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Among other things.
Let's see, where to begin... My girlfriend and I have had a pretty rocky relationship. Lots of ups and downs. Recently, our biggest issue came from the prospect of us moving in together. We'd had tentative plans to move in together in the middle of May (when her roommate is moving out), but a few days ago, I told her I wasn't sure because we've been having so many issues lately. She got pissed, said I didn't love her, said I didn't want to commit to her, all this stuff... none of it true. I do love her and I am committed to her. I just think things are moving a little fast. We've been dating for less than a year, so I don't think I'm being unreasonable for feeling like things are moving too quickly. On that day when I told her that I wasn't sure if I was ready, I got her calmed down and then we had a "secret sharing" session of sorts. I don't even remember how we got onto the topic, but it was just a time when we were sharing little things we might not have been completely honest about. I told her there was a girl that I'd had some past dates with that I was still talking to (and told her that this girl still had feelings for me but we were just friends, honestly). She told me she'd had feelings for one of her guy friends that I'd met, and also that she'd had a girlfriend in the past that I didn't know about. I knew she'd had one but she told me about this other girl. We seemed fine that night, but then...
Fast forward to Sunday. I come over not exactly in the best mood because of our recent issues, and she explodes on me about this other girl. Says she can't trust me anymore, says I've been lying to her, etc... all this shit. and tells me I have to cut this other person out of my life even though I'm being completely 100% honest that we're purely friends, and nothing sexual has happened with this other girl while I've been dating my current girl. I mean, for fuck's sake, I've hung out with this female friend of mine a grand total of about 3 times in the last year, two times because we had incidental contact on our college campus (and we ended up sitting and talking for a while) and one time because I asked her to talk with me on campus. After all this (or during, I can't remember exactly when), my girlfriend admitted to me that she'd gone through my phone, totally invaded my privacy. I didn't really react when she told me, but now that I've thought about it more, I'm fucking pissed. gonna talk to her about that tonight. I've never broken up with someone and I don't really know how to, but I might have to tonight.
There's just so much shit that I'm having a hard time dealing with here. First, it's the fact that she's so insecure that she wants me to cut out a good friend of mine. and it's the fact that she's a huuuuuuuuge hypocrite... here's the story on that. This girlfriend I didn't know about until she told me; well, I didn't know they had that sort of relationship... a few months into our (as in my girlfriend and me) relationship, this girl came over to her place one night just to hang out. alone. and now I wonder if something happened. it bothers the hell out of me because my girl exploded on me when all I've had is casual contact with this girl I once had feelings for, and now I'm making sure we stay just friends. I didn't fucking invite her over one night to hang out with me, alone. I already brought this point up to my girl last night but her reaction was something to the effect of "oops, my bad" and then it just got blown off. I need her to realize that she's done exactly what she unloaded on me for, and IMO what she did was worse.
then there's the fact that she completely invaded my privacy and proved she doesn't trust me when she snooped through my phone. she didn't find anything, obviously. because I've been honest and faithful the whole time we've been together. I don't know where to go from here because without trust, what do we have, really? she doesn't trust me (for NO good reason) and to make it even worse, I know that a lot of the time, people who aren't trusting of their significant other and do shit like snooping through their phone/email are secretly guilty about something they've done and they're projecting that onto their partner. or searching for something their partner has also done so they don't have to feel so bad. I did trust my girl completely, but now, I can't help but wonder what she's hiding.
overall, I know what I should do but I don't know how. This relationship feels stifling and nearly dead to me. I need to end it. Until she can let go of past relationship issues (the source of her lack of trust) and take me for me.
 
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United States3824 Posts
If you can't be with her, and you still care about her then you need to break it off. If you draw this out and she goes into her next relationship thinking that it is okay to act that way she's in for an unhappy life.
Tough luck bro 
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United States22883 Posts
Upgrade Muscular Augments and get the fuck out of there.
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You don't trust her, she doesn't trust you, communication's not working = time to break up.
If there's no trust, what else is there?
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This sounds like a horrible waste of time and you should probably get out while you still have all of your fingers in tact.
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SoCal, USA3955 Posts
You said you guys are less than a year into the relationship with lots of up and downs, moving in together seems kinda quick to me too. Plus on top of that you were faithful all this time and she completely crosses the line snooping in your privacy. From this post it seems like this is trouble. I would jump ship before things get worse. :x (and I am a girl.) If she can't get over her trust issues with you, she is gonna have a hard time in the future with other relationships (if this one doesn't go on for much longer.) I just hope she doesn't try to pull crazy crap on you.
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Before you go and end it, talk to her. Literally go to her place and talk it over with her. Don't talk over the phone, talk in person. Tell her you need her to be completely honest with you in that moment and be completely honest with her. Tell her you can't keep the relationship like it is, and giver her a second chance. Tell her why you think it is too early to move in, and tell her that the reactions she has been having have been WAYY too strong for what you have done or said; which, btw, everything you've done is levelheaded. Tell her if she doesn't comply to that, you are straight up walking out and if she does she has a chance at you not walking out. Tell her all of that, if you can make the relationship good, do it, if not, end it.
Pretty much read the blog to her and tell her to be upfront with you.
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United Kingdom20278 Posts
Maybe it's because you are a hydralisk
Seriously though, i would end it. Do what Docvoc said
Maybe get some overlords to drop creep for the 50% speed boost on the way out when things go south
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United States10091 Posts
why would you move in together if you are having problems. thats even worse to be with each other pretty much through the whole day while mistrusting each other.
had to be done. hapns.
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On April 10 2013 10:10 FlaShFTW wrote:
why would you move in together if you are having problems. thats even worse to be with each other pretty much through the whole day while mistrusting each other.
had to be done. hapns.
she somehow thinks it'll make our problems better, which I think is crazy talk.
