EPTI'm sitting here with my heart pounding against my chest, even though all I'm doing is typing. This is an annoying sensation I've been feeling for the last year and a half, and that's where my story will begin.
My junior year at high school was just starting up and it was mandatory to visit all your classes for 30 minutes to get acquainted with the room location, teacher, environment etc. I signed up for an basic engineering class for a blow off period and get the easy A, hopefully getting in with my friend. Nope, as soon as I walk in I'm greeted by a bunch of freshmen and a teacher that had it for me. In my mind I thought, "Fuck". I asked where I sat and went directly towards my seat and thought about the 2011 GSTL season, insanely excited for oGs vs F.United. The teacher caught me with my eyes fixed on the ground, and said something to the lines of "isn't that right Mr. XYZ?". I looked up and just nodded, and finally observed the people around me for the first time. Only other person wasn't a freshman there and he was big, black and buff (but rather friendly). I cringed at the thought of having a whole semester with this class. There were only 2 girls in the class, and one of them would soon cast a hook that I've followed into the depths of mind hell if such a place exists.
3 months passed without too much consequence, had fun at the homecoming game, did the tradition of chanting "Stupid Freshmen" during the pep rally along with everyone not a freshmen and went through school. Something happened at the engineering class during that time period though. The class is a hands on class, and we get to play with metals, welding, wood, saws and all kinds of tech that keeps someone from being bored. And who doesn't like to play with tools from time to time? No I didn't weld one of the freshman's eyes out, I was just screwing around with them as some of us had got to known each other in a friendly way.
Unfortunately, the teacher saw me playing around and targeted me out and gave me quite a shower of spit. He said "you freshmen always have me winding up my clock, it's stupid how hyper you guys always are in this class." Everyone turned in his direction and said lightly "XYZ isn't a freshman, he's a junior". The teacher's eyes widened hilariously big and he exclaimed a breathy "WHAT?". It was funny at first, but then he said something along the lines of "Don't tell me that's true, I can't believe this guy's a junior and he's screwing off like this, please don't tell me that's true. I can't believe we're letting people like this into the country." I didn't hear fully what he said and disregarded it since I was trying to avoid his shower of spit. The teacher took me after class and gave me a heck of a lecture about me screwing around in class (even though I had the easy A still). Next engineering class 2 days later, I was talking to some freshman about what happened last time, and I was treating it like it was nothing. But one of the freshman girls piped up with a friendly smile "Didn't you hear him? He said something about letting people like you in the country." That actually kind of surprised me, that a teacher would say that, but I laughed it off, everyone else did too.
Few weeks later, I'm now starting to take a look at this girl more. Let's call her "SM" She was actually pretty in a way. It's not like she was butt ugly, yet she's not someone that's "holy shit she's fucking hot i want some of that". She's pretty looking, slim, long hair, nice smile and skin. I started to notice her a lot more in class. There were times where my freshman buddies asked if I was okay since I apparently was a in a "reverie" while in reality I was actually just staring at her blatantly without anyone noticing. I talked to her a couple times, but crappy small talk, not even actually getting to know her, what music she liked, where she was from, sports and food, how much we like the Packers.
I remember this one time when we were doing CAD drawings, I made fun of my friend for something since we were throwing mockeries of each other back and forth. I turned to SM and asked, "Hey SM, don't you think that this guy, is one HANDSOME looking guy?" (He was middle eastern and I don't wanna sound mean, but he had pretty nasty teeth and not the best skin) SM just smiled and laughed lightly with the rest of us. Such a stupid memory of her, but sadly the one of the few that I have of talking to her.
