EPT[Girl] Girlfriend doesn't trust me - Page 2
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iamahydralisk
United States813 Posts
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Blisse
Canada3710 Posts
In your mind, she's the only one that doesn't understand. You're clearly innocent, she just can't understand that even though I've tried. Well, guess what, if she doesn't understand your innocence, you're not displaying your innocence properly. Take the blame and stop trying to blame her for not understanding. When you tell her that she has done the same things in the past, you're basically admitting your guilt there. And you should never be resulting to personal attacks to shield yourself from a personal attack. Take a deep breath and actually try to understand where she's coming from and explain to her where you are not coming from. If either of you get angry, step away until you're calm again. If you really want to make a relationship work you can't simply agh about it. And if you feel the trust between you is broken because she invaded your phone then there's really not much to say. As a general rule of thumb, if you want the relationship, you should enter the relationship with the absolute mindset that everything that happens is your fault, and that she's perfect. Miscommunication? You didn't communicate your thoughts properly. Trust issues? You're not showing her that you're trustworthy enough. She's jealous? Either she's insecure or you're doing things that in her eyes feel very betrayal-y. If you want to keep it, work on your own part, not on hers. You're not supposed to try to change your partner. If you don't want to do all that, then just break it up. | ||
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dreamsmasher
816 Posts
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iamahydralisk
United States813 Posts
On April 10 2013 12:53 Blisse wrote: Both of you need to grow up. Either calmly talk about the issues at hand and make an honest apology and effort to reconcile, or break up. You're both behaving very childishly. In your mind, she's the only one that doesn't understand. You're clearly innocent, she just can't understand that even though I've tried. Well, guess what, if she doesn't understand your innocence, you're not displaying your innocence properly. Take the blame and stop trying to blame her for not understanding. When you tell her that she has done the same things in the past, you're basically admitting your guilt there. And you should never be resulting to personal attacks to shield yourself from a personal attack. Take a deep breath and actually try to understand where she's coming from and explain to her where you are not coming from. If either of you get angry, step away until you're calm again. If you really want to make a relationship work you can't simply agh about it. And if you feel the trust between you is broken because she invaded your phone then there's really not much to say. As a general rule of thumb, if you want the relationship, you should enter the relationship with the absolute mindset that everything that happens is your fault, and that she's perfect. Miscommunication? You didn't communicate your thoughts properly. Trust issues? You're not showing her that you're trustworthy enough. She's jealous? Either she's insecure or you're doing things that in her eyes feel very betrayal-y. If you want to keep it, work on your own part, not on hers. You're not supposed to try to change your partner. If you don't want to do all that, then just break it up. If you read my subsequent posts in the topic, I fully admit that some of the problems are my fault and that I've made some mistakes in the relationship. So no, I'm not claiming I'm completely innocent. Also, getting her to admit that she's done the same thing is much less about guilt and much more about showing her that it's a double standard and it's unacceptable. This isn't the first time something like this has happened (situations where we both did the same thing, she got pissed at me but didn't seem to care as much that she'd done the same thing) and I want her to realize that it's happening. We obviously disagree about the privacy invasion thing because that's a HUGE red flag because it shows she doesn't trust me enough to believe what I tell her. And finally, no, I will not enter any relationship with the mindset that I'm always wrong. Nobody is worth that much trouble and a good relationship has balance; not a one-sided charade where one person is always wrong. An attitude like that is basically going to lead to me being her bitch, and neither of us want that. Straight women don't want to date guys who pussy out in every argument and always take the blame. From my own experiences and everything I've seen, women get "comfortable" with guys like that (read: bored and wanting something new and exciting). I'm not saying you should be constantly belligerent and never willing to give an inch, but you have to be willing to hold your ground, to a point. | ||
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im a roc
