It's been quite a while since I've done a genuine one, so here it is. I wasn't planning to do this, so this will be one of those thing you write (I think most of you know will know what I'm talking about) when you need to marshal your thoughts somewhere, so you sit before your computer and start typing and typing and not stopping until you're worn down mentally but yet you feel good on the inside because you just know that when you read through what you've written you will be told what you know, but not in such a boring sense, no. When you read it you realise that it has all the thoughts that have been bothering you, flitting through your mind the whole day, or the whole week even, and it's all organised and nicely presented to you.
Anyway, I've also noticed that there's been a depressing lack of an honest pathetic girl blog around these parts for quite a bit. So here I am, satisfying the crowd.
As always, this girl blog is dedicated to OpticalShot
Well, I've rambled on long enough, so let's get down to the sappy part with the sad teenage emotions all of you love.
Some of you may have read my earlier girl blogs, and the few of you who have has probably already forgotten the contents, but that's okay. I want to talk about all the things I've written about with retrospection. I think my love life started when I was 12, whatever love means and doesn't mean at that age (even at my age now), I can describe her as the stereotypical crush - smart, pretty, and funny. I think it's safe to say that we've all used these adjectives to describe our crush before.
I met her on the first day of school, it wasn't an immediate thing, falling in love with her. We talked a little bit about our tyrant teacher. I was sitting at the desk in front of her. We were actually classmates the year before so striking up a conversation was alright. Her name is Valerie. We joked around for a bit, and during our silly jokes I realized that I liked her. Jesus! What was a boy to do the first time he's fallen in love?
I started talking to her more and more as the year went by, and we would often would up and down the staircases when we needed to go to some part of the school. I wanted to tell her, but I didn't know how to did it exactly. I don't mean that I didn't know how to say, "I like you.", but I didn't know how to say it correctly. Do I tell her after recess or after Math class? During English class? I delayed this confession until November of that year.
I did it by phone.
It was pretty awkward for me I guess. I think I've mentioned in some of my blogs earlier that I was one of those kids that would lie and lie. I spent the entire night conversing with her about things I can't remember, and I think it was about 3 days before her birthday.
"You know how they say you should go with the person who likes you and not the person you like?"
"Yeah I know : )"
"I like you."
"Oh, ok."
So that's how I remembered it went. She was fine with it and didn't care much about it. The stupid thing I did was pretend like I didn't care at all by telling her that I already had a girlfriend the next day. I don't even know why it seemed like a good idea at the time to do that.
Then came her birthday. Apparently she got drunk because her parents bought her alcohol, and she drank enough for her to get drunk - I'm guessing 5 sips. What she did while 'drunk' was call me and started telling me how her party was and how she celebrated her birthday. We were on the phone for at least half an hour, if my memory serves me well. At the time I didn't think that her drinking (or pretending to drink) was weird, but it was the fact that she called me that struck me as weird.
As such, I don't think that it'll be a surprise if I tell you guys that I held on to this little nugget for another year. I kept thinking that Valerie did actually like me but she just needed more time to tell me, to gauge how good of a boyfriend I would be.
I remember there was one time late November when we were texting each other, she was celebrating something that I can't remember. But I do know that I congratulated her like this:
"Congratulations :D"
and she replied, "Woo me!"
If you're looking at this through the lens of a desperate deluded 12 year-old, you'd think that I took this as her wanting me to woo her. You're right if you did.
I tried to woo her.
I sent her something like this, "Are we playing Assault? Cause I’m pretty sure you are the bomb.", a Halo pick up line. She knew I was into Halo and I knew that she was too. Looking back at this I actually think that it's hilarious and I don't feel embarrassed at all.
Now let's move on to the next year, 2010. I went to a new school and had a clean slate and all that fancy jazz. I don't even know why I messed it up. I told my classmates that Valerie was my girlfriend and one of Valerie's friends found out about it and told her. I think it was then she stopped talking to me completely. This friend of hers, Austin, is now her boyfriend. Austin is a prick. He invites Valerie to his parties and tells her that I back-stab my friends and am a bad person in general. I don't even know. I don't even know how I got myself involved in this mess. I guess it's just what happens when your only source of information is a biased one.