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Canada5155 Posts
On April 10 2013 10:03 docvoc wrote:
Pretty much read the blog to her and tell her to be upfront with you.
Yeah straight up
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On April 10 2013 10:22 iamahydralisk wrote:Show nested quote +On April 10 2013 10:10 FlaShFTW wrote:
why would you move in together if you are having problems. thats even worse to be with each other pretty much through the whole day while mistrusting each other.
had to be done. hapns. she somehow thinks it'll make our problems better, which I think is crazy talk.
Yeah man you're right there. I had a friend who's gf and him were having problems. She wanted to get married to help their relationship so he thank god he broke that shit off. A month later she was dating his next-door neighbour that looks just like him and trying to get him to marry her. Crazy people will rush commitment so you can't abandon their crazy asses.
Back on your problem, take a last ditch effort at communicating with her. Show her this blog (or something very similar, don't sugarcoat how this bullshit makes you feel), that way you know you're getting across how you feel, and if she still doesn't trust you or believe you then she craycray.
gl man
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Gunna be honest, I stopped reading halfway through. Not because I don't feel for you, but because (as others have noted) it's time for you to break up with her. Drama is a real killer in a relationship; girls like to cause a shitstorm just to see if she can get away with being irrational.
With any relationship, the best approach to dealing with drama is to prevent it from happening in the first place. Whenever the girl you are dating starts stirring up a shitstorm, don't cave in to her accusations or demands. Don't get defensive, don't apologize, don't bend to her will. Seek to understand why she's making a big fuss about something.
Her: You don't love me anymore!
You: Why do you think that?
Her: [insert crazy]
You: I'm pissed that you would even think that. I treat you well, I talk to you, I share my deepest secrets with you, I go out of my way to spend time with you.
Then follow up with kicking her out of your house. Or, if you're at her place, state that you're leaving. Show her you mean business, and that you won't stand for anything ridiculous drama.
Nip it in the bud 
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Get the fuck out of this shit.
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Canada13386 Posts
Less than a year.
Lots of ups and downs.
No trust.
Sorry man, but that ain't a relationship.
How to break up? Tell her why and then leave. She'll cry, she'll have a hard time, then she will realise that she needs to deal with her trust issues. That or, she will think you went off with the other girl and go batshit nutso.
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a) I'm not sure how serious and/or mature this relationship is, so there's a good chance that it is in fact time for it to be over. You're the best judge of that. If you do think that it's just over, then the rest of my post isn't going to help you. But if you think the relationship is worth it, then I hope I can be helpful.
b) Honestly, both of you are acting in somewhat understandable ways (at least from the information I have). A lot of people here are going to take your side and tell you that she's acting crazy, but I don't think she is, at least not more than a lot of people would. In fact, I see a lot of parallels between how you and her are reacting to this. You know that you're just friends with this girl but how is she supposed to know that? And she might also just be friends with that girl but how are you supposed to know that? It's natural to worry about stuff like that, and when it comes to relationships the stakes are always going to be higher and people are always going to react more on their emotions.
c) Emotions are emotions. And jealousy happens. If she's feeling jealous and worried then that's how she's feeling. Don't blame her for it, because it's not crazy to feel that way. Remember that she doesn't have the information that you do, and trusting someone isn't that easy. People make it sound easy, but it's really not. Honestly, it sounds like you might even be having some problems trusting her at this point. Trust is hard, and is a constant and never-ending process. Trust me, after a year, you don't fully trust her. You just trust her enough that you never need to worry about it in daily situations. That's incredibly far from absolute trust.
d) Cheating isn't just sexual. People always forget this. But there is such a thing as emotionally cheating on someone, even outside of the physical cheating that it often leads to. The problem is that the line is much harder to define and differs between people. Some people are comfortable with their significant other having someone that they are very close to and share a lot with, and some aren't (also, opposite sex/previous attraction doesn't help). Because these boundaries aren't nearly as well-defined as physical ones, it's much harder to find a balance that works for both of you. Also, people are always going to be defensive about your friends, which is what it sounds like you're being. The "she's just a really good friend that I like talking with" argument that you're using is perfectly valid, but that doesn't negate her concerns.
e) It's not about who did the worse thing, and it will never end well if it comes down to that. If you want to make this work, then you have to address her concerns about your behavior/situation and be able to come to a compromise/understanding regarding that. And then she needs to do the same for your concerns. Trading blows will never work.
f) Don't project motivations onto her. It can only be harmful and it's rarely right either way. Dismissing her concerns like that is terrible for a relationship. I think all concerns should be valid when they have them. Even if you think that they come from X deeper issue, that isn't relevant at that point. In a relationship, you still have to work together (not one-sided) to understand and address those concerns. If you do think that it's a result of some other issue, then you bring it up at some other time. Never bring it up as an excuse to ignore her concern. Bring it up as your own concern later, after you have resolved the current issue and when neither of you are in the midst of an emotional argument. Otherwise you're only escalating the argument and showing that you don't respect her concerns. DON'T blame it on her insecurity, and DON'T blame it on her past. If you want to address those issues, wait for a calmer time and then bring them up.
g) It sounds to me that you've had just as much of a hand in creating your relationship problems as she has. Maybe more maybe less, but that doesn't really matter. If you can't admit that you're at fault just like she is, and if you can't get over who is more at fault, then it's not going to get much better. It's not about you giving her a second chance, it's about both of you giving each other a second chance and both of you taking each other up on that chance.
h) Oh, and from my skimming, ignore what most people here have said. From what I've seen, most of them are telling you to get out of the relationship because she's terrible. From the information you've given us, I don't see how it's possible to make that judgement. As I said, you might be able to decide whether this relationship is worth it to you, but I'm pretty sure that no one here can.