United States745 Posts
Your whole OP made me shudder, because I've been in a relationship almost exactly like that. For me it lasted two years, but it was stifling, constricting, and something I really didn't want, even though I thought I did at the time. I loved it until I looked at my life objectively and realized she had made me push away all of my other friends, it was a together alone/forever alone sort of thing. When I realized I didn't want it, I was too afraid to end it because I cared so much about her and didn't want to hurt her, so I ended up dragging it out too long and then soft peddling the breakup. Fucking worst ideas any man has ever had ever. I still get something like 10 texts a week from her, ranging from "you're so cruel how could you do this to me" to "I'm so sorry I'll do anything to get you back" (mind you, this relationship ended a year ago). What I learned from my experience is that if you're not happy with a relationship, neither of you can be. If you realize it's not what you want, then that will come through and manifest itself in situations like yours, where mistrust and miscommunications get in the way of everything. You've obviously made up your mind, you're angry at her and at this whole situation, and you've decided that you're not happy. Regardless of who's to blame, it's not working, and I honestly believe the only option for anyone in that position is to break it off. I really don't think you can be happy with her again, and even if it were possible, I don't know if it's worth it, that'd be up to you. Given the information you've told us, I'd end it, and end it thoroughly. Believe me, you don't want any crazy ex girlfriends stalking you. Nobody does. From personal experience, it sucks. | ||
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Imabomb
United States36 Posts
Ask the right questions and you will get the answers you want. Have you asked "Why do you not trust me?"( get to the roots of it) and keep pressing her on why. If there is no reason that she will tell you then there is a problem. She might just be attached and thinks you will leave her. These are just random thoughts nothing really serious. PS: Is she the girl in the other [girl blogs] you wrote? | ||
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iamahydralisk
United States813 Posts
EDIT: she has low self esteem and abandonment issues. she always tells me she's amazed I picked her over all the other girls. I've been trying to build her up from the day we started dating, but it hasn't really worked :/ | ||
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Imabomb
United States36 Posts
Edit: ask her why she is with you and tell her "why are you with her" | ||
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crayhasissues
United States682 Posts
On April 10 2013 13:35 iamahydralisk wrote: yes, same girl. and yes, that's close to the reason she doesn't trust me. it's ironic because she's pushing me away by acting that way. EDIT: she has low self esteem and abandonment issues. she always tells me she's amazed I picked her over all the other girls. I've been trying to build her up from the day we started dating, but it hasn't really worked :/ I don't think you can really build up anyone's self-esteem by yourself (hence the moniker self-esteem). That being said, if you care about this girl, sit down with her and talk to her in a calm and logical manner. If she isn't willing to communicate the problems she has with you and this girl, than I don't think there is really anything else you can do. Let her know that you are willing to give you guys a second chance, but she has to want it also and communicate properly the concerns with the relationship that need fixing. Best of luck my friend. | ||
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DarkPlasmaBall
United States45430 Posts
On April 10 2013 09:07 Jibba wrote: Upgrade Muscular Augments and get the fuck out of there. Perhaps he needs to research ventral sacs and end it right now  hydralisk, insecurity is (unfortunately) something that doesn't tend to go away. If she's snooping through your stuff, mad at you for being honest and open, and insisting that you move in with her (probably to keep an eye on you), then I think those are pretty good reasons to quit while you're... only a year behind. It's not you, it's her... but you should end things now before your girlfriend becomes even more obsessive and overprotective. You may be a hydralisk, but she's going to become a stalker. | ||
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Cyro
United Kingdom20326 Posts
Less than a year. Lots of ups and downs. No trust. Sorry man, but that ain't a relationship. How to break up? Tell her why and then leave. She'll cry, she'll have a hard time, then she will realise that she needs to deal with her trust issues. That or, she will think you went off with the other girl and go batshit nutso. Thanks for this, it actually reminds me very much of a certain someone | ||
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B.I.G.
