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I've been wanting to just write a story for a very long time now, I have also wanted to write a lot of other blogs, no idea how to really begin. So I will basically start with the reason that actually made me want to start writing this as a good starting point. There has been a lot of threads floating around such as the introversion awareness thread( http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/viewmessage.php?topic_id=389329 ) and a variety of other blogs and the new year approaching, And I really want to make a change. Recently I played in the complexity academy recruitment tourney, I did well but it wasn't enough, took out a top 50 gm only to get to a few rounds in and play the worst PvT series I have played in a long time and essentially fail right there. It was my birthday, I just turned 26 and all I could do was just sit there and stare at the defeat screen, alone... Just left lost and confused more than I ever have. That I could dedicate so much, practice so hard, and just fail. and not have a single ounce of happiness left.
But how did it get so bad? Where did I go wrong all this time... It was just one tournament right? That's the problem, in theory it wasn't just one tournament. It was my entire life, Even the successes I had in the past I could no longer take any pride in them, they faded in time with the world and eventually with me. I thought I couldn't feel any emptier, but I did.... I started competing in gaming by accident a long time ago in the year of 1993, with the Nintendo powerfest, it just kind of happened and I went and played. I was young, really young as in didn't really own a system of my own and didn't understand anything about what was really going on. No plan, just played the games and scored points or at least tried to. No big deal, But it was my start, It was the first competitive thing I ever played.
Along came arcades, the local bowling alley had an arcade and my parents being avid bowlers, bowled in leagues. So I spent a lot of time in the arcade at this point. My first brush in with the competitive side of arcades was with a guy I am just going to nickname giant. I never knew his name or anything else to go with it besides that he towered over the arcade cabinets and myself being really young, literally he was a giant.He was playing cash matches and a variety of other stuff, and I figured id get in one. Every one always told me I was great, Unbeatable, and well this is the first realization that everything your parents tells you for self esteem is all a flat out lie........Myself still being under 10 had to stand on a chair reach the buttons. He asked several times nicely if I still wanted to do this... and I said yes and I ended up losing my allowance so fast it wasn't even funny, and I had no idea what happened. It was a sad reality that I faced, but it opened the realization that there was more to just hitting buttons and winning. There was more to these games, there was thought, Specials, combos and a variety of tactics I never even dreamt about at this age. Of course I learned my lesson to never try cash matches again till I figure it out. But knowing these things existed opened new doors for creativity and a variety of other options. The older kids were getting more and more competitive in the arcade, And after that defeat several months ago, I really wanted to join them. However even just practice games never went well. It wasn't till I got my own console at home, till I started to figure out somethings. However there was a new game in the arcade, One that wasn't on consoles yet or at least where I could find it. Called Killer Instinct, Was such a classic game looking back. However It was a new start, Everyone in the arcade lost all their fancy knowledge and the field reset, I built upon what I knew and started learning combos, and more importantly the combo breaker. Time passed and then there was announcements of a small tournament going around, with a 5 dollar entry fee, On the night I would be there anyway. I knew I had to play in it, 5 dollars was my entire allowance, knowing if I lost it would have been bad for me. I entered anyway, It was a small tournament around 16 people or so. I Proceeded to steam roll everyone easily till the finals. Then had to face a familiar face, the giant. Now I know he was practicing some place else, as he hasn't spent much time in that arcade but he was there. I felt a strange feeling, I remembered what happened last time I went up this guy, I never felt nervous before, The pressure built up and I just collapsed under the pressure, I could barely stand, and proceeded to take a severe beating. It all seemed lost, then I have no idea what happened, My hand slipped or something and accidentally hit a button when I went to block instead and within literally no health left it stopped his onslaught and I proceeded to refocus and landed a nice air combo through in a mix up and got him trapped and came back to take the round that could have ended everything. I still had to do it again, The next round was much easier, I guess I found that zone and got momentum going again and soon it was over, from the edge of defeat, I won my first tournament, Against the guy that gave me my first loss. Giant stood there lost, but then congratulated me, and the person running the tournament handed me 50 bucks. I felt rich at the time on top of the world. One thing that I regret is never seeing giant again, Tournaments came and went, I won easily again and again. He never showed up. I became the terror of that arcade, No one could beat me, Participation in tournaments was down. People were getting angry and pissed that a kid was winning all of them. I had a bunch of money that no one knew about under my bed. I had a couple hundred bucks and for a kid my age that was almost the equivalent feeling of a millionaire lol, My parents assumed I was just good at saving my money, when I went and bought games for my super Nintendo with my own money. But all of that changed, it was now a year or so later, And the new hot game everyone in our struggling shrinking local community was mortal kombat, I played scorpion and abused all his fire stuff and ended with the fatality where he pulls off his mask every time. People kind of nicknamed me that lame fire kid. However when it came to tournament time, there was this new older kid that was there, never seen him before. He ended up on the other side of the bracket and as always I made it to the finals. This time was different after I beat him, I was arrogant.... And he pushed me off my chair(was more of a light push like your joking right?), and I lost my balance and face planted so hard into the ground. People asked if I was ok and I said yes, I took the money and went to the bathroom and the handicap stall, which had its own mirror, My nose was now gushing blood as it was probably broke looking back. Where I sat with tissue up to my nose not sure whether I should get an adult or not, eventually it stopped on its own and I was able to hide it.... But It was an awkward combo that caused me to have a wake up call and help people, be nicer and try to be respectable. I started shaking hands and telling people nice match or something similar, Win or Loss, And looking back on that I really acted really mature for that age. But when people BM it still gets to me even in today's world, partially because whenever someone BM's I remember that instance so long ago. And I feel really bad even when something does slip from me.
