and whatnot. It's all about school, not a thought about a social life, no concern about today besides my physical condition and health and it's all about tomorrow. On the other hand I've looked around at university applications and what they're looking for, I want to go to a good university, I dream of perhaps going to MIT, it's something work towards, even if I don't I'm likely to go to the likes of UofT or Waterloo which isn't poor either. But I've looked around I've tried to do my research and they don't just care about your marks, your SAT score. There's more, social involvement, accomplishments and just overall being able to relate with people. It's something that was hampered by my time swimming literally taking up all my time as 6 times a week I was only able to be driven 2 times out of those 6 and all the other times meant I'd go straight to practice after school and get home at about 8-9. So I try to balance what I do. I try to keep my marks up, and in the mean time revive my social life, experience being a teenager, to have the experience, the stories to tell. To date I haven't done any drugs of any kind. It's partially cause I do try to stay true to my parents who're deathly afraid of them and have told me ever since not to. I know some people who smoke weed, and whatnot they're cool. I can stay away from it, not give in the peer pressure and not be judged for it either. But here I am trying to balance these two scenarios as well as now working out and my job. I think it's giving me stress but I'm a teen and I feel it could just be my teen mind acting up and I'm no more stressed than anyone else in life so I try to hold it in to not deal with it, to not let it show, cause especially when I do I get backlash from my mom.
I've had slight bouts of depression. Certainly not serious, and again I have no comparison to gauge it by but it is a feeling of helplessness. Of melancholic lethargy, I have no interest in life, no interest in making it better and I just trudge on and let it continue as it all scrolls by. My rational mind tells me it'll get better, it always does right? Everyone's been through their teenage stage, all the adults in the world have survived it. But am I the same as everyone else? Does everyone else contemplate such feelings? I don't know, perhaps I never will. Anyways I went to the psychologist, I talked about it, it came to I'm usual maybe I'm taking on more than usual and I'm a little out going but whatever. She assigned me a social worker but we never got in touch I called him a few times, he wasn't there, he's called me back a few times, I wasn't there. He went on vacation, then I did. I've since returned and haven't called him back. I really should.
Anyways continuing on to tonight. I've been jogging and I still have only started somewhat recently and I'm rather sore, I jog for about 30-60 minutes each day, come home out of breath and really tired, go up shower. whatever. done. Just an hour ago my dad received a call that a family friend from Washington D.C got screwed out of a connecting flight in Toronto (where I live) and needs to be picked up. I'm sitting here at my computer talking with a friend about plans for going to a MTG pre-release, these things I try not to trouble my parents with, at most I ask them to pick me up if it goes a little later, mostly because the bus near my house stops running later at night. And she wants me, to go out with my dad to pick him up. Here, me still not entirely cooled off from my run 3 hours and a cold shower ago ( don't as me why, I generate alot of heat apparently, partially why I swam) in my pajamas to change and go out to pick up a bunch of adults that I haven't talked to since I was like 8. This is the second time recently, I'm older now I don't want to go meet my parents' friends. My parents are fairly old and I was born rather late so there's never anyone my age. The next youngest member of my generation is like what, 20? On the older end they're already married and having children. I have no interests in my parents going to meet other older asian people and discussing their old times while I perhaps sit there in some chinese restaurant quietly eating food and trying to entertain myself on whatever mobile device I bring for the next 1-2 hours.
So I refuse. She starts saying how useless I am, that I don't do anything and all I do is sit on my ass at my computer doing nothing all day every summer. Not taking into account that I volunteer'd over 150 hours last year and would've done more if I hadn't gotten a nasty infection that I'm not going to go into. And now that I'm jogging every day, going out meeting people and whatnot and going to be taking on a slew of replacement shifts as I couldn't get the shift I wanted cause they wanted to go on vacation. One that I couldn't quite refuse this time.
