And I actually don't mean those hi-bye friends that you see once in a while. What I mean are those good and close friends who you can hang out with everyday.
I'm frustrated. I simply don't get it. I don't know if it is just me, or if it is just because of where I'm from, but everyone I meet seem to already have their own fair share of close friends, or cliques, to hang out with (I'm now in university btw). Nobody wants to hang out with someone they've just met for a couple of minutes just a while ago, and I seriously mean nobody.
It also seems to me (at least) that people nowadays are really materialistic and only really want to be around people who are talented/funny/smart/good-looking in some way.
So, dear readers of this blog post, can someone kindly enlighten me on how the FUCK do I make some good friends, or at least, share some of your experience on how did you get to know some of your best friends.
P.S. Please don't tell me to do stuff like sit next to that hot girl in lecture and compliment her on how nice her hair looks, because that is downright creepy and has just about as much chance of working as a 2-rax against protoss (unless you are a hot guy, of course, which I'm unfortunately not).
Many thanks in advance, and sorry for the angry tone of this blog. Really sad and frustrated right now.
I think it's mostly attitude. If people enjoy your company you are more likely to make friends.
On May 21 2013 00:23 Clazziquai10 wrote: can someone kindly enlighten me on how the FUCK do I make some good friends
This is not the ideal attitude, for example.
On May 21 2013 00:23 Clazziquai10 wrote: Please don't tell me to do stuff like sit next to that hot girl in lecture and compliment her on how nice her hair looks
Um, why did you think someone would tell you this??
It also seems to me (at least) that people nowadays are really materialistic and only really want to be around people who are talented/funny/smart/good-looking in some way.
Well interpersonal relationships have their basis on mutual benefit. If you are somehow none of these things, I don't see why anyone would want to be more than hi, bye friends with you either. Chances are you have some traits that people would like, pick up some hobbies, play with random people at recreational clubs at uni and you'll hopefully find some friends that way.
Inb4 tons of people saying the usual standard "go to new places, meet new ppl" etc: Some people just fall through the cracks of society. Some people get lucky, other don't. Nobody can give you a guide on how to become a popular person with many friends. In this society, you're either a winner or a loser, theres not many shades of grey in between.
On May 21 2013 00:33 Harrad wrote: Inb4 tons of people saying the usual standard "go to new places, meet new ppl" etc: Some people just fall through the cracks of society. Some people get lucky, other don't. Nobody can give you a guide on how to become a popular person with many friends. In this society, you're either a winner or a loser, theres not many shades of grey in between.
Well, that's standard advise because that's what works, telling someone they're screwed by luck is way less helpful. (Probably counterproductive, there's very little luck involved)
On May 21 2013 00:23 Clazziquai10 wrote: It also seems to me (at least) that people nowadays are really materialistic and only really want to be around people who are talented/funny/smart/good-looking in some way.
first of all, none of those are examples of materialism. secondly, would you rather hang out with someone who is talented or not? funny or boring? smart or dumb? good-looking or ugly?
and btw, looks are really not that high up on the list of traits that people look for in a friend. as long as you don't look like a slob it won't hinder you.
I listened to this and Zig Ziglar in car rides for 7 years straight. I had to recite optimism papers in front of the mirror twice a day and do it with an ecstatic and enthused voice.
I had to walk with my arms cocked to my pecs and moving them swiftly back and forth in public with a smile to let others know I was going somewhere important and I was important.
Attitude is important and so is being optimistic with others and with yourself.
All I learned from the above were these three rules:
1. Always take interest in what other people have to say 2. A person's name is their favourite thing to say. 3. Take initiative.
Stop being a stubborn person and put yourself out there.
There's a passage which I think is from C.S. Lewis' "Four Loves" (not 100% sure) which says that if romantic love is two people gazing into each other's eyes, then friendship is two people facing the same direction side-by-side.