As time went on the arcades and stuff closed or fell completely dormant for the competitive side of things, But there was this new arena that was rising in the late 90s. The internet. The internet opened so many doors for multiplayer games. I started online using the name armored_figure, Seemed cool at the time as I just played Baldurs Gate and that was the name to the unknown villain at the start, before your character knew who he was. But on sites like the MSN gaming zone there was this awkward confusion around it. Everyone assumed I was a girl... And it frustrated me greatly that no one understood the reference at all. I then changed to armored_shadow just because I thought the figure aspect was what caused it. And I was right. After winning alot on the MSN gaming zone, alot of stuff still felt missing as compared to the old days, as the prizes were tshirts and stuff not money. But I still played for the competition, As years went on I moved on to Quake 3 and the unreal tournament series and continued competing on with them. There were two things that happened around the 2000 range, Shadow felt like it was a popular name for immature kids on the internet. So I wanted a new name, and came up with the idea to use stuff from my past. Hence the first variation of my online name I still use today, KiFireLedius. Ki for the game of the first tournament I ever won, Fire for the nicknamed I had, and a variety of other smaller aspects that added on several variations, However after my loss to fatal1ty and joining a few small clans, The tags wouldn't fit, I figured I would continue using it, But I shortened it to KiF1rE in the end and left it ever since. I put the 1 in my name just to remember the past that in that period, I always looked at fatal1ty as who I wanted to be. The champion. And that second thing I never mentioned yet? Yeah that was the quality of competition going up 10 fold in that era. I struggled with a variety of aspects, Age and skill. Age restricted me from entering a lot of tournaments, and skill was an awkward point since I couldn't really even get many games to see how I stacked up against the strongest. There was no matchmaking at that time there wasn't much of anything.
I did manage to compete in quite a few tournaments in between here, However I failed repeatedly. No big deal as I wasn't trying to live off of it or anything, My primary goal was school. Which I wanted to complete but not be at, at the same time, Bullying was severely bad for most of it. That didn't help with a lot of my isolation and social issues I still carry with me today. As far as gaming went I still kept fighting on though, I always felt accepted there. Fast forward a ways till 2004 and I was competing in Unreal tournament 2004. I was becoming quite strong, However I also ran into the strangest wall. I was starting to not be allowed into servers and a variety of stuff, Because people assumed I hacked. Which spread around and got worse, My base attitude didn't help that as I always thought, No need to defend my innocence when I am innocent, the truth will come out and every one will understand. right? wrong.... Well as time went by it didn't deter me much, I still competed to qualify for the larger stuff, Like WCG and other events. However I was still cut short. While I got to top 8 in a few qualifiers I wasn't good enough. Not to mention my reputation was ruined at the same time, till a few people in the pro scene actually stood up for me a bit. And analyzed demos and stuff and said there isn't anything suspicious at all here. One of the few times someone actually stood up and helped me in the gaming community. I still became strong, Had games casted by djwheat and his crew, and kept attempting to win, Though looking back I always wondered if He had any of those old matches on a copy or something,Though never got around to asking him. unfortunately as time past it was now 2006 and that golden era in esports was coming to an end. The big FPS titles were no longer being put into major tournaments frequently and everything was kind of settling out, Was it the end for esports? I had no idea, But I do know it was the end of that genre, the 1v1 fps was a thing of the past.
Thankfully I could compete in just about everything, And proceeded to continue playing weird off the wall racing games, guitar hero and stuff, Promotional tournaments near launch and stuff were quite common and easy to win. But those smaller events while being nice I could compete multi genre and stuff, I wanted that competitive edge back. Heard about Stacraft in korea and stuff around this time, Looked into the game regrettably, I didn't get into it as the game outside of korea looked dead, and Warcraft 3 was doing well, So I got that instead, But its been out for a while and its now roughly the year 2007, And WCG released their official title list. Enjoying RTS games WC3 was announced, but there was something more. A game in a series that I played a long time ago just for the Single player was on that list. Command and Conquer 3. After only a few short months I stoppped playing WC3 and when CNC3 was released in march I promptly switched. The competitive scene was thriving, Everything was growing, the competition was there, EA was putting in alot of time and effort into growing esports, They had shows and stuff developed by them with high production value, example www.gametrailers.com/videos/qyjtrg/command---conquer--battlecast-primetime-episode-2
I even have a game highlighted at the 3 minute mark of that episode, And several other episodes as well. Anyways, as WCG approached once again, after failures in UT and stuff. I proceeded to sign up and try to qualify. The field was full of experienced RTS players, and the RTS genre was one of the last few genres for me to explore competitively, an uphill battle. Sadly I had to miss the first qualifier due to the real world. But managed to get time to go into one of the later qualifiers to get to the regional. Signups were a bit weak at this point as majority of the stronger players have qualified and back then WCG broke up the qualifiers by several regions for the US, so it spread everyone out. I only had to play 2 matches to get to the regional qualifier the rest were no shows. But those 2 matches were Torch(yes the sc2 torch) and Avilo(then known as fritobag) But I won those avilo put up a bit of a fight and qualified for the regional of the north. Which was in Indianapolis. Helped me out considerably as that was only an hour or so drive. But the regional was where the tough competition began, A player that I haven't beaten much before ended up in the finals with me, But my practice paid off and I won it and advanced to the national finals where my trip and everything was paid for. That ended up being in, Orlando Florida at universal studios, Where I ended up playing my first stage match at a live event, casted by none other than DJwheat. While I won that stage match, I failed to make it out of my group. But I did have some other memories from that event, Such as the people I met, Ate lunch with incontrol back when he was with ToT. That was the year he won the national final, and I watched his games as he played on. Showing me how great SC1 really was. However I stayed with CNC3, and kept competing taking a few online tournaments and local tournaments, Qualified again for WCG the next year, Which was probably the best major event Ive done. I cashed in several tournaments, even taking top 3 in the WCG nationals and winning an IEM event for Unreal tournament 3. Which was a FFA with qualifiers but still had several EG players and quake pros competing in it and I took it all. Probably the event I took the most pride in, It was a game from a lost era and the competition never left. Sadly not a trace of it remains that I can find on the internet. Which is a reality that time naturally takes it course, as tournaments and organizations fall so do their sites and records.
There does exist a few old photo galleries on flickr taken by wcg themselves over the years.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/42856172@N07/3960457561/in/photostream
http://www.flickr.com/photos/42856172@N07/3960385203/in/photostream
perhaps one of the most awkward candid pictures of that gallery with me in it, IdrA smiling while playing air hockey =/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/42856172@N07/3958275407/in/photostream
Yes after CNC3 fell, I played red alert 3 and a variety of other titles to fill time, I was sad that I didnt make it on to WCG ultimate gamer as competing was my entire life and the players they did pick most of them I never heard of or seen at events that I was at. But That set a precedent to me. No matter how much I accomplish, If I have to apply for something, My dedication, practice and accomplishments dont mean anything and I will fail. And it hurt deeply,Though it didnt discouarge me from competing and winning stuff. However during all that I was left without a main title to play.