So from there, I get mad, really, really mad. More angry than I can even come close to playing and game of DotA or from anyone else. I get tired of being told this over and over every time. Last time it happened we had an agreement I wouldn't do anything physical towards her again, and she'd respect me verbally. She broke her end of the argument. I'm not the best of people, I wish I could be, I should've I should've let her just simmer in her own rage and thoughts of me being useless and just continued on my way. I had already made the decision I was not interested in meeting my parents' friends.
But of course being the 16 year old male I am, I get into a fight, my dad joins in breaks it up. This is where it gets almost a little scary for me to write. Looking back my rational mind, the one that told me in my short bouts of depression that things would get better had gone out the window. I was done with it, I didn't care if I had to leave, if they called the police and got me into a foster, or even if I did for that matter. I didn't care for my life or whatever else continues, it was always the future, always the big picture. Lacking the little things, the littlest things that always make life the greatest, that make it happy in the now, that make everything worth living for. I was thinking of suicide.
From there, I went grabbed my mom's sleeping pills I don't honestly know, on the verge of taking them. In the smallest corner of my mind there flashed the thought that even if I took it they might even end up pumping whatever out of my stomach in the ER or some shit. I didn't care. At that point my dad stopped me, not physically. But he actually told me, that he did care, he did respect me and he was proud of me. (Up until that point I had been yelling a whole lot about how they demand utmost respect form me to them but I never got any back (they could curse me out whenever, say I'm useless and I had to take it and I could no so much as say fuck, not even to them or even if I legitimately stubbed my toe or something without getting sat down for a discussion) He told me, how when my mom wanted to go to Europe on vacation and he didn't want to, after hearing my say this I quote "If I go on vacation I know I'm losing the $3500 that I would've earned, but if I choose to work, I would never know what I'm missing." that was what made him choose to go along with the vacation ( which by the way was a little mediocre due to the huge culture gap between me and my parents but overall wasn't bad, I went off on my own a few nights and it was quite enjoyable ) From there he continued to tell me, if I did this now, then he'd really think I've been raised for naught. Something my mom had been telling me because I didn't want to go with my dad, she said claiming so I could help navigate except we'd been to the airport so many times already it's nothing unusual.
I give up, I agree to wait til he comes back after sorting out whatever is happening with the family friends at the airport and we'll have a discussion at once he's home. This is the first time he's really been home to witness a fight between me and my mom. I'm wondering what my neighbors as the house is only semi-detached are thinking as there was plenty yelling and whatnot.
But it's here when you'd normally think everything is fine and over, is when the most painful part happens. Here is when I can hear it. My mom saying I'm wrong, I'm terrible, my behavior is unacceptable and that they have to discipline me. I haven't been whipped before or whatever nor do I intend to let that happen. My mom almost did once but whatever, it didn't really happen... It's in these situations at the end of every fight, when I want to honestly believe everything is sorted out, everything is okay, and we've all come to an understanding, each time I try to facilitate it, to foster such a happy ending. It's even come to last time I've given up on letting her understand the stress or whatever I'm dealing with and that I don't appreciate the pressure she puts on me beyond the pressure and motivation I put on my self, she doesn't understand. I tell her just to stop, not worry about it. I promise her I'll make my life worth it, she accepts that part. But it never works. Without fail, at the end of the each fight I can hear her. I can hear her saying I'm bad in some similar way in Chinese, and that I taught some sort of lesson one way or another.
And that's where my dad is always telling her to drop it. Especially tonight. My mom has always been an aggressive and not very agreeable person. It's not just from my view. She often bullies whoever it is in the household and is I feel far too proud of what she does. If it's a menial task that's done as it should, I don't think anyone should mention it, I don't. But even as little a thing as cooking dinner, every time she cooks she's always at least once talks about how good her cooking is, and whenever it's anyone else she nitpicks on the amount of salt they put. Nothing else, maybe some flavor occasionally or some use of spice but it's almost always the salt, almost as if just to find something to say.