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On April 10 2013 11:29 theonemephisto wrote:
a) I'm not sure how serious and/or mature this relationship is, so there's a good chance that it is in fact time for it to be over. You're the best judge of that. If you do think that it's just over, then the rest of my post isn't going to help you. But if you think the relationship is worth it, then I hope I can be helpful.
b) Honestly, both of you are acting in somewhat understandable ways (at least from the information I have). A lot of people here are going to take your side and tell you that she's acting crazy, but I don't think she is, at least not more than a lot of people would. In fact, I see a lot of parallels between how you and her are reacting to this. You know that you're just friends with this girl but how is she supposed to know that? And she might also just be friends with that girl but how are you supposed to know that? It's natural to worry about stuff like that, and when it comes to relationships the stakes are always going to be higher and people are always going to react more on their emotions.
c) Emotions are emotions. And jealousy happens. If she's feeling jealous and worried then that's how she's feeling. Don't blame her for it, because it's not crazy to feel that way. Remember that she doesn't have the information that you do, and trusting someone isn't that easy. People make it sound easy, but it's really not. Honestly, it sounds like you might even be having some problems trusting her at this point. Trust is hard, and is a constant and never-ending process. Trust me, after a year, you don't fully trust her. You just trust her enough that you never need to worry about it in daily situations. That's incredibly far from absolute trust.
d) Cheating isn't just sexual. People always forget this. But there is such a thing as emotionally cheating on someone, even outside of the physical cheating that it often leads to. The problem is that the line is much harder to define and differs between people. Some people are comfortable with their significant other having someone that they are very close to and share a lot with, and some aren't (also, opposite sex/previous attraction doesn't help). Because these boundaries aren't nearly as well-defined as physical ones, it's much harder to find a balance that works for both of you. Also, people are always going to be defensive about your friends, which is what it sounds like you're being. The "she's just a really good friend that I like talking with" argument that you're using is perfectly valid, but that doesn't negate her concerns.
e) It's not about who did the worse thing, and it will never end well if it comes down to that. If you want to make this work, then you have to address her concerns about your behavior/situation and be able to come to a compromise/understanding regarding that. And then she needs to do the same for your concerns. Trading blows will never work.
f) Don't project motivations onto her. It can only be harmful and it's rarely right either way. Dismissing her concerns like that is terrible for a relationship. I think all concerns should be valid when they have them. Even if you think that they come from X deeper issue, that isn't relevant at that point. In a relationship, you still have to work together (not one-sided) to understand and address those concerns. If you do think that it's a result of some other issue, then you bring it up at some other time. Never bring it up as an excuse to ignore her concern. Bring it up as your own concern later, after you have resolved the current issue and when neither of you are in the midst of an emotional argument. Otherwise you're only escalating the argument and showing that you don't respect her concerns. DON'T blame it on her insecurity, and DON'T blame it on her past. If you want to address those issues, wait for a calmer time and then bring them up.
g) It sounds to me that you've had just as much of a hand in creating your relationship problems as she has. Maybe more maybe less, but that doesn't really matter. If you can't admit that you're at fault just like she is, and if you can't get over who is more at fault, then it's not going to get much better.
to respond to your points:
b) She should believe me when I tell her that there's nothing going on. Just like I'd believe her if she told me nothing happened that night.
c) I've told her everything and she still doesn't trust me, which is the issue.
g) Of course I've had a hand in our relationship problems and I've absolutely had some fuckups in the past, but these recent problems are honestly mostly her.
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and h) the relationship is worth it if we can have trust and be happy. it's not worth it if it's just gonna be more distrust, fighting and other bullshit.
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When I was younger I used to believe that I trusted my significant others. I now realize that it's not that simple. Trust isn't a requirements for a relationship and most relationships probably don't have real trust. Just enough trust that it doesn't cause problems in daily life. But real trust is really hard and can only be built over a long time and with a lot of hard work.
What's more important than trust in relationships is that you both respect each other's concerns and both work together to deal with them. Relationships don't usually end because there isn't trust, because trust isn't the simple binary state that a lot of people view it as. Relationships end when one person starts ignoring/dismissing the other's concerns instead of respecting and listening to them. And from everything that you've said, you've reached that stage with her (it also sounds like she might have reached that state with you, but I don't have enough information to say). You constantly refer to her concerns as "bullshit" and dismiss them as results of other issues, implying that they aren't real issues.
People think that relationships are built on trust, but I really don't think that they are. Yes, they require a basic level of trust. But relationships are really built on mutual respect and communication. Real trust is a byproduct of relationships, not a prerequisite, and it only comes much later.
On April 10 2013 11:38 iamahydralisk wrote:
... but these recent problems are honestly mostly her.
I don't think that's true. From how I read it:
1) Some stuff happened that caused her to have a concern. Whether this concern is necessarily justified is kind of irrelevant at this point. That's the stuff that you talk about after you work to address her concern. And honestly, from my limited information I think that it's a perfectly justified concern. As I said, emotional cheating is real, trust isn't nearly as easy as you characterize it, and jealousy and worrying happen.
2) She confronts you about it. Maybe not in the best way, which isn't good. But you then dismiss her concerns, get defensive, and then flip it around and make it about something that she did. None of those are constructive ways of addressing her concerns, and all of them are escalatory.
3) She admits that she went through your phone. Definitely a bad action by her.
From that characterization, I see faults on both sides. Maybe you could say that it's more you or more her, but again, that's not really a relevant or useful characterization. You don't solve issues by deciding who is more to blame.