Everything shifted in esports like it always does, thankfully Starcraft 2 was announced but it was a long way off. The beta eventually came I hit rank 1 in 2v2 and 1v1 in the beta, whatever league was the highest I was always there, I didn't stream much as I had bad experiences back with CNC3 and streaming such as the community getting pissed off at me for streaming replays and matches and stuff, Stuff those players wanted secret and turned the whole community against me, So I kind of regrettably brushed off streaming. Though looking back I wish I started my old show up again where I went through pro level games and broke them down, But I was afraid that the negativity train would start again. Even after being in esports for a long time I never thought streaming as a player would become the norm and a great way to make money. Always knew that the expansion of it would drastically increase tournament coverage, Just never imagined the player side taking off so quickly. As new technologies that were like this came and went. For example cnc3 essentially in game streaming and wasn't very popular for most people. You could watch live ladder games and stuff and even live commentate ladder games with alot of features and stuff that SC2 doesnt even come close to touching, but it wasn't very popular on the scale that streaming is now. But throughout the beta in SC2 I was always up there getting games versus huk and sheth, trying my hardest and eventually failed in gaining any recognition or popularity, The stuff I won people simply didnt care about. I kept competing and kept on winning smaller stuff, Tried to get out to as many live events I did. But it didn't matter. But whenever I talk to someone about my career they tell me to not give up and have patience... Some times players even say this, but how long have they been trying to go pro before they went? I bet its alot less time than ive spent.
The whole patience thing is something of a really awkward concept, that most people dont understand as they jump to a fast conclusion and assume things. Like when I talk about my struggles in SC2 and finding a team etc... People will jump to the conclusion that I should be patient, It takes time etc, because they think im fairly new to esports or something and cant grasp what my skill level actually is. Thats the part where patience evades me, As I am truly a really patient person, Though I sound hasty and not patient at times. Like in my post in that thread I gave a small TLDR back story about my esports career, Im 26 now and been pretty much been involved my whole life. Back several years before SC2 came out, I was out there competing in other titles vs players on check six, EG, quantic and a variety of other pro level teams that never made it through the years and winning. The intel extreme masters event I won for example was for UT3 FFA, the qualifiers consisted of several pro quake players,unreal tournament pros and other games. The finals consisted of me, 2 EG players, one of which was a former national champion in UT, check six quake player, and a few others. And I mopped the floor in that final round making it not even close, I hit the kill cap with a score of 50-0, with the next closest at around 13... But at the time what happened next didnt really bother me, But it bothers me alot to this day. Why? and what was it? Well the EG guys and the other pros received interviews while I got my prizing and money and stuff. What did this happen to do? I won the tournament and not a single trace exists of me winning it. Nothing to show from it at all. Granted the older interviews are gone as well, But the fact of the matter is nobody knows, I gained nothing in the long run from it. And thats essentially the story of all the events ive been to. Some of that is introversion kicking in, and some of that is biases to people that looked professional at those events. And the few traces that exist of me are random photos floating around that have nothing much to do with anything, Essentially I am a ghost that doesnt exist. Atleast thats how I feel about my esports career. As everything is condensed into a few random pictures scattered about.
But thats the thing when we come back to patience, Ive been literally around forever... In SC2 I was in the top during the beta, competing with players like huk, sheth etc... and holding my own. unfortunately they won the events early in the beta, while I lost 2-1 and literally went no where. I did find a smaller team/organization a few months after release called H2O. which was the male side of PMS, which was the all female team. They helped with travel and stuff for a short period, until Flo left for quantic,but she got a salary, granted quantic died but still. And then we lost aurora to lgn now FXO, we had sasquatch temporarily till he joined complexity, and the team essentially fell apart as everyone went every which way. Teamless for over a year atleast now, unable to find anything new at all. Never gave up. Kept on competing and winning stuff. Patience.... Its something that wears down, because ive had what happened to H2O happen before in other games. Where everyone just jumps ship to pro teams, acquire my dreams... the ones that I dream about. and I'm the one always left behind. Left to fend for myself. But yet what is patience when Ive essentially done 20 years of that? Its truly a hell when its your entire life and only goal. The only thing that I can work hard and achieve something in. Unfortunately When it comes to making connections, And applying for things Ive always failed, The connections I made through out the years have pretty much all left esports, or dont remember me because its been so long. Always wondered how awkward of a moment would be if I actually got another game casted by Djwheat, would he remember those old days?
But regardless im not even worthy to be included in such teamless pro lists http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/viewmessage.php?topic_id=378957 such as that thread, Why? I dunno, When you look at some of the NA players that have been added there I have accomplished much more than they have. yet here I sit. Ive won almost 3k worth of stuff from SC2. Quite a low point in my career, But better than majority of the community atleast, If that is even a bright side to it.... But every up and down is just meaningless on the grand scheme of things, For example In 2011 I took out violet in a tournament to only be met with death threats and my favorite quote that I got, "You ruined the entire tournament for me by knocking out my favorite player thanks alot asshole"... Yea apparently I made a few "fans" that day lol... But the hate is sad, While I know everyone has to deal with it, Take incontrol for example, hes mentioned the hate and stuff before, But atleast he has real fans that actually care about him as well. For example when he beat violet in a ladder game, not a tournament. It was all over reddit for some reason. That wasn't the only instance Ive dealt with players directly that have sent players on major teams to my stream to troll me intentionally during a tournament... Why? I have no idea... But this stuff has just essentially left me believing im 100% worthless, Ive come to learn when a team says they have to many protoss players sorry. And then signs more protoss players. Its just a polite way of saying to get lost. Teams will state they care about their reputation then sign BM players that tell me to kill myself, yet that's fine for their reputation. Hitting me in the head with a back pack during a MLG match is perfectly fine as well, not even worthy of a im sorry? Instead its a "oh didn't notice you sitting there,not like your in a live match anyway" And in reality I was, My matches were running behind. But that's the type of stuff pro or even mid tier teams pick up. And I honestly get frustrated whenever I see those announcements from teams, Hey we added this player. And All I do is sit there and be like yeah, I just beat them or remember our negative interaction.... =/ but in reality im just a worthless human that tries way to hard.