I think I am grateful that Valerie stopped talking to me. I was devastated for awhile, and one day in July I found myself on the bus to school and there was this girl who got on the bus. She gait was confident and graceful, her hair was tight into this hipster-bun or onion or whatever it's called, and she had this sleepy smile on her face.
I was sitting down, she was standing ahead of me grabbing on to the railings. I couldn't tell if she was looking at me or not but it certainly did seem like she was. I feel like I need to explain why I couldn't tell if she was looking at me. Asians. I'm trying my best to figure out another explanation, but her eyes were literally Brock-from-Pokémon slits. It was ridiculous. There she was, smiling in my direction but I couldn't tell if she was looking at me or not. But it didn't matter, I was smitten.
I immediately begun thinking to myself about how I would go about getting this girl the entire day at school. What could I do? What could I say?
Of course I could've went up to her and just said, "Hi.", but that would've been too easy.
Looking back at things now, meeting Anne was when all my insecurities surfaced. I could tell from her uniform that she went to a rather elite school in Singapore. One of the best, actually. I felt so bad and inadequate at the time because of all the whole "grades is everything" thing that everybody has drummed into them in Singapore.
I started to think about how I could refine myself because I thought that I was not good enough of a person for someone like her. It was a process filled with self-hate and extreme displays of pretentiousness. I started to force myself to listen to classical music, which for some reason I associated with her and class. I isolated myself from some of the friends that I had for I thought that they were an uncouth and barbaric band of creatures. All I cared about was making myself presentable to the person I imagined this girl to be.
One day I saw her on the bus and she was reading a Vogue magazine and I was just sitting there thinking about how uncultured and uncivilised I was. It's ridiculous now, looking back. I did what I could, trying to learn about fashion and Vogue. I read about Anna Wintour and realized how ridiculous people can look in clothes. As the days passed, I tried to summon enough courage to approach her on the bus, and I could never do it. I always gazed in her direction and she always seemed to do the same. I thought that she was like me: too afraid to approach another person on the public bus.
There was this day where the bus was particularly packed, and there was this little boy who got on the bus. I gave my seat to him, and when I got out of my seat I realized that she was standing beside me. Oh god! She was at my right, so I used my right hand to grab the handles on the bus. She used her left hand. Our arms were touching! I thought that that moment was it. I thought that our arms touching and she not moving away when they were (there was space) was a confirmation and an affirmation of her affection for me.
I don't even know what I was thinking.
Moving on to November of 2011, which is one whole year of not approaching the girl on the bus, Valerie's birthday. I started off with a comment I made on Facebook, wishing her happy birthday. I'm not sure why I wished her a good one and why she replied. Things progressed and we ended on chatting on Facebook until 3 in the morning. We had sporadic chats for a few weeks after that, but it stopped quite suddenly. I learned shortly after that it was doing the doing of Austin who lied to her more about me.
So if we're to move along to December of 2011, it's where things start to get interesting with the girl on the bus. A friend of mine invited me to his church to celebrate Christmas. I've never seen how Christmas was celebrated at churches, and I was curious, so I went. After the service, I saw her as I was leaving the chapel. We locked eyes for a moment, but I hurried away nervously. I went back the next week and asked my friend what her name was. Anne. (I'm not going to release her surname.)
I feel ashamed of myself that I had immediately went onto Facebook and looked her up. I also found her Tumblr. Oh god, how I've managed to convince myself to like her after stalking her online. She was apparently some sort of fundamentalist Christian and a hipster. It's so shameful how I convinced myself that I could change her beliefs if we got together.
Now if we're to move on to 2012, things get even better. I found out the she acquired a boyfriend this year, so there's that. Nothing much has transpired between us, as expected. I can't say that I've completely given up on her though. It's so embarrassing to admit it. I think I still love Anne for what I can make her be.
One thing I learned though, is that I've only been obsessed with the idea of being in love with her and was not really in love with her.
I want to forget about Anne, but it's so hard to without closure. I'm afraid of what I'll feel when school starts again next year and I see her on the bus again.