Here I'm getting biased. But I don't know anymore I've come to accept that. Everyone's biased, Everyone has a biased view towards another person I feel. Whether it be set from initial first impression or if it's your family and you're placed in a situation to live with them for longer periods of time it's formed in that way, it's usually positive and that's why one listens, takes after and learns from their parents and often in the slightest way I feel grows up in their image often in terms of morals and manners. I don't know, my opinion of my mother is poor, and has been degrading for as long as I can remember. In my rage I hated everything, now that I'm calm, my dad although he may not be the most successful, which is something I work towards and want to be in the future, he's an amazing person. My mother however. I don't know if I can stand.
I'm tired of this though. I'm sure everyone's heard of the little things in life. I think I mentioned this earlier, I don't even remember. I don't think I've gotten an apology, a hug any sort of affection or compensation out of any of my parents but at the end of it it's always me doing it. I don't know, I've sometimes felt really in the need to have someone to really show their love towards me, whether it be real or fake, earned or given. So long as it's believable to my mind at that moment it's good enough. I've spent far too long living for the future, I want to live for today sometimes. My parents don't like that... I can understand it because they had hard times growing up in China and want me to be successful in the future, for that I can't blame them but I'm tired of it. I want to have my fun while I can.
I swear, my writing sometimes makes me feel like I'm telling an over dramatized story. I don't think I am. I'm consciously trying to keep this more accurate to the actual happening and less biased towards my still I guess smoldering anger. If you've put up with my wall of likely poorly organized text, then thank you. I don't know why I turned to TL in a time like this, but perhaps it's the internet. And like everything digital, it's really something I can walk away from unlike, the house I live in.
I thought I was done writing but here I am adding more. As I think I've said earlier, I'm always living for the future, that's how my parents have raised me, I try to work around it I try to balance it with the more in the now feeling but that's where it really becomes a problem. My parents always want me working towards the future, the video games I'm playing now to find joy, and release is wasteful. But that's also what depresses me. I've sat around thinking. Isn't life... just you grow up, you learn to walk, talk, not shit your own pants. Go to school, kindergarten, elementary, middle then high. If you pull it off well, you go to university, if you do well there you graduate, get married settle down with a job, perhaps have kids, grow old live out your years looking back at what you've done, hopefully something to be proud of. Grow old, start losing your mind and likely eventually die in a nursing home of some sort. Thinking about the future eventually leads me to such a though, and living like that depresses me, how set in stone our lives are and really how little room we have to break free of that mold if one wants to make their family proud and be successful in life. I don't know, I need to get back in touch with my social worker. I'm definitely calling him tomorrow.
Again, whoever's read this thanks for reading. If you've so much as scrolled down through this monstrosity to this line, thank you as well. Perhaps not as much as those who read it but thanks nonetheless, it's still something.
  
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I'm a teenager and I get angry too.
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>.> thanks. Felt good writing it and just getting it all out now I'm feeling a little silly putting a almost 4000 word wall of text up on the internet. Wooooo
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On July 20 2013 15:31 Nub4ever wrote:
>.> thanks. Felt good writing it and just getting it all out now I'm feeling a little silly putting a almost 4000 word wall of text up on the internet. Wooooo
It's good therapy 
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The mother bragging about herself sounds too biased, but I get an idea of what she's like. Piece of advice though, never hit your parents. You won't feel good at all afterwards. Rage can completely blind your judgement, and hating your mother is completely justified, but nothing good will come out of physically hitting her. You sound like you're doing well for yourself regardless of your mother.
It sounds like she means the best for you, but if this is how she'll raise her child, fuck her. No one deserves to fall under depression because of their own parents. You seem to be doing well for yourself though. Keep carrying on.
Also you know you're smart, you know what you're capable of. Your mother's words mean shit with accomplishments like yours. People would kill to have your brains. You know your mother words have no truth to them, so... believe you who believes yourself?