Approaching making friends with a mentality of "what do I need to do to gain/hold this other person's attention?" is flawed and makes the whole thing a lot more difficult than it has to be. It causes your interactions to be strained from the get-go. Instead
The simplest and quickest way to create fast bonds and a sense of familiarity with someone/people is by shared activities/interests. And really, focus on that activity (or in Lewis' words, that vision/direction) first. It should be something you truly enjoy. An easy example might be heading out to join your university's gaming club or CSL (if they have one). You can hit up a meeting, play some SC2 matches with people, and then trading BNet info/FB info/messenger info comes very naturally. Progress from there.
The key is finding activities you genuinely enjoy and are passionate about. People will trust you more when they realize that you are not some creeper trying to find "friends" - instead, you are a dedicated fan/athlete/gamer/artist/whatever who is open to meeting people with similar interests. Your passion and, hopefully, your skill/dedication will make you very attractive in that context.
Hope this helps. I can't say I've been in your shoes, but I have a few friends who have and I've thought critically about it a lot.
Sitting next to that hot girl in class and telling her that she looks nice can work but anyway!
You say you are in university. This is usually a place where you can easily make friends. Does your university have sport clubs? Cinema? Board games? Get involved in activities like that and you will meet new people. After a while, you will recognize the people you would like to hang out with. Propose them to go out for drinks/pick up girls(or guys)/play football/play video games/watch paint dry. Do that a few times --> congratulations you have new friends
Your university doesn't have any activities like that? (which I doubt but let's assume it doesn't). Start talking with some classmates you find cool (complain about that very annoying professor / that very difficult coursework/exam for example) and slowly talk to them more and more about their interests (Do they like sports? Video games? Sleeping?). Propose them to go do some activity they enjoy doing. Do that a few times --> congratulations you have new friends
Edit:
On May 21 2013 00:33 Harrad wrote: Inb4 tons of people saying the usual standard "go to new places, meet new ppl" etc: Some people just fall through the cracks of society. Some people get lucky, other don't. Nobody can give you a guide on how to become a popular person with many friends. In this society, you're either a winner or a loser, theres not many shades of grey in between.
On May 21 2013 00:23 Clazziquai10 wrote: And I actually don't mean those hi-bye friends that you see once in a while. What I mean are those good and close friends who you can hang out with everyday.
I'm frustrated. I simply don't get it. I don't know if it is just me, or if it is just because of where I'm from, but everyone I meet seem to already have their own fair share of close friends, or cliques, to hang out with (I'm now in university btw). Nobody wants to hang out with someone they've just met for a couple of minutes just a while ago, and I seriously mean nobody.
It also seems to me (at least) that people nowadays are really materialistic and only really want to be around people who are talented/funny/smart/good-looking in some way.
So, dear readers of this blog post, can someone kindly enlighten me on how the FUCK do I make some good friends, or at least, share some of your experience on how did you get to know some of your best friends.
P.S. Please don't tell me to do stuff like sit next to that hot girl in lecture and compliment her on how nice her hair looks, because that is downright creepy and has just about as much chance of working as a 2-rax against protoss (unless you are a hot guy, of course, which I'm unfortunately not).
Many thanks in advance, and sorry for the angry tone of this blog. Really sad and frustrated right now.
You have no friends because your attitude is wrong. You're stubborn, secluded and completely narrow-minded. If you're entering the public sphere with misconceptions, assumptions without investigation and dismissal, you're going to be alone for very long.
During high-school I dismissed everyone as being primitive in thought and obsessed with the superficiality of things, that's why I got through all of it with some friends and the acceptance that somehow, and stupidly, everyone was below me. I was completely delusional in protecting myself from people who were genuine, nice and just being young.
Everyone has their own cliques of friends because that's how it works. I made my real group of English-speaking friends by taking initiative. I got off the couch, I stopped eating hot pockets (all real things I did in college for 2 years straight), I loosened up and started my own StarCraft 2 club at Concordia:
I just spent the last hour looking at the different clubs and groups here at Concordia University, it's my first semester and I honestly expected a video-gaming club or something [I mean... there's a freakin' dodgeball club in this university!]. My sister was the president or something for ECA a year or so back and they had a few video-gaming parties and I think one LAN night within the school that consisted of Brood War and Quake.
This was awhile back, so I'm a bit fuzzy on the details since I wasn't attending university at the time and honestly just tagged along.
