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Among other things.
Let's see, where to begin... My girlfriend and I have had a pretty rocky relationship. Lots of ups and downs. Recently, our biggest issue came from the prospect of us moving in together. We'd had tentative plans to move in together in the middle of May (when her roommate is moving out), but a few days ago, I told her I wasn't sure because we've been having so many issues lately. She got pissed, said I didn't love her, said I didn't want to commit to her, all this stuff... none of it true. I do love her and I am committed to her. I just think things are moving a little fast. We've been dating for less than a year, so I don't think I'm being unreasonable for feeling like things are moving too quickly. On that day when I told her that I wasn't sure if I was ready, I got her calmed down and then we had a "secret sharing" session of sorts. I don't even remember how we got onto the topic, but it was just a time when we were sharing little things we might not have been completely honest about. I told her there was a girl that I'd had some past dates with that I was still talking to (and told her that this girl still had feelings for me but we were just friends, honestly). She told me she'd had feelings for one of her guy friends that I'd met, and also that she'd had a girlfriend in the past that I didn't know about. I knew she'd had one but she told me about this other girl. We seemed fine that night, but then...
Fast forward to Sunday. I come over not exactly in the best mood because of our recent issues, and she explodes on me about this other girl. Says she can't trust me anymore, says I've been lying to her, etc... all this shit. and tells me I have to cut this other person out of my life even though I'm being completely 100% honest that we're purely friends, and nothing sexual has happened with this other girl while I've been dating my current girl. I mean, for fuck's sake, I've hung out with this female friend of mine a grand total of about 3 times in the last year, two times because we had incidental contact on our college campus (and we ended up sitting and talking for a while) and one time because I asked her to talk with me on campus. After all this (or during, I can't remember exactly when), my girlfriend admitted to me that she'd gone through my phone, totally invaded my privacy. I didn't really react when she told me, but now that I've thought about it more, I'm fucking pissed. gonna talk to her about that tonight. I've never broken up with someone and I don't really know how to, but I might have to tonight.
There's just so much shit that I'm having a hard time dealing with here. First, it's the fact that she's so insecure that she wants me to cut out a good friend of mine. and it's the fact that she's a huuuuuuuuge hypocrite... here's the story on that. This girlfriend I didn't know about until she told me; well, I didn't know they had that sort of relationship... a few months into our (as in my girlfriend and me) relationship, this girl came over to her place one night just to hang out. alone. and now I wonder if something happened. it bothers the hell out of me because my girl exploded on me when all I've had is casual contact with this girl I once had feelings for, and now I'm making sure we stay just friends. I didn't fucking invite her over one night to hang out with me, alone. I already brought this point up to my girl last night but her reaction was something to the effect of "oops, my bad" and then it just got blown off. I need her to realize that she's done exactly what she unloaded on me for, and IMO what she did was worse.
then there's the fact that she completely invaded my privacy and proved she doesn't trust me when she snooped through my phone. she didn't find anything, obviously. because I've been honest and faithful the whole time we've been together. I don't know where to go from here because without trust, what do we have, really? she doesn't trust me (for NO good reason) and to make it even worse, I know that a lot of the time, people who aren't trusting of their significant other and do shit like snooping through their phone/email are secretly guilty about something they've done and they're projecting that onto their partner. or searching for something their partner has also done so they don't have to feel so bad. I did trust my girl completely, but now, I can't help but wonder what she's hiding.
overall, I know what I should do but I don't know how. This relationship feels stifling and nearly dead to me. I need to end it. Until she can let go of past relationship issues (the source of her lack of trust) and take me for me.
 
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United States3824 Posts
If you can't be with her, and you still care about her then you need to break it off. If you draw this out and she goes into her next relationship thinking that it is okay to act that way she's in for an unhappy life.
Tough luck bro 
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United States22883 Posts
Upgrade Muscular Augments and get the fuck out of there.
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You don't trust her, she doesn't trust you, communication's not working = time to break up.
If there's no trust, what else is there?
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This sounds like a horrible waste of time and you should probably get out while you still have all of your fingers in tact.
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SoCal, USA3955 Posts
You said you guys are less than a year into the relationship with lots of up and downs, moving in together seems kinda quick to me too. Plus on top of that you were faithful all this time and she completely crosses the line snooping in your privacy. From this post it seems like this is trouble. I would jump ship before things get worse. :x (and I am a girl.) If she can't get over her trust issues with you, she is gonna have a hard time in the future with other relationships (if this one doesn't go on for much longer.) I just hope she doesn't try to pull crazy crap on you.