But anyway, I'm really not here to argue about who's at fault in your relationship. I just wanted to offer advice from my experience in relationships. If you think it's good advice and want to take it then do, and if you think I'm wrong or full of shit then that's okay too. I don't claim to be an expert, and I don't have a lot of information about your situation. It's all up to what you want to do.
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I don't feel like I dismissed her concerns. I explained to her exactly what was going on (the fact that I was just friends with this girl and that was the way it was going to stay) and she didn't believe me. Big difference there. I did my best to calm her concerns but she wouldn't listen. That's exactly the issue. The fact that I've been completely open with her but she still doesn't trust me for reasons I don't understand. Also, it's not my intent to flip anything around on her. I want her to realize how hypocritical it is for her to blow up on me for this, but when I bring up something very similar that she's done, she doesn't seem to care much.
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finally, I don't mean to argue, but as far as who's the cause of what's going on... she's the one who's gone through my phone and seemingly refuses to trust me, despite me being completely open and willing to compromise. it doesn't give me much to work with, y'know? there's not much I can do when she won't trust me no matter how I handle the situation...
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Both of you need to grow up. Either calmly talk about the issues at hand and make an honest apology and effort to reconcile, or break up. You're both behaving very childishly.
In your mind, she's the only one that doesn't understand. You're clearly innocent, she just can't understand that even though I've tried. Well, guess what, if she doesn't understand your innocence, you're not displaying your innocence properly. Take the blame and stop trying to blame her for not understanding.
When you tell her that she has done the same things in the past, you're basically admitting your guilt there. And you should never be resulting to personal attacks to shield yourself from a personal attack. Take a deep breath and actually try to understand where she's coming from and explain to her where you are not coming from. If either of you get angry, step away until you're calm again. If you really want to make a relationship work you can't simply agh about it.
And if you feel the trust between you is broken because she invaded your phone then there's really not much to say.
As a general rule of thumb, if you want the relationship, you should enter the relationship with the absolute mindset that everything that happens is your fault, and that she's perfect. Miscommunication? You didn't communicate your thoughts properly. Trust issues? You're not showing her that you're trustworthy enough. She's jealous? Either she's insecure or you're doing things that in her eyes feel very betrayal-y. If you want to keep it, work on your own part, not on hers. You're not supposed to try to change your partner. If you don't want to do all that, then just break it up.
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On April 10 2013 12:53 Blisse wrote:
Both of you need to grow up. Either calmly talk about the issues at hand and make an honest apology and effort to reconcile, or break up. You're both behaving very childishly.
In your mind, she's the only one that doesn't understand. You're clearly innocent, she just can't understand that even though I've tried. Well, guess what, if she doesn't understand your innocence, you're not displaying your innocence properly. Take the blame and stop trying to blame her for not understanding.
When you tell her that she has done the same things in the past, you're basically admitting your guilt there. And you should never be resulting to personal attacks to shield yourself from a personal attack. Take a deep breath and actually try to understand where she's coming from and explain to her where you are not coming from. If either of you get angry, step away until you're calm again. If you really want to make a relationship work you can't simply agh about it.
And if you feel the trust between you is broken because she invaded your phone then there's really not much to say.
As a general rule of thumb, if you want the relationship, you should enter the relationship with the absolute mindset that everything that happens is your fault, and that she's perfect. Miscommunication? You didn't communicate your thoughts properly. Trust issues? You're not showing her that you're trustworthy enough. She's jealous? Either she's insecure or you're doing things that in her eyes feel very betrayal-y. If you want to keep it, work on your own part, not on hers. You're not supposed to try to change your partner. If you don't want to do all that, then just break it up.
If you read my subsequent posts in the topic, I fully admit that some of the problems are my fault and that I've made some mistakes in the relationship. So no, I'm not claiming I'm completely innocent.
Also, getting her to admit that she's done the same thing is much less about guilt and much more about showing her that it's a double standard and it's unacceptable. This isn't the first time something like this has happened (situations where we both did the same thing, she got pissed at me but didn't seem to care as much that she'd done the same thing) and I want her to realize that it's happening.
We obviously disagree about the privacy invasion thing because that's a HUGE red flag because it shows she doesn't trust me enough to believe what I tell her.
And finally, no, I will not enter any relationship with the mindset that I'm always wrong. Nobody is worth that much trouble and a good relationship has balance; not a one-sided charade where one person is always wrong. An attitude like that is basically going to lead to me being her bitch, and neither of us want that. Straight women don't want to date guys who pussy out in every argument and always take the blame. From my own experiences and everything I've seen, women get "comfortable" with guys like that (read: bored and wanting something new and exciting). I'm not saying you should be constantly belligerent and never willing to give an inch, but you have to be willing to hold your ground, to a point.
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Don't take this the wrong way, I'm trying to offer advice, not scold you, but you're being really defensive and emotional right now, and I imagine if you look at some of your posts here later down the road you'll understand that.
Your whole OP made me shudder, because I've been in a relationship almost exactly like that. For me it lasted two years, but it was stifling, constricting, and something I really didn't want, even though I thought I did at the time. I loved it until I looked at my life objectively and realized she had made me push away all of my other friends, it was a together alone/forever alone sort of thing. When I realized I didn't want it, I was too afraid to end it because I cared so much about her and didn't want to hurt her, so I ended up dragging it out too long and then soft peddling the breakup. Fucking worst ideas any man has ever had ever. I still get something like 10 texts a week from her, ranging from "you're so cruel how could you do this to me" to "I'm so sorry I'll do anything to get you back" (mind you, this relationship ended a year ago).