Photo of mlg columbus 2010
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=392386770793349&set=pb.100000660870874.-2207520000.1356995607&type=3&theater
Ann arbor open lan victory, with trophy
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=392387854126574&set=pb.100000660870874.-2207520000.1356995607&type=3&theater
Where do I go from here? Its taken me a few days to write this and its now 12/31/2012, A new year awaits, but for what? Heart of the swarm will hopefully be a decent new beginning. But im not sure, I hit rank 2 GM in the beta before taking a break from it to focus on WoL stuff again. Will anything change no idea, Though I really hope to find a new team before HOTS official release. What im looking for is a team that could help market me when I do well, help at major events and practice with and a massive bonus would be able to actually give me the opportunity to help and maybe potentially get me the skills to actually find a job with in or outside of esports, As that's my greatest flaw in life, Is im trapped I have no way out even if I wanted to get out. Even if I don't find a team though I will still be out there competing, I plan to get out to all MLG's next year.My goal is to actually win a major tournament, its been that way for a while, ive come close in the past, Though I feel further away than ever in sc2, I plan to give it an even better fight than before. I just wish I could show more progress on this path. Really my only resolution for 2013, is to push forward and show progress, get back what I once had, and actually achieve something.
  
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Great post John. That picture of you and Idra...I was there! NYC WCG finals....I drove up from DC with StorrZerg and Xeris to spectate for Broodwar. Man what memories.
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On January 01 2013 07:13 LuckyFool wrote:
Great post John. That picture of you and Idra...I was there! NYC WCG finals....I drove up from DC with StorrZerg and Xeris to spectate for Broodwar. Man what memories.
I never knew you were there, But a lot of people going back were there at a lot of those events. I witnessed the rise and fall of esports way to many times =P yeah shortly after that Idra picture I played air hockey with kawaiirice and artosis. Fun events. WCG did know how to set up entertainment and stuff outside of the competition quite well. Why I liked those events so much and have so many good memories from them.
Btw if anyone finds any grammar/spelling errors etc, This post is quite long. I'm sure I missed something.
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yeah I played with G5 that night and a very drunk Psyonic_Reaver ahaha. It's funny how I went then only knowing broodwar people but then after sc2 realized so many other people were there as well, like Sonkie was there for war3 but I had no idea who he was at the time.
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T.O.P.
Hong Kong4685 Posts
Are you this guy?
us.battle.net/sc2/en/profile/291685/1/KiFirE/ladder/leagues#current-rank
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On January 01 2013 07:52 T.O.P. wrote:
Are you this guy?
us.battle.net/sc2/en/profile/291685/1/KiFirE/ladder/leagues#current-rank
yeah kind of... I just came off a massive losing streak as well, been so down emotionally lately was doing well and rising alot around 1500+ and doing well and now I just cant seem to win over the holidays. like 2 and 20 atleast lol...... I dunno, ive been really inconsistent and down lately and ive only been going back wards it seems. Why after that loss streak ive been on my smurf which is ranked alot higher, no idea why thats the case though still taking a bit of break, havent played much since the ladder lock =/ but whatever... Ill get it back though. I need to get back to when I felt like I was in my prime, When players like violet were no issue.... But thats when I had a team, friends and stuff. Now all of that is gone and I just sit here and play.... alone. Ive lost contact with alot of people when they stopped playing and such.
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T.O.P.
Hong Kong4685 Posts
When they say be patient and you'll get there with hard work, they're right. They're anticipating that with hard work, you can increase your skill to the level of top pros. No one is hating on you and preventing you from being a pro player. It's not that they're not recognizing your skill, it's that they think your skill level is not there yet.
No pro slumps all the way down to mid master. Come on, man.
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On January 01 2013 08:17 T.O.P. wrote:
When they say be patient and you'll get there with hard work, they're right. They're anticipating that with hard work, you can increase your skill to the level of top pros. No one is hating on you and preventing you from being a pro player. It's not that they're not recognizing your skill, it's that they think your skill level is not there yet.
No pro slumps all the way down to mid master. Come on, man.
So when I took out violet, had a few accounts in GM, took out stephano, beat cella, yeah that was all with hard work! Winning over 3k from SC2 was with hard work. Winning 13 lans in SC2 hard work. All i do is work hard... Hell lets ignore SC2 altogether... Placing top 3 in the country and not being able to join a semi low tier team for that game? And if you want to go back to SC2. what about the teams that consistently sign players that I recently 2-0 in a major tournament like WCG or MLG qualifiers etc...
I dunno man, I really dont care about ladder, Why before I was trying new gate openings and a variety of other stuff, to much HOTS and screwing around lately. I dunno, I just hate when people bring up ladder rank like it matters.... Than if it mattered why when I was rank 1 on the entire server points wise in beta not matter? Why when I hit rank 2 gm in HOTS it doesnt matter... Because only people that wish to insult people care about ladder rank lol. Hence why some guy is telling me off with a 0-2 record on ladder.
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Good read, albeit a bit sad towards the end.
You seem like a great guy and a great player, so don't let whatever people say get to you and just keep doing your best.. as long as you actually feel it's giving you something.. and if you don't, well, breaks never hurt anybody.
Good luck with everything.
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On January 01 2013 08:29 negon wrote:
Good read, albeit a bit sad towards the end.
You seem like a great guy and a great player, so don't let whatever people say get to you and just keep doing your best.. as long as you actually feel it's giving you something.. and if you don't, well, breaks never hurt anybody.
Good luck with everything.
I tried to not let my sadness that ive failed harder than I have ever failed before let it take hold of the entire of paper, but it leaks out there sometimes. I kind of am on a break, I stopped practicing 8+ hours a day over the holidays and stuff. But going to give it another massive go again when the new year comes. thanks for the luck.
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T.O.P.
Hong Kong4685 Posts
On January 01 2013 08:26 KiF1rE wrote:Show nested quote +On January 01 2013 08:17 T.O.P. wrote:
When they say be patient and you'll get there with hard work, they're right. They're anticipating that with hard work, you can increase your skill to the level of top pros. No one is hating on you and preventing you from being a pro player. It's not that they're not recognizing your skill, it's that they think your skill level is not there yet.