Edit: I think most the people calling me weird don't realize that most of this happened when I was 12~13 years-old and that I've already acknowledge that everything I did was pretty stupid.
The word "love" has been tossed around too lightly. You can't use that word until you have been married for many many years. Sudden development of liking somebody, especially if you are so infatuated with someone, that isn't love. That is lust. I believe love is a life time accumulation of happiness between a couple. A lot of people make that mistake because as soon as they see someone they like, it is "love"...
I think you need to hear this: You are a weird and somewhat creepy guy.
Becoming infatuated with the idea of being with a woman and fabricating this idea with the notion that you love them, without even so much as talking to them, is extremely odd.
I think it's ok to be shy, but maybe you want to break out of your conform zone a little bit. Also if you ever meet and talk to Anne, it would probably be a terrible idea to show her this blog. Good luck to you.
TL: DR - if you under 16, then this response probably doesn't apply to you.
You can't really tell someone that you can't love people if you haven't been married for a long time. Love is not a thing you can meassure and therefor it's pointless to argue about when you love someone. It's all inside you, in your heart - or just some chemical reactions affecting parts of your brain.
I don't think I've ever heard of a fundamentalist christian hipster before, lol, the images of a person it conjures up are actually sort of hilarious.
OK so here's a perfect opportunity to practice, since you know she's not someone you actually need to impress and you probably don't actually want to form a relationship with her, put your whole weird fantasizing out of your mind and just start talking to her knowing that, because it doesn't matter. There's no stakes. Why should anyone care if they don't click with a fundamentalist christian hipster or there's something she doesn't like a bout you? (When you realize that's true for every individual new girl you meet, that's when you've got the whole idea though.)
Also memo to teenagers: the whole buildup -> continue intense buildup of feelings without doing anything -> confession of feelings plot is awkward and terrible, that should not be your normal mode of operating with girls you like. You have to engage in showing more than friends intentions earlier when there's less pressure, then it's not as stressful to talk to them and you can be more natural, confident, funny, etc..
On December 01 2012 01:49 kidd wrote: I think you need to hear this: You are a weird and somewhat creepy guy.
Becoming infatuated with the idea of being with a woman and fabricating this idea with the notion that you love them, without even so much as talking to them, is extremely odd.
I think it's ok to be shy, but maybe you want to break out of your conform zone a little bit. Also if you ever meet and talk to Anne, it would probably be a terrible idea to show her this blog. Good luck to you.
TL: DR - if you under 16, then this response probably doesn't apply to you.
12 and forward one year to 2010, i think he's what, 15? coming on 16 now.
His blogs have always been fucking weird though tbh, ive even accused him of being an outright bullshitter before.
Falling in "love" with a girl on the bus, now thats something
No. You can't "make" someone be anything. Stop thinking that right now; that is just unhealthy.
I've read your blogs before and I feel bad for you, but I think you just need to breathe. Step back and breathe...find a way to get away from all the drama in your life; in your head...-hugs you-
I think you are thinking far too deeply about how to act. Just do.
With self awareness and writing you are absolutely skilled but with girls you struggle! I bet you'd trade it for vice-versa though eh?
I really relate to and enjoy what you've written. I think your problem is similar to mine. Do you wear a social shell? do You observe social behaviour keenly and develop insight but struggle to actually implement it? If yes, i think it is a result of wearing a mask that covers too much of how you actually want to be!
I know it feels good to think one girl can redeem everything and be the one like in a disney movie. I'm afraid that might be fake though...
"i know its easy to imagine but its easier to just do see, if you can't do what you imagine then, what is imagination to you? just a waste of space in your brain to take the place of hate or things all the same."-kid cudi
On December 01 2012 01:49 kidd wrote: I think you need to hear this: You are a weird and somewhat creepy guy.
Becoming infatuated with the idea of being with a woman and fabricating this idea with the notion that you love them, without even so much as talking to them, is extremely odd.
I think it's ok to be shy, but maybe you want to break out of your conform zone a little bit. Also if you ever meet and talk to Anne, it would probably be a terrible idea to show her this blog. Good luck to you.