Now that I am in university, I look around and I see nothing remotely close to video-gaming or specifically: Starcraft here at Concordia, is there any reason?
I was told that McGill was the place for Starcraft players/university students, I hope not however since they didn't accept me (Manchester in England did however...)
Anyways... uh... the point of this topic is: 1. to see if I'm not alone here in Montreal and 2. to hope that there is a group of students who host LAN Parties at Concordia or something.
Not sure. It's late, etc. etc.
Cheers, Torte de Lini
This is real and that happened literally 3 years ago. I literally made all my real-life friends through Team Liquid's community hub. I ended up starting the club, taking in members and stood in as treasurer, co-founder, political constitutional writer and more. I did a bunch of events for the club and eventually raked in 120 local members.
The club's been inactive for a bit and I am graduating with at least 30 to 50 people I can call friends, each varying in degree of closeness.
Take initiative. University does everything in its power to allow you to meet people. you just have to get out there
LANs Electronic bar lounge where people played Street Fighter/Arcade Events I was hosting and met some really cool developers Other university clubs and club fairs
No one is going to talk to you, you need to talk to them, you need to organize things with them at their convenience and you need to reach out.
You can do it and soon after, it'll just be a thing of the past, just break your shell and reach out! It's really easy once you get the hang of it and people will soon accept you for who you are.
Go do something. Rock climb. Swim. Play paintball. Nothing binds friends together like shared pain or euphoria upon climbing that sheer rock face or finishing that four hundred meter set or double-tapping that arrogant dick from Blue Team in the 'nads.
Or, if you're not an ADD-afflicted squirrel, try doing more sedate activities - use meetup.com, find writers, musicians, artists, meet people and get mixed up in things they love and things you love.
Seems like there's already a few good posts in this thread that nail it. I have a genuine question though, would you want to hang out with you? If so why? I don't mean anything by it, I'd just like to know.
On May 21 2013 00:33 Harrad wrote: Inb4 tons of people saying the usual standard "go to new places, meet new ppl" etc: Some people just fall through the cracks of society. Some people get lucky, other don't. Nobody can give you a guide on how to become a popular person with many friends. In this society, you're either a winner or a loser, theres not many shades of grey in between.
No, there are no cracks of social gathering and interaction, just people unwilling to make a decision if they prefer to be with themselves or others.
If you have a general desire to meet people and have friends, then he's not in the crack, he's jut preparing his leap. There is a guide to making friends and influencing people, it's been around for many decades by Dale Carnegie.
Inform yourself before you spout bullshit.
There are no losers, just winners and people who want to win.
I start a valid argument, it begins from there. Actually you don't do it for the sake of making friends, it just naturally ends up that way. I don't think it works if you start with the purpose of aggressively trying to befriend this person, it has to be a... subconscious process(Is this a valid term to use)? If you will. Unless this person you meet has similar traits and hobbies that is pretty self-explanatory.
Having had a few bad experiences with friends I try to steer clear from them most of the time. Nowadays I have like 2 friends, one I see 1-2 times a year, the other maybe 5. After I'm done with my studies I'm moving out of the country and that'll probably drop to zero.
The problem (one of them at least) with friends is, you never know if they like you or their image of you. So usually you have to keep playing some kind of part for them. Like your job is to stroke someone's cock for them.
On May 21 2013 01:08 HwangjaeTerran wrote: Having had a few bad experiences with friends I try to steer clear from them most of the time. Nowadays I have like 2 friends, one I see 1-2 times a year, the other maybe 5. After I'm done with my studies I'm moving out of the country and that'll probably drop to zero.
The problem (one of them at least) with friends is, you never know if they like you or their image of you. So usually you have to keep playing somekind of part for them. Like your job is to stroke someone's cock for them.
Ehhh... had this sort of feeling in college, but once work starts and the bullshit drops you find out fast who your real friends are
But seriously, if you over think the process and act like an angsty child in search of respite from your self-consuming loneliness, ain't nobody gonna wanna friend that. Just help others, listen to those around you, and don't take anyone's shit. The most important thing is, big surprise, you gotta talk to strangers. That's really the only way.