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Thanks. You're right I don't feel good about it, that's true but I'm still so conflicted about everything. I don't know, I keep telling myself it's a matter of waiting until university and eventually moving out. Something I'm looking forward to. So far, living with my parents obviously isn't working the greatest.
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Your mom must hate ponies.
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I'm similar to who you are - parents were from China and they emigrated over towards Australia, where I was born, they always put expectations on me etc. etc, and I strongly recall that no matter what I did, it always seemed like I could do better. (So, same Asian background, same Asian expectations, etc. etc.)
I'm nearly twenty now, and funnily enough, no matter what my parents told me, I managed to get into Medicine. Huh. That's a bit surprising.
Your parents DO NOT MAKE WHO YOU ARE. You alone decide who you are. I would be doing dentistry and probably popping a cap in my head in a couple of years time if I listened to my parents on what they wanted me to become. You're still in a prime stage where you can decide where you want to go in life. And judging by it, you're doing pretty well for yourself. Except maybe hitting your mum. I can understand why you did it, but I would recommend not doing it, simply because she's your mother, and even if you hate her and don't love her, she's always going to take care of you (just albeit in a way that you might not understand yet. I didn't understand until I was 18).
You decide what you want to be. Hold yourself up. Don't let your parents shape who you are, because honestly, you're not them, and you never will be them. But similarly, don't forget that your parents also did a shit load of things for you, just albeit in a way that may not seem "loving". But they did it because they do love you.
Your life isn't set in stone. It's not just about "growing up, getting a job" etc. You alone can choose what to do with your life. You can go and travel the world in your gap year, go get a job that involves you travelling around the world, or doing what you like (maybe gaming? FUCK PARENTS, PROGAMING #YOLOSWAGML420). Honestly, I was theoretically "banned" from playing games, but that didn't stop me because A) I loved it too much. If you love something a lot, don't let things get in the way of it. Umm, that's not saying blaze weed and shoot up all day... if you have a goal, aim for it.
Honestly, life is what you make it. Two years ago, life for me was shit. I was down with major bipolar, I lost a lot of friends, and was failing exams. One year ago, life was slightly better, but I had no idea what was in store. Now, I can honestly say I'm happy, and I'm glad I went through what I went through. Do the same. Live in the moment, have a goal sketched out, hold yourself accountable, and if YOU mess up, YOU own up to it. Similarly, you don't need the appraisal of others to know if you've done a good job. One example is Dota (someone says you fed, but really you didn't, you played your own game and it wasn't enough. Who cares what the other person thinks).
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Thats one big wall of text. Im going to be frank in my wordings, as i have no connection to this, ignore harsh wordings and replace with "mean" as appropriate
At times your mother sounded like the biggest cunt on this planet.
Then at others, you sounded like a spoilt little bitch.
Examples of that being how your mother just tells you your shit all the time without knowing fully what your up to and being unappreciative of your efforts / results at school and you refusing to go to the airport because "you dun wanna" and "you got more mad then in a game of dota" as if thats something special.
If you feel like your mother is going to shit on you like this for the remainder of your life / stay with her. Just walk away. Get out as soon as you can and dont look back, it will only effect you emotionally and mentally down the road. Its harsh to say "get away from your mother" but some people are just bad parents and this seems like one of those cases.
But is she truly this bad? Seems more of an exaggerated rant then truth. Maybe u jus mad u lost that doto game.
But yeah, the things you explained about your mother, she is uncomprimising, uncaring and a terrible person, always demanding more and never acknowledging anything or saying a kind word. Ive been around these sorts of people before. All thats going to happen is you will end up feeling worse and worse, get depressed / socially withdrawn and start suffering from anxiety, your enitre life will start suffering and it wont get better untill you remove the problem, which is your mother.
Good luck.
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That's... actually somewhat troubling. I don't know if it's connected in any way but I do actually realize I tend to be anxious and really, really awkwardly polite around the parents of my friends. I don't know if it's actually linked or it's just some of my social awkwardness showing through, I'm not one to say.