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Before you go and end it, talk to her. Literally go to her place and talk it over with her. Don't talk over the phone, talk in person. Tell her you need her to be completely honest with you in that moment and be completely honest with her. Tell her you can't keep the relationship like it is, and giver her a second chance. Tell her why you think it is too early to move in, and tell her that the reactions she has been having have been WAYY too strong for what you have done or said; which, btw, everything you've done is levelheaded. Tell her if she doesn't comply to that, you are straight up walking out and if she does she has a chance at you not walking out. Tell her all of that, if you can make the relationship good, do it, if not, end it.
Pretty much read the blog to her and tell her to be upfront with you.
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United Kingdom20285 Posts
Maybe it's because you are a hydralisk
Seriously though, i would end it. Do what Docvoc said
Maybe get some overlords to drop creep for the 50% speed boost on the way out when things go south
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United States10153 Posts
why would you move in together if you are having problems. thats even worse to be with each other pretty much through the whole day while mistrusting each other.
had to be done. hapns.
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On April 10 2013 10:10 FlaShFTW wrote:
why would you move in together if you are having problems. thats even worse to be with each other pretty much through the whole day while mistrusting each other.
had to be done. hapns.
she somehow thinks it'll make our problems better, which I think is crazy talk.
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Canada5155 Posts
On April 10 2013 10:03 docvoc wrote:
Pretty much read the blog to her and tell her to be upfront with you.
Yeah straight up
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On April 10 2013 10:22 iamahydralisk wrote:Show nested quote +On April 10 2013 10:10 FlaShFTW wrote:
why would you move in together if you are having problems. thats even worse to be with each other pretty much through the whole day while mistrusting each other.
had to be done. hapns. she somehow thinks it'll make our problems better, which I think is crazy talk.
Yeah man you're right there. I had a friend who's gf and him were having problems. She wanted to get married to help their relationship so he thank god he broke that shit off. A month later she was dating his next-door neighbour that looks just like him and trying to get him to marry her. Crazy people will rush commitment so you can't abandon their crazy asses.
Back on your problem, take a last ditch effort at communicating with her. Show her this blog (or something very similar, don't sugarcoat how this bullshit makes you feel), that way you know you're getting across how you feel, and if she still doesn't trust you or believe you then she craycray.
gl man
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Gunna be honest, I stopped reading halfway through. Not because I don't feel for you, but because (as others have noted) it's time for you to break up with her. Drama is a real killer in a relationship; girls like to cause a shitstorm just to see if she can get away with being irrational.
With any relationship, the best approach to dealing with drama is to prevent it from happening in the first place. Whenever the girl you are dating starts stirring up a shitstorm, don't cave in to her accusations or demands. Don't get defensive, don't apologize, don't bend to her will. Seek to understand why she's making a big fuss about something.
Her: You don't love me anymore!
You: Why do you think that?
Her: [insert crazy]
You: I'm pissed that you would even think that. I treat you well, I talk to you, I share my deepest secrets with you, I go out of my way to spend time with you.
Then follow up with kicking her out of your house. Or, if you're at her place, state that you're leaving. Show her you mean business, and that you won't stand for anything ridiculous drama.
Nip it in the bud 
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Get the fuck out of this shit.
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Canada13389 Posts
Less than a year.
Lots of ups and downs.
No trust.
Sorry man, but that ain't a relationship.
How to break up? Tell her why and then leave. She'll cry, she'll have a hard time, then she will realise that she needs to deal with her trust issues. That or, she will think you went off with the other girl and go batshit nutso.
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a) I'm not sure how serious and/or mature this relationship is, so there's a good chance that it is in fact time for it to be over. You're the best judge of that. If you do think that it's just over, then the rest of my post isn't going to help you. But if you think the relationship is worth it, then I hope I can be helpful.
b) Honestly, both of you are acting in somewhat understandable ways (at least from the information I have). A lot of people here are going to take your side and tell you that she's acting crazy, but I don't think she is, at least not more than a lot of people would. In fact, I see a lot of parallels between how you and her are reacting to this. You know that you're just friends with this girl but how is she supposed to know that? And she might also just be friends with that girl but how are you supposed to know that? It's natural to worry about stuff like that, and when it comes to relationships the stakes are always going to be higher and people are always going to react more on their emotions.