No pro slumps all the way down to mid master. Come on, man. So when I took out violet, had a few accounts in GM, took out stephano, beat cella, yeah that was all with hard work! Winning over 3k from SC2 was with hard work. Winning 13 lans in SC2 hard work. All i do is work hard... Hell lets ignore SC2 altogether... Placing top 3 in the country and not being able to join a semi low tier team for that game? And if you want to go back to SC2. what about the teams that consistently sign players that I recently 2-0 in a major tournament like WCG or MLG qualifiers etc... I dunno man, I really dont care about ladder, Why before I was trying new gate openings and a variety of other stuff, to much HOTS and screwing around lately. I dunno, I just hate when people bring up ladder rank like it matters.... Than if it mattered why when I was rank 1 on the entire server points wise in beta not matter? Why when I hit rank 2 gm in HOTS it doesnt matter... Because only people that wish to insult people care about ladder rank lol. Hence why some guy is telling me off with a 0-2 record on ladder.
I just want to put some reality into you. Even if I'm 0-2 with my main, I beat you with my offrace.
SC2 is a very volatile game. Everyone who's high masters beat a pro many times before. Frankly, your accomplishment list doesn't mean much. Early on Hots Beta, platinum players got into GM. It didn't mean anything. Winning 13 lans isn't hard. Who was your competition? Plat, Gold, Diamond, Masters players? Being good in SC2 beta doesn't matter either, back then you could have just 4 gated and won like every game. Besides, player skill have advanced so much now. Does CauthonLuck gets into a pro team because of his past accomplishments?
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On January 01 2013 08:50 T.O.P. wrote:Show nested quote +On January 01 2013 08:26 KiF1rE wrote:On January 01 2013 08:17 T.O.P. wrote:
When they say be patient and you'll get there with hard work, they're right. They're anticipating that with hard work, you can increase your skill to the level of top pros. No one is hating on you and preventing you from being a pro player. It's not that they're not recognizing your skill, it's that they think your skill level is not there yet.
No pro slumps all the way down to mid master. Come on, man. So when I took out violet, had a few accounts in GM, took out stephano, beat cella, yeah that was all with hard work! Winning over 3k from SC2 was with hard work. Winning 13 lans in SC2 hard work. All i do is work hard... Hell lets ignore SC2 altogether... Placing top 3 in the country and not being able to join a semi low tier team for that game? And if you want to go back to SC2. what about the teams that consistently sign players that I recently 2-0 in a major tournament like WCG or MLG qualifiers etc... I dunno man, I really dont care about ladder, Why before I was trying new gate openings and a variety of other stuff, to much HOTS and screwing around lately. I dunno, I just hate when people bring up ladder rank like it matters.... Than if it mattered why when I was rank 1 on the entire server points wise in beta not matter? Why when I hit rank 2 gm in HOTS it doesnt matter... Because only people that wish to insult people care about ladder rank lol. Hence why some guy is telling me off with a 0-2 record on ladder. I just want to put some reality into you. Even if I'm 0-2 with my main, I beat you with my offrace. SC2 is a very volatile game. Everyone who's high masters beat a pro many times before. Frankly, your accomplishment list doesn't mean much. Early on Hots Beta, platinum players got into GM. It didn't mean anything. Winning 13 lans isn't hard. Who was your competition? Plat, Gold, Diamond, Masters players? Being good in SC2 beta doesn't matter either, back then you could have just 4 gated and won like every game. Besides, player skill have advanced so much now. Does CauthonLuck gets into a pro team because of his past accomplishments?
CauthonLuck he retired bro.... and yes he was on a pro team because of that back then. And what type of reality do you think im talking about finding a team with? Do you honestly think I expect to join EG? no because i dont, I would love to get to the point to where I do eventually get there.... But I expect to be able to one day somewhat quickly find a team with players around my skill level that wishes to grow and be competitive And I also expect players that are of that pro caliber to be respectful to players like me, And not jump off into a massive rant about how lucky I was to win that 30 minute macro game etc etc or troll the hell out of me by sending 800+ viewers to my stream to tell me im terrible during our match in a tournament..... Teams that want to take me dont exist. My best offer, was a TShirt and highest player on their roster was diamond. yeah thats not happening. Welcome to the world of nothing mattering... But then how do I find value to matter? It seems like players worse than me get announced to teams every day it seems, whats new?
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Sup kifire bro ! SC2 scene is not completely about skill right now (foreign scene at least), it's about marketing + your popularity in the community. It's juvenile sadly.
I'd say to you, "get some results" but i know you've already done this before, and many more like yourself. It's incredibly hard to get attention in the SC2 community, I don't think a lot of people realize this. And i'm not just talking about drama/trolling, but even if you legitimately do well in tournaments, unless you are hyped up to no end by other "popular" people such as casters or other players, even results don't get much publicity.
SC2 community is pretty terrible in this respect, in that it's tough to almost impossible for "new names" to break in, but once a new name does get in then they get showered with invites, attention, etc. regardless of their results/current form.
The reality is it's a catch-22 for a lot of SC2 people that "want to be pro" because we have to sustain ourselves as well with other part time jobs/full time jobs which makes for less training, etc.
Basically, any publicity right now for an SC2 player is pretty good publicity imo. Anyways, keep on fightin the good fight, HOTS will be out soon, so it'll give a lot more opportunities as people are learning the game of course. Best thing to do will be streaming still for exposure imo.
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you keep saying you practice so hard, but then say 8+ hours a day. Pretty sure theres lots of ppl out there practicing nearly double that.
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On January 01 2013 10:36 so_pringles wrote:
you keep saying you practice so hard, but then say 8+ hours a day. Pretty sure theres lots of ppl out there practicing nearly double that.
8+ hours is a lot for a foreigner, especially because I think he feels less recognized / well known than many people who put in far less time.
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On January 01 2013 10:41 RemarK wrote:Show nested quote +On January 01 2013 10:36 so_pringles wrote:
you keep saying you practice so hard, but then say 8+ hours a day. Pretty sure theres lots of ppl out there practicing nearly double that. 8+ hours is a lot for a foreigner, especially because I think he feels less recognized / well known than many people who put in far less time.
I dont practice for recognition, I practice to take out the GM's that show up constantly at michigan lans(fuzzy,thcoolman, etc), I practice to win. I said it myself though, my results were terrible when it came to bigger stuff. But I practice to change that. and 8+ is a ball park number as remember my only other form of income is D3 farming atm, which I also split my time between that. And that practice number gets upped quite abit before tournaments. Before the col academy tournament I put in atleast 2 14 hour days, But I did take out deathend, before failing miserably. Before MLG raleigh I did that like atleast 2 weeks before that event. But it still wasnt enough. In the end though, I wish my practice was alot more quality for that time that I spend.