3251 Posts
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Blisse
Canada3710 Posts
On April 10 2013 13:06 iamahydralisk wrote: If you read my subsequent posts in the topic, I fully admit that some of the problems are my fault and that I've made some mistakes in the relationship. So no, I'm not claiming I'm completely innocent. Also, getting her to admit that she's done the same thing is much less about guilt and much more about showing her that it's a double standard and it's unacceptable. This isn't the first time something like this has happened (situations where we both did the same thing, she got pissed at me but didn't seem to care as much that she'd done the same thing) and I want her to realize that it's happening. We obviously disagree about the privacy invasion thing because that's a HUGE red flag because it shows she doesn't trust me enough to believe what I tell her. And finally, no, I will not enter any relationship with the mindset that I'm always wrong. Nobody is worth that much trouble and a good relationship has balance; not a one-sided charade where one person is always wrong. An attitude like that is basically going to lead to me being her bitch, and neither of us want that. Straight women don't want to date guys who pussy out in every argument and always take the blame. From my own experiences and everything I've seen, women get "comfortable" with guys like that (read: bored and wanting something new and exciting). I'm not saying you should be constantly belligerent and never willing to give an inch, but you have to be willing to hold your ground, to a point. No, you can admit you're wrong and still be firm in your attitude. If they do something stupid, then it's completely your decision to leave. It's the concept of not trying to change someone that you're missing, instead thinking that this means you have to be submissive. You're entering the relationship with the idea that you want it to be a balanced relationship. Yet when things get tough, and you've "exhausted all your options", you're waiting for them to admit that they were wrong. You want them to change themselves because you can figure out a way to show them why they're wrong. If in every situation you try to see how you are wrong, you accept that you're not allowed to change the person to fit your own reality. When they do stupid things like sleep with other men, yeah, you probably can't continue from that, and it's clear where they've gone wrong. But it's also equally clear where you have gone wrong and made her do that, and you'll break it up there. Sure, it could just be that she's a horrible person, but it's equally possible that it was also partly your fault, and you need to take responsibility for that if you want to reconcile. Otherwise, even if you do reconcile, the relationship will still continue to be one-sided since you feel that you're right. At this point, you're really not willing to accept where you've gone wrong this time, and it shows in all your responses. You're not allowed to actively try to change your partner. That's wrong. Think of it this way. There is always a reason for any action. If something's wrong in the relationship, it's her fault or your fault (theoretically). If it's her fault, you can forgive her and try to truly reconcile by admitting something is wrong together, figuring what's actually wrong in the relationship and move on from there, or bicker at her for her wrongs, or leave. If it's your fault, then you have the opportunity to change yourself, or bicker with her, or leave. What you're doing is bickering at her. In every situation, it's best to truly admit that you have screwed up, which is really in essence, both of you have screwed up because you have ended up in this situation. If you were not ever wrong, you would never have ended up in this situation, even being more sensitive to her jealousy and talking to her about these possible issues beforehand. You're not taking responsibility for your own actions, so she's not going to either. At least, not sincerely. It's not about letting her know that it's a double standard. You're using it as a retaliatory weapon. If you actually wanted to let her know you would have talked about it earlier and gotten out of it way. But now, it's thrown in with the context of your arguments. We don't disagree about anything about privacy. The issue is because you haven't left the relationship, yet you point out that it's a huge trust red flag. Since it's such a big red flag, leave. But no, you want to stay because you want her to change herself because you feel like she's done something wrong. And the issue is you can't actively try to make her change her ways, you have to be that "understanding" yourself and hope that she comes to those changes on her own accord. Listen to, and actually understand her views, and move on from there. | ||
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IRL_Sinister
Ireland621 Posts
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r.Evo
Germany14080 Posts