c) Emotions are emotions. And jealousy happens. If she's feeling jealous and worried then that's how she's feeling. Don't blame her for it, because it's not crazy to feel that way. Remember that she doesn't have the information that you do, and trusting someone isn't that easy. People make it sound easy, but it's really not. Honestly, it sounds like you might even be having some problems trusting her at this point. Trust is hard, and is a constant and never-ending process. Trust me, after a year, you don't fully trust her. You just trust her enough that you never need to worry about it in daily situations. That's incredibly far from absolute trust.
d) Cheating isn't just sexual. People always forget this. But there is such a thing as emotionally cheating on someone, even outside of the physical cheating that it often leads to. The problem is that the line is much harder to define and differs between people. Some people are comfortable with their significant other having someone that they are very close to and share a lot with, and some aren't (also, opposite sex/previous attraction doesn't help). Because these boundaries aren't nearly as well-defined as physical ones, it's much harder to find a balance that works for both of you. Also, people are always going to be defensive about your friends, which is what it sounds like you're being. The "she's just a really good friend that I like talking with" argument that you're using is perfectly valid, but that doesn't negate her concerns.
e) It's not about who did the worse thing, and it will never end well if it comes down to that. If you want to make this work, then you have to address her concerns about your behavior/situation and be able to come to a compromise/understanding regarding that. And then she needs to do the same for your concerns. Trading blows will never work.
f) Don't project motivations onto her. It can only be harmful and it's rarely right either way. Dismissing her concerns like that is terrible for a relationship. I think all concerns should be valid when they have them. Even if you think that they come from X deeper issue, that isn't relevant at that point. In a relationship, you still have to work together (not one-sided) to understand and address those concerns. If you do think that it's a result of some other issue, then you bring it up at some other time. Never bring it up as an excuse to ignore her concern. Bring it up as your own concern later, after you have resolved the current issue and when neither of you are in the midst of an emotional argument. Otherwise you're only escalating the argument and showing that you don't respect her concerns. DON'T blame it on her insecurity, and DON'T blame it on her past. If you want to address those issues, wait for a calmer time and then bring them up.
g) It sounds to me that you've had just as much of a hand in creating your relationship problems as she has. Maybe more maybe less, but that doesn't really matter. If you can't admit that you're at fault just like she is, and if you can't get over who is more at fault, then it's not going to get much better. It's not about you giving her a second chance, it's about both of you giving each other a second chance and both of you taking each other up on that chance.
h) Oh, and from my skimming, ignore what most people here have said. From what I've seen, most of them are telling you to get out of the relationship because she's terrible. From the information you've given us, I don't see how it's possible to make that judgement. As I said, you might be able to decide whether this relationship is worth it to you, but I'm pretty sure that no one here can.
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On April 10 2013 11:29 theonemephisto wrote:
a) I'm not sure how serious and/or mature this relationship is, so there's a good chance that it is in fact time for it to be over. You're the best judge of that. If you do think that it's just over, then the rest of my post isn't going to help you. But if you think the relationship is worth it, then I hope I can be helpful.
b) Honestly, both of you are acting in somewhat understandable ways (at least from the information I have). A lot of people here are going to take your side and tell you that she's acting crazy, but I don't think she is, at least not more than a lot of people would. In fact, I see a lot of parallels between how you and her are reacting to this. You know that you're just friends with this girl but how is she supposed to know that? And she might also just be friends with that girl but how are you supposed to know that? It's natural to worry about stuff like that, and when it comes to relationships the stakes are always going to be higher and people are always going to react more on their emotions.
c) Emotions are emotions. And jealousy happens. If she's feeling jealous and worried then that's how she's feeling. Don't blame her for it, because it's not crazy to feel that way. Remember that she doesn't have the information that you do, and trusting someone isn't that easy. People make it sound easy, but it's really not. Honestly, it sounds like you might even be having some problems trusting her at this point. Trust is hard, and is a constant and never-ending process. Trust me, after a year, you don't fully trust her. You just trust her enough that you never need to worry about it in daily situations. That's incredibly far from absolute trust.
d) Cheating isn't just sexual. People always forget this. But there is such a thing as emotionally cheating on someone, even outside of the physical cheating that it often leads to. The problem is that the line is much harder to define and differs between people. Some people are comfortable with their significant other having someone that they are very close to and share a lot with, and some aren't (also, opposite sex/previous attraction doesn't help). Because these boundaries aren't nearly as well-defined as physical ones, it's much harder to find a balance that works for both of you. Also, people are always going to be defensive about your friends, which is what it sounds like you're being. The "she's just a really good friend that I like talking with" argument that you're using is perfectly valid, but that doesn't negate her concerns.