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On January 01 2013 10:36 so_pringles wrote:
you keep saying you practice so hard, but then say 8+ hours a day. Pretty sure theres lots of ppl out there practicing nearly double that.
rofl not really no. Not even koreans play 16 hours a day. Most foreigners don't play 8 hours a day either.
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Great read, hope some team pick you up :D
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iNcontroL
USA29055 Posts
awesome read man  I remember meeting you in Orlando AND I remember hearing the legend around the tourney of your dreaded momma rush (or something like that) apparently you were crushing nerds with some vortex haha
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On January 01 2013 12:46 iNcontroL wrote:awesome read man I remember meeting you in Orlando AND I remember hearing the legend around the tourney of your dreaded momma rush (or something like that) apparently you were crushing nerds with some vortex haha
yeah it wasnt a vortex more like an independence day planet cracker that just chain reacts through everything in an AOE providing an instant kill =P (example is in that video up in my blog if anyone is interested. granted its 30 seconds of a game that was over an hour, the mothership comeback was lol.) Managed to win a game with a 360 chain reaction in that tournament lol, literally on a map the size of taldarim, had to panic and sell or move my own buildings as my base started going and even I was like wait what..... It was against philbots, think he was the same team as you as well, ToT... not entirely sure on that one though.
But yea watching your run at that tournament was awesome, As you never know who your going to meet to at those old events.
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Nice blog man. Enjoyed it
On January 01 2013 10:36 so_pringles wrote:
you keep saying you practice so hard, but then say 8+ hours a day. Pretty sure theres lots of ppl out there practicing nearly double that.
8 hrs is a solid amount to practice. It's pretty rare for people to do more than that consistently (unless you're in a strictly regimented KeSPA house or something lol).
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On January 01 2013 08:50 T.O.P. wrote:Show nested quote +On January 01 2013 08:26 KiF1rE wrote:On January 01 2013 08:17 T.O.P. wrote:
When they say be patient and you'll get there with hard work, they're right. They're anticipating that with hard work, you can increase your skill to the level of top pros. No one is hating on you and preventing you from being a pro player. It's not that they're not recognizing your skill, it's that they think your skill level is not there yet.
No pro slumps all the way down to mid master. Come on, man. So when I took out violet, had a few accounts in GM, took out stephano, beat cella, yeah that was all with hard work! Winning over 3k from SC2 was with hard work. Winning 13 lans in SC2 hard work. All i do is work hard... Hell lets ignore SC2 altogether... Placing top 3 in the country and not being able to join a semi low tier team for that game? And if you want to go back to SC2. what about the teams that consistently sign players that I recently 2-0 in a major tournament like WCG or MLG qualifiers etc... I dunno man, I really dont care about ladder, Why before I was trying new gate openings and a variety of other stuff, to much HOTS and screwing around lately. I dunno, I just hate when people bring up ladder rank like it matters.... Than if it mattered why when I was rank 1 on the entire server points wise in beta not matter? Why when I hit rank 2 gm in HOTS it doesnt matter... Because only people that wish to insult people care about ladder rank lol. Hence why some guy is telling me off with a 0-2 record on ladder. I just want to put some reality into you. Even if I'm 0-2 with my main, I beat you with my offrace. SC2 is a very volatile game. Everyone who's high masters beat a pro many times before. Frankly, your accomplishment list doesn't mean much. Early on Hots Beta, platinum players got into GM. It didn't mean anything. Winning 13 lans isn't hard. Who was your competition? Plat, Gold, Diamond, Masters players? Being good in SC2 beta doesn't matter either, back then you could have just 4 gated and won like every game. Besides, player skill have advanced so much now. Does CauthonLuck gets into a pro team because of his past accomplishments?
I bet you if a player like cauthonluck did come back, he would indeed get into a pro team because of past accomplishments/exposure faster than better unknown or less publicized players. You can bet your ass yes on that one.
It's a good and bad thing at the same time.
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cauthonluck earned the recognition though, I wouldn't have any problem with that. after all he had a build named after him. :D
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On January 02 2013 11:41 LuckyFool wrote:
cauthonluck earned the recognition though, I wouldn't have any problem with that. after all he had a build named after him. :D
I had a build named after me too... Just no one cared about it lol. Avilo knows what it was though =P even incontrol knows of it lol.....
hint "enemy mothership detected"
the master of the mothership rush! sadly been doing it since 2007 years before SC2 came out. and never got any recognition in it for doing it in SC2. Even beat cauthonluck with it.... But whatever.... Now I wish it was possible that I still had the replays back from the beta rofl...
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You said you went to school. Do you have a college degree?
Maybe it is time to hang up your hat, and esports becomes a hobby. I know you love it, but considering your circumstance a wise choice might be to search for a career in whatever your education's focus was.
Winning 3k in SC2 is nice, but a 3k paycheck should probably slightly less then your monthly income at your age. It is ok to move on. I am sure you can find something else that you enjoy doing and look back at your accomplishments.
Join the grown up world. :-)
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esports is part of the grown up world - duh.
The difference between a dream and a goal is a timeline.
If it's meant to be it will happen. One example is Harrison Ford. After a few bit parts and getting nowhere with his acting career, he decided to quit the biz and get a "real" job as a carpenter. He was working on Steven Spielberg's house while Spielberg was auditioning actors for Star Wars. The dude that was supposed to read lines didn't show up and Spielberg asked the unknown Ford if he'd please read lines for actors.
After numerous auditions Spielberg decided that the best one to play Hans Solo was the guy reading lines for "real" actors - Harrison Ford. True story. Not only inspirational, but proof that even if you give up on your dreams, your dreams never give up on you.
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On January 03 2013 00:39 Smancer wrote:
You said you went to school. Do you have a college degree?
Maybe it is time to hang up your hat, and esports becomes a hobby. I know you love it, but considering your circumstance a wise choice might be to search for a career in whatever your education's focus was.
Winning 3k in SC2 is nice, but a 3k paycheck should probably slightly less then your monthly income at your age. It is ok to move on. I am sure you can find something else that you enjoy doing and look back at your accomplishments.
Join the grown up world. :-)
Yep ive graduated unfortunately im more stuck on the job thing than esports... If you look at my pessimistic side, The odds of a company hiring me, I have a better shot at winning every single MLG next year....Well at least thats how I feel. Considering ive been denied by fast food places, so my hopes are really low in the whole job department. Esports on the other hand has actually given back to me, I wish I could give back to esports but thats on the same realm of finding a job as well. I get rejected for volunteer stuff and im not the greatest at doing things solo, such as casting and stuff along those lines.