Looking back, I've had a discussion with my dad. I'm certainly at fault. But I really honestly don't think I'm the one entirely at fault. It was a bad call on my part to not go to the airport, I was talking with a friend about meeting up tomorrow. I should've gone. I'm lazy, I admit it.
I don't plan on staying home, I'm actually really looking forward to moving out and going to university and making for myself the life that I want. Regardless I can acknowledge now, what they've done for me, I can comprehend that they have. Fully understanding it, well perhaps not.
As for my mother, I don't even know anymore. I feel I can't make any sort of clear judgement anymore. Everything is biased regardless who it's coming from. I can suspect things, perhaps. She works at as a nurse at a nursing home, and without fail I often hear her talking about how everyone at her work is an asshole, how they're unreasonable and absolutely nuts with little remorse. I don't know, it happens so often and she doesn't give any of them any benefit of the doubt. But again, that's my biased interpretation.
As for spoiled little bitch... I guess you're right. Looking at what I've said... I need to go with other peoples ideas one hell of alot more..
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Living with my mum was extremely tough when I was 16. I wont go into details but your story struck a chord with me.
Firstly don't ever hit your mum, secondly, when I was 16 I really wasn't happy, again, I wont go into detail but i'm now 26 and 18-26 has been the best time of my life because I got out of there, I went to university in another city and ended up having a really good relationship with my mum.
It sounds like you need a change.
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I don't believe your mom is that bad, its just your perception. I remembered when I was a teenager, there were times I wanted to hit my mom too (I didn't) and it seems very silly now looking back. Sounds like your mom is frustrated because she feels you care more about your computer than you care about her. I'm gonna give you a little advice as I'm older. Stay the FUCK away from online games. Engage with your family, help around with house work, learn practical skills (I suggest programming since you like computers ), do well in school, play sports, get social. Those are the thing that help you grow, online games don't. Remember, when you are 60, you can still play online games, but you can't do any of the other things. At your age, the priority is to GROW, physically, mentally, intellectually, and socially. If you waste your youth away in online games, no matter how fun, you'll only regret later.
P.S: Speak from my personal experience. Now that I have job , and family, I enjoy video games more than I ever did because I don't have to worry about schoolwork, exams , or my parents complaining. I played a lot of video games when I was small, but when I got to high school, I became really interested in maths and spent a lot of time becoming good at it and it paid off. If I had kept playing video games like I did, I wouldn't have had my current job, and my wife would not have married me (because having no practical talent makes me a lot less attractive, not that my personality would change).
P.S: There is a teenager living in my house now, and he is sort of like you : play dota all day, doesn't engage in any activities, doesn't help around without being told, and many times I even have to go to his room and and tell him to go downstair to eat. It's fucking annoying. So try to see things from your moms perspective. The only reason I haven't kicked him out is because I enjoy kicking his ass in FiFa and he is also my wife's nephew.
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On July 20 2013 16:57 Nub4ever wrote:
That's... actually somewhat troubling. I don't know if it's connected in any way but I do actually realize I tend to be anxious and really, really awkwardly polite around the parents of my friends. I don't know if it's actually linked or it's just some of my social awkwardness showing through, I'm not one to say.
Looking back, I've had a discussion with my dad. I'm certainly at fault. But I really honestly don't think I'm the one entirely at fault. It was a bad call on my part to not go to the airport, I was talking with a friend about meeting up tomorrow. I should've gone. I'm lazy, I admit it.
I don't plan on staying home, I'm actually really looking forward to moving out and going to university and making for myself the life that I want. Regardless I can acknowledge now, what they've done for me, I can comprehend that they have. Fully understanding it, well perhaps not.
As for my mother, I don't even know anymore. I feel I can't make any sort of clear judgement anymore. Everything is biased regardless who it's coming from. I can suspect things, perhaps. She works at as a nurse at a nursing home, and without fail I often hear her talking about how everyone at her work is an asshole, how they're unreasonable and absolutely nuts with little remorse. I don't know, it happens so often and she doesn't give any of them any benefit of the doubt. But again, that's my biased interpretation.