What I learned from my experience is that if you're not happy with a relationship, neither of you can be. If you realize it's not what you want, then that will come through and manifest itself in situations like yours, where mistrust and miscommunications get in the way of everything. You've obviously made up your mind, you're angry at her and at this whole situation, and you've decided that you're not happy. Regardless of who's to blame, it's not working, and I honestly believe the only option for anyone in that position is to break it off. I really don't think you can be happy with her again, and even if it were possible, I don't know if it's worth it, that'd be up to you. Given the information you've told us, I'd end it, and end it thoroughly. Believe me, you don't want any crazy ex girlfriends stalking you. Nobody does. From personal experience, it sucks.
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The moving in thing might not work out so good, so if you are still planning to not do that, tell her (it is just practical).
Ask the right questions and you will get the answers you want. Have you asked "Why do you not trust me?"( get to the roots of it) and keep pressing her on why. If there is no reason that she will tell you then there is a problem. She might just be attached and thinks you will leave her. These are just random thoughts nothing really serious.
PS: Is she the girl in the other [girl blogs] you wrote?
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yes, same girl. and yes, that's close to the reason she doesn't trust me. it's ironic because she's pushing me away by acting that way.
EDIT: she has low self esteem and abandonment issues. she always tells me she's amazed I picked her over all the other girls. I've been trying to build her up from the day we started dating, but it hasn't really worked :/
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list all the reasons she has told you why she doesn't trust you example: the girl who you saw 3 times and so forth.
Edit: ask her why she is with you and tell her "why are you with her"
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On April 10 2013 13:35 iamahydralisk wrote:
yes, same girl. and yes, that's close to the reason she doesn't trust me. it's ironic because she's pushing me away by acting that way.
EDIT: she has low self esteem and abandonment issues. she always tells me she's amazed I picked her over all the other girls. I've been trying to build her up from the day we started dating, but it hasn't really worked :/
I don't think you can really build up anyone's self-esteem by yourself (hence the moniker self-esteem). That being said, if you care about this girl, sit down with her and talk to her in a calm and logical manner. If she isn't willing to communicate the problems she has with you and this girl, than I don't think there is really anything else you can do. Let her know that you are willing to give you guys a second chance, but she has to want it also and communicate properly the concerns with the relationship that need fixing. Best of luck my friend.
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On April 10 2013 09:07 Jibba wrote:
Upgrade Muscular Augments and get the fuck out of there.
Perhaps he needs to research ventral sacs and end it right now 
hydralisk, insecurity is (unfortunately) something that doesn't tend to go away. If she's snooping through your stuff, mad at you for being honest and open, and insisting that you move in with her (probably to keep an eye on you), then I think those are pretty good reasons to quit while you're... only a year behind.
It's not you, it's her... but you should end things now before your girlfriend becomes even more obsessive and overprotective.
You may be a hydralisk, but she's going to become a stalker.
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United Kingdom20278 Posts
Less than a year.
Lots of ups and downs.
No trust.
Sorry man, but that ain't a relationship.
How to break up? Tell her why and then leave. She'll cry, she'll have a hard time, then she will realise that she needs to deal with her trust issues. That or, she will think you went off with the other girl and go batshit nutso.
Thanks for this, it actually reminds me very much of a certain someone
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in a lot of cases people that are that distrusting are untrustworthy themselves..
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On April 10 2013 13:06 iamahydralisk wrote:Show nested quote +On April 10 2013 12:53 Blisse wrote:
Both of you need to grow up. Either calmly talk about the issues at hand and make an honest apology and effort to reconcile, or break up. You're both behaving very childishly.
In your mind, she's the only one that doesn't understand. You're clearly innocent, she just can't understand that even though I've tried. Well, guess what, if she doesn't understand your innocence, you're not displaying your innocence properly. Take the blame and stop trying to blame her for not understanding.
When you tell her that she has done the same things in the past, you're basically admitting your guilt there. And you should never be resulting to personal attacks to shield yourself from a personal attack. Take a deep breath and actually try to understand where she's coming from and explain to her where you are not coming from. If either of you get angry, step away until you're calm again. If you really want to make a relationship work you can't simply agh about it.
And if you feel the trust between you is broken because she invaded your phone then there's really not much to say.
As a general rule of thumb, if you want the relationship, you should enter the relationship with the absolute mindset that everything that happens is your fault, and that she's perfect. Miscommunication? You didn't communicate your thoughts properly. Trust issues? You're not showing her that you're trustworthy enough. She's jealous? Either she's insecure or you're doing things that in her eyes feel very betrayal-y. If you want to keep it, work on your own part, not on hers. You're not supposed to try to change your partner. If you don't want to do all that, then just break it up. If you read my subsequent posts in the topic, I fully admit that some of the problems are my fault and that I've made some mistakes in the relationship. So no, I'm not claiming I'm completely innocent. Also, getting her to admit that she's done the same thing is much less about guilt and much more about showing her that it's a double standard and it's unacceptable. This isn't the first time something like this has happened (situations where we both did the same thing, she got pissed at me but didn't seem to care as much that she'd done the same thing) and I want her to realize that it's happening. We obviously disagree about the privacy invasion thing because that's a HUGE red flag because it shows she doesn't trust me enough to believe what I tell her. And finally, no, I will not enter any relationship with the mindset that I'm always wrong. Nobody is worth that much trouble and a good relationship has balance; not a one-sided charade where one person is always wrong. An attitude like that is basically going to lead to me being her bitch, and neither of us want that. Straight women don't want to date guys who pussy out in every argument and always take the blame. From my own experiences and everything I've seen, women get "comfortable" with guys like that (read: bored and wanting something new and exciting). I'm not saying you should be constantly belligerent and never willing to give an inch, but you have to be willing to hold your ground, to a point.
