I hope it isn't too late for a new years resolution blog. Along with all the stereotypical commitments to losing weight, quitting smoking, I have one simple goal which is just to be ok. Anyone who passed some time with my previous blogs will know that it has been an interesting couple of weeks for me personally, but what you might not know is that this was complimented by some very intense anxiety attacks.
This has been happening for years, to a certain extent whether as a result of overt confrontation, abject fear of disappointing another party, or something as simple as worrying about a parking spot I was unfamiliar with my attacks have gotten worse over the course of the last few months. Worse to the point of excessive hyperventilation, feelings of wanting to be sick, and lightheaded-ness to the point where as a result of my last blog I actually left work.
There is something to be said for the fact that I am that affected by rather distant happenstance, but as it stands I am focused on my short game. So my new years resolution is simply to learn to be ok. I know what I have is something a lot of people would be more than happy to have: a girl who cares for me, a family that is interested to the point of being obnoxious (to the introvert that can't be bothered), and to the job that while it isn't perfect meets my needs in my current situation.
I am looking to make changes, push that job to the next level, make sure that girl knows she is important to me but I am first and foremost focusing on myself. This is only because I am am first and foremost not ok with myself mentally and that is my largest weakness. I am far too ready wrap myself in mental interpretations, circumstance, and inferred, imagined events that to my very active imagination can't be shaken as anything but already having happened.
Anyone that may have a similar state of mind may sympathize; the shortness of breath, and mental swimming like the first time you smoke a cigarette, this is what I aim to get in control.
I have been meaning to write this for some time, but to be honest haven't had the time or fortitude to convey precisely what I wanted. At their core these are very much first world problems, but to me they are real to the point of physical ramification, and I want to control them. On my own I know I will not ever be completely rid of anxious tendencies, and I am ok with that.
My new years resolution is simply to learn to be ok; to learn to look at what I have and be happy with it, and to not let my anxious tendencies rule my life. I need to learn to recognize them, which I am getting good at, and address their influences to properly manage their effect on me mentally. I am not an island as much as I would like to think I am.
It will be slow going, and working on communication is something that has always been a goal but I plan on pairing them with other positive life changes in this the year of our proverbial lord 2013. So if you are in my boat, lets make 2013 the year we really get control of these feelings. As intangibly as they can be brought on it is on us to reel them in. For the time being the following song has brought me back from the edge several times, and is my personal starting point.
I aim to make this my year, as best I can. I just want to equalize, and work from there. No more deprication.
How interesting. I don't think I've ever really experienced anxiety to the point which you describe (a shortness of breath and nausea), but I can certainly sympathize with the desire to simply be "ok". Just feeling like you're in control is huge, isn't it?
On January 11 2013 12:22 TheFrankOne wrote: Good luck, consider medication. I am on anti-anxiety drugs and they are a wonderful thing. Anxiety attacks are not.
I have, for the time being I want to try to manage them as best I can on my own. If they get to the point of needing it I am not opposed, and would stick to the regimen like all hell. I want to forgo them as long as I can, but I appreciate the concern and they are on the table for me in terms of options
On the other hand in the med discussion, If I want solid grades i have to go off my meds for tests, so be aware that you can have side effects, not all of which are bearable.
To be fair to meds I'm on more than just anxiety meds, so it might not be relevant to this situation.
On January 11 2013 13:08 Jaaaaasper wrote: On the other hand in the med discussion, If I want solid grades i have to go off my meds for tests, so be aware that you can have side effects, not all of which are bearable.
I am out of school otherwise that would be a legitimate discussion. I can't speak those in school with anxiety, but as a corporate American shit fucks with you on the regular.
Our of curiosity, have you ever read Sartre's Nausea? I'm the only member of my immediate family not on a psych med, and oftentimes I half-jokingly attribute this to my love for existentialist train of thought
On January 11 2013 13:36 farvacola wrote: Our of curiosity, have you ever read Sartre's Nausea? I'm the only member of my immediate family not on a psych med, and oftentimes I half-jokingly attribute this to my love for existentialist train of thought
I've not, but to be fair Camus's The Plague put me off of French existentialism in a rather distinct sense, but I'll look it up. I am not one to equate No Exit with the my general sentiments
Well, if it means anything, No Exit is one of Sartre's most accessible yet least profound works, and The Plague alongside the bulk of Camus' work is of a different and considerably less optimistic point of view when compared to something like Nausea. The latter portrays a train of thought that I used to find myself prone to, that of anxious nausea when confronted with the internalization of questions like "why?", "why me?", and "should I?".
Ultimately, everyone's mind needs slightly different medicine, so take from the above what you will
I've only had an anxiety attack once. It was in the middle of our city championship soccer game and we were up 1-0 with 10 minutes left to play. My Close friend was playing defense and i was playing goalie. He told me to count the number of people on the field. Strangely after that my panic attack went down. Good luck!
EPT