You can't force friendship. All my close friendships just developed over time and by random chance. I'm terrible at making conversation or actively getting to know people. I just spent a lot of time with them and we happened to like each other's humor, behavior, stories, hobbies etc. School, university, workplace, sports clubs or having friends bring along other friends are good occasions to repeatedly be together with a large number of people and come across a select few that have the right chemistry. Just be yourself and don't try to be something you aren't. You want friends who like the real you, not a role you're playing.
On May 21 2013 00:23 Clazziquai10 wrote: P.S. Please don't tell me to do stuff like sit next to that hot girl in lecture and compliment her on how nice her hair looks, because that is downright creepy and has just about as much chance of working as a 2-rax against protoss (unless you are a hot guy, of course, which I'm unfortunately not).
It doesn't have to be the hot girl. In fact, it doesn't have to be a girl at all. However, I guarantee you, tell 20 people their hair looks shiny, strong and fabulous in every possible way, and you will end up with at least 1 new friend.
If it fails, which it won't, I'll be your friend instead.
On May 21 2013 00:23 Clazziquai10 wrote: P.S. Please don't tell me to do stuff like sit next to that hot girl in lecture and compliment her on how nice her hair looks, because that is downright creepy and has just about as much chance of working as a 2-rax against protoss (unless you are a hot guy, of course, which I'm unfortunately not).
well no one is saying sit next to the hot girl if that isnt your thing. tl is an open and welcoming place. if you wanna go sit next to the hot guy and compliment his hair, i will still be post in your blog o/
I think that the thinking you have that you need friends that you can hangout with every day is unrealistic. For me I know that I need to be my own best friend. If I am happy with myself someone will probably see that and want to be around me. By working on myself and gaining confidence I am attracting people without even thinking about it. Just try and be "real" with people don't try and modify yourself to make other people happy. If your going to change something about yourself do it to make you happy. Life's a bumpy road, I have had few people that have moments of being "real", but those are the people I want around. If you do what makes you happy you will find other people doing what makes them happy and you will naturally kindle some kind of relationship. Putting yourself out there is important, but knowing who you are is too!
The thing that's always bugged me with the "you gotta talk to strangers" bit about making new friends is, no one has tried to talk to me to make a new friend out of me. I've had people sit next to me and stare, stand next to me while everyone around us is speaking to someone else or listening in a small group. That's not enough. If you're going to take the initiative you have to go all the way with it. The first words have to come out of your mouth. You can't expect to go 90% of the way and the other person will go the last 10%. That's just creepy.
Actually, I do remember someone who followed the rule "friends help each other any way they can." He was really an exception. There doesn't seem to be many people like that around. At the time it felt good, like I was becoming part of a group, but after a few weeks where I was just another kid in the club who no one invited anywhere outside that club, I just kinda broke down and left.
You really have to take the first steps with someone if you want to be their friend. People might find you a little weird for it, or they might not. Maybe the reason why I thought that person was an exception is because he really needed friends too. If you need friends, you have to humble yourself and make contact. You can't just pretend everything's fine because people will either think of you as that lonely kid, or they'll actually think everything's fine, that you DO have friends.
I've been trying to think of one nice/cool thing to do for a new friend each day I go without any. Atm I'm pretty isolated for people. Later when I make friends I will sprinkle the nice/cool things over time, so I'm not being "too nice" or creepy.
Smiling helps a TON. Your looks easily gain 2-3 points. You can go from a 4 to a 7 just by smiling!
Use their name a lot on your first meeting. This shows that you actually care about them. Even if you can remember a name the first time it's said, use it a lot that first day.
Lastly, you can try the "friends by connections / mass-conversation method." This is a principle where you have more to talk about simply because you are talking to more people. Be warned, you can get quite popular this way; be sure to smile! So, you start talking to people. Let's say you get into a really good conversation with one of them. Get their number and start texting them a bit. Do this until you have 10-15 or more people who like to text all day. Odds are in your favor that you will hear something interesting happened with AT LEAST one of them. Then you can tell all your other 9-14 text-friends, and anyone else new that you decide to strike up a conversation with. "One of my friends/my friend (their name) got a speeding ticket yesterday. He was going 93 in a 45." Stuff like that, if it's actually true, can get people interested just because you have interesting stories to tell. People like entertainment nowadays. Then again, you may have to create some of your own interesting stories if you take this route!