No, you can admit you're wrong and still be firm in your attitude. If they do something stupid, then it's completely your decision to leave. It's the concept of not trying to change someone that you're missing, instead thinking that this means you have to be submissive.
You're entering the relationship with the idea that you want it to be a balanced relationship. Yet when things get tough, and you've "exhausted all your options", you're waiting for them to admit that they were wrong. You want them to change themselves because you can figure out a way to show them why they're wrong.
If in every situation you try to see how you are wrong, you accept that you're not allowed to change the person to fit your own reality. When they do stupid things like sleep with other men, yeah, you probably can't continue from that, and it's clear where they've gone wrong. But it's also equally clear where you have gone wrong and made her do that, and you'll break it up there. Sure, it could just be that she's a horrible person, but it's equally possible that it was also partly your fault, and you need to take responsibility for that if you want to reconcile. Otherwise, even if you do reconcile, the relationship will still continue to be one-sided since you feel that you're right.
At this point, you're really not willing to accept where you've gone wrong this time, and it shows in all your responses.
You're not allowed to actively try to change your partner. That's wrong. Think of it this way. There is always a reason for any action. If something's wrong in the relationship, it's her fault or your fault (theoretically). If it's her fault, you can forgive her and try to truly reconcile by admitting something is wrong together, figuring what's actually wrong in the relationship and move on from there, or bicker at her for her wrongs, or leave. If it's your fault, then you have the opportunity to change yourself, or bicker with her, or leave. What you're doing is bickering at her. In every situation, it's best to truly admit that you have screwed up, which is really in essence, both of you have screwed up because you have ended up in this situation. If you were not ever wrong, you would never have ended up in this situation, even being more sensitive to her jealousy and talking to her about these possible issues beforehand.
You're not taking responsibility for your own actions, so she's not going to either. At least, not sincerely.
It's not about letting her know that it's a double standard. You're using it as a retaliatory weapon. If you actually wanted to let her know you would have talked about it earlier and gotten out of it way. But now, it's thrown in with the context of your arguments.
We don't disagree about anything about privacy. The issue is because you haven't left the relationship, yet you point out that it's a huge trust red flag. Since it's such a big red flag, leave. But no, you want to stay because you want her to change herself because you feel like she's done something wrong. And the issue is you can't actively try to make her change her ways, you have to be that "understanding" yourself and hope that she comes to those changes on her own accord.
Listen to, and actually understand her views, and move on from there.
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While a lot of the comments here are legitimate it's also important to remember that a lot of relationships go through rocky patches, particularly within the first year. I'm a firm believer that if you can get through that part of the relationship it makes you stronger as a couple. However, from reading the blog it seems like you have a lot of other issues at hand other than a "rocky relationship".
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Dude. Since no one talked about this so far, this entire thing is imho about failsaucing in the 101 of boy/girl communication.
We'd had tentative plans to move in together in the middle of May (when her roommate is moving out), but a few days ago, I told her I wasn't sure because we've been having so many issues lately. She got pissed, said I didn't love her, said I didn't want to commit to her, all this stuff... none of it true. I do love her and I am committed to her. I just think things are moving a little fast.
You: "I don't think moving together right now is a good idea because I'm not sure if we work out longterm."
Instead you choose to say that you "aren't sure" (Either you WANT to move in with her or you DON'T. Saying "I'm not sure" is the "nice way" of saying you don't want to. Therefor the above sentence is what she heard, that is why she exploded.
Her conclusion is that you "Don't want to commit" (true, since you don't want to take things further) and therefor you "don't love her" because people who love each other are willing to commit.
How to solve? Frame it differently. "Have you thought about what we're going to do if we don't get our shit together?" - the issue should be that you two as partners have to invest more suddenly and you're afraid that investing more means drifting apart. You're engaging this discussion because you love her and want to make things work.
Fast forward to Sunday. I come over not exactly in the best mood because of our recent issues, and she explodes on me about this other girl. Says she can't trust me anymore, says I've been lying to her, etc... all this shit. and tells me I have to cut this other person out of my life even though I'm being completely 100% honest that we're purely friends, and nothing sexual has happened with this other girl while I've been dating my current girl. I mean, for fuck's sake, I've hung out with this female friend of mine a grand total of about 3 times in the last year, two times because we had incidental contact on our college campus (and we ended up sitting and talking for a while) and one time because I asked her to talk with me on campus.
Notice above that she established the frame that you don't want to commit further because you "love her less" all of a sudden? Dingdingding. You just successfully triggered all the possible fears she could have about losing you, congratulations. She doesn't even have to believe that you are into this other girl, but she has to make sure to give you hell for it because maybe you crack under pressure, admit everything and she knows where she's at again. She isn't in your face because she has trust issues or no self-esteem, she perceives herself to be in a corner which only allows her self-esteem to be super small.
Framing 101:
If she says "I feel as if you're cheating on me" (note the emotional focus) and you say "No, I don't" (note the logical focus) you accept her frame that you're emotionally cheating on her. A possible solution to this dilemma would be a "Why would I? I love you." but this exposes you to the next slap which leads towards "Are you attracted to other women?" (to which you can't really say "no") and ultimately to threads called "She told me to stop watching porn what do I do now?"
Your other option is to ridicule her statement. Yes, that's correct. "Yes, I do. On the way from work to you I had sex with my secretary in the car and I invited that friend of mine to your elevator so I could fit her in too. *shift to soothing tone* Jesus, relax. I'm into you and not into someone you might be a bit afraid of. Are you?"
Reframe her asking you if you're cheating into what is really going on: Her being afraid of another woman being a better catch than hers which would be a reason for you to leave her.
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It's been a day, what happened dude??? Did you break it, or did you talk to her, or what happened?