We'd had tentative plans to move in together in the middle of May (when her roommate is moving out), but a few days ago, I told her I wasn't sure because we've been having so many issues lately. She got pissed, said I didn't love her, said I didn't want to commit to her, all this stuff... none of it true. I do love her and I am committed to her. I just think things are moving a little fast. You: "I don't think moving together right now is a good idea because I'm not sure if we work out longterm." Instead you choose to say that you "aren't sure" (Either you WANT to move in with her or you DON'T. Saying "I'm not sure" is the "nice way" of saying you don't want to. Therefor the above sentence is what she heard, that is why she exploded. Her conclusion is that you "Don't want to commit" (true, since you don't want to take things further) and therefor you "don't love her" because people who love each other are willing to commit. How to solve? Frame it differently. "Have you thought about what we're going to do if we don't get our shit together?" - the issue should be that you two as partners have to invest more suddenly and you're afraid that investing more means drifting apart. You're engaging this discussion because you love her and want to make things work. Fast forward to Sunday. I come over not exactly in the best mood because of our recent issues, and she explodes on me about this other girl. Says she can't trust me anymore, says I've been lying to her, etc... all this shit. and tells me I have to cut this other person out of my life even though I'm being completely 100% honest that we're purely friends, and nothing sexual has happened with this other girl while I've been dating my current girl. I mean, for fuck's sake, I've hung out with this female friend of mine a grand total of about 3 times in the last year, two times because we had incidental contact on our college campus (and we ended up sitting and talking for a while) and one time because I asked her to talk with me on campus. Notice above that she established the frame that you don't want to commit further because you "love her less" all of a sudden? Dingdingding. You just successfully triggered all the possible fears she could have about losing you, congratulations. She doesn't even have to believe that you are into this other girl, but she has to make sure to give you hell for it because maybe you crack under pressure, admit everything and she knows where she's at again. She isn't in your face because she has trust issues or no self-esteem, she perceives herself to be in a corner which only allows her self-esteem to be super small. Framing 101: If she says "I feel as if you're cheating on me" (note the emotional focus) and you say "No, I don't" (note the logical focus) you accept her frame that you're emotionally cheating on her. A possible solution to this dilemma would be a "Why would I? I love you." but this exposes you to the next slap which leads towards "Are you attracted to other women?" (to which you can't really say "no") and ultimately to threads called "She told me to stop watching porn what do I do now?" Your other option is to ridicule her statement. Yes, that's correct. "Yes, I do. On the way from work to you I had sex with my secretary in the car and I invited that friend of mine to your elevator so I could fit her in too. *shift to soothing tone* Jesus, relax. I'm into you and not into someone you might be a bit afraid of. Are you?" Reframe her asking you if you're cheating into what is really going on: Her being afraid of another woman being a better catch than hers which would be a reason for you to leave her. | ||
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docvoc
United States5491 Posts
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QuanticHawk
United States32130 Posts
do you still think your girlfriend is oblivious to the total lack of respect you have for her, as you have demonstrated in all of your blogs granted you both sound immature and mildly retarded, which is pretty par for the course in college relationships, but you're a huge asshole to boot and still don't seem to notice! | ||
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fire_brand
Canada1123 Posts
And it might not honestly be as clear as it seems, that she's just crazy. There might be other stuff going on. If you really want to stay with her then you've gotta have a long investigative talk with her, just asking questions, not being mad, being calm and understanding and stuff might be resolved. When someone is paranoid about things like this it's probably because they are guilty of the same, or they've been victims of it in the past. Either way it's not particularly healthy and something they need to work out. But quite honestly, half a year, and this kind of craziness? I think it's time to get out. Explain to her that you love her, or however it is you feel for her, but that her crazy behaviours and insecurity is toxic. A relationship like this is not healthy, and is not going to have a great future. She has issues, and you don't know how to handle girls like that. There has to be a lot of understanding and enduring, which it sounds like you can't do. In your mind you are 100% and you just have to demonstrate that to her. She's not going to go for that, and you're not going to back down, so better to break it off, let her know why, and just move on. | ||
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sc4k
United Kingdom5454 Posts
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Feartheguru
Canada1334 Posts
On April 10 2013 23:26 QuanticHawk wrote: still friends with 'this girl' aka the girl you dubbed bitchface because she had the audacity to feel led on after you had been keeping her around as plan b and told her that there's a chance for you two in the future do you still think your girlfriend is oblivious to the total lack of respect you have for her, as you have demonstrated in all of your blogs granted you both sound immature and mildly retarded, which is pretty par for the course in college relationships, but you're a huge asshole to boot and still don't seem to notice! This is pretty much what I was thinking but too lazy to type given how ignorant and defensive you sound right now. | ||
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