Fast forward a couple more weeks, and the semester is over, mid year exams are done and everyone is in high spirits. I walk into class for the new semester and look around in my class, but SM wasn't there. At first I was like "meh, no more eye candy". I proceeded to get mocked by the teacher for my crappy drawing of a machine we used in class. However as the year passed on, I felt a little sad. I had no fucking idea why, and this continued for a while until february when track started up. I finally saw SM after like a month, and I... felt light like a feather, my blood froze and I felt cold, my heart tingled, I don't know what the hell I felt. I just felt relieved to see her again. I thought I'd be seeing a lot of her during track, but unfortunately fate had other plans. She switched to soccer as soon as the season started, leaving track pretty much in the first two weeks. I was saddened by this immensely, and my grades actually lacked a little. For the next months of school I did everything I could to just get a mere glimpse of her. During lunch, class break time in the hall, her going down to soccer with her friends. I so wanted to go to a game, but I thought that would be border lining creepy.
Summer finally came, and I resolved myself to forget about her, told myself I didn't want a relationship. Summer passed by with me finding her on facebook occasionally, with her radiant face just beaming at the camera with a little league soccer team, or her running with the rest of the cross country team (how many sports does she DO?) I found myself glued to these pictures. I always looked at them on my phone before I went to sleep much like a child being lulled to sleep by a good story (and nothing happened involving wet things >.> I'm not that kind of guy).
Senior year comes rolling in, and I'm happy as a dog. I worked out some during summer, feeling alright and dove right into school with my friends, ready for a kick ass senior year. The first day at school I saw SM walking toward the girl locker room, it's been so long since I've seen her in person that I just stopped walking for while, some people running into my back. The feeling was back from when I saw her in track. It was killing me. Homecoming came by, and I didn't ask her to the dance or anything. Btw, she looks quite gorgeous in a dress. But in her fb pictures, there was a guy standing next to her, I don't think they were/are dating. They just went as friends from what I saw on the pictures. Nevertheless, I think I can owe my logitech G400 breaking due to the fact I had a firm clench on the mouse (or that logitech never fucking fix their goddamn mice after 3 years of getting replacements one after the other). Sometimes I still see that guy standing next to her in that picture, and I just clench my fist unnecessarily. Good news though, I had a free period 1st hour while she had an class 1st hour at Human Anatomy, and the teacher for her was the same teacher for AP Bio, lenient enough for me to visit during class and get some help or ask a question, so I could pretty much see her every other day in the morning. But.. I never talked to her.
Let's get somethings straight, I'm not socially awkward, I can talk to girls, joke with people, and I don't walk like I have a pole up my fucking asshole. I don't think I'm the best look guy, in fact I don't think I'm good looking at all. I'm 6'2", a little over 160 pounds and I guess I'm a lean guy. But my appearance doesn't bother me. I'm just afraid of what would happen if I talked to her, or asked her out on a date. I've never been in a relationship before, therefore I've never had to ask anyone out on the date, I don't even know how the process works. I've hung out with friends before with their dates, sometimes I'm the only loner haha. That doesn't bother me though. What bothers me is what will happen, and what will not happen if I fucking don't do something. Pathetic right? No experience whatsoever, korean kid who watched pro starcraft and still in high school with such a kiddish crush? Psh that's cute, but man there's so much more in life.
That may be true, but I've never had a passion for someone like this before. Where I'm desperate to get a split second look at her just walking by in the hallway. I've had crushes before, and I assure you, they haven't lasted for almost two years, and haven't had this intensity before. Fast forward the story to the present day. Winterball is coming up this weekend, and sadly I will be not going, as I've not gone last years, or any other years before. I've actually never to a dance before, not even homecoming, since for some fucking stupid reason we have homecoming as juniors haha. So, this Winterball will be the last ever dance for many seniors. And I won't be attending, since I'm a miserable fuck who's shy, pathetic and not courageous enough to ask SM out to the dance, or talk about the Packers and cheese, or even fucking smile at her. I just don't know what to do, probably because of the lack of experience.
Thank you for reading this huge wall of text from such a kiddie, have a nice day
You're my every
My everything
You're my everything
Love for you
I love you
You're my everything...