TL: DR - if you under 16, then this response probably doesn't apply to you.
yeah this is really weird even if you are 16 or so. dont be that guy
Several passages here are downright disturbing, haha, you're a weird guy az! You really overthink these things, you take extremely minor things for more than they really are, and that part about trying to change yourself so you could be with the person you imagined she was, that was fucked up! This whole blog is written like women are these strange aliens that will kill you if you look at them the wrong way.
On December 01 2012 03:40 marttorn wrote: Several passages here are downright disturbing, haha, you're a weird guy az! You really overthink these things, you take extremely minor things for more than they really are, and that part about trying to change yourself so you could be with the person you imagined she was, that was fucked up! This whole blog is written like women are these strange aliens that will kill you if you look at them the wrong way.
5/5
"the whole thing is written like women are these strange aliens." Yeah this is the reality for many men with a romantic personality in this culture i am guessing. Why else am i able to relate so much?
Marrthorn what was disturbing? why didn't you say why it is so disturbing if its so disturbing? whats with this whole "its so disturbing you ought to know what you did!" why don't we just fucking tell someone when they "disturb" us?
On December 01 2012 03:40 marttorn wrote: Several passages here are downright disturbing, haha, you're a weird guy az! You really overthink these things, you take extremely minor things for more than they really are, and that part about trying to change yourself so you could be with the person you imagined she was, that was fucked up! This whole blog is written like women are these strange aliens that will kill you if you look at them the wrong way.
5/5
"the whole thing is written like women are these strange aliens." Yeah this is the reality for many men with a romantic personality in this culture i am guessing. Why else am i able to relate so much?
Azera, why wouldn't he say why you are "disturbing" if its so disturbing? whats with this whole "its so disturbing you ought to know what you did!" why don't we just fucking tell someone when they "disturb" us?
It's time you seize hold of something real in your life and stop theorizing, maybe start by doing something about your weight.
Harsh reply, i know, but you keep focusing on external factors. Even if your father is the reason you lack basic self confidence, don't let him be the reason things stay that way. Your 'shortcomings' are nothing more than symptoms of a disease we're all carry, something called humanity. It's up to you to define yourself, if you're happy being the guy this blog describes - you can be him. You can even be a married version of him a couple of years down the road, you'd be surprised how easily the paths of wayward lives converge.
Or you could change things, one small step at a time. It is again, up to you.
This blog could be as good a first step as any. Have a look at this interview where Hot_Bid confronts NaNiWa with the ghosts of christmas past, starting at 2:28.
In a way it's all out there now. Lying about someone you care about being your girlfriend, stalking someones online ghost and building her a pedestal tall enough to reach heaven. Now, feel good having talked about it, or feel good doing something about it. Your choice.
On December 01 2012 03:40 marttorn wrote: Several passages here are downright disturbing, haha, you're a weird guy az! You really overthink these things, you take extremely minor things for more than they really are, and that part about trying to change yourself so you could be with the person you imagined she was, that was fucked up! This whole blog is written like women are these strange aliens that will kill you if you look at them the wrong way.
5/5
"the whole thing is written like women are these strange aliens." Yeah this is the reality for many men with a romantic personality in this culture i am guessing. Why else am i able to relate so much?
Marrthorn what was disturbing? why didn't you say why it is so disturbing if its so disturbing? whats with this whole "its so disturbing you ought to know what you did!" why don't we just fucking tell someone when they "disturb" us?
- Trying to change who you are so you can be similar to who you assume someone else is - The vast overthinking that went on - "woo me!" = "i want you to try to woo me" - The weird lying that doesn't even benefit him in any real respect
I said that several passages are downright disturbing, I don't think that phrasing necessarily calls for me to give examples, but there you go. Those are a few of the disturbing things, maybe there's more that I can't recall.
edit: and it's spelled marttorn, damnit, no h or double r.
On December 01 2012 03:40 marttorn wrote: Several passages here are downright disturbing, haha, you're a weird guy az! You really overthink these things, you take extremely minor things for more than they really are, and that part about trying to change yourself so you could be with the person you imagined she was, that was fucked up! This whole blog is written like women are these strange aliens that will kill you if you look at them the wrong way.