All introverts i've ever known have benefited immensely from obtaining colleagues through a job. Some of those colleagues have become their close friends with whom they stay in touch and even though they're working at different places now, those stories of bonding from the previous employment bind them together.
Edit: military would be another obvious answer seeing how you're from Singapore.
On May 21 2013 00:23 Clazziquai10 wrote: And I actually don't mean those hi-bye friends that you see once in a while. What I mean are those good and close friends who you can hang out with everyday.
I'm frustrated. I simply don't get it. I don't know if it is just me, or if it is just because of where I'm from, but everyone I meet seem to already have their own fair share of close friends, or cliques, to hang out with (I'm now in university btw). Nobody wants to hang out with someone they've just met for a couple of minutes just a while ago, and I seriously mean nobody.
It also seems to me (at least) that people nowadays are really materialistic and only really want to be around people who are talented/funny/smart/good-looking in some way.
So, dear readers of this blog post, can someone kindly enlighten me on how the FUCK do I make some good friends, or at least, share some of your experience on how did you get to know some of your best friends.
P.S. Please don't tell me to do stuff like sit next to that hot girl in lecture and compliment her on how nice her hair looks, because that is downright creepy and has just about as much chance of working as a 2-rax against protoss (unless you are a hot guy, of course, which I'm unfortunately not).
Many thanks in advance, and sorry for the angry tone of this blog. Really sad and frustrated right now.
You're using the world materialistic wrong. That's only rich people that flaunt their wealth around to gain friends. Also the way you put it, do you not consider yourself talented, funny, smart, OR good looking?
P.S. Compliments are awesome. Especially to hot girls. BUT they have to be genuine ; cant compliment her hair if there's nothing special about it, than it just comes off as weird. One example I remember is I was sitting with these two girls, and they were just talking about whatever, and I don't remember what made me do it, but I said to one of the girls "Hey XXX I just wanted to let you know that you look good doing your homework". The other girl was like wtf that's creepy, but the girl I complimented wasn't weirded out at all because the compliment was genuine and I wasn't expecting anything really from saying it except to make her day better. I had seen her throughout the day because we had both been studying in between classes and meals in the same common area. And when we weren't studying, I was just thinking how exhausted I was from all the work I had done and I thought she must feel a similar fatigued way so I thought a compliment would make her feel better. All I was shooting for was a thanks with a smile and that's what I got from it
Also I've seen a proxy 2 rax beat a protoss player (with nexus cannon) so ya, the skys the limit really
On May 21 2013 00:23 Clazziquai10 wrote: It also seems to me (at least) that people nowadays are really materialistic and only really want to be around people who are talented/funny/smart/good-looking in some way.
first of all, none of those are examples of materialism. secondly, would you rather hang out with someone who is talented or not? funny or boring? smart or dumb? good-looking or ugly?
and btw, looks are really not that high up on the list of traits that people look for in a friend. as long as you don't look like a slob it won't hinder you.
agreed lol, just saw your post.
Being someone's friend is doing something for that person and not expecting ANYTHING in return. That's really the best mentality you can have when it comes to making new friends and evaluating people
On May 21 2013 02:45 hp.Shell wrote: The thing that's always bugged me with the "you gotta talk to strangers" bit about making new friends is, no one has tried to talk to me to make a new friend out of me. I've had people sit next to me and stare, stand next to me while everyone around us is speaking to someone else or listening in a small group. That's not enough. If you're going to take the initiative you have to go all the way with it. The first words have to come out of your mouth. You can't expect to go 90% of the way and the other person will go the last 10%. That's just creepy.
Actually, I do remember someone who followed the rule "friends help each other any way they can." He was really an exception. There doesn't seem to be many people like that around. At the time it felt good, like I was becoming part of a group, but after a few weeks where I was just another kid in the club who no one invited anywhere outside that club, I just kinda broke down and left.