e) It's not about who did the worse thing, and it will never end well if it comes down to that. If you want to make this work, then you have to address her concerns about your behavior/situation and be able to come to a compromise/understanding regarding that. And then she needs to do the same for your concerns. Trading blows will never work.
f) Don't project motivations onto her. It can only be harmful and it's rarely right either way. Dismissing her concerns like that is terrible for a relationship. I think all concerns should be valid when they have them. Even if you think that they come from X deeper issue, that isn't relevant at that point. In a relationship, you still have to work together (not one-sided) to understand and address those concerns. If you do think that it's a result of some other issue, then you bring it up at some other time. Never bring it up as an excuse to ignore her concern. Bring it up as your own concern later, after you have resolved the current issue and when neither of you are in the midst of an emotional argument. Otherwise you're only escalating the argument and showing that you don't respect her concerns. DON'T blame it on her insecurity, and DON'T blame it on her past. If you want to address those issues, wait for a calmer time and then bring them up.
g) It sounds to me that you've had just as much of a hand in creating your relationship problems as she has. Maybe more maybe less, but that doesn't really matter. If you can't admit that you're at fault just like she is, and if you can't get over who is more at fault, then it's not going to get much better.
to respond to your points:
b) She should believe me when I tell her that there's nothing going on. Just like I'd believe her if she told me nothing happened that night.
c) I've told her everything and she still doesn't trust me, which is the issue.
g) Of course I've had a hand in our relationship problems and I've absolutely had some fuckups in the past, but these recent problems are honestly mostly her.
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and h) the relationship is worth it if we can have trust and be happy. it's not worth it if it's just gonna be more distrust, fighting and other bullshit.
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When I was younger I used to believe that I trusted my significant others. I now realize that it's not that simple. Trust isn't a requirements for a relationship and most relationships probably don't have real trust. Just enough trust that it doesn't cause problems in daily life. But real trust is really hard and can only be built over a long time and with a lot of hard work.
What's more important than trust in relationships is that you both respect each other's concerns and both work together to deal with them. Relationships don't usually end because there isn't trust, because trust isn't the simple binary state that a lot of people view it as. Relationships end when one person starts ignoring/dismissing the other's concerns instead of respecting and listening to them. And from everything that you've said, you've reached that stage with her (it also sounds like she might have reached that state with you, but I don't have enough information to say). You constantly refer to her concerns as "bullshit" and dismiss them as results of other issues, implying that they aren't real issues.
People think that relationships are built on trust, but I really don't think that they are. Yes, they require a basic level of trust. But relationships are really built on mutual respect and communication. Real trust is a byproduct of relationships, not a prerequisite, and it only comes much later.
On April 10 2013 11:38 iamahydralisk wrote:
... but these recent problems are honestly mostly her.
I don't think that's true. From how I read it:
1) Some stuff happened that caused her to have a concern. Whether this concern is necessarily justified is kind of irrelevant at this point. That's the stuff that you talk about after you work to address her concern. And honestly, from my limited information I think that it's a perfectly justified concern. As I said, emotional cheating is real, trust isn't nearly as easy as you characterize it, and jealousy and worrying happen.
2) She confronts you about it. Maybe not in the best way, which isn't good. But you then dismiss her concerns, get defensive, and then flip it around and make it about something that she did. None of those are constructive ways of addressing her concerns, and all of them are escalatory.
3) She admits that she went through your phone. Definitely a bad action by her.
From that characterization, I see faults on both sides. Maybe you could say that it's more you or more her, but again, that's not really a relevant or useful characterization. You don't solve issues by deciding who is more to blame.
But anyway, I'm really not here to argue about who's at fault in your relationship. I just wanted to offer advice from my experience in relationships. If you think it's good advice and want to take it then do, and if you think I'm wrong or full of shit then that's okay too. I don't claim to be an expert, and I don't have a lot of information about your situation. It's all up to what you want to do.
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I don't feel like I dismissed her concerns. I explained to her exactly what was going on (the fact that I was just friends with this girl and that was the way it was going to stay) and she didn't believe me. Big difference there. I did my best to calm her concerns but she wouldn't listen. That's exactly the issue. The fact that I've been completely open with her but she still doesn't trust me for reasons I don't understand. Also, it's not my intent to flip anything around on her. I want her to realize how hypocritical it is for her to blow up on me for this, but when I bring up something very similar that she's done, she doesn't seem to care much.
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EPT