5/5
"the whole thing is written like women are these strange aliens." Yeah this is the reality for many men with a romantic personality in this culture i am guessing. Why else am i able to relate so much?
Marrthorn what was disturbing? why didn't you say why it is so disturbing if its so disturbing? whats with this whole "its so disturbing you ought to know what you did!" why don't we just fucking tell someone when they "disturb" us?
- Trying to change who you are so you can be similar to who you assume someone else is - The vast overthinking that went on - "woo me!" = "i want you to try to woo me" - The weird lying that doesn't even benefit him in any real respect
I said that several passages are downright disturbing, I don't think that phrasing necessarily calls for me to give examples, but there you go. Those are a few of the disturbing things, maybe there's more that I can't recall.
edit: and it's spelled marttorn, damnit, no h or double r.
haha sorry, marttorn, i'm lazy and abnormal. nice to meet you. I know you are not obligated to clarify anything. I just think the purpose of forums is to share and clarify eachother's ideas.
Why is trying to change to be someone the person you love would like? Why does changing always imply artificial behaviour? Are you supposed to just sit there and hope someone likes you? No, I don't think so. Albeit, it is kind of, avoiding the whole situation. He never even tried to do anything other than to change himself. IF he had tried to talk to her and he could see himself with her then why not try to make that happen by improving? That's better than doing nothing.
I don't find those things weird. Yeah I will admit over thinking is certainly an enemy but, i did not find "disturbing" constructive to someone's well-being. I thought it was a very honest girl blog. I'm a huge girl blog fan though so i might be biased.
On December 01 2012 03:40 marttorn wrote: Several passages here are downright disturbing, haha, you're a weird guy az! You really overthink these things, you take extremely minor things for more than they really are, and that part about trying to change yourself so you could be with the person you imagined she was, that was fucked up! This whole blog is written like women are these strange aliens that will kill you if you look at them the wrong way.
5/5
"the whole thing is written like women are these strange aliens." Yeah this is the reality for many men with a romantic personality in this culture i am guessing. Why else am i able to relate so much?
Marrthorn what was disturbing? why didn't you say why it is so disturbing if its so disturbing? whats with this whole "its so disturbing you ought to know what you did!" why don't we just fucking tell someone when they "disturb" us?
- Trying to change who you are so you can be similar to who you assume someone else is - The vast overthinking that went on - "woo me!" = "i want you to try to woo me" - The weird lying that doesn't even benefit him in any real respect
I said that several passages are downright disturbing, I don't think that phrasing necessarily calls for me to give examples, but there you go. Those are a few of the disturbing things, maybe there's more that I can't recall.
edit: and it's spelled marttorn, damnit, no h or double r.
haha sorry, marttorn, i'm lazy and abnormal. nice to meet you. I know you are not obligated to clarify anything. I just think the purpose of forums is to share and clarify eachother's ideas.
Why is trying to change to be someone the person you love would like? Why does changing always imply artificial behaviour? Are you supposed to just sit there and hope someone likes you? No, I don't think so. Albeit, it is kind of, avoiding the whole situation. He never even tried to do anything other than to change himself. IF he had tried to talk to her and he could see himself with her then why not try to make that happen by improving? That's better than doing nothing.
I don't find those things weird. Yeah I will admit over thinking is certainly an enemy but, i did not find "disturbing" constructive to someone's well-being. I thought it was a very honest girl blog. I'm a huge girl blog fan though so i might be biased.
no, it's the fact that he has no idea what she's really like and just assumed what her personality was at a glance, and then tried to change himself according to that, as opposed to getting to know her and then trying to change in a positive way based off of who she really is.
Are you supposed to just sit there and hope someone likes you?
This implies that no one like you as you are, and that to actually appeal to anyone you have to change who you are. Also, I probably wouldn't have been as quick to call it "disturbing" if it were anyone other than Azera; we talk a bit off-TL, so there's no pretense or wall of courtesy between us, I don't think. I say pretty much what I feel like saying to him, and I hope/think he does the same.
EPT
yeah its exaggerated but not by much
