|
Hi TL. I am new here and see that there are a lot of mature and nice people, especially here in the blogs. I would like to share with you my story, and hope that you could give me some advice on my situation?
I call this woman an ex-love because we were never in an official exclusive relationship, though we were involved for 3 years. We had a very intense connection, having very similar emotional temperaments and intellectual level. Early on, I expressed my desire to be in a relationship with her. She was not very clear but she indicated that she doesn't want our relationship to have a label, and we should just enjoy life as it happens. Being both smart and emotionally healthy, I stayed involved with her for years. However, feeling deeply hurt by her earlier rejection of me (among other things), there were topics I literally never discussed with her in the years we were involved. These topics included how we felt about each other and whether we were seeing other people. I was not seeing other people, and as far as I could tell, she did not either. But in all the years that we were "together", we did not even say "I love you" to each other.
Obviously, I was in love with this woman, deeply in love. I don’t know if she knew, since we never talked about it, but she’s not stupid. And of course I cannot report on how she felt about me, since we also never talked about it. Not that I am saying much to inspire confidence, but I am also not stupid, so I would venture that, as the years went by, her feelings for me increased. I might even venture a guess that he felt very strongly about me. At times. Maybe. I guess?
We stopped being involved gradually, mostly because I moved to another city to another university in my junior college. We missed each other very much and we would still often meet every weekend or so. I would sometime give her a surprise visit, and she would also do me. We saw other people but of course we never discussed it. Because of the loose nature of our relationship, and the distance, I became involved with another woman, this one entirely open about her love for me, so please don’t worry that I am still in the habit of being with people and never discussing our feelings.
I really love this new girl. and I am very happy about it. I have never felt so alive. We are open to each other, and are already making plans for the future, living together, getting married. It took ages but I can think about the ex-lover with affection and without pain. The only thing is, I can’t shake off the feeling that I should tell her I am involved with another woman. I want to tell her. We were close for many years, albeit ambiguously. But the untold nature of our feelings is making it hard for me to gauge how to say it to her. Even though we haven’t seen each other in almost half a year, it feels insensitive and awkward to just, you know, text her. For my part, I would want her to tell me if she was in a relationship as well. How I reacted would be my problem. So … what should I do (and with what words should I use if I told her)? Should I just let it be, and let it remain ambiguous for the rest of my life? What if she comes knocking on the door of my life?
 
|
Be honest. There's nothing else you can do. Also if your serious about this new girl don't see the ambiguous girl again.
|
So you found an affair and then your wife? I think you are set for the rest of your life.
On a more serious note:
I would want her to tell me if she was in a relationship as well. How I reacted would be my problem. So …
I think you are not over your ex at all.
having very similar emotional temperaments and intellectual level
This sounds like you mention it specificly because it is lacking with your new girl?
also:
ex-love
new girl
Honestly ask yourself, can you live without girl 1? can you live without girl 2? Just go for the one you can`t live without. Move if you have to, at the end of the day, all that matters is who you fell asleep next to.
Really, if it wasn`t your intention to come across super biased to your readers, you might try to tell yourself something?
|
You need closure.
Tell Miss Ambiguitiy what you need to tell her and move on.
I don't like manipulative people. For a lack of a better word, she's a player, you got played.
You were a lover nothing more. Sorry, truth hurts.
|
I think Haruhi is on to something. Once you have stopped seeing someone, I think you should minimise contact with that person. If you are with someone else now you can't be with them and so don't need stray thoughts about ex-gfs. Because they do complicate things!
Also why are you wanting to tell her about this? Why would you want to know if she found someone? This strongly suggests that you are thinking about the ex-gf. I suspect telling her will make you feel good, a bit of a gloat. We all have these feelings but I don't think it is right to act upon them.
If you have managed to stop loving the ex-gf and can think of her without pain then you have taken a good step. A little more time and you should be fine. So keep doing what you've been doing and things will continue to clear up.
|
We were close for many years, albeit ambiguously.
Were is really the key word in this sentence. Getting separated from a relationship, however vague, that's made you happy and created meaningfulness in your life always comes with a blow. Of course it's hard to stop thinking about it but I really think you should try to focus on the present and not act on your impulses to tell her. With some more time it will be easier to accept that the relationship you had is no more regardless of it being something positive or not and that you should let it go.
As I interpret it you feel a sort of obligation to tell your past love that you've found someone and that this would prevent any chance of resuming your "we're in a relationship but not really" thing you had going. But the "loose nature" of your relationship really frees you from any kind of obligation of this sort. Not defining the relationship as one confirms that it's a temporary one and now that you have one that is defined you're no longer bound by the temporary one and your only obligation is to yourself and your current love. Make the best of it and just move on, I don't think you will gain anything from telling your ex love about your current relationship, if she asks you to get together this weekend tell her you have a girlfriend now but otherwise let it be.
|
Thanks for the reply everyone. You are right, I need closure. I just don't want the vague feeling anymore. And I always want to tell here that there is no future, clear or ambiguous between us. I just want to do it in a proper way. We didn't even have a chance to say goodbye or something. The last time we met it was just like any other day for us. She came to my place. We spent the weekend together, watched movie, cooked, went out to the park, slept, just a normal day and then she had to go back and we resumed our weekday lives. There was no hint that it was gonna be our last.
I don't think she was playing me. I have thought long and hard about it. But she is a very nice person, maybe she just doesn't want a rigid relationship, or she was not ready yet at the time.
Thanks again.
So what's your advice? Do I call her? Write? Email? Text? Or just forget it and just tell her when she appears again?
|
You tell her when she appears. Don't wuss out of this, you need to do this the old fashioned way.
|
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
|
Contact her with, "We need to talk."
Then go see her. Go catch up. It will help the feelings.
You never know, she may have thought you were "just a friend" all along (because you never made a move/put your foot down)
You are the man. You made a decision to be with the current one until death do you part. Let Miss Ambiguity control you and you can kiss the current love of your life goodbye. To her, you betrayed her because you let the past control/haunt you. Your commitment/proposal means nothing.
Close. The. Chapter.
"What we had was great, I loved yet hated every moment of it. I found a woman that can comit and has committed her life to me, to us. I'm here to close this chapter in my life. Thank you and goodbye. We can catch up again. As friends."
|
|
|
|
|
|
EPT