Ideally though, I would love to have a job and still compete. It would remove all the downsides of failure and make it feel like i dont have to win every game possible, Because I dont know how much is enough in my current state, All i know is what I do win is not enough by far. Its not even enough to join a smaller low tier team so whatever in that regard. I wouldn't say my SC2 career is washed up, I just need to practice harder and improve my living environment, Playing less SC2 would probably actually help me improve. As my financial situation would be so much better, assuming my job lets me compete. But id have to worry about actually finding a company to actually hire me first. Which is one of my goals this year, but it was also my goal the year before and the year before that, etc.... =/
On January 03 2013 04:39 Arkansassy wrote:esports is part of the grown up world - duh. The difference between a dream and a goal is a timeline. If it's meant to be it will happen. One example is Harrison Ford. After a few bit parts and getting nowhere with his acting career, he decided to quit the biz and get a "real" job as a carpenter. He was working on Steven Spielberg's house while Spielberg was auditioning actors for Star Wars. The dude that was supposed to read lines didn't show up and Spielberg asked the unknown Ford if he'd please read lines for actors. After numerous auditions Spielberg decided that the best one to play Hans Solo was the guy reading lines for "real" actors - Harrison Ford. True story. Not only inspirational, but proof that even if you give up on your dreams, your dreams never give up on you.
In terms of inspirational stories Fords is probably the best. A lot better example than majority of pro athletes and stuff. However not really all that applicable as I will never give up.
All in all thats some of the stuff I want to change in both esports and life, As I want to do more casting, do more stuff, create more content, Apply for more places to work, Talk to more team managers, build more contacts, get out of the house more.
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On January 03 2013 10:01 KiF1rE wrote:
Yep ive graduated unfortunately im more stuck on the job thing than esports... If you look at my pessimistic side, The odds of a company hiring me, I have a better shot at winning every single MLG next year....Well at least thats how I feel. Considering ive been denied by fast food places, so my hopes are really low in the whole job department. Esports on the other hand has actually given back to me, I wish I could give back to esports but thats on the same realm of finding a job as well. I get rejected for volunteer stuff and im not the greatest at doing things solo, such as casting and stuff along those lines.
Ideally though, I would love to have a job and still compete. It would remove all the downsides of failure and make it feel like i dont have to win every game possible, Because I dont know how much is enough in my current state, All i know is what I do win is not enough by far. Its not even enough to join a smaller low tier team so whatever in that regard. I wouldn't say my SC2 career is washed up, I just need to practice harder and improve my living environment, Playing less SC2 would probably actually help me improve. As my financial situation would be so much better, assuming my job lets me compete. But id have to worry about actually finding a company to actually hire me first. Which is one of my goals this year, but it was also my goal the year before and the year before that, etc.... =/
How hard have you tried?
7 years ago when I was 23, I was looking for summer work. I was well educated and had an exceptional resume for my age. I thought an easy job would be to work at a radio shack for the summer.
I got walked out the back door.
That hurt.
But you know what? Looking for a company and a job is not a personal thing. There should be no feelings involved. It is very much like fishing. You put yourself out there to as many possible companies as you can, and see what happens.
Spend 1 day researching current Resume tactics, structure, dos and don'ts. Then spend one day applying to jobs. Anything and everything. Shoot for over 100. Seriously Spend a day and aply to every single possible company you can think of.
My first move into industry was applying to a job that required 5 years experience. When they asked me why I thought I was qualified I told them that my experience and grades in my mathematic course and discussions with professors vastly improved my analytical thinking when compared to my peers.
That answer was total bullshit. But thats what you need to treat interviews as. It is a game, like starcraft.You are trying to win, by landing the best job possible. And you can't do it without practice. Practice writing a good resume, practice interviewing, practice marketing yourself, practice trying to apply what you know to what the job description is.
It is all a game.
I think moving on is the right thing for you. But you have to try a little harder than a couple rejections before giving up and coming to the conclusion that no company will hire you. I've worked for places that hire the biggest fucking morons you have ever met. So there is hope for you :-P
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On January 04 2013 00:17 Smancer wrote:Show nested quote +On January 03 2013 10:01 KiF1rE wrote:
Yep ive graduated unfortunately im more stuck on the job thing than esports... If you look at my pessimistic side, The odds of a company hiring me, I have a better shot at winning every single MLG next year....Well at least thats how I feel. Considering ive been denied by fast food places, so my hopes are really low in the whole job department. Esports on the other hand has actually given back to me, I wish I could give back to esports but thats on the same realm of finding a job as well. I get rejected for volunteer stuff and im not the greatest at doing things solo, such as casting and stuff along those lines.
Ideally though, I would love to have a job and still compete. It would remove all the downsides of failure and make it feel like i dont have to win every game possible, Because I dont know how much is enough in my current state, All i know is what I do win is not enough by far. Its not even enough to join a smaller low tier team so whatever in that regard. I wouldn't say my SC2 career is washed up, I just need to practice harder and improve my living environment, Playing less SC2 would probably actually help me improve. As my financial situation would be so much better, assuming my job lets me compete. But id have to worry about actually finding a company to actually hire me first. Which is one of my goals this year, but it was also my goal the year before and the year before that, etc.... =/
How hard have you tried? 7 years ago when I was 23, I was looking for summer work. I was well educated and had an exceptional resume for my age. I thought an easy job would be to work at a radio shack for the summer. I got walked out the back door. That hurt. But you know what? Looking for a company and a job is not a personal thing. There should be no feelings involved. It is very much like fishing. You put yourself out there to as many possible companies as you can, and see what happens. Spend 1 day researching current Resume tactics, structure, dos and don'ts. Then spend one day applying to jobs. Anything and everything. Shoot for over 100. Seriously Spend a day and aply to every single possible company you can think of. My first move into industry was applying to a job that required 5 years experience. When they asked me why I thought I was qualified I told them that my experience and grades in my mathematic course and discussions with professors vastly improved my analytical thinking when compared to my peers. That answer was total bullshit. But thats what you need to treat interviews as. It is a game, like starcraft.You are trying to win, by landing the best job possible. And you can't do it without practice. Practice writing a good resume, practice interviewing, practice marketing yourself, practice trying to apply what you know to what the job description is. It is all a game. I think moving on is the right thing for you. But you have to try a little harder than a couple rejections before giving up and coming to the conclusion that no company will hire you. I've worked for places that hire the biggest fucking morons you have ever met. So there is hope for you :-P
the sad reality, is that just because I only mention a few that I did take personally because of pride or what not, That doesnt mean I havent done that. Ive done the whole apply for 50 some jobs in a day thing, Granted it wasnt a hundred but its not like I havent tried at all. Its alot more than just a couple of rejections. Ive looked at good resumes and stuff sadly, I still struggle with that aspect as most places assume you have done something when looking at resume examples. Ive tried working self employed in their without explicitly listing gaming etc to look better on paper. But in the end it still looks like an awkward sheet of paper that follows the proper format, But there isn't any substance to it. Practice interviewing is impossible in a sense, I dont have anyone to practice with, Just like starcraft. When im trying to win and find out where I stand, Its against that Code S korean in a live and heated situation. Not a nice environment without everything on the line at the same time.