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still friends with 'this girl' aka the girl you dubbed bitchface because she had the audacity to feel led on after you had been keeping her around as plan b and told her that there's a chance for you two in the future
do you still think your girlfriend is oblivious to the total lack of respect you have for her, as you have demonstrated in all of your blogs
granted you both sound immature and mildly retarded, which is pretty par for the course in college relationships, but you're a huge asshole to boot and still don't seem to notice!
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Girls don't like it when you explain to them why you're right and they're wrong. You're never going to convince her with logic and reasoning. You basically have to seed in her your ideas, but at the same time convincing her that she came to those conclusions herself.
And it might not honestly be as clear as it seems, that she's just crazy. There might be other stuff going on. If you really want to stay with her then you've gotta have a long investigative talk with her, just asking questions, not being mad, being calm and understanding and stuff might be resolved. When someone is paranoid about things like this it's probably because they are guilty of the same, or they've been victims of it in the past. Either way it's not particularly healthy and something they need to work out.
But quite honestly, half a year, and this kind of craziness? I think it's time to get out. Explain to her that you love her, or however it is you feel for her, but that her crazy behaviours and insecurity is toxic. A relationship like this is not healthy, and is not going to have a great future. She has issues, and you don't know how to handle girls like that. There has to be a lot of understanding and enduring, which it sounds like you can't do. In your mind you are 100% and you just have to demonstrate that to her. She's not going to go for that, and you're not going to back down, so better to break it off, let her know why, and just move on.
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To be honest if she's worth it, I would cut off contact with the other girl like you said. I am lucky enough to be in a relationship where we both don't like the idea of each other being too cosy with opposite gender straight friends, so we just have a blanket embargo on meeting up with them 1 on 1 and also I agreed not to 'like' pictures of female friends on facebook. To be honest it's a small sacrifice...I couldn't really care less. She's obviously an insecure person, you have to decide whether or not you want to accomodate her insecurity. You could tell her to buck up her ideas but you're not going to heal the insecurity with a few talks or well stated phrases.
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On April 10 2013 23:26 QuanticHawk wrote:
still friends with 'this girl' aka the girl you dubbed bitchface because she had the audacity to feel led on after you had been keeping her around as plan b and told her that there's a chance for you two in the future
do you still think your girlfriend is oblivious to the total lack of respect you have for her, as you have demonstrated in all of your blogs
granted you both sound immature and mildly retarded, which is pretty par for the course in college relationships, but you're a huge asshole to boot and still don't seem to notice!
This is pretty much what I was thinking but too lazy to type given how ignorant and defensive you sound right now.
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On April 11 2013 01:35 Feartheguru wrote:Show nested quote +On April 10 2013 23:26 QuanticHawk wrote:
still friends with 'this girl' aka the girl you dubbed bitchface because she had the audacity to feel led on after you had been keeping her around as plan b and told her that there's a chance for you two in the future
do you still think your girlfriend is oblivious to the total lack of respect you have for her, as you have demonstrated in all of your blogs
granted you both sound immature and mildly retarded, which is pretty par for the course in college relationships, but you're a huge asshole to boot and still don't seem to notice!
This is pretty much what I was thinking but too lazy to type given how ignorant and defensive you sound right now.
I don't claim to have all the answers, hence why this blog was posted in the first place. and I fail to see how I'm being overly defensive when most people here agree that these particular problems are stemming from her issues, and even then, I'm doing my absolute best to compromise with her and understand where she's coming from so we can have a mutual understanding and fix it. I'm not an idiot when it comes to relationships. I know it's largely about communication and being able to figure shit out with your significant other. and for god's sake, stop acting like the fact that I have disagreements with my girlfriend and vent about them (which EVERYONE does in one medium or another) somehow makes me disrespectful of her. The fact that I'm willing to work with her highly emotional nature (which she herself admits) and still do my best to understand her and meet her in the middle when we have issues should be proof enough that I respect her and her wants. If I didn't respect her, I'd walk out in a heartbeat because dealing with all of the stress wouldn't be worth it.
Now that that's out of the way, we talked last night. There was lots of crying, harsh words, etc... It came really close to just being done because I told her I didn't love her as much as I used to and she walked out. I thought it was done but two minutes later, she came back and we talked more, calmed down, and then had somewhat of a normal night. Then, this morning, she called me and told me she changed her mind about the moving in thing and that she wants to try and rekindle our relationship. Seeing as how the move-in was the thing weighing most heavily on my mind, I instantly feel way better about the whole thing and I'm willing to try and work it out and see where it goes.
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Tell her you're sorry, that you're ready to commit and offer her a ring as proof that you've matured.
A cool way to give her the ring would be to have it hanging on the same key ring as the key to your new mutual apartment.
Congratulations on finding 'the one', not everyone does. You're lucky to have done so so early.
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On April 11 2013 04:48 Thrill wrote:
Tell her you're sorry, that you're ready to commit and offer her a ring as proof that you've matured.
A cool way to give her the ring would be to have it hanging on the same key ring as the key to your new mutual apartment.
Congratulations on finding 'the one', not everyone does. You're lucky to have done so so early.
Thread is over man no arguing here. Just tell her you don't want to be in a relationship because she is being a crazy moron, and you're both way too immature to move in together.
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On April 11 2013 04:33 iamahydralisk wrote:Show nested quote +On April 11 2013 01:35 Feartheguru wrote:On April 10 2013 23:26 QuanticHawk wrote:
still friends with 'this girl' aka the girl you dubbed bitchface because she had the audacity to feel led on after you had been keeping her around as plan b and told her that there's a chance for you two in the future
do you still think your girlfriend is oblivious to the total lack of respect you have for her, as you have demonstrated in all of your blogs
granted you both sound immature and mildly retarded, which is pretty par for the course in college relationships, but you're a huge asshole to boot and still don't seem to notice!