As for spoiled little bitch... I guess you're right. Looking at what I've said... I need to go with other peoples ideas one hell of alot more..
Sound like your mother is working a hard job to support you. If anything, I don't think you appreciate your mom enough. If I work a hard job to see my son playing computer games part time like you do, I would be very frustrated too. Cut it down, like two gaming session per week, 2-3 hours per session. Help her with housework, show her dome love.
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Dude, Asian parents are the worst.
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To me it sounds like it IS your problem. You are too young to realize it, but you really should make some compromise for your parents and do what they tell you. The bit concerning picking up your dad's friend in particular stood out. You refused to pick up your parent's friends just because..................
Grow up
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If your ability to write and communicate is any indication, you're far from useless XD.
If everything else is a good indication, you're far, far from useless.
Perhaps take the time to refine these arguments down. Find supporting evidence as to your unworthlessness vis your position relative to other young men in various areas. percentiles are great things wielded in anger. My mother used to do the same until I beat her around the head with case reports putting me in like the 99.98th percentile in terms of competence in various areas and told her if she wanted to shoot the shit she should cite her sources and put it through peer review first.
Obviously, I think from your background that kind of singular disrespect for authority might have issues, but perhaps a more restrained protest as to the abuse. Say you are open to constructive criticism and discussion, but insults and accusations are both stressful and worthless. Say what is probably the truth- you love your parents, but you are hurt deeply when they behave themselves in this way because you feel it does not do them credit. In order to do this you may have to practice a kind of zenlike ability to shed your emotions under fire, because communicating this sort of thing clearly, calmly and politely with someone screaming at you is not easy. Still, it is powerful, effective and certainly worth learning.
I speak from personal experience, I've had to sit through getting whacked around the head calmly- both of us aware that I was fully capable of both stopping it and doing far worse back- without letting it get to me before. Though it doesn't really bring me any pleasure, the fact that I did I think still haunts my father to this day. It simply showed in absolute clarity who was more mature at that time. Later that day he apologized, I took it as it was offered and have never held it against him. He's never even raised his voice at me again.
The greatest lesson you can learn is to fight your battles from a point of calm- all the schools of martial arts and debate teach this. You say that you're a young man so fighting is inevitable, but childishness and raised voices is not. If someone interrupts or yells at you, wait, let them burn it out and then just continue on where you left off. Treat their inability to be reasonable with the gentle contempt it deserves. If you feel you're just acting as a tool for them to burn frustrations, well, there are worse things to do for a person who has spent many many more hours than you have cited working on your behalf for no wage or reward save your success. In the end, there are some things none of should have to deal with, but we must on behalf of others.
If your emotions rise, divert them, contain them temporarily. Then use them constructively. Determination to prove someone wrong is one of the more powerful ways I've accomplished significant things in my life.
This all said, other people are correct. It's important to stay true to what you feel is right and proper, but it's also important to resist in a correct manner. Infantile refusal to bestow respect when it is not forthcoming from another party is certainly going to get you nowhere. One of the most devastating ways of fighting prejudice and anger is to bestow unlimited formal respect, but no more. It is a duty to treat other people fairly and give them service due their position in regards to you. You do not, however, have to buy them presents, make conversation, compliment their cooking (beyond everyday formalities), ask their opinions or any other form of what you might say is 'true' respect.
Give what is owed to all freely, but if people want to have your personal and freely given respect- make them fucking well earn it, whoever they are, and if you think about it and you honestly think your mother's behaviour outweighs what she has done for you, tell her so. That also has proved quite effective for me, laying out what someone who has spent years helping me has done, just so they know I am recognizing their efforts, and then concluding by saying what you are doing now is outweighing all of that on the scales of respect. It's actually that bad. Think about that before doing it again.