You really have to take the first steps with someone if you want to be their friend. People might find you a little weird for it, or they might not. Maybe the reason why I thought that person was an exception is because he really needed friends too. If you need friends, you have to humble yourself and make contact. You can't just pretend everything's fine because people will either think of you as that lonely kid, or they'll actually think everything's fine, that you DO have friends.
I've been trying to think of one nice/cool thing to do for a new friend each day I go without any. Atm I'm pretty isolated for people. Later when I make friends I will sprinkle the nice/cool things over time, so I'm not being "too nice" or creepy.
Smiling helps a TON. Your looks easily gain 2-3 points. You can go from a 4 to a 7 just by smiling!
Use their name a lot on your first meeting. This shows that you actually care about them. Even if you can remember a name the first time it's said, use it a lot that first day.
Lastly, you can try the "friends by connections / mass-conversation method." This is a principle where you have more to talk about simply because you are talking to more people. Be warned, you can get quite popular this way; be sure to smile! So, you start talking to people. Let's say you get into a really good conversation with one of them. Get their number and start texting them a bit. Do this until you have 10-15 or more people who like to text all day. Odds are in your favor that you will hear something interesting happened with AT LEAST one of them. Then you can tell all your other 9-14 text-friends, and anyone else new that you decide to strike up a conversation with. "One of my friends/my friend (their name) got a speeding ticket yesterday. He was going 93 in a 45." Stuff like that, if it's actually true, can get people interested just because you have interesting stories to tell. People like entertainment nowadays. Then again, you may have to create some of your own interesting stories if you take this route!
All the best. Do something today.
Really sound advice here, i know when i started trying being more social i had learned 5-6 jokes and a couple of simple magic tricks that i used often when i met knew people.
Now ive become crazy so i just have to be myself to interest people it is great.
Also alcohol, parties, drugs alwais enhance social behavior from everyone, just dont go overboard.
I listened to this and Zig Ziglar in car rides for 7 years straight. I had to recite optimism papers in front of the mirror twice a day and do it with an ecstatic and enthused voice.
I had to walk with my arms cocked to my pecs and moving them swiftly back and forth in public with a smile to let others know I was going somewhere important and I was important.
Attitude is important and so is being optimistic with others and with yourself.
All I learned from the above were these three rules:
1. Always take interest in what other people have to say 2. A person's name is their favourite thing to say. 3. Take initiative.
Stop being a stubborn person and put yourself out there.
I bought this book last week and I'm reading it right now actually. I got the part where it talks about listening to people, which is is about taking interest. I'm thinking back about conversation I have with people and I'm always listening but people don't have much to say. It seems like they think I'm not listening. I just don't have much to say, but I'm always listening. Got any protips on that one?
I listened to this and Zig Ziglar in car rides for 7 years straight. I had to recite optimism papers in front of the mirror twice a day and do it with an ecstatic and enthused voice.
I had to walk with my arms cocked to my pecs and moving them swiftly back and forth in public with a smile to let others know I was going somewhere important and I was important.
Attitude is important and so is being optimistic with others and with yourself.
All I learned from the above were these three rules:
1. Always take interest in what other people have to say 2. A person's name is their favourite thing to say. 3. Take initiative.
Stop being a stubborn person and put yourself out there.
I bought this book last week and I'm reading it right now actually. I got the part where it talks about listening to people, which is is about taking interest. I'm thinking back about conversation I have with people and I'm always listening but people don't have much to say. It seems like they think I'm not listening. I just don't have much to say, but I'm always listening. Got any protips on that one?
Gotta pull it out of them. You have to listen and take a general interest in what they're saying. You need to follow-up with questions and drive the conversation you want to go. Think of the conversation as a moving car, you need to set the turns and the road: otherwise the driver won't know where to go and it may just fall flat.
With a good and well-driven conversation, you can either bridge back onto what you want them to know (say its a potential employer) or just be known as someone who cares and is interested in others.
Think of people like oysters. The meat is what you want. Wait no...that sounds creepy. Think of the meat as a symbol for friendship. To get it you have to force the shell open. Try to find leverage points on the shell and apply pressure there, or otherwise known as common interests. If that doesn't work and you're not willing to find another oyster (why wouldn't you they're like 7 billion of them), you'll have to rely on the brute force method to bash the shell open, otherwise known as spending A LOT of time with them.