This is pretty much what I was thinking but too lazy to type given how ignorant and defensive you sound right now. I don't claim to have all the answers, hence why this blog was posted in the first place. and I fail to see how I'm being overly defensive when most people here agree that these particular problems are stemming from her issues, and even then, I'm doing my absolute best to compromise with her and understand where she's coming from so we can have a mutual understanding and fix it. I'm not an idiot when it comes to relationships. I know it's largely about communication and being able to figure shit out with your significant other. and for god's sake, stop acting like the fact that I have disagreements with my girlfriend and vent about them (which EVERYONE does in one medium or another) somehow makes me disrespectful of her. The fact that I'm willing to work with her highly emotional nature (which she herself admits) and still do my best to understand her and meet her in the middle when we have issues should be proof enough that I respect her and her wants. If I didn't respect her, I'd walk out in a heartbeat because dealing with all of the stress wouldn't be worth it. Now that that's out of the way, we talked last night. There was lots of crying, harsh words, etc... It came really close to just being done because I told her I didn't love her as much as I used to and she walked out. I thought it was done but two minutes later, she came back and we talked more, calmed down, and then had somewhat of a normal night. Then, this morning, she called me and told me she changed her mind about the moving in thing and that she wants to try and rekindle our relationship. Seeing as how the move-in was the thing weighing most heavily on my mind, I instantly feel way better about the whole thing and I'm willing to try and work it out and see where it goes.
considering the amount of dumb girl blogs filled with ridiculous problems that are posted here, i would not be using the approval of your girl blogging peers of evidence of you being right
anytime someone has posted a comment that isnt a slap on the back, you immediately start arguing that 'hey maybe i did stuff once... BUT THIS IS ALL ON HER GUYS LOOK HOW CRAZY SHE IS!!!!'
i look forward to the next iteration of 'I hate my stupid girlfriend and want to dump her', and then the follow up to that where you flip her for bitch face in the span of a week
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On April 12 2013 00:23 QuanticHawk wrote:Show nested quote +On April 11 2013 04:33 iamahydralisk wrote:On April 11 2013 01:35 Feartheguru wrote:On April 10 2013 23:26 QuanticHawk wrote:
still friends with 'this girl' aka the girl you dubbed bitchface because she had the audacity to feel led on after you had been keeping her around as plan b and told her that there's a chance for you two in the future
do you still think your girlfriend is oblivious to the total lack of respect you have for her, as you have demonstrated in all of your blogs
granted you both sound immature and mildly retarded, which is pretty par for the course in college relationships, but you're a huge asshole to boot and still don't seem to notice!
This is pretty much what I was thinking but too lazy to type given how ignorant and defensive you sound right now. I don't claim to have all the answers, hence why this blog was posted in the first place. and I fail to see how I'm being overly defensive when most people here agree that these particular problems are stemming from her issues, and even then, I'm doing my absolute best to compromise with her and understand where she's coming from so we can have a mutual understanding and fix it. I'm not an idiot when it comes to relationships. I know it's largely about communication and being able to figure shit out with your significant other. and for god's sake, stop acting like the fact that I have disagreements with my girlfriend and vent about them (which EVERYONE does in one medium or another) somehow makes me disrespectful of her. The fact that I'm willing to work with her highly emotional nature (which she herself admits) and still do my best to understand her and meet her in the middle when we have issues should be proof enough that I respect her and her wants. If I didn't respect her, I'd walk out in a heartbeat because dealing with all of the stress wouldn't be worth it. Now that that's out of the way, we talked last night. There was lots of crying, harsh words, etc... It came really close to just being done because I told her I didn't love her as much as I used to and she walked out. I thought it was done but two minutes later, she came back and we talked more, calmed down, and then had somewhat of a normal night. Then, this morning, she called me and told me she changed her mind about the moving in thing and that she wants to try and rekindle our relationship. Seeing as how the move-in was the thing weighing most heavily on my mind, I instantly feel way better about the whole thing and I'm willing to try and work it out and see where it goes. considering the amount of dumb girl blogs filled with ridiculous problems that are posted here, i would not be using the approval of your girl blogging peers of evidence of you being right anytime someone has posted a comment that isnt a slap on the back, you immediately start arguing that 'hey maybe i did stuff once... BUT THIS IS ALL ON HER GUYS LOOK HOW CRAZY SHE IS!!!!' i look forward to the next iteration of 'I hate my stupid girlfriend and want to dump her', and then the follow up to that where you flip her for bitch face in the span of a week
it's odd how you'd draw the conclusion that I'm blaming her entirely, seeing as how I actually typed pretty much the opposite of that. but ok man.
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Honestly, I think the best thing you can do is try to arouse her suspicions as much as possible. Like put on as if there is an affair going on and leave clues everywhere for her to find. Then, when she is at her most paranoid, make it seem like you are sneaking out to go on a date with her. And leave her enough info to follow after you to see what happens. Then, when she stares in through the foggy window, her heart filled with fury and bitter betrayal, she sees you browsing the glass-encased displays at Jared's while talking to a woman. We'll call her Beverly. And you're talking to her about engagement rings for your lovely girlfriend (who is crazy).
Then she will realize the terrible foolishness of her ways, and she will come to love you for the honest, upstanding treasure of a man that you are.
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it's only gonna get worse if you stay. time to bail
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I have had the EXACT same problem, but what I have found is that normally when girls explode it is often the cause of the loss of adequate sex. Women are craving the D, and nothing else will satisfy them.
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EPT
