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I woke up today. Not in the metaphorical, "I realized the truth about life" way, but in the actual sense that I got out of bed and put one foot in front of the other. It's not a big victory, but I take what I can get.
I should be moving into my own apartment sometime this month. I don't really know how I feel about it. Of course, it'll be nice cutting an hour off my commute time in the morning, allowing me to get back into my running schedule and maybe get more than 5 hours of sleep a night, though that's doubtful. On the other...
Let me just talk about solitude for a bit. Being alone is generally looked down upon in our society. You're encouraged to never be by yourself, because it's always "better" to be around others, even if you don't know them in the slightest. Clubs give people an easy way to surround themselves with strangers whenever they feel inclined, we invent social media so that we can communicate with others even when we can't see them.
But I feel differently. I don't mind being alone. Alone with my thoughts, enjoying the silence of a room that's empty, but still and warm. People just complicate matters. Make you act like something you're not. Make you question yourself, your decisions, your life choices. Force you to wear a mask, just to feel accepted. I don't like that. I don't want to change myself because someone, somewhere might have a lower opinion of me. I'd rather spend my days alone, separate, but as myself.
Maybe that's why I'm alone in the first place. Does my not caring about others make them not care about me? Or did the fact that I was disliked and shunned for the better part of two decades make me start feeling this way about others? I can't remember the last time I genuinely gave a shit what another person thought about me. And in return, I've grown to not care how my actions make others feel. Academically (for lack of a better term), I know this is pretty morally bad. I should try to act in a way that makes others happy, or at least doesn't harm them emotionally or physically. But I don't.
And that should worry me.
But it doesn't.
 
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I definitely feel more like myself when I'm alone, and it makes sense since there are less things contributing to how you think. The problem is that if I were being myself 100% of the time, I'd be saying or doing some pretty damn socially unacceptable things.
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Aloneness can be really nice. I haven't seriously considered that option for my adult life (i.e., choose not to have a family of my own and simply die alone without having a super-long-term relationship such as is seen in marriage) but I am beginning to feel like I am becoming more and more disconnected with the average person's social behavior. Not that I can't engage in fun, normal social behavior, but I tend to prefer more meaningful discussions over light banter.
I have some uncommon beliefs (and also some very uncommon ones, I daresay) that it can be difficult sometimes to remember not to share them when I am around others.
And while I enjoy being alone most of the time, some social interaction is definitely necessary for me. I'm not an island, though I tried to be once and I could probably be one again for some time. But after time passes I desire spice, adventure, travel, and the joy of spreading positive vibes to others. I wonder what my children might look like, how they might feel about this or that issue, and what they would think about.
In the end I will probably follow the standard path of life: marriage, children, perhaps a dream or two along the way. But I will definitely have to put up the Gone Fishin' sign frequently if that is the case. Or perhaps I will enjoy married life. Who knows?
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Only people who have souls can think for themselves.
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On November 11 2012 23:40 ChinaGreenTea wrote:
Only people who have souls can think for themselves.
Could you explain me this a bit?
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haha waking up is a victory? i guess that means peeing is a victory, which it is, so i agree.
I don't see how deep breath is connected to what you wrote but i started breathing more deeply and it feels good so whatever. I think i'm going to shower and go for a walk. Man i think i might be allergic to something in green tea.. something in it makes me feel like i want to puke, really badly.
I think for me, having someone to talk to you, like I am talking to you right now gives me a chance to finally release some of the thoughts that circle my mind that i just can't beat. Maybe noone can beat a thought but at least others can offer another perspective.. and damn thats valuable cuz things get difficult sometimes.
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On November 11 2012 13:18 Requizen wrote:
But I feel differently. I don't mind being alone. Alone with my thoughts, enjoying the silence of a room that's empty, but still and warm. People just complicate matters. Make you act like something you're not. Make you question yourself, your decisions, your life choices. Force you to wear a mask, just to feel accepted. I don't like that. I don't want to change myself because someone, somewhere might have a lower opinion of me. I'd rather spend my days alone, separate, but as myself.
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You make the choice to act differently around other people. Only people without a sense of self are defined by the opinions or presence of other people. Social acceptability should not be a reason why you choose to be around other people.
You are always yourself, but you don't always know yourself. Once you become more confident and self aware, you are able to be the same person (with the same opinions/beliefs/behaviors) around every single person.
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I didn't finish reading your blog, because the 3rd or 4th paragraph in I had a thought train start that just made me realize something really big.
Maybe you getting out of bed was small to you, but it led to giving a stranger an answer. Thank you 
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I fucking love being alone.
Having to wear the social mask is something I despise to no end for a variety of reasons, both common and uncommon.
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Solitude is awesome.
I avoid "going out" as much as possible - as 9 out of 10 times the experience ends up being terrible.
Modern society has done a heck of a job of cheapening basic human social interactions - whether it be the plethora of online dating sites, people checking their phones versus actually conversing, .. - we've become immediate gratification / information junkies.
Social addiction is a very real thing - it seems that you have gotten by just fine being alone for many years and you enjoy it that way.
Personally - if I decide that I don't want kids - then I can see myself just living alone for the rest of my life, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
All that being said, though a minority - there are still * truly good * people in this world. If you're lucky enough to find any, stick with them = ).
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On November 12 2012 03:23 hoby2000 wrote:I didn't finish reading your blog, because the 3rd or 4th paragraph in I had a thought train start that just made me realize something really big. Maybe you getting out of bed was small to you, but it led to giving a stranger an answer. Thank you
Oh care to share? I'm interested in what you have to say about that big thought! Of course if it's too personal, then never mind ><
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EPT