These are the only two ways I know how to open an oyster. If anyone else knows some other methods please let me know. Fuck now I'm hungry.
I don't think I ever had a lack of friends. I don't know how I make them, it just kinda happens no matter where I live (I've moved a lot). All I can say is be a pleasant/fun person to be around. People won't invite you to things if they think you're gonna be a drag. Smile a lot, be approachable and don't turn down invitations.
This needs more context if you want help. Did you have a lot of friends before? You just moved away and have none nearby now right? Are there any ties to anyone from back home to where you are now?
Anyways, context. You have to get involved with things. Either specific classes, extra curricular, or some local hangout place. Start going there and just being the best you can be. Play to your strong attributes. If you are helpful, be helpful, if you are a joker, mess with people, if you are skilled at something, share it. etc. Once you establish a rapport with someone/people or build some relationship out of common interest you have begun bonding. If it is a structured environment you will see them often at the same time and just act like that's your place to hang together. Then after a while you can start asking to do stuff outside of class. You know finding out what they are into and sharing. Just be assertive and ask what they like to do for fun or what's going on later and if you can join in because you are new/not from here and don't know anywhere or anyone fun/cool to hang out with or do.
When talking to people always ask open ended questions like; "what do you think about X?", or "My friend said X, what's your opinion?".
What does your daily/weekly life consist of? Gimme a quick rundown and I can tell you what to focus on and how to work it to your advantage.
PS- I understand your plight as I was in this age at one point. Confused, depressed, apathetic, angst, whatever you want to call it. Once you get over it (and you will), you will just stop caring so much about random stuff and just be yourself and talk to people like you don't give a fuck. The only problem with this, is often being yourself may not be what most people like so it's not a be all end all solution. I personally still am working on that part of it. You can't please everyone and you shouldn't try, but the ones who stick around understand your values after a while and they may stick around for a longer while.
PPS-You also might try and talk to mental-health-whoever at the university and say you are new and not particularly apt in social situations and if they can help you with any extra curricular or specific courses that may help. In order for a human to be healthy, they need social interaction among other things. Newborns will die if they are not held, we are very social animals.
Had a similar problem. To make it short i dropped out from my university and basically just sat at home doing nothing for almost 3 years with very little social interaction whatsoever. As you can imagine I couldnt even make hi\bye acquaintance because of that. So i had 2 close friends from school and thats all. The problem with them however is that we have nothing to do when we meet up.
The turning point was this summer when i said 'fuck it'. stopped moping around and feel sorry and insecure about myself. I went to a musical college and started to be more open, little by little, tried to speak more openly and not to worry about what the others will think of me. I started to be more confident using the "Fake it till you make it" strategy. To make it simple i tried to put myself out there. When talking to people i try to take interest in them by figuring out their "thing", something i heard from Day9. Once i established some contact i stayed in touch using social networks.(Yeah it's a kind of a necessity nowadays) The next step is to ask them out yourself and put this topic on the table. If you have a good experience chatting there should be no problem in spending time together.
I can say many things on the topic because i'm working through this problem myself and have major improvements, It is not problem for me now to be friends with someone i genuenly like, although for various reasons i have a trouble in finding a circle/group of people to hang out with.
Stop thinking about how lonely you are. Just find something you really enjoy doing and immerse yourself in it. You will get to know people that have done the same.
The amount of friends you have depends on the person you are. You can't go about wanting to have many friends if you do not change yourself to the type of person that has many friends.
Change yourself by doing things you enjoy. Meet people doing the same ??? Profit.
Read Dale Carnegie's How to win friends and influence people. I come from the same place as you so I know what you feel. Singapore is one of the most materialistic societies, but money isn't everything, people will want to hang out with you if you're funny, charismatic and confident. These are all traits that can be learned and improved upon.