Of course, sometimes when you do that you find that, on the whole, it doesn't outweigh everything else they've done for you and in that case, man up and apologize for your disrespect, while still making it clear that you are not comfortable with the behaviour in question.
If you are a person worthy of respect- and I think you can safely say you are- then don't give in to the temptation to get down on the level of the behaviour you dislike. If you preach by example and your example is worthy, others will follow- parents or no.
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I stoped reading after the first paragraph. Please clean up your language, or if you feel that you have to use profane language at least be creative about it. This just feels like a record hunt for most fucks written in a blog.
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Have to say some parents just take stuff out on their kids..
My mum was similar.. calling me my little bro and older sister useless.. fat.. ugly.. pathetic.. mistakes etc..(im pretty bad but my brothers average and sister is if anything on the fitter/thinner side) One time she just laid into me on a saturday.. saying she wished i was never born, i didnt deserve anything i had, i was literally just a burden in her world. i was so sad instead of wanting to shout or hit her i literally just broke down in tears - what can you actually do when the one person in the world supposed to look after you attacks you with everything they have... dad said she was on her period and that was the end of it.. somehow it was supposed to be ok.
To be quite honest i took her aside and swore to her if she ever made me feel that way again i would do whatever i had to physically or verbally to make sure she felt the same. At its core its bullying. Someone so pathetic and unfulfilled in their life that they take out the stress and unhappiness on the one person they know can't fight back. I've never hit her but genuinely if i had i would have been justified.. as much as they would never condone it - if you asked my mum and dad they would probably even admit it.
Its a f**king disgrace to be honest. Parents are supposed to care and look out for their kids.. but in reality they use and abuse them just as much. It varies in terms of severity but with a dad in construction (director now but has had in the past company liquidation, redundancy and then redundancy due to a buyout... 3x made jobless since 1999) and a mum as a nurse.. they had stressful jobs and periods in their lives.
My mums main method of dealing with anger is to work herself into a rage and lash out verbally at people around her.. Its pathetic and immature.. and has resulted in my brother and sister dealing with anger equally badly (sister goes into raging arguments over nothing... brother smashes walls and his own legs with controllers etc..). She is venomous literally saying whatever she can think of to hurt you the most.. then the next day some trivial crap in her friends group happens and she wants to talk about it?! Bit of a head case to be honest. Have suggested psychological help but she wont accept she has issues.. so as a result no doubt us kids are pretty messed up too :D
In reality.. its a tough place to be.. its not quite full on getting beaten (severely) or abused - in my eyes not worth risking moving out over... but mentally it damages people.. My sister suffered depression for a couple of years, my little brother dropped out of uni and with her basically insulting him every day he's not found it very easy getting the motivation to get his life sorted and into work. My friends look at the 5 bedroom house, how many holidays my parents go on and the fact i got given my first car (1.4 micra with HK53VAJ numberplate.. the cruelty right  ).. but probably dont understand some of the situations we endured growing up.
My advice is keep gaming.. it has a stigma but if you enjoy it and are as passionate as people are about football for example it'll keep you less stressed.. i quite like skype with a couple of mates so you can chat rubbish out loud without offending strangers
Obviously i cant pretend i know exactly what your situation is like, everyone is different and as you admitted we're all biased in these things. What i would say is in my opinion it will get easier and better. Im 22 now and i am patient and calm. I get angry like everyone else but for example in 4 years of drinking (most of the time to rediculous excess) i've never started a fight or punched somebody.. I dont rise to arguments.. I don't and never have bullied people (disclaimer: a Year 5 report said i wasnt always serious and could be mocking in interactions with others but this was an 11 year old learning sarcasm).
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Coming from a similar family background, what I can tell you is that there is almost no way you can make your mother proud.
My father is the same way, and every time I accomplish something, my parents are like "So?"
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I barely read any of that, but just know it gets better when you get to college.
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EPT