Some of the issue is that my social skills are downright terrible... I suggest going and reading that link in the blog about introversion and stuff, this conversation spilled over there into the later parts of that thread. Ill repost it here http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/viewmessage.php?topic_id=389329 While this may seem like an excuse it really isnt, its more of semi disability that coupled with several other life circumstances its a very big hurdle to overcome when people just naturally dont like you.
I can practice all I want for a job, but it doesnt change the fact that it doesnt seem to change much. Especially in cases where 90% of the time the interviewer knows absolutely nothing about the job, they are just essentially a hired goon that smiles and looks nice that does professional hiring. Have I mentioned that Ive been looking for a job almost 6 years now?
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Listen, I am just trying to give you a little motivation. I read through the introvert post. I identify myself as one. I spend most of my time at home, I am a mathematician, I don't party, I have few very close friends...
Your problem right now is what to do with your life. You have to figure out a way to get done what needs to get done, whether it be your gaming career, or something else.
However according to your OP gaming is not paying off and doesn't appear to be a realistic path. And according to your response to me, finding something else doesn't appear to be realistic path.
(Introverts) think a lot. They daydream. They like to have problems to work on, puzzles to solve
You have a problem to work on. And I don't think anyone here can solve it. You need to spend some time reflecting on your options, and decide on a course of action.
But the crucial thing is that you try and actually execute. Do what you need to do. Get er done. Take care of business. etc.
I can only now offer you my encouragement to try something new, and work on your disability as you call it. Although I don't think you can call introversion a disability. Autism, Aspergers... yes, those can be debilitating.
You can be successful. Others like you have.
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On January 04 2013 03:41 Smancer wrote:Listen, I am just trying to give you a little motivation. I read through the introvert post. I identify myself as one. I spend most of my time at home, I am a mathematician, I don't party, I have few very close friends... Your problem right now is what to do with your life. You have to figure out a way to get done what needs to get done, whether it be your gaming career, or something else. However according to your OP gaming is not paying off and doesn't appear to be a realistic path. And according to your response to me, finding something else doesn't appear to be realistic path. Show nested quote + (Introverts) think a lot. They daydream. They like to have problems to work on, puzzles to solve You have a problem to work on. And I don't think anyone here can solve it. You need to spend some time reflecting on your options, and decide on a course of action. But the crucial thing is that you try and actually execute. Do what you need to do. Get er done. Take care of business. etc. I can only now offer you my encouragement to try something new, and work on your disability as you call it. Although I don't think you can call introversion a disability. Autism, Aspergers... yes, those can be debilitating. You can be successful. Others like you have.
Motivation is something I don't need, Motivation is what I have an endless supply of. Motivation, determination and dedication are my strongest strengths as a person. However when it comes to the current state of esports, those are meaningless. And in the job market place while those are very desirable to employers in the vast sea of would be employees its impossible to stand out. They cant see how hard you work in an interview, they cant see how determined or motivated you are in an interview. Those are hard to pick up and demonstrate, because they aren't tangible, they are shown over time. And time is limited in those situations. Back to esports, They are meaningless because in the current state of esports every team only cares about your "worth", even the smaller teams with practically nothing to offer and in the vast scheme of things I'm a worthless pos... That's the way it is, Motivation, determination, dedication, those three things do not sell products, They do not bring in stream viewers, and with the lack of tournaments that people care about a player has to win a major tournament to skip over those things. It doesn't matter how much small stuff you win, or crush their entire roster under career winnings combined, A player that draws in 500+ viewers is worth more than a player that crushes the hell out of said player. That's the part where esports has changed. While the business world has essentially always been this way. Which is why im viewed as worthless in both regards. That's the part I need help changing, its not the fact that I don't try or give up easily, If I gave up I wouldn't be sitting here right now.
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Sounds like you have a problem promoting yourself. I'll be honest with you man, I've being on this site, playing and watching Starcraft since 2003 (Check my profile.), granted I'm just a noob and I don't really involve myself in the community but this blog is probably the first time I ever heard of you...
I'm not saying that I know everything about the community, I don't even keep track of proleague these days but I think i'm a good benchmark of your typical casual viewer, I've seen plenty of new players coming into the scene, some of them do vblogs, stream constantly, others post consistent blogs of their results and thoughts on life etc..
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On January 04 2013 08:02 haduken wrote:
Sounds like you have a problem promoting yourself. I'll be honest with you man, I've being on this site, playing and watching Starcraft since 2003 (Check my profile.), granted I'm just a noob and I don't really involve myself in the community but this blog is probably the first time I ever heard of you...
I'm not saying that I know everything about the community, I don't even keep track of proleague these days but I think i'm a good benchmark of your typical casual viewer, I've seen plenty of new players coming into the scene, some of them do vblogs, stream constantly, others post consistent blogs of their results and thoughts on life etc..
pretty much, I said this over and over about content creation, and how im going to do more. This is just the first step. I decided to myself I would write anything and get it out there, this was the first major thing ive written on esports in the past several years and have much more planned on different topics, I do love walls of text though =P My youtube and stream are also getting revamped and im going to try to increase the activity of those by alot.
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Good read. I remember seeing you at WCG. I have to say, I haven't met a gamer who hasn't had the feeling of "wtf am I doing with my life" at one point or another. Just make sure your happy, whether it's gaming or not. Happiness is truly the key to life. Everything else is secondary.
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EPT