On May 21 2013 02:45 hp.Shell wrote: The thing that's always bugged me with the "you gotta talk to strangers" bit about making new friends is, no one has tried to talk to me to make a new friend out of me. I've had people sit next to me and stare, stand next to me while everyone around us is speaking to someone else or listening in a small group. That's not enough. If you're going to take the initiative you have to go all the way with it. The first words have to come out of your mouth. You can't expect to go 90% of the way and the other person will go the last 10%. That's just creepy.
Actually, I do remember someone who followed the rule "friends help each other any way they can." He was really an exception. There doesn't seem to be many people like that around. At the time it felt good, like I was becoming part of a group, but after a few weeks where I was just another kid in the club who no one invited anywhere outside that club, I just kinda broke down and left.
You really have to take the first steps with someone if you want to be their friend. People might find you a little weird for it, or they might not. Maybe the reason why I thought that person was an exception is because he really needed friends too. If you need friends, you have to humble yourself and make contact. You can't just pretend everything's fine because people will either think of you as that lonely kid, or they'll actually think everything's fine, that you DO have friends.
I've been trying to think of one nice/cool thing to do for a new friend each day I go without any. Atm I'm pretty isolated for people. Later when I make friends I will sprinkle the nice/cool things over time, so I'm not being "too nice" or creepy.
Smiling helps a TON. Your looks easily gain 2-3 points. You can go from a 4 to a 7 just by smiling!
Use their name a lot on your first meeting. This shows that you actually care about them. Even if you can remember a name the first time it's said, use it a lot that first day.
Lastly, you can try the "friends by connections / mass-conversation method." This is a principle where you have more to talk about simply because you are talking to more people. Be warned, you can get quite popular this way; be sure to smile! So, you start talking to people. Let's say you get into a really good conversation with one of them. Get their number and start texting them a bit. Do this until you have 10-15 or more people who like to text all day. Odds are in your favor that you will hear something interesting happened with AT LEAST one of them. Then you can tell all your other 9-14 text-friends, and anyone else new that you decide to strike up a conversation with. "One of my friends/my friend (their name) got a speeding ticket yesterday. He was going 93 in a 45." Stuff like that, if it's actually true, can get people interested just because you have interesting stories to tell. People like entertainment nowadays. Then again, you may have to create some of your own interesting stories if you take this route!
All the best. Do something today.
Really sound advice here, i know when i started trying being more social i had learned 5-6 jokes and a couple of simple magic tricks that i used often when i met knew people.
Now ive become crazy so i just have to be myself to interest people it is great.
Also alcohol, parties, drugs alwais enhance social behavior from everyone, just dont go overboard.
Be happy and smile )))))))))))))))
Much love brother.
I feel like I have a lot of advice to give, but I never take any action. What am I so afraid of? It sucks when friends go their separate ways. I think it's that.
You need to find a bromance if you want to hang out every day. Guys are easier to hit on than girls, so it should be easy.
Think about what you would do to hit on a girl, do half of that to the potential prospect, and your bromance is on. (oh, and skip the flowers and gifts, big no no in bromance) Potential dangers is gay zone of course, but you can hit and miss a bit with that and it's all good fun.
There is not really a secret to finding friends. You meet other people, you talk to other people and eventually you'll find others with the same interests as you and some of them will become close friends.
The biggest trouble is the meeting part, especially if you don't already have a good circle of friends where you meet others on birthday partys and such, but if you had lots of friends you probably wouldn't ask this question. Just follow your hobbies, try to use any opportunity to meet other people even if it's something you don't like too much and eventually it will happen by itself. You can't force it.
Don't avoid "acquaintances", i.e. friends you only say hi to every few weeks. Think of them as gateways to meet more friends. You go to their birthday parties and stuff, they come to yours and you get to meet their friends which might become your friends.
The thing holding you back most is your mentality. If you believe that it is extremely difficult to make friends, then it will be very difficult to make friends.
Since many people have given good advice so far, I most likely will not be able to add much to this conversation. I just know that everyone has something redeeming about them that makes them a good person. You have those traits as well. You just need to figure out what that trait it, believe that you can make friends using that trait(s), and friends will just come naturally.
If you look hard enough, friends will come to you. They also come in the most unexpected places.
EPT
